- Sheriff Mike Thompson: When have you ever seen me take a backseat? I don't even sit in the back seat in a car. If I hail a cab, I say "shotgun" or I drive.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: You know I'm the town sheriff, right? Which means 100% of my job is being a therapist.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: That percentage seems high.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: It's not. If anything, it's low.
- D'Arcy Bloom: So you're in denial about being denial.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Yes. No. I deny denying it.
- D'Arcy Bloom: Oh, is this where I find out you're a serial killer?
- Elliott: I'm more of an oatmeal guy. Get it? 'Cause it's cereal...
- D'Arcy Bloom: No, no, I got it. I'm just surprised you said it.
- Asta Twelvetrees: We're safe?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [to himself] No, the earth is doomed. But at least I do not have to clean crying snot off your face.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [claps hands] I've got good news.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Okay, the only news I wanna hear is that you're gonna stop clapping your bony, porcelain hands before they trigger a migraine.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [mutters] Just regular hands.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I am afraid of death.
- Gerard: You-you-you shouldn't be.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: How are you not afraid? You will be dead soon.
- Gerard: No-no-no, things got better when I found out that I was dying. It reminded me that life isn't forever. I began to appreciate every moment.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Like when there is only one slice of pie left. It tastes better.
- Gerard: Exactly.
- Nurse Ellen Cho: Gerard Hundemer needs you to do a house call to bring him pain medication.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: He is dying. I do not want to go. It is depressing. Cancel.
- Nurse Ellen Cho: You're joking, right?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Of course I'm joking, ha ha ha ha. Reschedule it until after he's dead.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: So I was thinking maybe you could take a backseat and let Jessup take the reins on this investigation.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: When have you *ever* seen me take a back seat? I don't even sit in the back seat of a car. If I hail a cab, I sit shotgun or I drive.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: It's just hard to talk to her sometimes.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: No, I get it. When it comes to talking to 'em, you gotta treat women like they in the cartel, right? You wanna to have a conversation, you take them to a public place. That way you don't have to worry about them murdering you.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: So you think Kate wants to murder me?
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Based on the fight at the party, I put the odds at, like, 35%.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Seems high.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You got life insurance? Because that'll push it up to, like, 60.