Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (2012)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• [the cast of 80s Dan think "Temple of Doom" is the best Indiana Jones movie ever, while "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" is the absolute worst ever] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm sorry, I can't let this fly!

  80s Dan : What are you talking about, 80s Doug?

  Nostalgia Critic : "Temple of Doom" sucks!

  [the cast of 80s Dan all vehemently disagree] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, I know people really hate "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull", but how come "Temple of Doom" always gets a free pass? It has some of the silliest scenarios, the stupidest lines, and the most obnoxious characters! So how come this one usually gets overlooked whenever talking about bad Indiana Jones flicks?

  80s Dan : Because it's awesome.

  Nostalgia Critic : It's not! It's terrible! And to prove it, I'm gonna go over it and show just how freakin' silly this film is!

  80s Dan : [scoffs]  You're gonna find something silly in an Indiana Jones film?

  [scoffs again] 

  80s Dan : Good luck there, pal.

  Nostalgia Critic : [smugly]  Let's begin.

• [in the movie, Indy's friend, waiter Wu Han, gets shot and killed, while the Critic think he's just "a wasted script page"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Farewell, totally pointless Lucas character. You'll be buried next to Mac from "Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" and the Bothans from "Star Wars".

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Mola Ram]  Oh, no, it's the Manos: Hands of Fate guy. Hey, give some credit; that guy's phony-baloney nonsense is probably closer to a real religion than this one is.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Short Round]  Is there anything more annoying than someone that just screams every other line they say?

  [screaming] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I MEAN, THAT'S REALLY OBNOXIOUS!

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, Indy grabs a fork and holds Willie hostage with it]  Our hero, everybody! When he's not holding knives to women's backs, he's drowning puppies in buckets of poison. Then again, I guess Indy always has been a bit of a prick when it comes to helping women. He holds a knife to his future love interest. He finds his other girlfriend kidnapped, only to leave her behind. He has another chance to save her, but throws it away just to see what's in the box! And Elsa? Well... she was a Nazi anyway.

• Nostalgia Critic : [during the dining scene]  You know, as a person who loves Indian food, I should be insulted by how culturally insensitive this is, but if there is a culture that can make this stuff taste good, by God, it's the Indian culture! So I'll give it a pass.

  [in the movie, they open up monkey heads to reveal chilled monkey brains to eat, much to Willie's disgust] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, come on, lady. What do you think you're gonna eat when the original caretaker from "The Shining" is at the head of your table?

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, at least to its credit, it does start off like an Indiana Jones movie. I mean, you got the mountains, the rough and gruff tone, the epic feel of adventure, the...

  [the scene opens on Club Obi-Wan where Willie dances and sings with a group of other female performers] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ...dancing Broadway singer, the line chorus, the tap-dancing number? Did I just pop in a copy of "That's Entertainment" by mistake? What the hell is this? Would you ever guess this is an Indiana Jones movie just by the opening?

  80s Dan : That's why it's so great! It plays with your expectations, and it catches you off-guard.

  Nostalgia Critic : But it has nothing to do with anything. I keep expecting the cast of "Blazing Saddles" to bust in!

• Nostalgia Critic : [frustrated with Willie]  That's it, I'm changing my Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress. I'm switching her out with Jubilee, and putting Willie in the number five spot. Yeah, Jubilee's fashion sense is much weirder, but you know what? She fucking tried! Her?

  [Willie is whining about being outdoors; the Critic groans] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Christ! Take her out, Marion!

  [Marion Ravenwood fires a gun at Willie, causing her head to explode] 

  Nostalgia Critic : By god, she's awesome!

• Nostalgia Critic : [stunned by the infamous heart-ripping sacrifice scene]  JESUS CHRIST, MOVIE! I mean, I know the Indiana Jones films can be crazy in their death scenes, but... HOLY SHIT! This is like something a psycho would write! God, it's like how they fire journalists at Fox News!

  Human Sacrifice : [as the cage he is in is lowered, he speaks, while the Critic "translates" what he is saying]  I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say Obama had a point! I won't tell Glen Beck to stop crying again! I swear I thought "Fair and Balanced" WAS a joke!