Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Video Game Review (2008)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [yelling]  THIS IS THE WORST GAME I HAVE EVER PLAYED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! It sucks ass, it sucks balls, it just... SUCKS!

• Nostalgia Critic : [nasally]  Hello, I'm the Angry Video Game Critic! I have a small penis and like to eat elephant shit for breakfast! Ha ha ha!

  [normal voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : All right, I'm not going to do that voice throughout the entire video. What I am going to do, though, is review a god-awful video game based off of a god-awful feature film. I'm of course talking about the horrors of "Bebe's Kids".

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, if you think this is going to get rid of me, Angry Video Game Nerd, you are much mistaken. Sure I will need years of psychological therapy to recover from this, but that doesn't mean you've heard the last of me. All I can say to you, Angry Video Game Nerd, is fuck this game and fuck you for making me play it!

  Guitar Guy : [singing]  He's the Angry Video Game...

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh shut up!

  Guitar Guy : Critic.

• Nostalgia Critic : This game is a bucket of BALLS!

• Nostalgia Critic : A time limit? There's a time limit? I could eat my way through a WALL faster than I can beat these assholes, and there's a TIME LIMIT?

• Nostalgia Critic : [about a sign that reads "NO VIbES NO bEVIS, NO bEVIS NO VIbES'"]  Not only does this not make any sense, but you notice that all the letters are capitalized except the letter "b"? Why the fuck is that? Wait a minute, I just realized something. "Bevis" has the same number of letters as "vibes". In fact, it has all the same letters! "Vibes" is actually an anagram for "bevis". So much so that they don't even capitalize the 'b' when they rewrite it. And the pattern is always one "vibes", two "bevises", never one "bevis" and two "vibes". So if "vibes" is an anagram for "bevis", "bevis" is an anagram for "vibes", and they always come in the order one-two, one-two, that means... absolutely NOTHING!

• Nostalgia Critic : Throw it, you bitch!

• Nostalgia Critic : I've just wasted five minutes on this game and I haven't even pushed a button yet!

• Nostalgia Critic : Please, Spider-Man, get me out of this hell hole.

• Nostalgia Critic : WHAT? They start me all the way back at the beginning of the fucking game? SON OF A BITCH!

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, this is kinda cool. You get to hit people in the crotch. Maybe this game won't be so bad after all. Take that, you mousy nads. Oh my god, I will never be tired of this.

  [a few minutes later] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh my god, I am so tired of this!

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh sweet buttery Jesus.

• Nostalgia Critic : So let me get this straight... I'm reviewing a game based on a movie based on a stand-up based on some woman's annoying kids? Well, if that's not the setup for the best damn video game in the world, I don't know what is. Let's review this fucker.

• Nostalgia Critic : [dusts off his Super Nintendo]  Yeah, as you can tell, it's been a while since I've used this.

• Nostalgia Critic : [hitting the game cartridge with a hammer]  *DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!*

• Nostalgia Critic : For those of you who are fortunate enough to pass this movie up, I'll give you the premise. The film is about a guy who has to take three bratty kids to an amusement park as they do nothing but cause trouble and panic. The film was so bad that even the trailer couldn't make it sound good. I mean, listen to this tagline.

  Tagline : "Bebe's Kids", it's animation...

  Nostalgia Critic : And that's about all they can say about it. They can't say it's a good film, a funny film, or even a film. All they can say is, it's animation. That's pretty bad. Because someone at Universal foolishly thought this film would be a hit, they did a video game tie-in for the Super Nintendo.

• Nostalgia Critic : So it starts off with you entering the theme park Fun World. Well, if you got to put the word "fun" in the title, chances are it's not going to be that enjoyable.