- Film Brain: I think the real question is, why does Malcolm need a synthetic vagina in his fat suit?
- Rap Critic: Could you say the synthetic thing again?
- Film Brain: Synthetic va-gin-ah.
- [Rap Critic looks away in dismay]
- Malcolm: Now I gotta go to work. Some of us work. I'm on da grind.
- Rap Critic: Yes, Trent, be like your dad, who likes to abuse his FBI powers, chase mailmen and dress up like your grandmother.
- Film Brain: He's definitely a role model you'd want to emulate.
- Hailey: So, this was just some kind of job?
- Rap Critic: I mean, I'd have been okay if you dressed like a chick for a hobby, but for some job? That's unforgiveable!
- Film Brain: And aren't music boxes supposed to play music?
- Rap Critic: No one cares about details like that.
- Rap Critic: Yeah, I know why you want me to review that movie. It's because I am...
- Film Brain: A student at an arts college.
- Rap Critic: Uh... yeah.
- Film Brain: They enroll at a female arts college, and hilarity and hijinks ensue. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?
- Rap Critic: Uh, nothing. I thought you were gonna say because I'm a rapper.
- Film Brain: Well there is a rapper in it.
- Rap Critic: Of course there is.
- Rap Critic: I go to an arts school. This is not a thing that happens.
- Film Brain: I live on planet Earth. This is not a thing that happens there either.
- Todd in the Shadows: Didn't we already review this one? It was called Sunday School Musical?
- Film Brain: No, that movie didn't have fat suits in it.
- Todd in the Shadows: God be with you.
- Film Brain: Trent pulls the fire alarm in full view of everyone and doesn't get in trouble for it, because the movie would be over if he got expelled. Trent gets dragged clothes shopping by Hailey, because women be shopping for clothes and that's all they do!
- Rap Critic: Trent goes on a boring date with Hailey. You know, for a slick rapper stereotype, he sure does suck at talking to girls. For a guy who's hiding from a criminal, you sure do suck at not being in public.
- Film Brain: Thankfully they don't actually play any sex games, but close enough, they play Twister because, tee-hee, it's a bit like having sex.
- Big Momma: You puttin' on this front of toughness. Tryin' to act all grown up. You a good, sensitive girl, no different than Big Momma. You strong willed, ya just tryin' to take care of da people who depend on you.
- Rap Critic: No, she's not.
- Film Brain: Yeah, she was certainly protecting people when she stole that rooster, or the fact that she hasn't been anything but a cow to everyone. Yeah, come to think of it, I really don't think she's been protecting anyone. So the not-sensitive girl confesses she made Hailey steal the music box. Remember, she was protecting people.
- Trent: I realized, there's no rush for greatness.
- Rap Critic: But there's an express lane for failure.
- Trent: [in cognito as a girl, looking at another girl coming out of the shower] Dayum!
- Rap Critic: Yep, that's gonna be most of the movie: stupid jokes about how horny Trent is. Jesus, like he's never heard of this thing called self damn control.
- Film Brain: And it makes me wonder how they even pass as women. I mean, they look so fake. Trust me when I say HD is not this movie's friend.
- Rap Critic: Good eyesight is not this movie's friend.
- Trent: Damn... damn!
- Rap Critic: "Damn, damn, damn." Jesus, the stereotypical black guy from Not Another Teen Movie had more variation of dialogue.
- Film Brain: Oh, she hates him, yet she'll go on a date with him so they can get together at the end of the movie. Is ANYTHING in this film not a cliche?
- Film Brain: Trent's boring date continues as Cherkov's men are lead right to him, because he's an idiot, and then they share a romantic piano scene, which is your cue for a piss break.
- Rap Critic: You ever walk into a room and leave and then forget why you went in there in the first place? You know that feeling? Yeah, that must have been everyone who went to see this in theaters, and wait, why does my wallet feel lighter?
- Rap Critic: We would like to remind you that stereotyping is wrong. Not all black people say damn at everything.
- Film Brain: Not all blonde women are bitches.
- Rap Critic: And not all black people own fat suits.
- Film Brain: This has been a public service announcement brought to you by Film Brain and The Rap Critic.
- Rap Critic: Yeah, look, dude, you just spent half of a Big Momma's House sequel dressing as a girl. The worst time for you to brag about how awesome you are would be at the end of that.
- Rap Critic: Now usually when someone does a review like this, they first like to talk about the other movies, but I can't remember them and honestly, I have better things to do with my time.
- [scene cuts to Rap Critic staring at a wall]
- Rap Critic: This drying paint is awesome.
- Film Brain: He's luckier than I am.
- Rap Critic: I don't think this is paint.
- Film Brain: [about Big Momma's House 2] That's about it beside the fact it has no reason to exist.
- Rap Critic: If it has no reason to exist, why is there a third one?
- Film Brain: Because the other two made money, Martin Lawrence needed a house payment, and they wanted to cash in on bloody Glee.
- Rap Critic: Glee?
- Rap Critic: Shouldn't you inflict this on Todd in the Shadows?
- Film Brain: Ah, but I plan to inflict Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel on him some day.
- Rap Critic: Just because you can rhyme the words "lyrical" and "miracle," does not mean that you are one.
- Rap Critic: You want him to sign the contract while he's on duty? Oh my God, that's so crazy, it will never even remotely work. Seriously, the guy's an FBI agent. In what instance would he be willing to randomly sign his name on a piece of paper?
- Film Brain: Well I suppose they had to find SOME way of working him into the plot of this film.
- Rap Critic: Following a trail of bread crumbs to the scene would have made more sense.
- Jasmine: I'm Jasmine, and here's the 411 you probably didn't get on your tour: I call the shots around here.
- Film Brain: Token blonde bitch character.
- Rap Critic: Check.
- Rap Critic: Aw, why would you wanna dump her? She's kinda cute.
- Film Brain: [imitating Big Momma] Well dat's what these movies are about, child. Big Momma teachin' women to listen up, because if ya can't trust a man in drag, honey, who can ya trust?
- Rap Critic: That was really... really creepy.
- Film Brain: Ooh, exactly!
- Film Brain: Meanwhile, Trent is discovering the most mysterious woman thing of all: slumber parties! Oh my goodness, no man has ever gone into this territory before. It's almost like this movie was written by men.
- Film Brain: [When Big Momma raps] That's it, rap is dead.
- Rap Critic: I would just like to personally apologize for letting anybody know this happened.