- Ted Lasso: All right, we gotta do it. All-time favorite Julie Andrews character. Go!
- Roy Kent: Fuck it. Maria!
- Ted Lasso: Resolute as always. Coach, what you got?
- Coach Beard: Eliza Doolittle.
- Ted Lasso: Ooh, audio-only performance! I love that. Professor Higgins?
- Leslie Higgins: Come on, you Poppins!
- Ted Lasso: Same, I'm right there with you. Trent, you have one? You don't have to. You got one?
- Trent Crimm: Clarisse Renaldi, Queen of Genova.
- [coaches all look impressed]
- Roy Kent: Fuck yeah, "Princess Diaries"!
- Coach Beard: Deep cut. Zagged.
- Coach Beard: Bigger issue is, you put Zava up front, either Jamie or Dani's gonna have to drop back to midfield.
- Ted Lasso: So who do we think will take the news better? Dani or Jamie?
- Ted Lasso, Coach Beard, Roy Kent: [in unison] Dani.
- Ted Lasso: Yeah. Nah, Jamie's a lot like my mom's Precious Moments figurines collection.
- Trent Crimm: I have no idea what that means.
- Roy Kent: He's a fragile little bitch.
- Jamie Tartt: What the fuck do you want?
- Roy Kent: You frowning while we're on a win streak, that's a bad look.
- Jamie Tartt: You frowned your whole career.
- Roy Kent: No, I never smiled. That's different.
- Jacob Brianson: [landline rings] Are you gonna answer it?
- Michelle Lasso: No. It's probably a telemarketer. Henry, let's go!
- Jacob Brianson: May I answer it? I have a thing for messing with telemarketers.
- Michelle Lasso: Knock yourself out.
- Jacob Brianson: Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Watch this.
- [answers the phone]
- Jacob Brianson: [imitating Donald Trump] Um, hello. You've reached the house of Michelle Keller, who by the way is doing amazing things with orange slices these days. You're gonna be amazed. It's really spectacular. How can I help you?
- Ted Lasso: [confused] Well, hey, Mr. Former President. Boy, have I got a bone to pick with you.