Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Thief and the Cobbler (2010)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I reme...

  [phone rings and he answers it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hello.

  Vincent Price : Critic, I knew you would blow me off after that last phone call, so I set a time bomb in your house before it was built. Clever me, but don't worry; it's set to go off in exactly fifty seconds. You'd better run, big boy.

  Nostalgia Critic : [quickly]  I remember it so you don't have to.

  Vincent Price : One, two, skip a few, fifty.

  [explosion] 

  Vincent Price : Ooh, I love it when I'm nasty.

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, hold on. Tack, Zigzag, Yum-Yum? These aren't names, these are words an infant is trying to say for the first time.

  [imitates baby] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Tack! Zigzag! Yum-Yum!

  [movie poster is shown] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Shitty fuck fuck fuck shitty fuck fuck shitty fuck!

• Nostalgia Critic : Meanwhile, we discover that Zigzag has an evil plan to, you guessed it, take over the...

  M. Bison : Of course!

  Nostalgia Critic : ...world.

• Vincent Price : Oh, and do look out for that pumpkin.

  Nostalgia Critic : [hangs up; a pumpkin falls into the frame and hits him on the head]  Ow! What? Pumpkin? Pumpkin, what? What? What? Pumpkin, what?

• ZigZag : [looking at Tack the Cobbler]  What, cobbler?

  Nostalgia Critic : I don't think he said anything.

• Nostalgia Critic : Continuity: It's not just for the coherent anymore.

• Nostalgia Critic : [hears Narrator's voice and it sounds familiar]  Oh God, don't tell me.

  Tatoupolis : That's alotta fish.

  Nostalgia Critic : Vagina shit!

• [first lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Today's film is, um... interesting.

  [a message briefly appears reading "INTERESTING = BULLSHIT"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And when I say "interesting", I mean it has a very interesting history. The name of the film is "The Thief and the Cobbler". Or "The Princess and the Cobbler". Or "Arabian Knight". Or an abomination of assness, which is what most people call it. If a film can't decide on what the title is, how can it decide on the audience it's going to appeal to? Is it appealing to toddlers? To older children? To the mainstream Disney crowd? The strange, surreal, fantasy crowd? What? WHAT?

• Nostalgia Critic : [on the phone with Vincent Price]  What do you want?

  Vincent Price : This cacophony of cock you've paraded over my fierce elucidations strikes me with humiliation and discomfort. You see, I want you to know why I stammered in rhythmic drawls of iambic pentameter in this cinematic adventure... err... whameter.

  Nostalgia Critic : You mean explain why you rhymed?

  Vincent Price : [beat]  Yes.

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, well, why?

  Vincent Price : [pause]  Oh, blast, I can't remember.

  Nostalgia Critic : [scoffs]  That's just great. Years after your death, and you can't remember why you rhymed in that movie.

  Vincent Price : No, no, I do. It's on the tip of my tongue. Oh, it had something to do with Rock Hudson and a banana cream pie.

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, I'm hanging up right now.

• Nostalgia Critic : Oh, and just like those other Disney songs where the landscapes and grand visuals are stunning, this musical performance has spinning... aaaand spinning... and, uh... MORE FUCKING SPINNING! GOD, IT'S LIKE THEY GOT THE CHOREOGRAPHY FROM THE TASMANIAN BALLET THEATER!

• Nostalgia Critic : Once upon a time, there was an animator named Richard Williams. He's said to be one of the great animation directors, having done the Chuck Jones-produced "Christmas Carol", that trippy "Raggedy Ann and Andy" film, and probably his biggest accomplishment, the animation for "Who Framed Roger Rabbit". Yet before all of that, he started production on "The Thief and the Cobbler" in 1964. It was released in 1993. What the hell happened all that time? Apparently the film was independently funded and Williams went on and on saying that this was going to be his masterpiece. Because of this, the film took years and years of perfecting and financing to finally get it finished. In fact, one of the actors died before the film even got released; Vincent Price recorded his dialogue over twenty years before it ever saw the light of day. And as of now, it continues to be the longest time it's ever taken to complete an animated picture. Because this turkey was taking so long, the film was bought by the Completion Bond Company and kicked Williams off the project, having it released by Miramax and putting together their own half-assed cut that is still considered to be the cum bucket of a dick-cock. This is that version. So let's see how this magnum opus went to magnum anus in "The Thief and the Cobbler"!

• Narrator : Long before the heroic tales of Aladdin and Ali Baba, the first Arabian Knight was chosen.

  Nostalgia Critic : You hear that, Disney? We sort of beat you to it!

• Narrator : [finishing the film]  So next time you see a shooting star, be proud of who you really are. Do in your heart what you know is right, and you, too, shall become an Arabian Knight.

  Nostalgia Critic : Unless you're an animator who spends most of his life and thousands of dollars trying to tell the story he's always wanted to tell, in which case, you're totally screwed.

• Nostalgia Critic : So, we finally see our hero simply known as Tack. A pretty pale looking fellow for someone who lives in the desert. And an answer to your question, no, I don't know why he looks like Beetlejuice's Raggedy Ann doll.