Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

The Purge (2014)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Walter White

Photos 

Quotes 

• The Brain : Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

  Pinky : I think so, Brain. But how can you have a Duck Dynasty if none of the people are ducks?

  The Brain : Goddamn it, Pinky! Can't you get at least one fucking thing right?

  [Peppy music starts to play them out] 

  The Brain : No, no, cut the music! Cut the music!

  Pinky : But I...

  The Brain : I've put up with this bullshit for too long!

  Pinky : Bullshit?

  The Brain : You are the syphilis to everything I've worked so hard for, you miserable, poisonous sack of disease!

  Pinky : But Brain...

  The Brain : Shove it, bitch! I could have had the world years ago if you didn't keep fucking it up!

  Pinky : Oh dear, I...

  The Brain : Do me a favor and just... just die! Just die for the sake of all humanity!

  Pinky : [sobbing]  Oh Brain! I can't believe it!

  The Brain : Oh, that's right! Cry! Oh, that's all your good for isn't it, you little shit!

  Pinky : Why?

  [It has to be noted that the impressions of the two mice are surprisingly accurate. Turns out, a cut away from the scene reveals Pinky and the Brain's ACTUAL voice actors, Rob Paulsen and Maurice LaMarche respectively, acting out the scene in their hotel room, with the Critic in the background urging them on] 

  Maurie LaMarche : Wait a second. Hold up, Rob.

  Rob Paulsen : What?

  Maurie LaMarche : Are you sure this is for a kids show?

  Nostalgia Critic : Just say it. People have been wanting to hear it for years.

  Rob Paulsen : Oh really? Okay.

  Maurie LaMarche : Alright.

  The Brain : You are pestilence! That's right you are the pestilence of life! I don't usually believe in homicide, but if I could go back to the moment of your conception.

  Pinky : WHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

• Malcolm : You have to do a crossover.

  Nostalgia Critic : I can't! It'd be too redundant!

  Malcolm : You'd risk your own life for that?

  Nostalgia Critic : Trust me, I have an issue about being redundant.

  Casper : Timing!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Polite Leader. Nostalgia Critic mistakenly calls him Henry]  Can we just give this guy his own reality show? Like "Survive a Conversation without Squirting Milk Through your Nose"? Or no! A Saturday morning show! A Saturday morning show where Henry reads to children! Please God, somebody make that happen!

  Announcer : Coming to ABC Family, "Reading With Henry".

  Polite Leader : Hello, children. Let's look at "Baby's First Mythos."

  [He opens a small picture book] 

  Polite Leader : C is for Cthulhu who sits in his palace in R'yleh. One sight of whom would leave most of us.

  [He starts laughing silently] 

  Polite Leader : Gibbering... Drooling... and Screaming! Just let us Puuuuurge!

  Announcer : Coming this fall to ABC Family!

• Film Brain : Mr. Critic, I just want to splurge as I am so entitled! Oh please, let me splurge!

  Nostalgia Critic : Film Brain, I'm sorry, I can't do two in a row. Maybe another review in the future?

  Film Brain : Oh, I understand, of course. But the ten tons of dynamite I laid around your office... does not!

  Tamara : I thought this place smelled dynamitey!

  Nostalgia Critic : Film Brain! What the hell?

  Film Brain : That's right! I'm bonkers now! And if you don't do a crossover with me, I'm gonna detonate your asses sky high with my mobile phone!

• Nostalgia Critic : [Tamara and Malcolm are hunkered behind a desk holding assualt rifles and wearing giant mouse ears]  Usually, I'd have to take something to see shit like this. What the hell are you guys doing?

  Tamara : Preparing for the new law they're about to pass.

  Nostalgia Critic : What law?

  Malcolm : The law that will abolish crime!

  Nostalgia Critic : What law?

  Tamara : That will spread chaos in its wake!

  Nostalgia Critic : What law?

  Malcolm : It will ethically destroy what humanity stands for!

  Nostalgia Critic : What law?

  Tamara : The law that will split up Pinky and the Brain.

• Tamara : At least Pinky and the Brain are still together!

  Nostalgia Critic : Pinky and the Brain are not splitting up!

  Film Brain : Pinky and the Brain are splitting up?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah! Yeah! Pretty devastating news, huh?

  Film Brain : Oh my god, I love Pinky and the Brain!

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes. Yes. We're all traumatized by it. So much so that I bet you just want to go home, lie in bed, and gorge on Turkish Delight. Don't you?

  Film Brain : Yeah. I think I'll do that. Why is it that celebrity couples NEVER stay together?

• Nostalgia Critic : That's not a law.

  Tamara : Could be.

  Nostalgia Critic : No it can't.

  Malcolm : It makes so much sense!

  Nostalgia Critic : It clearly doesn't.

  Tamara : It seems like the road America is going down.

  Nostalgia Critic : It's amazing how much it's not.

  Malcolm : And how would you know, Mr. Expert?

  Nostalgia Critic : Because it has nothing to do with crime! Crime is about breaking the law for your own personal gain, and this amazingly has nothing to do with that!

  Tamara : It doesn't matter. We've set up security perimeters all around the studio just in case it causes world wind panic.

  Nostalgia Critic : I suspect it would cause worldwide indifference.

• Tamara : Uh, Critic? Film Brain says he's done scarily frolicking.

  Film Brain : Time's up, Mr. Critic. Where's my review?

  Nostalgia Critic : Well I, uh... kinda just finished it up, Film Brain.

  Film Brain : What? You failed!

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, no, no, no! I just wanted you to finish it out with the closing thoughts.

  Film Brain : Really? What would you have me say?

  Nostalgia Critic : Well... The point of this movie is to prove one thing, that the Purge is bad. Well, since we already know that and not in a million years we would let something like this happen, it's a pretty fucking pointless message. Maybe if it was a dark comedy, an exploitation film, or balls-to-the-wall satire, but it explains nothing about how this idea could work except that... it works! Most of it is just showing people sneaking around the house like it's trying to be a gritty real life situation. But since we know the situation is bullshit, there's no way to identify with it. The only bit of fun is that Henry character. He at least does something totally bat-shit crazy and memorable. But for everything else, it's just a pretentious, wannabe protest film that has nothing to protest. It's like that kid who wants attention in your writing class, so he writes what he thinks is groundbreaking commentary when really its just someone complaining about how there's nothing to complain about. It's a stupid, ridiculous mess.

  Film Brain : Well, yeah! I can say that and... Wait a minute, you already said that!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, yeah. Oops.