- Tom Haverford: Oh my God, Jerry? When you check your email, you go to AltaVista and type "please go to yahoo.com"?
- Jerry Gergich: Well, how else would I do it?
- Tom Haverford: You don't have your email bookmarked? Do you have any bookmarks?
- Jerry Gergich: What's "bookmarks"?
- Tom Haverford: God, Jerry! You don't deserve the internet!
- Leslie Knope: Let's pretend we're old people and ask Ann our most dirtiest questions. I'll start.
- Leslie Knope: [imitating an old lady] I'm an old lady. Why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president.
- Ann Perkins: Well with the elderly, we're not so much worried about pregnancy, we're worried about disease.
- Andy Dwyer: Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
- Ann Perkins: I don't think so.
- Andy Dwyer: Because it's happening to me.
- Donna Meagle: Where can I get lube that is healthy?
- Andy Dwyer: I rolled my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
- Leslie Knope: I say you look good, nursy. I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo!
- Ann Perkins: [pointing to Donna] You should never eat lube.
- Ann Perkins: [pointing to Andy] You need to see a doctor immediately.
- Ann Perkins: [pointing to Leslie] And I'm sorry sir, but you need to be under 40 to ride this train.
- Judge Lankito: Mr. Haverford, you have a problem keeping your eyes on the road and off your electronic devices. I'm going to tailor a punishment to fit the crime. One week without screens. No phone, tablets, computers, television - anything.
- Tom Haverford: No! Please, send me to jail!
- Tom Haverford: [after crashing Ron's car] A deer jumped in front of the car, and then a bear jumped in front of the deer!
- Ron Swanson: [Reads from the phone] "'Tommy-edamame' is back on the grid. Tell everyone to light me up with their dijjies - gotta load 'em into my burner."
- Tom Haverford: Yes, I went to Best Buy and bought a phone.
- Ron Swanson: Out of the car, now.
- Tom Haverford: Where are we going, Ron? Are we walking to Best Buy to get a better phone?