- Fozzie Bear: So, before we start the show, how about a tip or two for the out-of-towners about our driving regulations, huh? Here in Los Angeles, a yellow light means update your Facebook status! Ah!
- Statler: I just updated *my* Facebook status: bored!
- [he and Waldorf laugh]
- Fozzie Bear: Hey! This is where *I* make the jokes!
- Waldorf: We're ready when you are!
- [he and Statler both laugh]
- Janice: Hey, Kermit?
- Kermit the Frog: Yeah?
- Janice: Uh, there's a lecture on astral projection next Friday.
- Kermit the Frog: Oh, oh, so you want the day off?
- Janice: No, I'll be here. I just wanted you to know that I'll be there, too.
- Miss Piggy: Kermit, I need to talk with you.
- Kermit the Frog: [assuming about Statler's accident] Well, don't worry, Piggy. I don't think he's gonna sue as long as we find his teeth.
- Pepe the King Prawn: Got 'em!
- [at Statler's seat, Pepe sits up with Statler's teeth over his face, giving him an exaggerated smile]
- Pepe the King Prawn: Look at me. I'm Bradley Coopers.
- Kermit the Frog: I guess we found them.
- Kermit the Frog: Wait a minute. You want me to force the crew to ask you out just so you can say no?
- Miss Piggy: Yeah.
- Kermit the Frog: Piggy, be rational.
- Miss Piggy: [chortles] Oh, Kermit, that doesn't sound like me at all.
- Kermit the Frog: [after an unfortunate incident with Fozzie, Statler, and a t-shirt cannon] Hey, Fozzie, are you gonna be okay to get back out there?
- Fozzie Bear: Hmm? Me? Sure. I'm a pro.
- Kermit the Frog: Okay.
- Fozzie Bear: I know the perfect way to win back the crowd. I'll bust out the old candy slingshot and some jawbreakers. Yeah!
- Kermit the Frog: No, no. No, no, no, no. Fozzie, just get out there and tell your jokes. Yeah.
- Fozzie Bear: All right.
- [Kermit turns to leave]
- Fozzie Bear: What about gumballs?
- Kermit the Frog: Jokes!
- Fozzie Bear: [shooting t-shirts into the audience with a t-shirt cannon] You know the best thing about this gun is it's handy if you're ever being robbed by a topless guy.
- Kermit the Frog: [Arrives at work the day after, desperately yelling to find anybody] What is happening?
- Yolanda the Rat: [Sleeping at her desk with a huge hangover] Cheese Louis! Kermit, huh? Stop yelling! I'm hearing double!
- Fozzie Bear: [having been conned by Statler] Every forest ranger will tell you the same thing. Most bear attacks do not happen because of hunger. They happen because *some bear*... got his feelings hurt!