- Stranded man: [as Danny leaves the bar at 1:00am] Excuse me, sir, do you know if Jiffy Lube is open?
- Danny: Huh?
- Stranded man: It's Sunday. Do you know if they're open or not?
- Danny: Does this look like the ass of someone who would know if Jiffy Lube's open on Sundays?
- [moons the man]
- Stranded man: Oh, hell no!
- Danny: [Danny looks out the window while talking on the phone] HOLY SHIT! I gotta go! Some squirrel's fucking my tomatoes!
- Danny: [Danny is scheduled for an appointment with Dr. Rhodes] Remember that fat wrestler from the 1980's named Dusty Rhodes? Man, he was a piece of shit!
- [Cameraman falls down laughing]
- Danny's Dad: You change your damn glasses more than you change your damn shirt! Why don't you try wearing a different shirt for once in your life?
- Danny: Why don't you just fuck off?
- Danny's Dad: [Everyone brings a bowl of mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving] What is this, "Shit Load of Mashed Potatoes Day"? Huh?
- Danny's Dad: [after falling down] Oh, fuck! Goddamn!
- Danny: Are you okay, dad?
- Danny's Dad: Hell no, I'm not okay, I'm an old man and I fell on my ass!
- Danny: [His Son tosses a roll of paper towels to him which accidentally hits him in the groin] Motherfucker, You hit Me in the dick, you're lucky it wasn't hard!... I meant this thing, not My dick!
- Salesman: You know what they say; "You say to-may-toes, I say to-mah-toes". Haha.
- Danny: You can shove those "to-mah-toes" up your fat ass!