Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Catwoman (2013)

James Jarosz: Group Counselor

Quotes 

• [a meeting of Catwomen Anonymous is in session, with the various actresses who had played Catwoman in the past in attendance] 

  Group Counselor : Okay, I think we've made some progress today. I think that Miss Hathaway, talking about the benefits of winning her Oscar, shows us all how we can move on from not starring in our own Catwoman movie.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Oh, please.

  Group Counselor : Miss Pfeiffer disagrees?

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Yes, Miss Pfeiffer disagrees. They talked about making a Catwoman movie for years, and I was supposed to play the part. But they waited too long and the fanbase died down, resulting in that abomination with Halle Berry.

  Anne Hathaway : Shh, shh, shh. You know we never mention She Who Must Not Be Mentioned.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : But aren't you technically mentioning her?

  Sean Young : It doesn't matter. Pfeiffer's role should have been my role to begin with!

  Group Counselor : Yes, Sean Young. We all remember how you ambushed Tim Burton dressed as Catwoman in order to force him to put you in the role.

  [looks into the camera] 

  Group Counselor : That's not comedic writing. She really did that, folks.

  Sean Young : Doesn't matter! Berry stole the role from all of us and she ruined it!

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Yes, it was the first time that Catwoman had been given the leading role, and she botched it up forever.

  Anne Hathaway : Yes, and she has never paid for her actions.

  Group Counselor : Now, now, ladies, let's stay focused, okay?

• [the Catwomen Anonymous meeting continues, in which the Catwomen blame Halle Berry for ruining Catwoman forever] 

  Group Counselor : Eartha Kitt, I believe last week you were discussing how you felt like a Catman trapped in a Catwoman's body.

  Eartha Kitt : No! I agree with them! We should keep our focus on the pussy bitch who stole all our chances to shine! If it wasn't for her, one of us could be the definitive Catwoman!

  Sean Young : ...Aren't you dead?

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Kitt-kat is right! It's time for retaliation. We can't just sit here all day and listen to this halfwit psychic analysis.

  Group Counselor : Psycho.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : What did you call me?

  Anne Hathaway : The counselor's name-calling? This group is falling apart!

  Sean Young : We need to take action!

  Anne Hathaway : We will get a leading role!

  Eartha Kitt : Purring Rs, unite!

  [the Catwomen raise their claws at the counselor and purr loudly at him] 

  Group Counselor : Now, ladies, ladies! This is getting out of hand. Now the Catwoman movie is so despised that no one would ever write that character in a leading role. Okay? I doubt you could even get the lead in a Catwoman review.

  Eartha Kitt : The what?

  Group Counselor : The Catwoman review. The one coming out this week.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : By who?

  [the group closes in on the counselor as the camera cuts to the Nostalgia Critic title sequence] 

• Michelle Pfeiffer : Catwomen unite!

  [the Catwomen all hiss] 

  Michelle Pfeiffer : We will find this Nostalgia Critic, and force him to have us star in his review.

  Group Counselor : [the Catwomen have tied him to a chair]  You know, ladies, I really don't think this is helpful to that healing process.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Oh, but we have such plans for you.

  Sean Young : Yes. In a few moments, once we conveniently leave...

  [gestures toward a closed door, behind which a growling sound is heard] 

  Sean Young : ... that door will open to reveal a ferocious killer tiger.

  Anne Hathaway : Ripping you limb from limb, leaving only counselor bones.

  Eartha Kitt : Thus concluding our death trap that ties into our villainous identities.

  Michelle Pfeiffer : Come, ladies, we have a Critic to visit!

  [the Catwomen all leave]