Comedy Central Roasts (TV Series)

Comedy Central Roast of Bruce Willis (2018)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: Self - Roastmaster

Quotes 

• Joseph Gordon-Levitt : It's not just action movies that made Bruce a star. He's actually a great dramatic actor, too. Like, I loved "The Sixth Sense".

  [cheers] 

  Joseph Gordon-Levitt : It's a great movie. And it's a really impressive performance. I don't know how you pretended not to be embarrassed while a ten year old kid acted circles around you, but...

  [laughter] 

  Joseph Gordon-Levitt : You did it. And, uh... and the ending, I did not see that twist coming. I mean, I-I shouldn't spoil it, but... I mean, fuck, it's been, like, twenty years. It's so good. So, okay, at the end of "The Sixth Sense", Bruce goes back to making shitty movies.

• Joseph Gordon-Levitt : Bruce Willis. What a career, right? "The Fifth Element", "The Sixth Sense", "The Whole Nine Yards", "Twelve Monkeys". Zero Oscars.

  [laughter] 

  Joseph Gordon-Levitt : Quentin Tarantino, M. Night Shyamalan, Wes Anderson, Michael Bay. These are just some of Bruce's directors who refused to be here tonight.

  [laughter] 

  Joseph Gordon-Levitt : Bruce Willis is what you get if you isolate the white part of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

• Kevin Pollak : [after being introduced by Joseph Gordon-Levitt]  Thank you, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, 'cause that's a fucking name. You know-

  [Audience cheers and laughs] 

  Kevin Pollak : You're doing a great job tonight, Joey.

  Joseph Gordon-Levitt : [laughs and smiles]  Thank you, thank you.

  Kevin Pollak : You are, really.

  [Signals to him for the audience] 

  Kevin Pollak : He's such a pro. It's no wonder you've been working in Hollywood steadily since you were six years old. Of course it helps when your parents aren't choosy about who touches your pee pee.

  [Audience laughs] 

• Joseph Gordon-Levitt : We want you to have a good time tonight, but don't get too comfortable up here, because later, we're gonna be replacing you with Ashton Kutcher.

  [groans] 

  Joseph Gordon-Levitt : Relax! Relax. Bruce gets along with him fine; he was even at Ashton and Demi's wedding. His gift was a toaster and $90 million.