- Martha Kane: Should we drink that? She could've put knock out drops in it or something.
- Alfred Pennyworth: Poison the tea? Never. The Raven society might be a bad lot, but they're not bloody Italians.
- Alfred Pennyworth: Martha, my old Sargeant had five rules for staying alive. Rule number one: Don't be a hero. Rule number 2: Avoid heroes.
- Martha Kane: I'm no hero.
- Alfred Pennyworth: They all say that. Have you ever tried a Scotch egg?
- Martha Kane: No. Think about the money.
- Alfred Pennyworth: Rule number three: Don't think about the money.
- Martha Kane: You're making these rules up.
- Alfred Pennyworth: Good sense is good sense.
- Detective Inspector Aziz: I'm told Her Majesty was quite struck by you. She thought you... dashing.
- Alfred Pennyworth: Really? Tell her that I fancied her too, respectfully enough.
- Alfred Pennyworth: I had a mate called Spanish. He used to say life is either a comedy or a tragedy and you have to choose one or the other. I prefer having a laugh.
- Martha Kane: But so when the shit hits the fan, what should I do?
- Alfred Pennyworth: Switch off the fan, I suppose, or stand behind something shit proof.
- Martha Kane: What's that?
- Alfred Pennyworth: A maypole.
- Martha Kane: What's it for?
- Alfred Pennyworth: I wouldn't like to say, Miss, to a lady.
- Martha Kane: Pretend I'm not a lady.
- Alfred Pennyworth: It's for sex orgies, Miss.
- Martha Kane: You're kidding me!
- Alfred Pennyworth: Very set in their ways, these country people.
- Detective Inspector Aziz: Look around you. How many of these people understand war? How many of them could command men in battle?
- Alfred Pennyworth: Well that dancer there could invade Russia all on her own. Me, I'm not gonna command anybody, in any battle, anywhere.