Death Battle (TV Series)

Batman VS Spider-Man (2012)

Ben B. Singer: Wizard - Host

Quotes 

• Wizard : The Dark Knight is a master of the shadows, using intimidation as a weapon, he patrols the streets of Gotham.

  Boomstick : You know you're doin' something right when people are terrified at JUST your shadow.

  Wizard : After his parents were murdered by the common thug, Bruce Wayne dedicated his life to fighting criminal underworld. He achieved 12 master degrees, studied 127 martial arts, and perfected escape artistry. Given enough time, he can escaped any conceivable trap.

  Boomstick : Batman pushed himself to the limits of the human body: He can bench press 1,000 pounds and has great aim and reflexes.

  Wizard : The Batsuit was designed to be the ultimate flexible, combat armor.

  Boomstick : While the pointy ears are a bit much for me, the armor can stop knives and gunfire.

  Wizard : His memory cloth cape can be used as a glider and the entire suit is lined with a 200,000 volt electro network.

  Boomstick : I guess when you're a billionaire, you can afford to turn yourself in a freakin' human taser.

  Wizard : The gadgets from Wayne's never ending funds don't stop there! His utility belt carries DOZENS of different tools that can practically get him out of any situation.

  Boomstick : That belt has pretty much EVERYTHING. Grappling hooks, explosives, beer. Maybe not that last one, but mine would.

  Wizard : Notable gadgets include a gasmask, tear gas, smoke pellets, a Kryptonite ring, remote detonated plastic explosives, and his trademark grapple gun. He also carries a large supply of collapsible shurikens:

  Boomstick : The batarangs! And if throwing razor sharp objects at people isn't enough, he's got several types! Like, the electric shock, knock out dart, and grenade.

  Wizard : Despite having the build of an Olympic athlete, the caped crusader's greatest feat are attributed to his detective skills. He can anticipate attacks through muscle movement and can memorize the smallest detail, even the shape a cheek he's punched. And while Batman is only human, his achievement stand among gods.

  Boomstick : He's a founding member of the team of superheroes known as the Justice League. And he's even fought Superman!

  Wizard : But while Wayne has no exploitable weaknesses, he is not perfect. His mental stability has often been called into question.

  Boomstick : Well, let's see. His parents were killed in front of him as a child, he uses his money to beat the shit out of people dressed as a giant bat, and keeps employing 12 year old sidekicks. Yeah, he's clearly not all there.

  Wizard : But he IS a survivor. He endured being broken in half, fighting the other members of the Justice League, complete disintegration, and being stranded in the past as a living time bomb of galactic destruction.

  Boomstick : Wait, WHAT?

  Wizard : Yet he somehow pulled through every time.

  Boomstick : Why? 'Cause he's the goddamn BATMAN!

• Wizard : The friendly neighborhood Spider-Man protects the streets of New York City.

  Boomstick : Once Peter Parker was a wimpy nerd with no friends. Then he was bit by a radioactive spider that gave him weird bug powers, and now he's a radioactive superhero... with no friends. But after some practice and superheroing, he finally got himself laid.

  [pictures of Peter's numerous girlfriends appear] 

  Boomstick : A lot, actually.

  Wizard : A clever photographer and science major, Spider-Man is not only incredibly powerful, but also a genius in strategy and science. Using these skills, he created two wrist-mounted webshooters which let him swing around the city.

  Boomstick : You know, if he was SO smart, wouldn't he make the webs shoot out of his butt like a real spider?

  Wizard : NO, NO. First of all, it doesn't come out of their butt, it comes out of their...

  Boomstick : [singing]  Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Craps some webs like a spider can!

  Wizard : Each web shooter cartridge can hold a large amount of pressurized web fluid...

  Boomstick : AND SO CAN HIS GIRLFRIENDS! Ha ha! I'll be here all week.

  Wizard : And features a rotating carousel to replace the empty ones.

  Boomstick : His spider powers give him superhuman strength, speed, agility and durability. He can run up to 200 MPH, lift over 10 tons, and take a freakin' grenade to the FACE!

  Wizard : He can also knock out a dinosaur out cold with a single punch.

  Boomstick : Ha ha, suck it, Denver!

  Wizard : Also, by altering his body's electron attractions, Spider-Man can crawl along any surface. But his most advantageous power is the Spider-Sense.

  Boomstick : It acts kinda like a warning signal, like caller ID when your ex-wife's calling for alimony.

  Wizard : Actually, the Spider-Sense is much more than a simple alarm. It gives Peter omnipresent detection to his surroundings. This is why he swings around New York without looking where he shoots his webs. And unlike his human senses, it is not affected by gases or toxins unless specifically tailored to the Spider-Sense itself. However, it's up to Spider-Man to recognize and react to his warning, so it can be tricked if he doesn't think he's in danger.

  Boomstick : Still, combined with his speed, Spider-Man is almost untouchable. He can even dodge automatic fire.

  Wizard : His unique martial art, the Way of the Spider, utilizes the Spider-Sense to its fullest. Spider-Man can go toe-to-toe with the most advanced masters of combat, even while blindfolded.

  Boomstick : No wonder other superheroes don't like this guy. I mean, the freaking Spider-Sense does everything for him!

  Wizard : Speaking of which, somehow, Spider-Man once tried to join the Justice League, but was rejected by Batman.

  Boomstick : Ouch. I bet he wishes he can fight old Bats in a battle to the death - OH-HO, WAIT!

  Wizard : For all of his amazing powers, Spider-Man is not invincible. His bright and colorful costume makes stealth difficult, his durability has limits, and the oddly specific ethyl chloride pesticide is his Kryptonite. Also, any enemy with his speed comparable to his can outmatch his Spider-Sense.

  Boomstick : Still, if those are only his limitations, how come he sometimes gets shot by a stray bullet?

  Wizard : Lazy, lazy writing.