- Harry Vanderspeigle: Love is like being shot out of a cannon. Thrilling, except for that very last part when you hit the ground and your body breaks into tiny pieces. That part ruins the trip.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You're saying I'm giving Mike the power in the relationship. I need to find out what's going on, take my power back.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I didn't say any of that.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: You know, you have a strange method, but I'm starting to get it. You say the wrong thing for me to learn the right thing.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Wrong.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Right.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, God damn it!
- [as Harry plugs in his music]
- Asta Twelvetrees: That's it. I'm pulling the plug.
- D'Arcy Bloom: Not something you want to hear in a doctor's office.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: I hear everything, deputy. I'm like a fennec fox. Look it up. It's cute as hell.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Liza, you are being very naughty. If you do not stop throwing knives at Daddy, I will limit your screen time.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [voiceover] I had a bad feeling. I only get bad feelings about bad people. And since my job only puts me with bad people, I feel bad all the time.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I liked my baby better when he was sweet and not so murder-y. I do not understand. I gave him a good life, a freezing-cold planet to live on where he could run and play and try to kill other children. What does he do? Tries to stab me with a knife. The little scamp.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I would be so sad if I did not know that my baby existed. And I realize now that happiness is not just getting love but getting to love.
- D'Arcy Bloom: Oh, and notice I didn't ask why you're cuffed to the bed. That is something a mature person would do, and I want credit.
- Kate Hawthorne: Yeah, I noticed. Thanks for that. It's nothing weird. It's... it's not a sex thing.
- D'Arcy Bloom: Actually, the sex version would be the not weird explanation.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: He might be following us.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: I know half his ass is, because it's in the bumper.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Are either one of you going to kick me in the nipple?
- Kayla: I mean, I wasn't, but now it's all I can think about.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: A guy could tail people all day, hoping one of 'em will surprise him. By the end of that day, all he'd have is a hat full of disappointment and gum on the bottom of his shoe. Ohh. Gumshoe. I get it.
- Joseph Rainier: I can't be misogynistic about a person that does not exist.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Oh, hell yeah, you can. The whole world's a landmine.