- Tom Haverford: Here's my card.
- Andy Dwyer: It's impossible to read.
- Tom Haverford: Black Print. Black Background. Coolest Possible Color Scheme!
- Andy Dwyer: Yeah!
- Tom Haverford: It's also a strong magnet, so keep it out of your wallet. It will destroy your credit cards! Guar-en-teed!
- Andy Dwyer: Destroy my credit cards? Debt and everything?
- Jerry Gergich: Okay, so you're sure now that everything is okay that I'm... down there?
- Dr. Harris: Perfectly healthy.
- [to camera]
- Dr. Harris: That man has the largest penis I've ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps. I forgot to look. I was distracted by the largest penis I've ever seen.
- Chris Traeger: Ann Perkins!
- Ann Perkins: Hey! Did you maybe tell people that I diagnosed that guy with mumps based on his porn photo?
- Chris Traeger: I did! I was so proud of you.
- Ann Perkins: Okay, because now I have everyone in city hall sending me pictures of their junk asking me if they have mumps.
- Chris Traeger: Oh my god. Your inbox is literally filled with penises. I'm so sorry.
- Ann Perkins: Oh, look! Ed Miller from payroll.
- Ron Swanson: If you're gonna stay here, there are three rules you need to follow: One, no talk about Tammy One. Two, no talk about Ben. Three, no talk.
- Leslie Knope: I didn't even ask you last night: What is going on with Tammy One?
- Ron Swanson: You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges.
- [Throws Leslie's coffee out of its cup]
- Tammy One: Sit up straight. You're not doing your breasts any favors.
- April Ludgate: Thank you.
- Andy Dwyer: Wow, honey! Your breasts look amazing!
- Chris Traeger: And so, effective immediately, all male employees must stop sending explicit photos to Ms. Perkins.
- Irving: If I may, what if based on empirical evidence, I truly believe there's a grave and immediate medical emergency? Were that the case, could I then show you my dong?
- Ann Perkins: No.
- Chris Traeger: That would be harassment.
- Irving: Fair enough. Now completely different scenario. Let's say I've been watching a lot of women's golf and I've had some wine...
- Leslie Knope: You only have nine toes?
- Ron Swanson: I have the toes I have. Let's just leave it at that.