- Matthew: Lizer refused to give me the lead because I'm gay. And gay is a synonym for talented. Look it up.
- Mr. Lizer: Thank you, everyone. The cast list will be posted after you skip the main titles!
- [main titles play]
- Caleb: This is the audition for Disclosure the Musical. It is based on the 1994 movie Disclosure, which was not a musical, starring Michael Douglas and Demi Moore. Demi Moore is Michael Douglas's boss. She invites him to her office and gives him oral sex, but he decides he doesn't want to have full sex and leaves. Demi Moore is mad and says Michael Douglas has sexually harassed her. The movie is confusing.
- Jessi Glaser: Um, Jessi Glaser. I guess I'll read for the dutiful wife?
- [singing]
- Jessi Glaser: No matter what happens I'll stay at my station. Through scandals and lies and public humiliation. 'Cause standing by her husband is a woman's job. What the fuck? Really?
- Lola Skumpy: [singing] It's a story about women kickin' butt and bein' rapists just like dudes.
- Gina Alvarez: [singing] My character's name is "Señorita Cleaning Lady".
- Ali: [singing] Mine's "Hot Asian with Asian Boobs".
- Jessi Glaser: Hey, Lola. Can we talk to you about Lizer?
- Lola Skumpy: I'm not supposed to talk about Te... I mean, Mr Lizer.
- Andrew Glouberman: Lola, we think what he did to you was wrong.
- Lola Skumpy: No, I flirted with him, and then I talked to you about it, and then he told me I quit. It's all my fault.
- Jessi Glaser: No, it's not. He's a teacher, Lola. You're 13, and he's 39.
- Lola Skumpy: Only for three more weeks.
- Jessi Glaser: He took advantage of you. How can I explain this? Okay, you know on Pretty Little Liars?
- Lola Skumpy: I'm listening.
- Jessi Glaser: When Aria found out that Ezra was not really part of the A-Team?
- Lola Skumpy: Oh, my God.
- Jessi Glaser: And that in fact, he'd been using her since the beginning?
- Lola Skumpy: It was the ultimate betrayal.
- Jessi Glaser: Right? That's basically what Lizer did to you.
- Lola Skumpy: WHAT?
- [smashes lunch table]
- Lola Skumpy: Um, why don't I see the name "Lola Scumpy" up here?
- Mr. Lizer: Because I have a very special role for you. Lola Ugfuglio Scumpy, will you be my stage manager?
- Lola Skumpy: Oh, my God, you know my confirmation name?
- Jessi Glaser: Um, I'm sorry. Did you say "Ugfuglio"?
- Lola Skumpy: He's the patron saint of sausage and peppers.
- Principal Barren: I know you kids think you're fighting for something important here. But have you ever stopped to consider... that you're annoying?
- Gina Alvarez: What?
- Principal Barren: I've eight days left until I retire to Lake Chitaqua. I'm not gonna cancel the play and get a bunch of parents mad at me.
- Jessi Glaser: But it makes a mockery of sexual harassment!
- Principal Barren: Jessi, you're a child. You don't understand how good it feels to be drunk in a lake.