Zero Punctuation (TV Series)

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (2009)

Yahtzee Croshaw: Yahtzee

Quotes 

• Yahtzee : This game has been selling like hotcakes lodged in copies of an unreleased Harry Potter book set during Hermione's bicurious phase because the much-touted controversial mission has managed to find that magical sweet spot where it's not offensive enough to get banned but enough to get lots of free publicity on national television. So in case you don't already know, and statistically that means you live on one of the moons of Jupiter, an early mission in the game has you join a small group of Russian terrorists gunning down unarmed civilians in Moscow airport, but it's okay because A, you're really an undercover CIA agent and B, you don't actually have to kill anyone; you can hang back and pretend your arthritis is flaring up, and C, they're Russian civilians and who gives a shit about them? As controversy goes, it's pretty fucking weaksauce. GTA IV practically lets you rub innocent civilians' intestines on your face and show photographs of it to their grandchildren. Make all the victims apple-cheeked Cub Scouts doing bobble-jobs to earn money for their grandmama's dialysis machine and then we'll talk about controversy, Modern Warfare 2.

• Yahtzee : The single player campaign is as short as fuck, and let me tell you, when I'm around fucks are legendarily short. It's barely six hours in all, but cutting out all my deaths, the plot points that didn't make the slightest bit of sense, and all the time spent hiding under walls waiting for blood to fall off my face, then it comes down to about fifteen minutes. The combat tends to go for a sort of a noisy frantic warfare thing with bullets and explosions going off all around you while some general is yelling into your headset to pick up some toffees on your way back. And while it's nice to create a thrilling mood in case burglars invade the player's home to capitalise on their inalertness, you often have to be watching every direction like a cat with his tail caught in a fucking ceiling fan or else get shot so hard by various unseen attackers that your eyeballs burst several times. This was particularly upsetting in one mission where I died about seventy million times trying to push through a squad of evil Ruskies, only to finally succeed and then get killed as part of the end mission cutscene! So what was all that effort in aid of? Would it honestly have ended the story right there if I had died about fifteen feet further back like the last seventy million times? What, was I tied to a bungee cord this whole time and at the point of death I was being catapulted to the sky?