Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Scooby-Doo (2012)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Past Critic, Future Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [extremely agitated]  Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have... What the fuck am I doing? No, really, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? I'll tell ya what I'm doing: "Scooby-Doo", the douche horse movie.

  [shows the movie's title] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, fuck it. This is what I think of the movie: it fucking sucks, the end!

  [end credits start rolling, but the Critic returns, appearing to get out of character] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, no, I wouldn't do that to you, but at the same time: is this it? Is this really life? No! This isn't life. This isn't even anything even *representing* life. But it's life for me. It's pretty pathetic, but it's all I got. I know what you're saying: "Wow, that's pretty sad." Well, yeah, it is fucking sad. I don't get to go out and hang with friends. I don't even have any friends. I have nobody to contribute anything to. I have nobody to talk to or bounce things off of. You know, it's like "Hey, what'd you think of that? I'll tell you what I think of that." No, it's just me, bitching and moaning, like I always do.

  [starts ranting and raving] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And some might be say that's a sad existence. Well, yeah, it is a pretty sad fucking existence JUST SITTING HERE AND TALK ABOUT "SCOOBY FUCKING DOO"!

  [yelling] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING! I've never done anything to make someone's life better! Or... Or... Or GONE AND PLAYED A GAME WITH SOMEBODY! I would LOVE to play a game with somebody! Wouldn't it be great? I mean, somebody's just like, "Hey, why don't you come over and play this game with us?" "What game?" "Parcheesi." I don't know what the fuck people are playing, but you know what? It'd be nice! It'd be nice to be invited! I've never even gone out to a... a bar with somebody, hang with some friends! I've never gone to a... a strip club!

  [slightly calmer] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, I've gone to a couple strip clubs...

  [ranting again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... but I've never gone with anybody! I've never been there, and actually been like...

  [makes a suggestive gesture] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... okay, not with people, but STILL, you know what? It'd be nice! It'd be nice just ONE DAY to go somewhere! Or somebody's just having a good time, and somebody just says outta nowhere, "Hey, you know what? THAT guy was okay! Not great, but he was okay!", instead of, "Hey! Who was that little fuck-shit?"

  [yelling] 

  Nostalgia Critic : WELL, I'LL TELL YA WHO THAT FUCK-SHIT IS! HE'S THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HE REMEMBERS IT SO YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO! EVEN THOUGH, EVERY FUCKING DAY HE EXISTS, HE *WISHES* HE DIDN'T HAVE TO! HE *WISHES* HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS *BULLSHIT* TO MAKE YOU WATCH AND GET YOU RATINGS! AND *WHY* DOES IT HAPPEN? WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK? BECAUSE *YOU'RE* FUCKING SICK, AND *I'M* FUCKING STUPID! THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! IT'S THE WAY IT'S *ALWAYS* GONNA BE! THERE IS *NO* CHANGE! THERE IS *NO FUTURE*! THERE IS NO *PAST*! THE *PRESENT* IS A JOKE, EVERYTHING IS *HELL*! MY LIFE IS HELL! *THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH!*

  [lets out a loud, ear-piercing scream before finally calming down] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So, let's start.

• Fred : [in Daphne's body]  I couldn't get to my body. I didn't know where else to go, I panicked!

  [Looks at Daphne's body] 

  Fred : I can look at myself naked!

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, this movie was intended for children, right?

• Nostalgia Critic : So the film opens with, big shock, a pop song.

  Past Critic : Yeah, but so what? The original had pop songs, too.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, and I'm sure that never dated either, just like having Sandy Duncan or the Harlem Globetrotters.

  Past Critic : Who?

  Nostalgia Critic : Exactly.

• [the Nostalgia Critic has met his younger self; both are startled to see each other] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What the hell?

  Past Critic : Holy shit, it's like looking into the future!

  Nostalgia Critic : Is that me from the past?

  Past Critic : Oh, hey, does the internet ever become anything, or do we still just use it for porn? It's porn, isn't it?

• [the Critic's past self wants to watch "Scooby-Doo"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, younger me, whatever you do, don't watch that piece of crap.

  Past Critic : What? But they say it's a satirical, hip new look at the characters I know and love.

  Nostalgia Critic : But it's not done well. It's just a corporate sellout.

  Past Critic : Oh. Well, forget it, I hate corporate sellouts. They're all narcs! They can all just kiss my ass! Hey, by the way, what's it like making bajillions of dollars selling your ideas?

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, yeah, about that, um... Little word of advice from your future self: you may not wanna keep making those videos.

  Past Critic : What? Why not?

  Nostalgia Critic : Trust me, they're not as good as you think they are.

  Past Critic : But what the hell do you know, you stupid, closed-minded narc?

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm YOU, you dumbass!

  Past Critic : Yeah, well, how do I know the corporations didn't get to ya? How do I know they didn't find ya and like brainwash you into talking to your younger self, convincing me not to make the greatest movies of all time?

  Nostalgia Critic : Look, I'm not making this up. Listen to me, this is totally believable. You need to stop because Mara Willson, the little girl from "Mrs. Doubtfire", is going to find them and blackmail you with them years later.

  Past Critic : [unconvinced]  Dude, that's seriously the best you can do?

• [the Nostalgia Critic and his younger self have now met their much older self, who looks and sounds like Doc Brown] 

  Future Critic : What are you doing here? Or what am I doing here? Or what is going on here?

  Nostalgia Critic : I don't know. It's like all these different parts of my life are coming together; the past, present, and future. All I wanted to do was just watch the fucking "Scooby-Doo" movie!

  Future Critic : Wait! I was going to put it on, too. My memory of "Scooby-Doo" is so bad, I was going to put it on to see if I could remember it.

  [shudders] 

  Nostalgia Critic : But, wait. Both I and the young me were going to watch it, too.

  Future Critic : GREAT SCOTT! We're all going to watch the same movie!

  Past Critic : Yeah, so?

  Future Critic : And yet, somehow, it caused a temporal anomaly in time. Hmm... We best watch this movie together, Critic. Something tells me that all the answers to our questions may be in this film.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, trust me, this film has no answers.

  Past Critic : Speak for yourself, narc!

  Nostalgia Critic : OH, SHUT UP, YOU PRETENTIOUS LITTLE...

  Future Critic : Hey! Don't make me split myself apart!

  Past Critic : He started it! Narc!

  Nostalgia Critic : Well... let's go ahead and figure out what is going on. Let's watch the "Scooby-Doo" movie.

• Nostalgia Critic : So after listening to... I don't know, "Scoob Doggy Dogg", we start off with a caper going on. Or rather, the end of a caper actually.

  [in the movie, the gang plans to capture the ghost in question, who had kidnapped Daphne, with a vat of oil] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh... did we fast forward past a few scenes?

• Nostalgia Critic : [confused by the movie's opening scene]  It's weird, isn't it? They're giving you a taste of what one of the capers of the show was like, but you wouldn't really get that unless you grew up watching the show.

  Past Critic : Well, I did, and I think it's very clever that they're satirizing the original, showing they have a sense of humor, by...

  [sees the movie's version of Scooby and becomes confused] 

  Past Critic : ... making Scooby look like Marmaduke. Seriously, is that supposed to be Scooby-Doo? It barely looks like him! It looks more like a gremlin that got microwaved with a bear rug!

  Future Critic : Not to mention the crappy CGI effects. Tell me, did they really look that bad in your time period?

  Past Critic : Well, not... this bad. But, hey, maybe it's a loving send-up to the bad animation of the original show.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, but the original show had an excuse for why it was bad. Each episode had the budget of a ham sandwich and two minutes to put it together. What's this film's excuse?

  Past Critic : Well, it is kinda neat, though, how they're making fun of their roles. Like how Daphne's the damsel in distress, Velma's the smart one, Fred's full of himself.

  [in the movie, Pamela Anderson comes out of the Mystery Machine] 

  Past Critic : Look, they're even mocking the pointless celebrity cameos!

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, I don't think that's mocking a pointless celebrity cameo. I think that just *is* a pointless celebrity cameo.

• Future Critic : Oh, here's a little fun fact for you. Isla Fisher's in this movie.

  [he pronounces it "Elsa Fisher"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Isla Fisher?

  [pronounces it "Ess-la Fisher"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ooh, that sweet honey from "Wedding Crashers"?

  Past Critic : Who?

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, you don't know her yet, but she's one of the most attractive women you'll ever see in your life! Oh, my God, she is such a hottie.

  [Isla Fisher's character Mary Jane is talking to Shaggy] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Who the hell is that? That's Isla Fisher? Really? Her?

  Past Critic : Umm, she's okay, I guess...

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, no, they make her one of the prettiest women of all time! She's, like, a knockout!

  Past Critic : If you say so.

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, and she's funny, too! Really, really funny!

  [in the movie, she comments on how no one has given her a stuffed dismembered head before] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [dumbstruck]  I swear to God, she becomes really, really funny!

  Past Critic : Really?

  Future Critic : No, really! She's funny and attractive! There's this really great scene where she ties Vince Vaughn to a bed and puts a sweaty sock in his mouth...

  [he stops as he realizes what he is saying] 

  Past Critic : [more than a little confused]  Do I have to become you?

  Nostalgia Critic : It works in context!

• Fred : Scrappy, I told you: no urinating on Daphne!

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Fred]  That's my job!

• Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Shaggy after he falls roughly into the villain's lair]  Thank God I'm so high I can't feel my eight broken bones!

• Future Critic : [seeing Fred in Daphne's body]  This movie was intended for children, right?

  Past Critic : I don't think it was intended for anybody.

• [in the film, Fred and Velma have been captured, and Shaggy reacts with uncharacteristic cowardice] 

  Shaggy : Fred and Velma always figured out everything.

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Shaggy]  My middle name is Judas!