- Mr. Frond: I heard children screaming from down the hall. As a counselor I've learned that screams can actually be a cry for help.
- Regular Sized Rudy: I just hope my body is strong enough to fight off lice and asthma at the same time.
- [wheezes]
- Regular Sized Rudy: Nope.
- Tina Belcher: [When Louise tries to leave the nurse's office] You can't leave, Louise. It's just a bitter pill you have to swallow.
- [Louise groans in frustration]
- Tina Belcher: But it's not a real pill 'cause that would be medicine and I can't dispense...
- Louise Belcher: I know, Tina! You're drunk with lack of power.
- Bob Belcher: [trying out the new stools] Oh no. This one farts too!
- Linda Belcher: [sitting on another one] So does this one!
- Linda Belcher: [sits on another] And this one!
- Teddy: [sitting on another one] But not this one! Oh, this one does too.
- Bob Belcher: Oh no, no, no! They all do it!
- Linda Belcher: They look sweet, but they're full of farts. Just like the kids.
- Gene Belcher: If anyone should get a badge for nursing, it should be me. I nursed forever, right mom?
- Linda Belcher: Yeah you did, my little sucklin' ducklin'!
- Nurse Liz: Pretty slow today.
- Tina Belcher: Well, a slow day in the nurse's office is a good day, right?
- Nurse Liz: Wrong. Tina, I didn't become a school nurse because no hospital would hire me. Course not. I mean, that was part of it. But I got into nursing to help seriously sick kids, but kids have to do their part and get seriously sick.
- Tina Belcher: I get it. You want your life to be like "Hurt Locker" but nobody's getting hurt by their locker.
- Nurse Liz: Exactly.
- Tina Belcher: Hi, Tammy. What's wrong?
- Tammy: My nails are gross. Can someone here file them?
- Tina Belcher: Um, that's not really what we do.
- Tammy: Hmm. Oh, um, it will be when you do it.
- Tammy: Why does everything bad happen to me?
- Louise Belcher: It's happening to us, too, Tammy!
- Tammy: Well, not really 'cause you're not blonde.
- Tina Belcher: Neither are you.
- Tammy: You shut up right now! You better shut that down. Shut it up.
- Tina Belcher: [to Nurse Liz] So... I'm picking up some negative feedback about shaving everyone's hair off. Maybe we send kids home, kick this can down the road a little bit?
- Nurse Liz: No! I'm saving heads by shaving heads! I'll be the school nurse that beat super lice and when I go to my nursing school reunion, I won't even need a name tag though I'll probably wear it anyway if they have one for me, 'cause why not? I don't want to be weird about it!
- Tina Belcher: But...
- Nurse Liz: It's happening, Tina! I'm not gonna be the only freak around here with a shaved head.
- Tina Belcher: [after Nurse Liz shaves off her hair and eyebrows] Uh, Nurse Liz, you look like someone who should be lying down under observation.
- Gene Belcher: She also looks a little like Michael Chiklis.
- Louise Belcher: Nurse Liz, please read from this medical encyclopedia. The marked passage how dandruff is often misdiagnosed as lice.
- Regular Sized Rudy: Like how my asthma was misdiagnosed as having a bad attitude.
- Bob Belcher: [Teddy just sat on a new stool cushion, and it made a huge fart noise] Teddy!
- Linda Belcher: Jeez, you really planted your flag on that thing!