They Came Together (2014)
Paul Rudd: Joel
Photos
Quotes
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Joel : Give me another one, make it a double.
Bartender : You look like you had a bad day.
Joel : Heh, tell me about it.
Bartender : Well, you came in here looking like crap and you haven't said very much.
Joel : You can say that again.
Bartender : Well, you came in here looking like crap and you haven't said very much.
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Brenda : Desert's almost ready. Who wants coffee?
Eggbert : I would love a double-cream, no coffee.
Valerie : I'll have a half mocha macchiato.
Teddy : I'll have a caf, half latte caramel venti frappuccino.
Molly , Joel : Boy, whatever happened to just good old regular coffee?
Molly : ...Asshole.
Joel : Cunt.
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Joel : Why don't you just take a jerk, you hike!
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Joel : [at dinner party] So, uh, Molly...
Molly : Listen, before you ask me anymore questions from the Icebreaker Handbook, here's the 411: Upper Sweet Side NYC. Does the name ring a bell?
Joel : Yeah. Little candy shop?
Molly : Ding ding ding! Give the man a prize, he's a winner! What does he want Johnny? A new car! Yes, that is my store and I put my whole life into it.
Joel : I had no idea.
Molly : The only line you care about is the bottom line. Are you the kind of person I feel a strong connection to? Yes. Do I find you cute and funny? Yes. Could you be the guy that I fall for and live with forever? Yes, but the point is you're a corporate robot. And so it is with great pleasure that I say to you, go jump in a lake, meathead!
[chucks water in his face and storms off, everyone gasps]
Joel : Molly. Wait, Molly!... Shit.
[awkward silence]
Joel : I'll have what she's having, heh.
Bob : ...You are having what she's having. It's all the same food; the pasta and the beans and the lentils.
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Molly : [Frank comes running] Frank?
[turns to Joel]
Molly : Frank, my old boyfriend, remember?
Joel : Right.
Molly : What are you doing here? Where's Mia, the yoga instructor? Thought you two had eloped and gone to Paris.
Frank : She died, so that's over. Marry me, Molly.
Molly : No, Frank, it's too late for that.
Frank : Okay.
[turns around and leaves]
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Molly : I'll have a low fat, sugar free banana yogurt muffin. But if they don't have that, I'll have half a poppyseed muffin, if they can take out all the poppyseeds and heat it up.
Joel : Okay.
Molly : Hold on! If they can't heat it up, then leave half the poppyseeds in and sprinkle the other half of the poppyseeds onto half of a blueberry muffin, and then cut both halves in half and throw them both away. In either scenario, I want a lemon chocolate loaf but, this is very important, it must be shrinkwrapped, and more importantly it must smell more like lemon than chocolate. Got it?
Joel : That's how you order a muffin?
Molly : What? I want things the way I want them.
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Molly : Umm... forget it.
Joel : What?
Molly : No, I...
Joel : C'mon, tell me.
Molly : Are you hungry?
Joel : Hungry? Try starving.
Molly : Why don't I have you over for dinner? I'll make you my world famous mac and cheese.
Joel : 'K
[smiles and nods]
Molly : I like how you say 'K.
Joel : I like how you say I like how you say 'K.
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Joel : Do you love me?
Tiffany : I love Saturdays.
Joel : I know you love Saturdays, but do you love me?
Tiffany : I think you're A-okay. How many times do I have to say it before you believe me?
Joel : Look, there's something I need to tell you. Ever since you and I got back together, something hasn't felt right. I think deep down, you're a horrible person. Granted, you're smoking hot. And that's something no one could ever take away from you. Except of course, Father Time, who will most certainly take that away from you sooner rather than later. But that's not my point.
Tiffany : What is your point?
Joel : My point is... I'm sorry, but it's over.
Tiffany : Are you breaking up with me?
Joel : Yes. And I should have done it a long time ago. You and I are like rain-proofing on a wooden deck. Finished.
Tiffany : Well, fine. And you want to know something? I always faked it.
Joel : Faked what? Your orgasms?
Tiffany : No, Joel. I'm not who you think I am.
Joel : Judge Judy?
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Karen : That is a crazy story!
Joel : Told ya! It's like a corny romantic comedy.
Kyle : It is. It was such a great beginning, why did you guys decide to get a divorce?
Joel : Well, things got pretty rough after that.
Molly : Roland's promise to keep my store flourishing forever, well, it turned out to be a little bit more complicated than we thought. Long story short, the store is gone.
Joel : And Cup of Joel basically crashed and burned after a week. I mean, it really wasn't anything. And as much as little Tucker loved havin' a new dad around, he was pretty traumatized seein' his real dad get shot in the face by the police.
Molly : The debts started to pile up and I started taking pills to numb the pain.
Joel : And then...
Molly : I started sleeping with Frank again. But enough of our sob stories. The bottom line is, we mutually decided that we were better off as friends than spouses.
Joel : Yeah.
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Joel : Saving that little candy shop is about saving life on Earth as we know it! That's all I've got. I'm sorry to have wasted your time.
Roland : He's right. Well, well, well. You just got yourself a big promotion and a corner office.
Trevor : What?
Joel : Oh, my God. I'm so shocked. I wasn't expecting that to happen at all.
Trevor : This is ridiculous. That corner office was mine!
Roland : I'm sorry, Trevor. Didn't you hear? You're fired! And if your desk isn't empty by tomorrow morning, I am gonna have your license revoked.
Trevor : What license?
Roland : It's over, Trevor. Now get out of here before I change my mind!
Trevor : No, I want you to change your mind. Then I'll still have a job.
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Roger : I want to make a toast. To my beautiful white daughter, Molly.
Pam : Hear, hear.
Joel : [confused look] Wait, what?
Roger : She is beautiful, isn't she, Joel? Skin pure as the driven snow. Completely unmongrelized. Uh... My beautiful Aryan princess, Molly.
Pam : To Molly. Thanks, Mama.
Joel : What the fuck?
Roger : Joel, have you ever thought about how white people should be proud of their heritage, just like other people are?
Joel : No.
Pam : Do you realize because of the race mixers white people are now the minority in this country?
Roger : It's a good point.
Molly : Guys, let's not bore Joel. Justin, how's school?
Joel : [cut to Joel and Molly enters her apartment] How could you not tell me that your parents were white supremacists?
Molly : I didn't think it was important, Joel.
Joel : Not important? Are you kidding? "Oh, hi, Mom. It's me, Joel. Guess what? I'm dating this great girl. Her name's Molly. By the way, she's a Nazi."
Molly : So they're a little eccentric!
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Joel : I have a dream, that someday I want to have my own coffee place, A Cup of Joel, you know, as like in cup of joe, but I would say Joel...
Molly : Right.
Joel : ...because everyone knows cup of joe, cup of Joel because my name's Joel.
Molly : Smart.
Joel : So Joel instead of joe.
Molly : I get it.
Joel : Ahh, I don't know, it's probably just wishful thinking, right, it's kind of stupid.
Molly : No, it's not stupid, it's great, you should do that.
Joel : Tiffany always said that it was a dumb idea.
Molly : I don't know Tiffany, but she sounds like a stupid bitch.
[Both chuckle]
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Joel : Communism could work. It really could. But what they're doing now isn't communism, it's totalitarianism dressed up as communism.
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Bob : Christmastime charades! Tiffany, it's your turn.
Tiffany : My turn.
Bob : It's your turn. On your mark. Get set. Go.
Tiffany : Okay. Uh...
Bob , Joel : [simultaneously] For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf!
Tiffany : Yes!
Joel : Yeah!
Brenda : [reading from slip of paper] It's Chariots of Fire.
Bob : Whoa, whoa, whoa...
Eggbert : Chariots of Fire.
Bob : No, no, hon...
Guest 1 : Yay, Brenda!
Guest 2 : You got it!
Eggbert : She got it!
Bob : Wow! That was great, babe!
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Bubby : Are you okay, bubela?
Joel : Hmm... Oh, yeah. I'm good. I'm just thinking about some stuff.
Bubby : Let me tell you a little story.
Kyle : [cut to restaurant scene] Wait! Who is this person?
Joel : My bubby. The lady I was talking about that likes fiction books?
Karen : Oh, your grandmother.
Joel : Yeah.
Bubby : [cut to Bubby's apartment] Let me tell you a little story. It's about bagels.
Joel : Wait, say no more. I've got it. You were gonna say the bagels are a metaphor for the circle of life.
Bubby : No, I wasn't gonna say that.
Joel : Oh, my God, of course! How could I have not seen it? I let my desire to land the Dickricker account cloud my judgment! I know exactly what to do!
[Joel stands]
Joel : Thank you, Bubby!
Bubby : [Bubby stands and hugs Joel] Oh, Joel, I'm so proud of you!
Joel : [embrace lingers] What are we doin'?
Bubby : I don't know, but it feels so right.
Joel : Oh, God, Bubby, I wanna f*** you so bad.
Bubby : Do it. Do it, Joel. Don't overthink this.
Joel : Oh, no.
[Joel lifts Bubby's skirt revealing youthful legs and breaks the embrace]
Joel : I... I should go.
Bubby : Yeah, I get it.
Joel : Hey, Bubby.
Bubby : Yes, bubela?
Joel : Thanks.
[cut to restaurant where Kyle and Karen are motionless in shock]
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Joel : I'm sorry.
Molly : You're sorry? Thought you were Joel.
Joel : Actually, Joel is my middle name.
Molly : Sorry is your first name?
Joel : Billy is my first name.
Molly : Your name is Billy Joel?
Joel : Hmm... I never really thought about that before, but yeah, I guess it is. I should probably get going. Have a good night.
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Pam : Want to see me naked, Joel? See anything you like? Take me, Joel. Shag me rotten.
Joel : But I'm in love with your daughter, Mrs... Whatever Molly's last name is. Good answer! You did it, Joel. He did it, you guys!
Molly : [Molly and Roger come out from behind the curtains] Yeah. You're the first boyfriend I ever had to pass the test!
Roger : I'm very impressed, Joel. Very impressed.
Joel : Uh, thanks.
Roger : I have watched many, many of Molly's boyfriends bend my wife over that sideboard and flunk the hell out of this test!
Joel : Oh. Can I take the test again?
[all laughing]
Joel : Please? Come on, I wanna fuck your mom.
