2 Broke Girls (TV Series)
And the One-Night Stands (2012)
Beth Behrs: Caroline Channing
Photos
Quotes
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Caroline Channing : Congratulations. It's official. Our website is now live.
Max Black : Congratulations. It's official, you're a whore. I hear you got your Kinko's card punched.
Caroline Channing : What, heh?
Max Black : Don't "what" me. I know you hooked up with the webmaster.
Oleg : [Oleg rings the bell] Pick up.
Caroline Channing : Oleg, you told Max?
Oleg : What's happening?
Caroline Channing : Our deal's off. Oleg had sex with Sophie last night.
[Max gasps]
Sophie Kachinsky : No. No. It wasn't sex. Just hand stuff. Yeah. And nothing above the waist. I'm a lady. Yeah. I got all hot and bothered watching Caroline and big Han.
Edwin : Okay.
[Edwin chuckles]
Edwin : You know, I really think this is between Caroline and me.
Han Lee : You mean between Caroline, you and your strippers.
Caroline Channing : Strippers?
Han Lee : I have seen this man in a strip club.
Max Black : Han, you were in a strip club?
Han Lee : [Han points to Earl] Earl took me.
[Earl stands there with his mouth wide open]
Earl : Damn it, Han! You gonna sell me out, after I spotted you a hundred dollars in ones.
Oleg : You went to Spreaders without me?
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Caroline Channing : Why would you take Han to a strip club?
Max Black : Yeah, is his lap even big enough for a dance?
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Max Black : Oh, look. We just passed Carvel.
Caroline Channing : What's a Carvel?
Max Black : Carvel Ice Cream? You know, Fudgie the Whale. Cookie Puss. C'mon, how could you not know Carvel? They have them everywhere.
Caroline Channing : Oh, wait, is that that white trash ice cream?
Max Black : [Max gasps] How dare you? It is not white trash. And I wouldn't be so high and mighty. You're on a free bang buss to a prison.
Caroline Channing : I'm sorry. I didn't realize you had such a strong emotional connection to ice cream.
Max Black : Not to the ice cream. The ice cream cake. When I was 10, I asked my mom for a birthday party. She said yes, but then flaked out and forgot to call anyone.
Caroline Channing : I'm starting to understand why you don't like birthday parties.
Max Black : So after I waited on the porch for an hour, I stole 20 bucks from her purse, thumbed it out to Carvel, and bought myself a Fudgie the Whale cake. I ate the whole thing with a pink plastic spoon and it was way better then any party ever could have been.
Shonda : I heard that. Ain't nothing better then Fudgie the Whale.
Jefferson : I love the chocolate crunchies.
Shonda : Bitch, everybody love the damn chocolate crunchies!
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Caroline Channing : [to Max] You know, you and I are better then BFFs. We're BBFs.
[In deep voice]
Caroline Channing : Bang Bus Friends.
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Caroline Channing : I got to see my father, and he saw me.
Max Black : And I got to see Irish. I think he might be the one that got away, or the one that got put-a-way.
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Caroline Channing : Pinky swear? Wait, never mind, I don't know where your hands have been.
Oleg : I just told you where they've been.
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Caroline Channing : It's strictly business.
Max Black : Alright, but it's costing us 200 dollars, might as well get something out of it. Maybe let him browse your Yahoo.
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Caroline Channing : Heads up, everybody, I just refilled the paper towels. Who's a team player? What? What?
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Caroline Channing : This is nice, getting out of the city. Kinda reminds me of the ride to the Hamptons.
Shonda : Yo. This your first time on the bang bus? We call it the bang bus because everybody here gonna get banged. And in addition, because we on a bus.
Max Black : Mm, makes sense.
Shonda : Hey, I'm Shonda.
[Shonda puts out her fist to fist-bump Caroline]
Max Black : I'm Max. This is Caroline.
Caroline Channing : Heh. So you're all going for, like, conjugal visits?
Max Black : Pretty fancy term for getting Shawshanked on a three-legged cot.
Shonda : Shawshanked. I like her.
Caroline Channing : I like your hair. Did you just get back from Cancun?
Shonda : Oh! No, I saved up and I got these done for my man. He says they make me look like Alicia Keys meets Ed Norton in "American History X".
Max Black : How sweet.
Shonda : Oh, yo, what's your man in for?
Jefferson : My man's in for possession of a sweet, sweet ass.
Shonda : Ugh. He makes that joke every time.
Caroline Channing : He's not my man actually, He's my dad.
Shonda : Oh, oh! so you a freak! That's all right. I don't judge. You see a name tag on me that says "Judy?"
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Caroline Channing : I'd like to see a manager.
[the guard stares at Caroline]
Guard #1 : There's no manager. It's a prison.
Caroline Channing : Well, then, who runs this place?
Guard #1 : Well, the Aryan Brotherhood's getting pretty strong.