- [first lines]
- Garrett: Suicide is precarious. There are a lot of different schools of thought on killing yourself... beyond just pro or con, I mean. And believe me, there is a totally pro-suicide contingent out there. They just aren't as vocal as the other guys because, well, for the most part they're dead..
- [the bound and gagged Abigail angrily sputters incoherently to Rick who is also tied to a chair]
- Rick: That is so just like you to say some shit like that.
- Barry: How you bum your leg, boy child?
- Timmy: I was part of a commando unit sent in to squash some insurgent activity on Sycamore Drive. I busted my leg on extraction.
- Barry: Ha! Almost same thing happens to me outside of Hanoi, '72. Now, my leg parts, mostly rebar and duct tape.
- [slaps his leg with a pistol resulting in a metallic clang]
- Barry: It's the man in black pajamas who I'm shooting at. You?
- Timmy: Fifth grade girls.
- Barry: Ah, just as dangerous.
- [Garrett has a noose wrapped around his throat]
- Mia: What's with the neckwear there, buddy?
- Garrett: Oh this. Well, I guess you decided to hang yourself in the end out of guilt. It's a classic.
- Mia: I don't think I did decide to do that. I think I'd remember that.
- Garrett: Vegetables do weird things to people's brains. You should stop eating them.
- [Mia refuses to call her landlord to tell him not to come and check on her]
- Garrett: Don't you see how this works? If he comes over here, I have to kill him! Have you seen this chick? Or how 'bout this guy? This is the pizza guy! The pizza guy comes over, I have to kill him. He brings his girlfriend, I have to kill her. A bell rings, I kill someone.
- Garrett: You want this Barry guy dead? Fine. Just let him come over. Anyone else you want dead? Just give 'em a ring. Give 'em a ring and have 'em come on down to Garrett's death emporium. We're having a half-off sale today. Everyone must go.
- [Rick and Abigail are arguing as Mia, bound and gagged, hops out of Garrett's house]
- Abigail: You never even notice what's going on right under your nose!
- Rick: Are you kidding me? I'm like fucking Daredevil! Hyper aware of, you know, my shit at all times.
- Abigail: I'm hyper aware that you're an idiot!
- [Mia tries to remove her gag but is unsuccessful, then trips and falls down]
- Rick: Is that nice? Mm-mmm.
- [Garrett emerges from the house and drags Mia back inside while Rick and Abigail continue to argue]
- [Abigail continues to cry uncontrollably]
- Rick: Are you kidding me? Like you've never been taken hostage and held at gunpoint before.
- Barry: What are you doing to them?
- Garrett: Whatever I ike.
- Barry: Oh-ho. Barry will kill you from the throat and then I will brunch on you and your testicles with mint jelly.
- Garrett: What does that even mean?
- Barry: I will tear your tendons from their parts.
- Garrett: Just shut up. I could shoot you right now.
- Barry: Oh, if you shoot me, then the neighbors will call the police and then the police will come and make much holes in your body.
- [Rick tries to devise a plan for Garrett to escape without needing to kill his hostages]
- Rick: How about you hook us each up with a gallon or two of water and maybe some straws and then hop on a plane and bomb away to a non-extradition country. Then when you land, you can call the cops and tell them where we are. Seems pretty solid, brother.
- Garrett: Name for me please some non-extradition countires.
- Rick: I'm not sure, but I feel pretty good about Venezuela or Vancouver, definitely a V country. Maybe the Vatican?
- Garrett: How is it that you don't know Vancouver is not a country?
- Rick: They didn't actually teach geography at my school and I'm a little sensitive about it, to be honest.
- [Randy hears screams every time he shoots his nail gun into a bookcase]
- Randy: I didn't know Ikea made people.
- [to Abigail who is hiding in the attic]
- Garrett: You know, you kinda have to appreciate the irony in all this. You came here to make sure I didn't die and here I am making sure that you do.
- [Garrett points a gun at Barry's head]
- Barry: I hope my sticky brains splatter all over you, and you cannot remove my brains from your hairs, and the flies make a home in your head, and that worms make a home in your corpse and eat you from the inside.
- [referring to her metal sculpture]
- Mia: His name is Othore the Terrible, and he's been to hell and back to reclaim his lady rabbit.
- Ben: [to Mia] You're a delicious refreshing beverage like a Sprite or an Arnold Palmer that I think about at nightimes.