Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Conquest of the Commercials (2015)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Creepy Father, Bully, Frosted Mini-Wheats Adult

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [a female sous chef is working in a kitchen during a PSA from "Prevent-It.ca"]  Here's a little PSA from... Canada? Nuh-uh! Nope! I've learned my lesson! Canada is fucked up! They may all look cute and innocent, but then they're sneaking in rape whistles, and putting dicks in your mouth, and God knows what else! Well, I'm not falling for it this time!

  Female sous chef : I'm a sous chef here. With any luck, I should be head chef by next year.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, well, that... sounds kinda nice.

  Female sous chef : [has a ring on her finger]  I've got an amazing fiancee.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, well, that sounds sweet. A nice couple finally found love.

  Female sous chef : But I won't be marrying this weekend.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh? What, did you have to change the date or something? God, that's always so hard when that happens...

  Female sous chef : Because I'm about to be in a terrible accident.

  Nostalgia Critic : [suddenly looks concerned]  Eh?

  Female sous chef : [picking up a boiling pot]  But really, I should've cleaned up the grease over there, and they should never put the deep fryer so close...

  [suddenly, she slips on some grease on the floor, causing her to fall to the ground and the water in the boiling pot to fall on her face, painfully scarring her face. The woman screams in pain as another chef comes in to try and help her, while the Critic is totally freaked out by what he just saw] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OHH! OHH, GOD! OHH, GOD!

  [he becomes quite furious] 

  Nostalgia Critic : CANADA, YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU? SHE WAS GONNA BE MARRIED, AND THEN YOU FUCKED UP WITH HER FACE! YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA!

  [the PSA's message is displayed: "There really are no accidents"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no, no, no, no! I don't care what you're advertising, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE SICK, CANADA! I AM NEVER VISITING YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE SCARY! YOU'RE A SCARY PLACE, CANADA! PUT IT ON YOUR FLAG!

  [the Canadian flag is shown, along with the message: "We're scary"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : YOU'RE SCARY! WE'RE KEEPING MICHAEL J. FOX, YOU KEEP WHATEVER THE HELL WE GAVE YOU!... Which is probably nothing... 'CAUSE YOU'RE SICK!

  [the accident is shown one more time, freaking out the Critic even further; he quickly changes the channel] 

• [one McDonald's commercial's slogan is "Food, Folks and Fun", but the Critic misinterprets it as "Food, Fucks and Fun", which makes him increasingly uncomfortable every time he hears it] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Did they just add orgies to the dollar menu?

  [slogan repeats] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Is the secret sauce lubricant now?

  [slogan repeats] 

  Nostalgia Critic : STOP SAYING THAT!

  [slogan repeats] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm very uncomfortable right now!

  [slogan repeats] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You were that clown in "Eyes Wide Shut", weren't you?

  [slogan repeats] 

  Nostalgia Critic : IS NOBODY HEARING THIS?

  [slogan repeats] 

  Nostalgia Critic : DON'T TOUCH THOSE KIDS!

  [slogan repeats] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This might have been how they did McDonald's at Caligula's home, but not on Saturday mornings!

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Tiger Talkboy]  Ah, the only good thing to come out of "Home Alone 2", aside from an even gayer Tim Curry.

• Nostalgia Critic : Let's travel all the way to Japan for one of the greatest ads of all time! It's for the Sega Saturn. And to emphasize how intense it was, they created Segata Sanshiro! The most aggressive spokesperson EVER! It didn't matter what you were doing. If you're off to play baseball, he beat the shit out of you, and say "Play Saturn!" instead! Going out dancing tonight? Fuck that noise, you're playing Saturn now!

  [Segata appears in an ad, dressed as Santa] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey look, it's Santa! Oh, shit, it's Segata! Better start playing Sega, goddammit!

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: TV spot for "A Troll In Central Park"]  Oh, god. You ever look at an ad for a movie and say, "Shit. I'm gonna have to look at this for a few months"?

  Announcer : Now, Don Bluth, the director of "An American Tail"...

  Nostalgia Critic : The director who gave us some of the greatest animated movies of all time says, "You know what? Maybe Barney was on to something."

  Announcer : "A Troll In Central Park". Now, you, too, can enjoy the wonder and enchantment of a friendship that grows and blossoms.

  Nostalgia Critic : [frustrated as he sees clips of Stanley the troll]  God. I'm just waiting for Dirk the Daring to slice his head off, or the T-Rex from "Land Before Time" to devour him, or the owl from "Secret of NIMH" to peck his little face out!

  [a caption of what he says next covers the screen:] 

  Nostalgia Critic : DON BLUTH UP THIS DON BLUTH FILM!

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Super NES Super Scope]  Ah, yes, the Super Scope! The R.O.B. the Robot of the Super Nintendo. Okay, so you're a Nintendo kid, and you have a ton of fun blasting things with your blaster. What do you want that's even more advanced than that? Well gee, how about a shotgun or a machine gun or... a bazooka? Okay, in hindsight, it does sound kind of cool. I mean, bazookas make big explosions, and we're all sick fucks, so we'd like that. But with those other guns, you could be mobile. You can move around, you can pretend to be an action hero. Who pretends to have a bazooka? What little kids is like...

  [talking like one kid] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "Hey, you want to go play cops and robbers?"

  [talking like another kid] 

  Nostalgia Critic : "Nah, I'd much rather play gigantic piece of plastic on my arm, making it immediately sore, and sitting still, looking through a little eyepiece." "I'm going to hear about you on the news, aren't I?" "Yes, you are."

• Nostalgia Critic : [a boy is playing Dragon's Lair in a dark, foggy room at Showbiz Pizza]  Hey, kids! Remember when Chuck E. Cheese made Showbiz Pizza disappear? Under... mysterious circumstances...? Well, this is how they used to advertise on TV.

  Announcer : The most advanced video game you can play is awaiting your discovery at Showbiz Pizza Place.

  Nostalgia Critic : Actually, maybe the reason they ran out of business is because they put fog machines on top of their games for some reason.

  [briefly doused with fog, causing him to cough] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Come on! I can't see the Princess' cleavage!

  [coughs some more] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It also doesn't help that each game was given one giant dark room to itself. About as cost-effective as Willy Wonka shrinking his giant chocolate bars. But who gives a shit? He's playing Dragon's Lair, the most gorgeous robbery of your money ever. We lost so many quarters to this thing 'cause we had to keep reminding ourselves we weren't watching a movie.

  [dreamily] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, I hope Dirk's reunited with his Russian mouse family...

  [suddenly, in the game Dirk gets attacked, startling the Critic, who resumes playing the game] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, dammit! I'm playing a game!

• [first lines] 

  Nostalgia Critic : If you're like me, you're excited that we get to review commercials again! Oh, the nostalgia. Oh, the memories. Oh, the mass marketing manipulation. You can't wait for 'em; neither can I! Seeing how we called the other episodes, "After These Messages", "We'll Be Right Back", "Exclamation Point", "The Fourth One", and "The Quickening", this one I'm entitling... "Ehenzeeahneh". Let's just get to it! COMMERCIALS!

• Nostalgia Critic : McDonald's is one of the kings of children's marketing, using a clown who's a surprisingly slower killer than Pennywise.

• [the title sequence of the show begins, but the Critic cuts in] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know the opener. Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, you know the rest.

• Linda Parker : Ayds help me lose the weight and has nothing in it that could make me nervous.

  Nostalgia Critic : I think a lot of people would disagree with you on that.

• Nostalgia Critic : [criticizing Don Bluth's film "A Troll In Central Park"]  I know what you're thinking, "Aren't I being a little too hard on an animation legend?" Well, if he has a problem with it, he can tell me himself!

  [the TV channel then changes to show Don Bluth himself, staring silently at the Critic, who is surprised beyond belief] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Don Bluth?

  [Bluth remains silent while the Critic becomes overjoyed] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, my God! I AM THE BIGGEST FAN EVER! Oh my God! Don Bluth's looking at me right now! "Secret of NIMH" is one of my favorite all-time movies! Holy shit! "American Tail", where he's just like, "I'll never find my parents!" Mother right there! Look to the fucking left! "Land Before Time", oh my God! Before George Lucas was a swear word, that was, like, the most unbelievable thing! You're like, "I want a kick-ass movie about dinosaurs!" YOU ARE AMAZING! And what are you doing right now?

  Don Bluth : Just waiting. I want to see what you're gonna do.

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  [Bluth resumes being silent and looking at the Critic] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, I see. Because I made fun of some of your work in the past, you're giving me the silent treatment, huh? Okay, all right. I'm not gonna be intimidated by a film giant like you. You gonna give me the silent treatment? I'm gonna give you the exact same thing back.

  [the Critic and Bluth stare silently at each other briefly, but then the Critic becomes nervous] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Knock, knock.

  [Bluth remains silent] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, come on, it's the law. You have to say "Who's there?"

  [Bluth remains silent] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Knock, knock. Who's there? Yugo. Yugo who? Yugo BYE-BYE!

  [changes the channel]