- Jeff Winger: None of us have to go to anyone, and the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath-mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.
- Jeff Winger: Remember, it's just a quick peek at Blade. If you tell anyone that we did this, I will stop letting you do things with me I'm afraid to tell anyone about.
- Shirley Bennett: Hey, I get it. You want to take a look at Britta's ex-boyfriend; if you did it by yourself, you'd be weird.
- Jeff Winger: [beat] You're the only one who really understands me.
- Jeff Winger: Your parents named you Blade?
- Blade: Apparently.
- Jeff Winger: Well, you seem okay with it.
- Blade: Not much to do about it.
- Jeff Winger, Shirley Bennett: You could change it.
- Blade: To what? Templeton Ferrari III? Won't change how mustard tastes. I'll be right back.
- Shirley Bennett: Huh. Won't change how mustard tastes. I get it. I see the appeal. He's relaxed, he's cool. N-not as cool as you.
- Britta Perry: I'm glad you guys are reacting this way. I need to be reminded that he's the worst man on earth, because if he comes through town and calls me, I will be there in five minute.
- Shirley Bennett: I don't understand.
- Britta Perry: Uh, André much?
- Shirley Bennett: OK, I understand.
- Annie Edison: I don't.
- Britta Perry, Pierce Hawthorne: You will.
- Jeff Winger: What's that mean?
- Pierce Hawthorne: He's hung.
- Britta Perry: Oh, God!
- Shirley Bennett: Pierce, you're disgusting.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Just like that I'm disgusting again.
- [scoffs]
- Pierce Hawthorne: I was one of the gang. It was in my hand.
- Shirley Bennett: Sometimes, a woman meets a man that she just can't shake from her system no matter much she knows better. I lucked out with André, but God help me. As you all know, there's not a lot he couldn't get away with.
- Jeff Winger: So what, Britta? You're in love with a guy who's named after a kickboxing vampire movie?
- Troy Barnes: [pounds fist on table] A fantastic kickboxing vampire movie.
- Britta Perry: No, I don't believe in love because of this guy...
- [choking up]
- Britta Perry: named after a kickboxing vampire movie.
- Annie Edison: Oh, Britta!
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, sweetie.
- Troy Barnes: [under his breath to Abed] You wanna watch Blade tonight?
- Abed Nadir: [under his breath] Yes.
- Dean Pelton: [enters dressed as a railroad engineer] She'll be comin' around the mount-dean when she comes, whoo-whoo! Just letting the students know that if you're on campus this weekend, you'll have to park on the street because of the carnival. On an unrelated note, I'm into trains now!
- Shirley Bennett: Why do you wanna know the secret to making a woman psycho?
- Jeff Winger: Why do we wanna know how to blow up the earth or grow a human ear on a mouse? In case we have to, Shirley. In case we have to.
- Britta Perry: Let me see if he called! I have a right to know! You're monsters! You're Hitlers! You're racist pedophiles! You're the opposites of Batman!
- Troy Barnes: You don't know what that means.
- Britta Perry: Gonna rip out your throats and eat your...
- Annie Edison: Still think the lock was overkill?
- [banging on locked door]
- Troy Barnes: No.
- Annie Edison: [mocking Troy] "There's phones in the refrigerator." It's you.
- [doorknob rattles]
- Jeff Winger: I love that I have a locker now. All that wasted time going to my car for mid-afternoon wardrobe adjustments.
- [Holds up a shirt on a hanger]
- Jeff Winger: What do you think, hmm? Stick with what's working?
- Annie Edison: You're gonna change your shirt?
- Jeff Winger: Not if it's working.
- Annie Edison: ...It's not working.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah. You're right. I knew it.
- [Takes his shirt off. Annie stares]
- Female Student: [Passing by] I'll have what she's having.
- Annie Edison: Hey, grow up, lady!
- [Continues to ogle Jeff]
- Britta Perry: [Running up to them] Annie!
- Annie Edison: [Awkwardly tries to cover] His shirt wasn't working!
- Annie Edison: You weren't texting Blade, you were texting us. I switched Blade's number in your phone to mine.
- Britta Perry: You tricked me?
- Annie Edison: You tricked me! You ask for my help, you tell me I'm your sister, I do everything I can to make you hate this turd, and the first nice thing he says, and you're over him? Who hurt you? And why didn't it stick?
- Annie Edison: She's calling him?
- Troy Barnes: She was born in the '80s. She still uses her phone as a phone!
- Vice Dean Laybourne: Mine is not to tell you how to do what I want done. Mine is to want and to say my want. Yours is to know and to do.
- Dean Pelton: I know exactly what to do.
- [Laybourne leaves. Dean buzzes his secretary]
- Dean Pelton: Natalie, could you get me a, um, book on how to do things? You know what, just make me a scotch and soda.
- Natalie: Make it yourself!
- Dean Pelton: [Crying] I don't know how!
- Pierce Hawthorne: I decided to go outside the group for a best friend.
- Jeff Winger: And you couldn't do better than Chang?
- Ben Chang: You take that back! He could do plenty better than me. I was the first to say yes.
- Ben Chang: So this is best friendship.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Something else, isn't it?
- Ben Chang: How do we keep it going? How do we know we won't get into a fight?
- Pierce Hawthorne: I say we just let it happen.
- Ben Chang: Don't tell me what to do!
- [Gets angry and storms off]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Annie, I want you to take my phone. Do not let me call Chang. I'm locking myself in your room.
- Pierce Hawthorne: So, Britta, tell us about your carnival worker boyfriend.
- Britta Perry: Why, so you all can get a big laugh?
- Abed Nadir: Yeah.
- Jeff Winger: I'd love to have a laugh.
- [giggling interspersed throughout the group]
- Troy Barnes: The exact reason.
- Britta Perry: Fine. I'm not ashamed of my past. And if it entertains you guys, that's great because we're friends. His name is Blade and...
- [interrupted as the group again bursts into derisive laughter]
- Jeff Winger: She invoked friendship to undercut the laugh, and we're still laughing. That's how funny it is!
- Abed Nadir: His name is Blade. Is that legal? Shouldn't New Line Cinema be suing him?
- Britta Perry: He was called that before that stupid movie.
- Troy Barnes: He was called that before the fantastic movie.
- Abed Nadir: And it was a marvel comic in 1973.
- Britta Perry: Well, nerd alert.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Well, ex-boyfriend named Blade alert.
- [Shirley laughing as she offer Pierce a high-five]
- Pierce Hawthorne: .
- Shirley Bennett: Her love life makes Pierce seem with it.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Her pain unifies us.
- [Britta appears stoic]
- Pierce Hawthorne: She has the King Arthur of bad taste in men.
- [empathy begins to show with Jeff]
- Britta Perry: [introspectively] I wonder.
- [to the study group]
- Britta Perry: I have an ex-boyfriend that travels with a carnival.
- Annie Edison: [study group bursts into derisive laughter] I'm sorry, Britta. Some things are funny because they make no sense and that is *not* one of them.
- Pierce Hawthorne: How come I'm not best friends with anyone in the group?
- Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison: Aw!
- Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison: Don't patronize me.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh.
- Dean Pelton: [knock at front door, Abed answers]
- [sing-song]
- Dean Pelton: Boys' night!
- Abed Nadir: I need help reacting to something.
- Dean Pelton: Hi!
- Britta Perry: Can you check my messages for me and tell me if he called?
- Annie Edison: I don't think that's a good idea.
- Britta Perry: What if my mother died?
- Abed Nadir: You guys are really talking over Blade.
- [Britta grabs the remote and pauses the dvd]
- Troy Barnes: Not cool!
- Abed Nadir: Annie, subdue your guest.
- Annie Edison: You two are bad friends! Bad.
- Troy Barnes: That's unfair. What about you guys? Okay, you don't like our movie, we can't say the word "Blade," there's phones in the refrigerator. Oops.
- [Britta, Annie and Troy race to the kitchen]
- Annie Edison: Troy, Abed!
- Britta Perry: [Annie opens a drawer to check Britta's phone] Give it to me!
- Annie Edison: That's right, Britta. It's a banana.
- Britta Perry: Why is there a banana in your DVD cabinet?
- Annie Edison: Read the banana, Britta.
- Britta Perry: "You are a lying junkie."
- Annie Edison: I'm sure those words hurt. But you wouldn't be reading them if they weren't true.
- Britta Perry: I am so weak.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What do you wanna do next? Cotton candy?
- Ben Chang: Russian roulette?
- Pierce Hawthorne: What did you say?
- Ben Chang: Cotton candy sounds great.
- Dean Pelton: Britta's attracted to unavailable men.
- Troy Barnes: Dean, why are you here?
- Dean Pelton: Ouch.
- Annie Edison: [phone buzzing] She's calling him?
- Troy Barnes: She was born in the '80s. She still uses her phone as a phone.
- Abed Nadir: Uh-oh.
- Annie Edison: She's whipped by an imaginary douche.
- Dean Pelton: Hey, don't knock it till you try it.
- Jeff Winger: And you don't know anything about carpentry.
- Blade: Nope.
- Jeff Winger: Or aquariums, freshwater or saltwater. Do you have a big weiner?
- Blade: Nope.
- Jeff Winger: I don't get it, Blade! What's your secret? Why do I wanna impress you? Are you dumb or smart? Are you a loser or winner? Or are you just a human mirror? Do we all see what we wanna see in you?
- Blade: A magician never reveals, right?
- Jeff Winger: Right. Later.
- Blade: Okay. You dropped over 300 bucks on my booth, so I'll tell ya. You wanna know my secret?
- Jeff Winger: Yes. Yes, I do.
- Britta Perry: I was texting with you guys this whole time? So Blade... isn't a loser!
- [gasps]
- Abed Nadir: Uh-oh.
- Annie Edison: No, let her go. Lost cause, man.
- Dean Pelton: Well, it looks like my news has incited some doings, and if that's not my job, what is? Choo choo!
- [exits]
- Jeff Winger: [calls out after Dean] Well, you're also supposed to... eh. Administrate the school.
- Annie Edison: I figured it out. I know exactly what to do. I'm just gonna be really, really, really mean to her.
- Troy Barnes: Uh. What don't you get about the concept? Britta likes guys who are mean to her. She doesn't like herself. Give me the phone.
- [Troy writes and sends text]
- Annie Edison: What did you say?
- Troy Barnes: Something nice. Don't worry about it. I'm deleting it from your phone.
- [...]
- Troy Barnes, Britta Perry: [Annie grabs Britta's phone and begins reading texts] What are you doing?
- Annie Edison: I wanna know.
- Britta Perry: Okay, I'm sorry. I was texting with Blade, but it's over now. He's... a loser.
- [Annie glances at Troy]
- Troy Barnes: [sadness fills Troy's eyes] Good night.