- Crazy Max: Lately I'm feeling like people aren't taking me seriously.
- Lance Rockett: Are you kidding? That one where you dressed up like a Medieval Knight rocked harder than Europe on The Final Countdown Tour!
- Adam: That's what I was gonna say, too. Except not... like that, and not... in spandex.
- Crazy Max: Who's Europe?
- Lance Rockett: Have a seat in my office, Max. I've got their first three albums on vinyl. Joey Tempest's voice will change your life!
- Oderus Urungus: If I had a daughter I would much rather her marry Joe than you. At least Joe's a real man. You're like an even gayer Hobbit.
- Adam: Well, I don't want to screw over Laura with her parents, you know? But I also have an obligation to Joe and he wants me to mess up pretty big in front of them, you know, so they won't like me as much. But I don't want to screw up TOO big and have them like REALLY not like me. I just wanna screw up like just enough so that Joe can step in and then maybe they'll sorta like him more, you know?
- Oderus Urungus: See? Even gayer Hobbit.
- Oderus Urungus: Alright, here's what you do. Punch Laura in the face, just smash her across the kisser right in front of her Dad and then say "Woman, go get me a beer!"
- Adam: I don't hit women.
- Oderus Urungus: Well neither do I... But I understand it.
- Adam: How did it go with John Anguish?
- Corri: Terrible. He was so mean. He said that he thought that I was dumpy in High School and that I was a stuck up bitch for a chubby girl. He said I dress like a stripper and that I stick out my boobs to hide my ugly face. And he said that I'd never find happiness because I broke up with you.
- Adam: Well sometimes the truth hurts.
- [Off of Corri's angry look]
- Adam: Sometimes. Not all of it. I like... I like your boobs AND your face.
- John Anguish: Adam, the reason why i used to beat you up is because I was jealous of you.
- Adam: ...Go on.
- John Anguish: I didn't get it exactly but girls liked you and you seemed so happy with Corri and everything. You had everything and I had nothing even though you're like an even gayer Hobbit.
- John Anguish: [Mocking Joe's voice] "I'm going to Hollywood! I'm gonna be a great director! My name is Joe!" You have to admit that sounds almost exactly like you.
- [to Adam]
- John Anguish: If somebody called you on the phone with that voice you would think it was Joe.
- Joe: I'm sorry that your life is in the shitter and I hope and pray that you find whatever peace you're looking for, I honestly do. But I'm not gonna sit here and let some asshole from my past cut me down AGAIN just to make himself feel better.
- John Anguish: [to himself] One day at a time, man. One day at a time.
- Joe: You are a dick. But you know what I've learned? There's a lot of dicks out there. Like John Landis. But not me and not this dick.
- [He points at Adam]
- Joe: We are gonna get SHINPADS made.
- John Anguish: SHINPADS?
- Adam: "When they score... you die."
- John Anguish: [to himself] Let go and let God. Let go and let God, man.
- Joe: You made fun of me every day. But guess who's laughing now? ME! Let's get out of here.
- Adam: Oh... and if you ever make Corri cry again...? I'll cut out your tongue and shove it up your ass. OK? OK.
- [Adam slowly pushes the open beer in front of John Anguish's face]
- Adam: Honesty.
- Adam: I can't do this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I... am an even gayer Hobbit.
- Laura's Dad: What's a Hobbit?
- Adam: I like men. I'm into guys and, and... second breakfast...
- Laura: -Enough!
- Adam: -Oh, thank God.
- Laura: I know what a big deal it was for you when I left Colombia and moved to the States. I wanted to make you proud but Daddy you had this whole list of things about the type of guy you didn't want me to be with and... Joe sorta fits everything on that list. But I love him. I love him so much that sometimes I can't even stand it. When I'm not near him it feels like every single one of my bones is breaking. It hurts. I guess I just don't want you to make me move back home because... if I can't be near Joey... my heart will stop beating.
- Laura's Dad: Do you really love this man, Laura?
- Laura: I really love this man, Papa.
- Laura's Dad: Does he make you happy?
- Laura: He makes me happy.
- Laura's Dad: Can he provide for you?
- Laura: He makes me happy.
- Laura's Dad: Do you love my daughter?
- Adam: Well... I mean love's a pretty broad word, you know what I'm saying? It's like, I love a lot of things. I love ARMY OF DARKNESS, I love my Jenna Haze fleshlight, I love, um...
- Laura: Corri.
- Adam: C- Corri. Who's- what?