- Francine Smith: Man, you got me thinking about weed now. That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda. I smoke a bone, then I drain a two-liter of Sunkist in like a second. Freaks people out.
- Stan Smith: [to Francine] Where's Steve? I want to see how my fantasy basketball team is doing.
- Francine Smith: Well, he understood the fantasy part, but had no idea what basketball was. He tried to add three griffins and an orc to your roster.
- Stan Smith: Fucking nerd.
- Stan Smith: Jury duty is the best way for honest citizens to punish lawbreakers.
- Roger the Alien: It's a waste of time. Like getting an HIV test. Roll the dice, scaredy-cats!
- Roger the Alien: [to Stan] Face it, I'm Ferris Bueller and you're my jealous, big-nosed, sour-faced sister Jeanie.
- Stan Smith: Now, while I'm gone, I need you to manage my fantasy basketball team.
- Francine Smith: Can I make any trades?
- Stan Smith: No. Just set the lineup.
- Francine Smith: Stan, you need a power forward.
- Stan Smith: I have Dirk Nowitzki.
- Francine Smith: He's soft, Stan. You need a thug. You need Ron Artest.
- Stan Smith: I don't want Ron Artest. You know what, forget it. I'll have Steve set my lineup.
- Francine Smith: Fine. Let that nerd set your lineup. Watch you lose.
- Jeff Fischer: [after Jeff is caught masturbating in the bathroom by Francine and Klaus] I'm sorry, but when I'm not smoking pot, I suffer from HLS, Hyperactive Libido Syndrome. When it hits, I got to get busy right away.
- Francine Smith: If you're gonna do that in this house, you'll do it where everyone else in this family does it: in Steve's bed.
- Steve Smith: [off-screen] What?
- Francine Smith: Hayley, I think we need to have a little mother-daughter talk.
- Hayley Smith: Okay.
- Francine Smith: Your husband's "condition" is way out of control. Bottom line, you need to start satisfying him more, sweetie.
- Hayley Smith: But, Mom, I satisfy him all the time.
- Francine Smith: Well, then you got to do it better. Get creative, Hayley. Use your pinky.
- Hayley Smith: I'm using my pinky, Mom.
- Francine Smith: I don't think you're using your pinky.
- Hayley Smith: I told you I'm using it.
- Francine Smith: But are you really using your pinky? I don't think so!
- [brings out a tub of lube]
- Francine Smith: Get. Up. In. There.