- Caroline Channing: Max, I've never been this close to your butt before and it's spectacular. What's your secret?
- Max Black: I'm 27.
- Caroline Channing: I just found two fives in the couch, which brights us to - five, ten, carry the one - a new low.
- Max Black: Caroline reads everything. She read the entire iTunes user agreement before she bought Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money."
- Caroline Channing: Wish I'd read the fine print when I agreed to be your roommate. Turns out, bitch do have my money
- Randy: Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big; Michael J. Fox's is small; the Pope has one but doesn't use it; Madonna doesn't have one at all.
- Oleg: Dongs. The answer is dongs.
- Sophie Kachinsky: C'mon, Oleg, I mean, nobody can say for sure that Madonna doesn't have one.
- Max Black: Dongs aren't the answer to everything. I used to think that. You know where that got me? Pennsylvania, with no car.
- Caroline Channing: Schwarzenegger's is big, Schwarzenegger's is big; Fox's is small. It's last names. The pope doesn't use his. Madonna doesn't have one at all. That's it.
- Randy: Correctamundo!
- [laughs]
- Randy: With your brain power, you'll be out of here in under an hour.
- Caroline Channing: Well, thanks. But if I was that smart, I wouldn't have spent the last four years getting ripped off by my roommate.
- Oleg: I need all the energy I can get. Sophie and I are doing it round the clock. She wants a baby so bad, she even got an ovulation app on her phone.
- Caroline Channing: Sophie's phone has a fertility app? My phone's so old,it can't get pregnant.
- Oleg: Tells us when she's most fertile. Actually, a little cartoon monkey tells us.
- Max Black: What's his name? Overly-curious George?
- Sophie Kachinsky: Okay, Oleg. Drop your pants. The monkey wants his banana.
- Max Black: Caroline, if I have to see Oleg so much as honk one of her boobs, I'm gonna lose it.
- Caroline Channing: [in Irish accent] I would help you and be your heaven-sent, but you screwed me on the rent.