Mathew Buck: Film Brain

Quotes 

• Film Brain : [about Joe and Gus's "catchphrases"]  They put them in so often I do wonder if they actually thought people would walk out of the film quoting them. It's a ten plus on the irritating scale. Borderline infuriating.

• Film Brain : [after the hotel explodes]  I'm pretty sure the hotel manager just died, considering he got a gas explosion to the face. And they've endangered the other guests too while they're at it. But I guess they deserved it for being snooty. That'll show those snobs.

• Film Brain : You know, it's scenes like this where Joe Pesci repeatedly punches and kicks a clearly fake prop alligator in a scene that even kids will likely find stupid that make we wish they could revoke Oscars. Well that and the entirety of Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career.

• Kirk : If you see them, you tell them that I love them very much and that I want to see them again, and that they are very nice, very attractive boys.

  Film Brain : Seriously? A creepy gay joke in a family comedy? Where the hell did that come from? I'm starting to understand why Maury Chaykin is one of the many character actors who decided to go uncredited.

• Film Brain : Between this and The Marine, if your film is set in a backwater swamp, you must make a reference to Deliverance. I hear that child audiences and their parents really appreciate references to Ned Beatty's sodomy.

• Film Brain : And it's also fitting that the last shot of the movie is them mooning the audience.

• Film Brain : So on their travels they met a dark, vaguely sinister British dude who's wearing a suit despite the scorching Florida weather, given '90s film trends I think this might be the baddie. Of course these two twits obviously can't deduce subtle nuances like lazy writing cliches and take this friendly stranger at his word, not notcing he's taken a distinct fancy to their car keys, which they're all too happy to show him, let him hold them and then promptly forget to ask for them back.

• Film Brain : With the opening credits rolling, they start on their road trip across the country to Florida. Well at least the movie is setting the right stage for the stupidity to follow. These two should fit right in.

• Film Brain : And it's here that we discover they've named their boat "Jogus." I don't know if they're trying to be bromantic with these two, it's just sort of hanging there. A sort of "half-joke" if you will.

• Film Brain : And no, I'm not going to do a 'women drivers' joke, even if the opportunity is staring me in the face, thank you.

• Film Brain : It turns out Dekker is having a pee and... bloody hell! I think Joe's gonna whale on him with a crowbar Casino-style. Remember what movie you're in, Joe. It's rated PG!

• Joe : [Gus finds a knife with blood on it]  Hey, we'll use it to scale our fish.

  Gus : Yeah, that's a good idea. We can use it to scale our fish.

  Film Brain : Seriously? You find a bloody knife that clearly belongs to the guy who stole your car that might have been used in a serious crime, and all they can think about is using it to gut fish? Yeah, I know that's the joke, but it's a bad one.

• Joe : The knife! With the blood on it.

  Gus : Yeah, with the blood on it.

  Joe : He used it to stab that poor old lady.

  Gus : Yeah!

  Film Brain : It only took you a TV news report for you to figure out that blatant bit of evidence? And considering this was at one point a Disney flick, the fact that the bad guy is a murderer seems quite dark and ill-judged for what was mostly an innocent and light-hearted comedy.

• Film Brain : But of course we can't actually allow them to do any fishing, so it goes straight into wacky antics as Gus accidentally breaks the accelerator, sending them hurdling on a run away boat.

• Film Brain : Yep, they bought an overpriced piece of crap that keeps breaking. Bet you didn't see that coming from the next town over.

• Film Brain : At this point, a movie where two blokes simply fish for 90 minutes would be more enjoyable.

• Joe : That's it? Kirk, I'm not exactly a little kid, y'know, I can drink a full glass.

  Film Brain : No, you are like children, I don't think you can handle a full glass. And we've already seen you sober, I'd hate to think what you're like intoxicated.

• Film Brain : So let's take this fish and give it a good gutting and de-boning for a delicious beatdown. And even by my standards that was incredibly forced.

• Film Brain : I do have to wonder how they came up with fishing as a subject matter. I can't think of anything more mind-numbingly boring to children than sitting in a boat for ages, waiting for something to bite the end of your hook. Kids like activity and excitement. Last I checked, A River Runs Through It was not on every lunchbox in primary school.

• Film Brain : The only notable thing that happens is that there's an appearance from Joe Pesci's ex wife, Claudia Haro, as a hot babe... who is now in prison for attempted murder. Well that certainly adds a whole new dimension to the "look but don't touch" gag running through the scene.

• Film Brain : They might as well have thrown the script overboard while they were at it, because at least then nothing of value would have been lost.

• Film Brain : It's reassuring to know that in spite of the massive property damage, at least they won't be wanted for manslaughter by the invisible Florida police.

• Film Brain : [Joe is struck by lightning]  Even God Himself seems annoyed at this feeble comedy and has see fit to kill Joe Pesci to end things prematurely. Look at his smoking corpse... oh crap, he's still alive.