Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Battle of the Commercials (2016)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Tuffy the Tiger, Batman

Photos 

Quotes 

• [in one commercial, the Green Goblin confronts Spider-Man] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh-oh, what's the Green Goblin up to now?

  [Spider-Man is seen playing a Spider-Man video game for the Atari] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, no! He's forcing Spider-Man to play his own Atari game!

  [he looks around, bewildered] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Actually, that *is* kind of evil.

• [the Critic looked at a PSA about the Federal Equal Pay Law featuring 1960s Batman: he and 1960s Robin are tied to a bomb about to blow up when 1960s Batgirl has to save them, but is hesitant to do so until she is given equal pay] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay... where do I start with this?

  [he looks over the ad again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Adam West is really phoning it in, isn't he? His life is on the line, yet it sounds like he's teaching a geometry class!

  60's Batman : Quick, Batgirl, untie us before it's too late.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Batman]  And please tell me the property 4x.

  [normal voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Second, Batman's kind of an asshole.

  60's Batgirl : Equal pay for men and women.

  60's Batman : No time for jokes, Batgirl.

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow, what a douche!

  [imitating Batman] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, come on! Your vagina alone docks you, like, 20 percent.

  [normal voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Even Robin's like, "C'mon, you crazy dame! We gave you the vote; what else do you want?" Third, superheroes get paid? When did this start? Are superheroes getting regular wages? Do they have a union? Plus, I don't know what the paychecks are, but the idea of anyone getting paid less than Robin is friggin' hilarious! Fourth, she's just gonna let Batman die? Kids at home must be pissing themselves! She's about to kill their favorite hero AND a young boy! Batgirl's gonna become everyone's most hated character since "The Killing Joke"! Fifth, even with the threat of killing Batman, women still aren't given equal pay! This was made back in the '60s, and it's STILL unequal! We'd rather see one of our favorite superheroes die than give a few more bucks to these weird, titted creatures! Dude, if that's not gonna do anything, I don't know what will. SIXTH, while it is well-intentioned, is this really the best time for Batgirl to bring this up? Couldn't they, like, sit down and discuss a back-and-forth or protest or, I don't know, "call your Congressman", like you just said? I mean, how awkward must things be for Batman and Batgirl after this situation?

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: North American House Hippo Canada PSA]  Here's another PSA from...

  [the caption "Canada" pops up in the ad] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Canada? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

  [dons an Army helmet and aims a machine gun at the screen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I've been fooled by your PSAs before, Canada! You always try to make them look so friendly and nice, but then there's rape whistles and face burnings and putting things in your mouth! Well, I'm ready for you this time, Canada! Do your worst!

  Narrator : It's nighttime in a kitchen just like yours.

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh-huh.

  Narrator : All is quiet.

  [a cat is seen in the house] 

  Narrator : Or is it?

  [a tiny hippo is seen in the house] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Blah-blah-blah. What the shit was that?

  Narrator : The North American house hippo is found throughout Canada and the eastern United States.

  Nostalgia Critic : [confused]  What?

  Narrator : House hippos are very timid creatures and they're rarely seen. But they will defend their territory when provoked. They come out at night to search for food, water, materials for their nests.

  Nostalgia Critic : What? They're-they're-they're-they're-they're... They eat children or something!

  Narrator : The favorite foods of the house hippo are chips, raisins, and the crumbs from peanut butter on toast.

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm not falling for your cuteness, Canada! Where are you going with this?

  Narrator : They build their nests in bedroom closets, using lost mittens, dryer lint, and bits of string.

  Nostalgia Critic : And then they... flamethrower your family? Don't smoke?

  Narrator : House hippos sleep about sixteen hours a day.

  [the ad is seen displayed on a TV set] 

  Female Announcer : That looked really... real. But you knew it couldn't be true, didn't you? That's why it's good to think about what you're watching on TV and ask questions, kind of like you just did. A message from Concerned Children's Advertisers.

  Nostalgia Critic : [surprised and confused at the same time]  Well, that was... nice. Downright adorable. So, let me get this straight, Canada: You start off your dark, disturbing PSAs as cute and innocent, and start off your cute and innocent PSAs as dark and disturbing? What are you, Canada? You're like a riddle inside an enigma inside a "please and thank you". Okay. Cool. The house hippo. Don't believe everything you see. Fair enough. A cute, harmless, even educational PSA. Good for you, Canada. I will not have nightmares tonight.

  [takes off helmet and puts gun away] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay. We good, Canada, we good. Thank you for that enlightening, very pleasant PSA. Well, on to the next one.

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: McDonald's commercial featuring Mac Tonight]  This character was kind of cool. He was called Mac Tonight, also known as Moon Man. His whole purpose was to let you know that McDonald's is open later and, dare we say, a classy place to hang out at night? The answer is no, you may not dare to say that.

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: My Interactive Pooh]  I'm way too childish to talk about a children's commercial, but let's just say this isn't my number-one commercial, but it's definitely my number-two.

• Commercial Announcer : [advertising the Nintendo Game Boy]  Its games are interchangeable. Plus, Game Boy comes with the outrageous new game Tetris.

  Nostalgia Critic : Outrageous Tetris, huh? There's many words to describe Tetris, but "outrageous" isn't usually one of them. So outrageous that only one second of it can be shown. To show the rest of it would blow your mind too much!

• [the Critic is looking at the Starburst Berries-n-Cream commercial featuring Jack Ferver as a Little Lad] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Is this really what we're paying people to give us now? We're denying good writers such wonderful paychecks so that piece-of-shit writers can give us this? This was a gift that only the rare, exceptional talent could give us? And we said, "Yes. Let's make this a hit. Let's reward the asshole who came up with this on his lunch break stoned off his ass when he went in to pitch this commercial!" And they said, "Larry! You're stoned off your ass!" And Larry said, "Yes, I am!" And they said, "Well, eleven million people are stoned off their asses, too, 'cause eleven million people watched it on YouTube! And not only that, they shared it and came back for more!" They said, "I'm not talented enough to come up with something so ingenious."