Archer (TV Series)

Fugue and Riffs (2013)

H. Jon Benjamin: Sterling Archer, Bob Belcher

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sterling Archer : Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Stalin! For the last time, assholes, my name is-

  [KGB agents open fire] 

  Sterling Archer : SHAZAM!

• [Mallory and Lana are watching Archer from across the pool] 

  Malory Archer : Ugh. Now damsel up and get over there. And remember, you have to pretend you don't have a history together.

  [they watch the waiter bring Archer a drink; he sips it, then immediately spits it out and starts coughing] 

  Sterling Archer : For the... sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?

  Lana Kane : [sighs]  I always do.

  [she walks away] 

  Malory Archer : Like a big brown giraffe.

  Cheryl Tunt : Oooh, or an ostrich.

  Malory Archer : [sighs]  Remind me why I let you idiots come.

  Pam Poovey : For the free rooms? 'Cause the only thing you are more than mean is cheap?

  Malory Archer : Oh, shut up. And just because you own this place...

  Cheryl Tunt : I think I just own the conglomerate that owns the holding company that owns the hotel chain that owns it.

  Malory Archer : Don't even think about screwing up our plan to cure Sterling's amnesia.

  Cheryl Tunt : His what?

  [across the pool, Archer is still yelling at the waiter] 

  Sterling Archer : Five ingredients: tequila, Cointreau, lime juice, ice, kosher salt! Oh, and sorry about the Auschwitz crack, that's... that's not like me. I've been under a lot of stress lately.

  Waiter : I'm not Jewish.

  Sterling Archer : Did I ask for your life story?

• Sterling Archer : Sour mix, in a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?

• [opening lines] 

  Sterling Archer : [finishes cooking the burger of the week]  Okay, kids. Who wants Manning Coleslaw? And-or an explanation of why that's --

  [Archer and the Belcher kids get an unexpected visit by the KGB] 

  Sterling Archer : Funny? Sorry, guys, we're uh...

  [One of the officers flips the door sign] 

  Sterling Archer : Closed, yeah, thanks for getting the sign for me because we are closed.

  [a KGB goon locks the door] 

  Sterling Archer : Especially now that the door is locked and you're not really supposed to be back here. Even if you have, uh, um...

  [the other goon reveals a gun under his jacket] 

  Sterling Archer : I-I was gonna say hairnet.

• Linda Belcher : Bob, what do they want?

  Sterling Archer : Hambledurgers, Linda. Would you please go in the goddamn back.

  Linda Belcher : Well, excuse me, Ike Turner. Jeez.

• Goon 1 : Ty skin syn, ISIS shiphon! Even if you kill us, more will come, Archer.

  Sterling Archer : [in Russian]  Khorosho! Ya ih Toje zamochu togda!

  [Archer places the cooking spray can into the goon's mouth and shoots it]