DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV Series)

The Virgin Gary (2018)

Matt Ryan: John Constantine

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sara Lance : You were right.

  John Constantine : Ah. What was that, now?

  Sara Lance : You were right! There's a magical creature at Woodstock. Now let's go!

  John Constantine : You know, for someone with a time traveling machine, you seem to be in an awful hurry.

  Sara Lance : John, the unicorn has already gored two hippies.

  John Constantine : [interested]  Ohh... a unicorn?

  Sara Lance : Yeah.

  John Constantine : Well, all right, I'm in. But first, I need to know, was any of your team musked by the beast?

  Sara Lance : If that's what you're calling its sparkle sauce, then, yeah. Why?

  John Constantine : Oh, they're in for... one hell of a ride.

• John Constantine : Look, this is your bloody mess, Sara, so stop playing tiddlywinks with the missus and get ready for the fight that's coming.

  Sara Lance : What if this is who I am now?

  John Constantine : Really?

  [looking around and letting out a sardonic whistle] 

  John Constantine : This is who you are? Fuzzy throws and... fluffy pink slippers?

  Sara Lance : I like my pink fluffy slippers.

• Sara Lance : Okay, reunion's over. Time to go.

  [chanting an incantation, he drops a handful of bones on the counter] 

  Sara Lance : What am I looking at?

  John Constantine : The knuckle bones of a martyred saint, obviously. They act as a divining rod able to detect the presence of beings not belonging to our world.

  Sara Lance : My team spent the last five months scouring the timeline for another one of your mystical creatures. You wanna know what we found? Nothing.

• Ava Sharpe : [surprised to see Constantine]  What the hell are you doing here?

  [Sara surreptitiously hides the bones on the counter] 

  Ava Sharpe : Is everything all right?

  Sara Lance : Yeah, everything is great.

  John Constantine : I just telling Sara...

  Sara Lance : About an exorcism that he has to do tomorrow in Georgetown. It's really nothing you wanna hear before bedtime.

  [ushering him out] 

  Sara Lance : Come back again soon now, John. Don't be shy about that doorbell.

  John Constantine : I'll be seeing you around, Sharpie.

• John Constantine : Somebody can't read bloody signs. You don't know that there's a "do not disturb" sign on the bloody door?

  [opening the door] 

  John Constantine : Sara. Yeah, uh... I can't talk right now, luv. I've got a threesome that's about to pop off in here with some contortionists.

• John Constantine : You know, a unicorn is no bloody joke. You might want to get your ol' girlfriend on the blower.

  [realizing] 

  John Constantine : You didn't tell Director Sharpe that you let all the monsters out to play, did you?

  Sara Lance : Ava and I are in a great place right now. Better than great. In fact, she asked me to move in with her, and I said yes. So why rock the boat unless it's absolutely necessary?

  John Constantine : Because when the boat eventually tips, you'll both bloody drown.

• John Constantine : You and I are similar; we're both survivors. But our survival comes at a terrible cost. Look, you can take it from a man who's caused nothing but misery to everyone he's ever loved. Trust me, end it with Ava before it's too late.

  Sara Lance : You ever think that you cause misery not because of some romantic "I was born to walk alone crap", but because you're an ass who doesn't know how to trust people?

  John Constantine : You know, I trust that people around me get hurt, killed, or far, far worse.

  Sara Lance : You think that I'm not scared? That I don't know grief? I'm not willing to turn my back on life, because that is exactly what you're doing, John. Our friends and family, they don't make us weaker; they make us stronger. You know what you need? You need to be a part of a team.

  John Constantine : [seeing the other Legends tripping out]  You were saying?

• John Constantine : This is King Solomon's original grimoire; the oldest magical textbook in existence. Now, if there is a spell to quell our equine friend, it'll be in here.

  Sara Lance : Well, not to pressure you, but the entire fate of the sexual revolution is in the balance here.

  John Constantine : Ah, it is my favorite revolution.

• Ray Palmer : John! Welcome aboard.

  John Constantine : Hey, Ray big-man! Glad to see you're all back from the land of milk and honey.

  Zari Tomaz : I'm-I'm still a little fuzzy on how exactly we were...

  Mick Rory : Roofied by a horse.

  John Constantine : Well, that beast sprays a powerful mind-altering hallucinogen to disarm its prey.

  [finding what he's looking for] 

  John Constantine : Ah! "How to expel a magical creature from the mortal realm." Now, the ingredients for this spell aren't so easy to come by. Don't suppose any of you lot have the saliva from a nine-fingered man, now do you?

  Ray Palmer : You could chop off one of my pinkies.

• John Constantine : We need the Protection Stone of a powerful shaman.

  Mick Rory : [cut to him bumping into Jimi Hendrix]  Watch it.

  [revealing he lifted Jimi's necklace] 

  Mick Rory : Brother.

  John Constantine : And the lock of a doomed woman.

  The Atom : [cut to him taking a strand of hair from Janis Joplin]  Janis, this is quite an honor.

  Janis Joplin : Little robot man.

  The Atom : Hi. My mom is a huge fan.

  Janis Joplin : [laughing]  Your mom?

  John Constantine : And for our final ingredient...

  [looking at the book] 

  John Constantine : Quis virginem.

  Sara Lance : What?

  John Constantine : A virgin.

  The Atom : A virgin at Woodstock? Ha! Good luck with that; this is the least celibate place in history.

• Gary Green : This feels wrong.

  Ray Palmer : Well, don't worry. We'll be watching from a short distance, and you'll be... fine.

  Gary Green : What am I supposed to do with the pomegranate?

  John Constantine : Oh, the unicorns, they can't get enough of them, mate.

  Zari Tomaz : [sotto, to Ray]  Yeah, that and human hearts.

  Gary Green : So the pomegranate is the bait?

  Sara Lance : Yeah, we wouldn't put an interim member of our team in jeopardy, right, guys?

  Gary Green : I'm an interim Legend?

  [they all shrug and nod half-heartedly] 

  Gary Green : Well, then. Uh, one-one more question. Are you sure that I'm a virgin, 'cause that thing we did...

  John Constantine : Positive, mate.

• Sara Lance : Admit it, this is fun working with a team.

  John Constantine : Well, if ol' Gary gets eaten alive, it only goes to prove my point: people who care about us die.

  Gary Green : What was that?

  John Constantine : Oh, nothing, mate. You're golden. Carry on, yeah?

• Ray Palmer : Where'd the unicorn go?

  John Constantine : Ah... sent that bastard straight to hell, didn't I? Yup, folks, that is some grade "A" magic right there.

  Ray Palmer : Maybe the Bureau will up our ratings. People do love the supernatural.

• Sara Lance : Gary, you're, like, really bleeding.

  Gary Green : [looking at his wound]  Ah! The unicorn bit my nipple off!

  Zari Tomaz : Hey, maybe Gideon can make you a new one.

  John Constantine : Oh, forget it, mate. Come on, it's a badge of honor. You see, my soul is heading straight to hell, but your nipple, it just got there first, that's all.

  Gary Green : It's like we're two birds of the same, dark feather.

  John Constantine : Yeah, yeah, that's right, mate. Come on, let's grab a beer. All right?

  [leading him away] 

  John Constantine : Now, about this whole virgin situation...

• John Constantine : No.

  Sara Lance : I haven't asked you anything yet.

  John Constantine : It's not even magic, luv, it's deduction. You need me to join the Legends, despite knowing that needing me always causes somebody trouble.

• Sara Lance : What is up with you? Something must have happened in the last five months. You're more miserable than ususal.

  John Constantine : Look... you and I are friends. And I like friends. Friends are useful, but roommates... see, Sara, I would rather bloody top myself than move in with you lot.

  Sara Lance : [standing to leave]  See you around, John.

  John Constantine : [finishing his bottle of booze]  Ah. So long, Sara.

• Sara Lance : Hello, John.

  John Constantine : You know, tonight really isn't a night for celebration, Sara. The darkness, it's rising.

  Sara Lance : [taking his cigarette out of his mouth]  What are you doing? And what does that even mean?

  John Constantine : Mallus wasn't the only prisoner to escape when you decided to pull back the veil between our worlds.

  Sara Lance : And yet for the past five months, the timeline has been quiet. If you wanted to come and see me, all you had to do was ask.

  John Constantine : Five months is a blink of an eye for an immortal monster.