Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Room (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Future Critic, Seahorse

Quotes 

• Mark : I used to know this girl who had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad she wound up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.

  [Johnny laughs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : That's not funny, you sick fuck.

• Lisa : He's so boring.

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, if making love to your navel is boring, then I don't wanna know what exciting is.

• Johnny : Let's go eat, *huh*?

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh gee, can we eat *huh*? I've never had HUH before. Is there a HUH restaurant around here?

• Nostalgia Critic : Why don't you get a new hobby? You know, like Mark. He's made a wonderful new hobby out of screwing his best friend's fiancee and yet acting totally surprised every time he does it.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Wiseau]  Jean Claude Van Damme could be an English teacher compared to this guy.

• [when, in the movie, Lisa asks if Johnny is dead, the Critic reacts with a near-meltdown before abruptly calming down] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, yes. Yes, he is, young lady. He has passed on. This person is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff! Bereft of life! He rests in peace! If he didn't shoot himself, he'd be pushing up DAISIES! His metabolic processes are now history! HE'S OFF THE TWIG! HE'S KICKED THE BUCKET! HE'S SHUFFLED OFF THE MORTAL COIL! RUN DOWN THE CURTAIN AND JOINED THE FRIGGIN' CHOIR INVISIBLE! THIS... IS AN *EX-PERSON*!

  [the Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch is shown] 

  Pet Shop Owner : Well, I'd better replace it, then.

  Nostalgia Critic : [flailing arms around]  GOOOOOOOOD!

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, I've gotten e-mails and e-mails and e-mails and e-mails and *e-mails* from people wanting me to review this one certain movie. Well, today I'm finally gonna give in. This is it. One of the big ones. One of the worst ones ever. I am going to review... "The Room".

• Nostalgia Critic : Is he fucking her belly button? Cause it looks like he's fucking her belly button. Dude, I don't know how many times you've had sex, but it's not *that* tight!

• Linkara : Don't do it, Critic! There's still time!

  Nostalgia Critic : Linkara?

  Linkara : You don't wanna sit through "The Room"! It sucks out your mind and replaces it with stupid!

  Nostalgia Critic : Dammit Linkara! I made a promise to get through this film and by God I'm gonna keep it!

  Linkara : You're mad, Critic. Mad!

  Nostalgia Critic : Be gone!

  Linkara : Okay.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Lisa]  Come on, we'll have sex on his corpse. It'll be tons of fun.

• Claudette : Somebody had better do something around here!

  Nostalgia Critic : [in old lady voice]  Or Granny will bust a cap in your ass.

• Flowershop Cashier : Oh hi, Johnny, I didn't know it was you.

  Nostalgia Critic : Didn't know it was him? You didn't recognize the five-foot girlie-haired French zombie until he took off his sunglasses?

• Mark : [after Johnny commits suicide]  Wake up, Johnny. Come on!

  Nostalgia Critic : Wake up? I don't think he'll really wake up from a bullet in the mouth.

• Mike : Did you know that chocolate is the symbol of love?

  Nostalgia Critic : Did you also know that when it rains... ha ha ha ha... people get wet.

• Nostalgia Critic : [laughing at Tommy Wiseau's poor acting]  O-ok, ok. No no no. Come on, come on; where's the real performance?

  Nostalgia Critic : [laughing harder after another bit plays]  No, seriously guys, come on. Where's the real actor?

  Nostalgia Critic : [Another clip plays and he is totally silent as the smile slides from his face]  No...

  Nostalgia Critic : [Another clip, this one with the dreaded 'huh?']  No... Let me guess. That's Tommy Wiseau?

  [a bell indicates correctness] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [the Critic whimpers and buries his face in his hands]  That's the kind of acting they talk about in fairy tales! The kind of acting they say couldn't possibly exist!

• [Mark kisses the dead Johnny on the head] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [British narrator voice]  Good night, sweet prick. And flights of assholes send thee to thy rest.

• Nostalgia Critic : And wouldn't you know it? Even the sex is really off! I mean, look at this angle here. Really look at it. Is he fucking her belly button? 'Cause it looks like he's fucking her belly button. Dude, I don't know how many times you've had sex, but it's not that tight!

• Nostalgia Critic : So Johnny finally throws the bitch out as he throws the most over-the-top and yet somehow non-chalant temper tantrum.

  Johnny : [screaming]  Arrgh! Why, Lisa, why? Why?

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Johnny]  Yeah, I'm angry, I guess. Roar, roar. I'm really mean and frustrated, HUH? Dis is what angry people do, right, HUH?

• Nostalgia Critic : But I wanted to review my old college movie. It was gonna be funny.

  Critic from Future : No it wasn't.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes it was.

  Critic from Future : What, were you going to make another Chuck Norris joke?

  Nostalgia Critic : Maybe.

• Nostalgia Critic : Wow. So what year is this?

  Critic from Future : The future!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Johnny]  So, this is our main character. You know that creepy guy who always looks at you funny on the subway? He made a movie apparently. And in that movie, he plays Johnny, the fiance of a pretty young woman named Lisa.

• Nostalgia Critic : So a kid comes over and they go upstairs to have sex? That's kinda rude.

• Nostalgia Critic : Why am I downstairs in the basement?

  Critic from Future : Oh, it's the only place we can hide from the seahorses.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh... what?

  Critic from Future : Oh yeah, seahorses rule the earth now. Complete domination. Surprised no one saw it coming, really.

• Nostalgia Critic : So I'm guessing five days later they finally get sex over with, or... whatever the hell you call that.

• The Spoony One : No, Critic, don't do it!

  Nostalgia Critic : Spoony?

  The Spoony One : Don't throw your life away, it's not worth it!

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, I'm getting through this movie and that's final!

  The Spoony One : No, Critic, nobody should be forced to watch Highlander II!

  Nostalgia Critic : Highlander II? I'm not reviewing Highlander II.

  The Spoony One : Oh... for a minute there I thought you'd gone totally insane. That's a relief. So tell me, what movie are you reviewing?

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm reviewing The Room.

  [Spoony screams and runs from the room] 

• Nostalgia Critic : And that's The Room. Christity Christ Christ!

• Mark : What's going on?

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh my God, do you need landing lights to the bed? She wants to sleep with you! That's the thing she does every other stinkin' time you're over, you fucking idiot!

• Johnny : [plain]  Everybody betrayed me. I'm fed up with this world.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh sheesh, it's like Christopher Walken if they sucked out all likeability.

  Christopher Walken : Ouch.

• Nostalgia Critic : [seeing a shot of Johnny's bare ass]  Ah! Fuck it, movie! Fuck it! I got a hard enough time watching his acting, you gotta show me his ass? What the hell?

• Obscurus Lupa : Don't do it, Critic!

  Nostalgia Critic : Obscurus Lupa?

  Obscurus Lupa : I've reviewed this movie already. There's no need for you to sacrifice your sanity as well.

  Nostalgia Critic : I must, Lupa. True it will be hard to sit through this anus of a performance, but I must do it for my fans!

• Johnny : That's me.

  Nostalgia Critic : Why did he say that? She didn't give him any reason to say that. Is that just his random catchphrase of the day?

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Wiseau]  Let's role play. You be Sonja Blade and I'll be a terrible actor.

• Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, kid, how dare you have somebody point a gun at you. That's very inconsiderate.

• Nostalgia Critic : Stop laughing at things that aren't funny, you goddamn weirdo!

• Johnny : Anyway, how is your sex life?

  Mark : I can't talk about it.

  Johnny : Why not?

  Nostalgia Critic : Why not? Because you just brought it right the fuck out of nowhere, you weird... alien man!

• Nostalgia Critic : So then we cut to... holy shit! Do these guys do anything other than playing football?

• Nostalgia Critic : That is like the Nirvana of bad acting. The Holy Grail. All hail to you, your lameness.

• Nostalgia Critic : [British voice]  For never was there a tale of more blow, than this dumbass bitch and her Tommy Wiseau.

• Claudette : I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yikes.

• Lisa : [on phone]  Hello, Mark? It's Lisa.

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Johnny]  Oh God, are you serious?

  Lisa : Don't worry about Johnny, he's just being a big baby.

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm standing right here, man!

  Lisa : You know that I love you very much.

  Nostalgia Critic : You're tearing me apart, Lisa!

• Nostalgia Critic : Boy, this movie isn't nearly repetitive enough though. How about yet another talk with Lisa's mother, as they discuss the same thing they discussed in the last three conversations.

  Lisa : I'm really not into it.

  Claudette : Why not?

  Nostalgia Critic : Wait, wait, I think I can guess. I'm in love with Mark, not Johnny.

  Lisa : I'm in love with Mark, not Johnny.

  Nostalgia Critic : It's not right, Lisa.

  Claudette : It's not right, Lisa.

  Nostalgia Critic : Skip it!

• Johnny : You're just a chicken. Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Mark]  Nobody poorly imitates my favorite farm animal!

• Mark : [to Johnny]  Wake up, man, what planet are you on?

  Nostalgia Critic : That's the first legitimate question I've heard throughout this movie.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Mark]  Dude, I like dicks. Okay? I like dicks. I didn't know you wanted that spelled out for you.

• Nostalgia Critic : But ultimately he gives in as Mark and Lisa partake in spiral stair sex... interesting location. But more important things are going on, like Johnny buying his girlfriend some flowers.

• Nostalgia Critic : [Lisa is talking with her mother regarding Johnny and their relationship, this scene resembling an earlier one]  Didn't they already have this conversation, like 5 other times? She's like,

  [as Claudette] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You should like Johnny.

  [as Lisa] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I don't.

  [as Claudette] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You're a slut.

  [as Lisa] 

  Nostalgia Critic : yes.

  [as himself] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What else is there to talk about?

• Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, yeah, insert gratuitous sex scene here.

  [fast forwards through sex scene] 

• Nostalgia Critic : So if you're really up for some absolutely horrible, and yet surprisingly entertaining shit, this movie is for you.

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Mark as he and Lisa make out]  Dude, I thought we were gonna talk.

• Nostalgia Critic : Also, what was up with the rushed pace of that last couple of seconds? Did they only have enough money to rent the store for, like, two minutes and so they had to shoot it really fast?

  [imitates Johnny] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I would like to buy a dozen roses.

  [as man off-screen, shouting] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey jackass, I'm closing my store in 30 seconds!

  [as Johnny] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Here's the money, keep the change, hello doggy, bye.

• Nostalgia Critic : Looks like we have a personal story here people. Be very afraid.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Denny]  We don't know that much about him, but after a few scenes, you'll wish to stay that way.

• Critic from Future : [the Critic is about to review his homemade movie "The Room" when he gets interrupted]  Critic!

  Nostalgia Critic : Who are you?

  Critic from Future : I'm you! From the future!

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, what are you doing here? Or am I doing... Or what are we doing here?

  Critic from Future : This isn't the movie they want you to review, Critic. There's one worse, far worse that they say is one of the worst movies of all time!

  Nostalgia Critic : Really? Oh, it is tempting. When was it made?

  Critic from Future : All the way in 2003!

  Nostalgia Critic : But that's after my cutoff date. That's barely nostalgic.

  Critic from Future : I know, that's why I've come to take you into the future, so that it will be nostalgic!

• Nostalgia Critic : [beginning the movie]  Okay, so after we get our logo that looks like it should be before a Turbo Grafx 16 game, we cut to our opening credits. We get some fairly decent shots of San Francisco as we see the star of our movie is Tommy Wiseau... who I guess was also the executive producer. And the writer. And the producer again. Gee, either the director of this film really likes Tommy Wiseau or...

  [scoffs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say...

  [the credits read: "Directed by Tommy Wiseau"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, just as I thought.

• [Denny wants to watch Johnny and Lisa make out, but Johnny tells him to leave] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So... was that a charming scene, or should we be emotionally disturbed? Oh, well, who cares. We have a gratuitous sex scene to shoot! Which, apparently, they waited until night to do, considering they started during the day and as soon as they started taking their clothes off, it's at night. What, did they just pillow fight the whole time?

• Nostalgia Critic : If you think it took a while for them to start making out, see how long it takes for them to actually start having sex. I mean it. They kiss, play with their clothes, she puts her hair down... just so she can put it back up again. It practically takes forever!

• Nostalgia Critic : [scene cuts from Johnny's party to a wide angle shot of San Francisco]  Okay, enough of that scene.

  [movie cuts back to Johnny's party] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And now back to that scene. What, was that just the screensaver while the movie loaded?

  [wide angle shot returns with a superimposed static download disclaimer that reads "loading dick sauce of a movie"]