Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Son of the Mask (2013)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Minions

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [sobbing at the end]  I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it... BECAUSE IT'LL NEVER GO AWAY!

• Nostalgia Critic : We all remember the mid-90s comedy, "The Mask". One of the first films to work in the growing popularity of computer effects with a more cartoony nature as opposed to threatening. It was a decent flick, with the Mask character for the kids and Jim Carrey's straight man routine for the adults. And on top of that, it made a lot of money. So much so that a sequel had been in the works for eons. It was mentioned in interviews...

  [briefly shows an interview with Jim Carrey by Barbara Walters about the planned sequel] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... online forums, there was even a Nintendo Power contest for it. Yeah, didn't that turn out to be a great prize! Wait years later for a contest you forgot you entered to get dragged to a set that has no Jim Carrey, no Cameron Diaz. Even the dog I think was freaking dead by this point! But, hey, at least we have Randy from "Scream"!

  [holds up some money in his hand] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Here's your refund.

• Nostalgia Critic : The effects when the dog is trying to get rid of the baby and the baby so "cleverly" outwits him is some of the worst animation you'll ever see. I mean, worse than "Baby Geniuses". I know I can't take that back, but I'm standing by my words: it looks worse than "Baby Geniuses"!

• Nostalgia Critic : So Jamie works at an animation studio which happens to be hosting a Halloween party. Seeing how his costume got ruined, he grabs the Mask his dog found, and I'll give you one sanity-tormenting guess what happens.

  [in the movie, a leg stretches out from the door before Tim comes in, face all green and hair looking more like wood than real hair] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh my God! It's like they made DNA syrup out of the Jolly Green Giant and Conan O'Brien!

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the movie, Loki has turned into a green bee]  This is an appealing image for kids? It's like the Statue of Liberty sneezed out the Honey Nut Cheerios bee!

• Nostalgia Critic : So the real Mask is in the river just outside of Fringe City - which is so similar to Edge City, you'll be asking yourself, "Why the fuck didn't they just keep it in Edge City?" - and is picked up by the not-dog from the first movie, yet looks so identical to him so that the kids can see the trailer and say, "Oh, look! Even the Jack Russell Terrier wanted more money than they were willing to shell out!" But thankfully, they found other performers who were willing to take less. Like Jamie Kennedy, who I swear has set his acting to "permanent nasally whine". Even when he's talking normal, it sounds like he's whining.

• Nostalgia Critic : What is with the imagery in this movie? It's fucking terrifying! I mean, I forget, is this the sixth or seventh level of Hell? I haven't read Dante in a while, but I know this is in there! He couldn't have forgotten something as horrifying as this!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Jamie Kennedy's character]  He falls into that common category of badly-written characters of the overreacting man-child who never listens, never cares, and yet somehow gets an over-understanding, bland, underwritten hot chick.

• Satan : [talking to Kim Kardashian on the phone, about age-appropriate shows for Evilina, which he thinks has corrupted her]  It'll take something much more potent to get our little girl back to normal.

  Kim Kardashian : Like what?

  Satan : Oh, I created something long ago, a children's film so frightening and so disturbed that no child could watch it without being scarred for life. Bring me... "Son of the Mask"!

  Kim Kardashian : I got rid of it.

  Satan : *WHAT?*

  Kim Kardashian : I thought it'd be too scary for her so I threw it into the human world.

  Satan : Cerberus' nine balls! You threw it into the human world? Mankind is not ready for something so depraved. God help the poor soul who comes across that nightmare of sadism!

  Kim Kardashian : Don't worry, I put it somewhere where nobody would look.

  [in the human world, the Critic comes across a garbage can and takes out a DVD that was in there] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, if it's in a public garbage can, it must be worth reviewing.

  [walks off with it] 

• Nostalgia Critic : So, they work their way into the Charlie Sheen-mobile... Actually, to be fair... that car's fucking awesome.

• Nostalgia Critic : So it'd be one thing if he stuck his STD-ridden dick in just one musical style, but this asshole decides to ruin not two, not three, not four, but FIVE different musical styles! And each one is worse than the last!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the film's unrealistic animation]  The "Monty Python" cartoons look more three-dimensional! And lord knows this could benefit from some British nudity!

• [in H-E-Double Hockey-Stick, Satan's assistant addresses his minions on a big-screen TV] 

  Satan's assistant : Minions of Hell, I give to you the one and only master. The Lord of Darkness, Satan.

  Satan : [appearing on the screen]  My trembling subjects, for a while you've known that I kept the reveal of my daughter a secret. Well, no more. It's time for you to witness the true terror of the Antichrist. The horror of my offspring. The undeniable evil that will destroy what's left of your souls. Behold, pitiful maggots, the fearsome face of darkness: Evilina.

  [Evilina then appears, wearing a tiara and a blue-and-pink dress; she holds a crayon drawing of Applejack and Rarity from "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic"] 

  Evilina : [singing]  My Little Pony! / I used to wonder what friendship could be! / My Little Pony! / Until you all shared its magic with me!

  [the minions looks quite puzzled at this] 

  Satan's assistant : Technical difficulties.

  Evilina : [holding the crayon drawing up to Satan]  Can I put it on the refrigerator? Please, please, please?

  Satan : Be back in a few.

  [the TV shuts off; he turns to Evilina] 

  Satan : My princess of pestilence, what's wrong with you? This isn't the little hellspawn I raised!

  Evilina : Fluttershy loves you!

  [she puts a pink feather boa on Satan's shoulder] 

  Satan : What is this fecal matter you call Fluttershy? And what's all this talk about friendship and love and kindness?

  Evilina : Friendship is magic, daddy!

• Nostalgia Critic : So we start in Edge City, where the first film left off. We enter a museum that literally has the only cast member from the last movie, Ben Stein. And seriously, was it even worth getting him? It's like making "Ghostbusters 3" and the only cast member you bring in is the lamp from scene 22. Though, to be fair, the lamp would give a much more stunning performance than Stein.

• Nostalgia Critic : [in the film, Loki makes Ben Stein's head pop off]  This is one of many "shit-your-pants" disturbing images. Granted, anything dismembering Ben Stein is usually a plus, but I'd rather be able to watch it as opposed to run out of the theater in my urine-soaked khakis.

• [in the movie, Jamie Kennedy's character has a dream about having several babies, all of whom grow vampire fangs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop right there! There's the poster for your movie! That'll get the kids coming in.

  [shows the vampire babies again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [announcer voice]  Come see "Son of the Mask", a FAMILY picture!

• Nostalgia Critic : So while Jamie doesn't want to spend all that time and attention on a kid...

  [sees Otis' clearly-dog-themed room] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... like he CLEARLY fucking does for his dog! Seriously, even Gromit doesn't have as much dog-related shit in his room!... we get our first look at...

  [the camera goes into Otis' mind, revealing an enraged Odin] 

  Nostalgia Critic : WHAT THE HELL?

  [Odin screams Loki's name] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... Rip Yosemite Sam Winkle? Actually, that's Bob Hoskins as Odin. Probably thankful for his retirement whenever he pops this movie in.

• [Santa Christ gets the Son of the Mask DVD out of the fireplace with a pair of tongs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Santa Christ, what are you doing?

  Santa Christ : Hold out your hand, Critic, it's quite cool.

  [the Critic holds out his hands to catch the DVD. Santa Christ drops it into his hands. The Critic screams in pain and hurls the DVD to the floor] 

  Santa Christ : Oh. Maybe not...

• Nostalgia Critic : So just as he's talking about Loki, what a coinkydink! Loki himself appears, played by Alan Cumming, who is ALMOST as silly-looking as the Avengers' Loki, but not quite.

• Nostalgia Critic : I wish this piece of shit had never come to me.

  Santa Christ : So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for us to decide. You were meant to find the DVD, and therefore you were meant to suffer. Meant to go through the sort of incredible psychological pain that no force on Earth could match. That is a very encouraging thought.

  Nostalgia Critic : No! That's not a very encouraging thought! In fact, that's about as far away from an encouraging thought as an encouraging thought can get!

  Santa Christ : Well, that's all I got.

  [holds up a "Gremlins" DVD] 

  Santa Christ : Here, have "Gremlins"!

  [he gives the "Gremlins" DVD to the Critic, then leaves] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Thanks! Thanks a lot. Let me know if you wanna quote more Lord of the Rings anytime.

  [puts the DVD down] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Why was he here?

• Nostalgia Critic : In the charming world of show-no-passage-of-time land, the baby has now grown older, and has even picked up a few tricks from... I don't know, the Mask's wooden DNA? I mean, if this is like I get a woman pregnant while wearing a hat, they're gonna have special hat powers?

• Nostalgia Critic : [to Santa Christ]  You've got a bit of a dark side.