Community (TV Series)
Virtual Systems Analysis (2012)
Alison Brie: Annie Edison
Photos
Quotes
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Annie Edison : [Inside Abed's simulation, where he is impersonating Troy. Annie sticks a needle in Troy's arm] Sodium pentothal, known commonly as truth serum.
Troy Barnes : I saw Abed's name in the hospital school files, I love butt stuff, I hate spiders, I stole a pen from the bank, I cried during About a Boy... the soundtrack... I don't wash my hands before surgery. I can see why women find Clive Owen attractive to the point where I might just as well be attracted to him. I use comparisons to Hitler to win arguments on the Internet at the drop of a hat. I know nothing about wine. I'm more turned on by women in pajamas than lingerie. I just want to know they feel comfortable. I didn't get Inception.
[Sobbing]
Troy Barnes : I didn't get Inception...
[Sobbing continues]
Troy Barnes : There's so many layers!
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Annie Edison : [Inside Abed's simulation, where he is impersonating Shirley] Shirley, get me the file on Abed.
Shirley Bennett : Abed doesn't exist, young lady.
Annie Edison : He exists if I say so. This is my hospital school.
Shirley Bennett : Your hospital school, young lady, is a simulation being run through a filter of other people's needs. Abed's been filtered out because nobody needs him.
Annie Edison : I need him.
Shirley Bennett : Well, you're not simulated.
Annie Edison : No, but this is!
[Slap sound]
Annie Edison : And there's more where that didn't come from.
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Abed Nadir : [Inside his Annie/Annie simulation, impersonating Annie] But we love Jeff.
Annie Edison : No, we don't. We're just in love with the idea of being loved. And if we can teach a guy like Jeff to do it, we'll never be unloved.
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Annie Edison : All right, listen. The scenarios you run in here are like... great science fiction. They're impressive and detailed and insightful, but they're not accurate for crap. Science fiction never has been. Look at 2001. Did we have a space odyssey? No. We got snowboarding in the Olympics and we over-validated Carson Daly.
Abed Nadir : That poor guy.
Annie Edison : Yeah, cry me a river. My point is, your simulations are nothing more than anxieties. You're afraid you don't fit in. You're afraid you'll be alone. Great news: you share that with all of us. So you'll never be alone and you'll always fit in. And, yes, that's why I meddled with Troy and Britta. You caught me. I was trying to make life go according to some script. I can't. You can't. We both need to get more comfortable winging it. At least it'll be less work.
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Annie Edison : [Inside the Dreamatorium simulation] Tell me where we are so I can pretend to see it.
Abed Nadir : We're inside a locker. It's where I spent a lot of time in junior high.
Annie Edison : You think this is where we'd put you? You know that's absurd, right?
Abed Nadir : Well, I'm not stupid. You can see I've increased the square footage. It's a metaphorical locker. It's a place where people like me get put when everyone's finally fed up with us.
Annie Edison : Abed, so maudlin. If you start turning into a vampire...
Abed Nadir : I've run the simulations, Annie. I don't get married, I don't invent a billion dollar website that helps people have sex. I don't make in into Sundance, Slamdance or Dance Pants. Troy invents Dance Pants in 2019. Don't tell him, he needs to stumble onto it.
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Jeff Winger : We are so screwed. How are we gonna memorize all this?
Shirley Bennett : Let's just go over it again. Kingdom, phylum, class...
Pierce Hawthorne : [Adds the rest quickly and effortlessly] Order, family, genus, species.
[Everyone is shocked]
Pierce Hawthorne : I use a mnemonic device. "Kevin, please come over for gay sex."
Annie Edison : Why wouldn't you use "Karen"?
Pierce Hawthorne : It's gay sex, dummy.
Shirley Bennett : So use "great".
Pierce Hawthorne : Now I can't remember anything. Thanks!
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Annie Edison : You're mad at me for playing matchmaker with Troy and Britta. You think you're gonna lose Troy.
Abed Nadir : I'm not petty, Annie. I'm mad at you because you tampered with the fabric of the group. How do you know Troy and Britta pairing up wouldn't destroy everything? I run the scenarios. I examine this stuff from every conceivable angle.
Annie Edison : Oh, and you can do that but I can't? You don't have a patent on being a control freak, Abed.
Abed Nadir : I kind of do. You think this is just a room where Troy and I play dinosaurs versus river boat gamblers together? Sure, it's how I got the construction approved, but, much like myself, the Dreamatorium has higher functions. Would you like me to show you how your stunt with Troy and Britta will play itself out?
Annie Edison : Why not?
Abed Nadir : Execute simulation Troy/Britta. Render environment Señor Kevin's.
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Annie Edison : [Inside Abed's simulation, where he is impersonating Jeff] So where are we now?
Jeff Winger : We're in the doctor's lounge of Greendale Hospital School.
Annie Edison : Hospital school?
Jeff Winger : It's a sexy emotional school where doctors save lives and make love, often simultaneously. Our stories, ripped from the headlines. Our passions, unbridled. Our cafeteria, eh... Make love to me, Ann. I know I'm just a surgeon and you're a hotshot upstart administrator, but damn the rules, damn the system, damn our two foot height disparity, I want you.
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Annie Edison : [Inside Abed's simulation, where he is impersonating Jeff] Jeff, get the files.
Jeff Winger : Why me?
Annie Edison : Because you can see the cabinets. And I'll make love to you.
Jeff Winger : Jackpot!
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Annie Edison : Abed? You know how you wanted me to tell you when you were being scary weird instead of cute weird? This is scary weird.
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Annie Edison : Maybe we should go to Señor Kevin's. Britta, didn't you want to try that new cage-free bean burrito?
Britta Perry : The tortillas are made with micro-financed flour.
Annie Edison : Troy, you could drive. You always like that spiral parking ramp.
Troy Barnes : You just keep turning left, but you end up up!
Abed Nadir : I can't go to Señor Kevin's. The manager and I are enemies. He said Die Hard was bad. He said Die Hard was bad.
Troy Barnes : I know, buddy.
Annie Edison : Well, how about this. This lunch is already a runaway train,
[fake chuckle]
Annie Edison : no point in stopping it. Troy, Britta, you go to Señor Kevin's. Abed promised he'd show me how the Dreamatorium works. Today's the perfect day for it.
Abed Nadir : But I want to...
[interrupted]
Annie Edison : Abed, don't you think today's the perfect day for it?
[smiling through gritted teeth]
Abed Nadir : No.
Annie Edison : [irritatedly trying to signal Abed] Abed.
Abed Nadir : Is this a social cue?
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Annie Edison : [cell rings] Hey, Troy, I'm glad you called. Your lunch is going well, right?
Troy Barnes : Yeah, just checking on Abed. Making sure he's okay.
Annie Edison : [irritated] What? He's fine. He just implied I operate on a lower level of brain function, so business as usual.
Troy Barnes : Great, um, just, you know, make sure he stays comfortable. I worry about him when I'm not around.
Annie Edison : Well, he's fine, he always will be. People bend over backwards to cater to him.
Troy Barnes : He's just extra sensitive in the Dreamatorium. It takes a lot out of him to run that thing. I don't want you to break his brain.
Annie Edison : [abruptly] Bye, Troy.
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Annie Edison : I have a better idea. You know what would make your scenarios a lot more realistic?
Abed Nadir : If Troy weren't on a date.
Annie Edison : Why don't you take all your thoughts and your logic and add one step to the process.
[begins rearranging the Dreamatorium construct]
Abed Nadir : [concerned look] What are you doing?
Annie Edison : From now on, before you do or say anything, you're gonna think about how it affects the people around you.
[confused Abed shakes his head]
Annie Edison : We lower functioning brains call this "empathy".
[Abed begins a high-pitched whimpering]
Annie Edison : Abed?
[Abed screams and collapses]
Annie Edison : Abed? Oh, my God, I broke Abed.
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Annie Edison : [inside Abed's Dreamatorium simulation, where he's impersonating Jeff] Knock it off, Abed.
Jeff Winger : I'm not Abed. You're confused, so was I, but not anymore.
Annie Edison : Jeff... Abed, stop! I don't wanna do this. I want to talk to Abed. I'm taking the file. Oh, it says Abed is in the recovery parlor. Condition... never better.
Jeff Winger : You're... not holding anything. This is the file. Abed Nadir, psychiatric patient 1373, control freak with no empathy. People bend over backwards to cater to him. Signed, healthcare administrator Annie Edison.
Annie Edison : That's out of context.
Jeff Winger : Shh.
[Jeff gently cups Annie's cheek to which she's receptive]
Jeff Winger : You've thought of everything, Annie. With Abed gone and Troy and Britta together, there's nothing standing in the way of us.
Annie Edison : Wait, what?
Jeff Winger : Come on. This is you dream. This is why you played matchmaker. This is what's important to you.
[Jeff leans in, Annie withdraws in disgust]
Annie Edison : You are not Jeff. Because Jeff cares about Abed. And I did not push Troy and Britta together so this would happen. I did it because I thought they were cute together and this would have been a bonus. And we are not here. And I'm not staying here because I hate whoever you are.
[Annie storms off]
Jeff Winger : You should probably storm off in...
Annie Edison : [Annie runs into a wall and is knocked down] Oh!
Jeff Winger : In place.
[Dreamatorium simulation ends]
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Abed Nadir , Troy Barnes : [harmonizing] Troy and Abed in the morning
Abed Nadir : Today we're joined by Annie Edison...
Annie Edison : Hi!
Abed Nadir : Who's gonna show us how to spruce up your apartment on a budget.
Troy Barnes : So, Annie, what inspired this throw?
Annie Edison : Well, I just thought that I'd cover up the stain where Abed spilled Code Red on the couch last week.
Abed Nadir : Oops. Crafty. And you have some tips on entertaining.
Annie Edison : Yes, if you're expecting company, but you don't have enough chairs, you can bring out pillows from your bedroom and use them on the floor for a Moroccan feel.
Troy Barnes : Ooh, a taste of the Orient.
Abed Nadir : Ooh!
Annie Edison : Actually, boys, I have a little surprise for you.
Abed Nadir : Uh-oh.
Annie Edison : While you two were out playing blazer tag...
Abed Nadir : That's laser tag with sport coats.
Annie Edison : I did a little extreme bedroom makeover! I unbunked your beds and got scrap fabric and...
[Abed begins a high-pitched whine]
Troy Barnes : It's okay, buddy. We can put it back. We can put it back the way it was.
Annie Edison : I'm so sorry.
Troy Barnes : It's okay.
[whining continues]
Troy Barnes : It's... cut, Garrett.
Annie Edison : Sorry!
[stuttering whine]
Annie Edison : [Troy holds up a hand-drawn "Technical Difficulties" sign]
