- Nostalgia Critic: Uh-oh, how's Ed gonna screw up this time? Oh, Ed, you nincompoop. But I'll bet it will all work out in the end somehow, it always does. Uh-oh, it looks like all those chemicals are causing the burgers to explode. That's so out of the ordinary, I dare call it wacky. You people had better run faster, there's no telling what other zany antics could follow. Ooh, it's that character nobody likes. Do you think he'll get his comeuppance in the end? That all depends, do you want CHEESE on that? Oh ho ho, looks like God is finally smoted you for making Jingle All the Way, Sinbad.
- Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?
- Nostalgia Critic: You certainly can, Ed. You certainly can. DIE!
- Nostalgia Critic: Abe Vigoda, what are you doing? Is there just really no movie that you'll say no to?
- Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute, are you actually trying to have a moment? Are you actually trying to emote... an emotion? Other than disgust? I'm sorry, but it's a little hard to get into this "moment" when one of the last scenes we saw was...
- Otis: I think I broke my ass.
- Tumbleweed: You know what? Fuck it.
- Nostalgia Critic: Hey, don't get philosophical with me, kid. It's not that kind of movie.
- [as Ed]
- Nostalgia Critic: We're all born to die, sir.
- Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?
- Nostalgia Critic: No, but you can take this...
- [gives him the finger]
- Nostalgia Critic: And shove it up hard!
- Mr. Wheat: Why, why would this man give us a test on the last day of school before summer starts, well I'm gonna tell you why, because... the MIND never sleeps.
- Nostalgia Critic: Right on, my... mid-70s, early '80s, Black Panther, hippie environmentalist, blaxploitation, flower child... brother?
- Nostalgia Critic: So Ed tries to convince his boss that Dexter should begin the job at Good Burger.
- Ed: Hey, Mr. Bailey, this guy needs a job. Can he have one?
- Mr. Bailey: No!
- Nostalgia Critic: End of movie. Bye.
- [gets up to leave]
- Ed: Come on, Mr. Bailey, he really needs one...
- [Critic gives up and sits back down]
- Shaq: I feel hungry.
- Nostalgia Critic: Take the food, take anything, just PLEASE don't do any rapping!
- Nostalgia Critic: I can safely say I am not the least bit happy. Why? Because I have to review what many consider to be a double order of bullshit with extra crap and a side of dick-cheese. The fast food abomination simply known as Good Burger.
- Kurt: If anyone can get the sauce out of Ed, she can.
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, I don't wanna know HOW she gets the sauce out of Ed. I just assume that's private.
- Nostalgia Critic: Hold on, will somebody give Abe some direction back there? Give'im a cookie or something? I mean, come on, that's Abe Vigoda, not a dish rag! He's the funniest thing in this movie and I don't even think he's supposed to be there!
- Nostalgia Critic: This is crap! This is godawful! Good Burger? Good God, what a load of shit! It's like if shit could shit and that shit could shit and that shit could shit and that shit could raise money to put together a team of filmmakers to produce a steaming pile of flaming violent shit!
- Dexter: Here you go, Ed, you get to keep $13.00.
- Ed: Wow, that's almost $14.00.
- Nostalgia Critic: Wow, that IS the stupidest thing I ever heard, plain and simple.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh that's right, smack your ass. Show us what a delightful character you are, you little troublemaker.