Demetri Martin: Standup Comedian (2012 TV Special)

Demetri Martin: Self

Quotes 

• Demetri Martin : When someone describes them self as a 'taxpayer', they're about to be an asshole.

• Demetri Martin : Surprise parties are strange because people jump up and they yell the word 'Surprise'; at the party. I came home and you emerged from my furniture. You don't have to tell me how to feel. I don't need a hint.

• Demetri Martin : When a dalmatian sees a cow it must be like, 'What the hell happened to him?'

• Demetri Martin : I was in the store and I saw prune juice on the shelf. I stopped because I thought, 'Wait a minute... I thought prunes were dried plums? What the hell is this stuff? How hard are we squeezing these prunes? This is plum juice isn't it, prunes? This is plum juice.' Nice try prunes, trying to take plums credit.

• Demetri Martin : I don't usually fly in first class, but I do fart in first class.

• Demetri Martin : It's hard to know what's 'gay' in life. Like Boxing; that's two guys in their underwear fighting over a belt.

• Demetri Martin : The closer a person's tattoos are to their body holes; the crazier that person is.

• Demetri Martin : Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think that the rest of us give a shit?

• Demetri Martin : When I have a baby, I want to put anti-aging cream on it right away.

• Demetri Martin : I can move objects with my mind, if I use my hands.