culwin Reviews

Kickboxer 2: The Road Back (1991)

Pretty good, actually

[7/10 · 29 April 2024]

I expected this to be a boring and/or stupid followup to the first movie, but I was totally wrong! It's actually surprisingly good. Van Damme is great, but the fight scenes in this hold up right alongside the original, and there's actually a plot that both makes sense and is interesting. Of course it's an Al Pyun movie, so you should know what you're getting, for better and worse. Like other movies such as Alien from LA and Brainsmasher, etc. It's not high art, it's the kind of movie you watched on cable TV at 1am eating leftover pizza. And just like that leftover pizza, it's fulfilling. Good stuff.

200 Cigarettes (1999)

Great soundtrack, boring movie

[4/10 · 21 April 2024]

My title pretty much says it all. Various pairs of people wander around New York City, with the supposed goal of making it to a New Year's Eve party. Not very much else happens, except they complain and argue with each other and whatnot, and encounter obstacles to getting to the party. At the end, we naturally get to see who hooks up with whom - although I'm not sure why we are supposed to care. The only thing kind of saving this are actors (who are doing the best they can with this uninteresting material) you might like from other things, and the music. Get the soundtrack, and skip the movie.

The Naked Zoo (1970)

Drugs, boobs, and no plot

[2/10 · 3 April 2024]

This movie is really, really boring. There's lots of "partying" and drug use - this takes up most of the movie and seems like anti-drug anti-hippie propaganda (but it probably isn't meant to be). Occasionally there is female topless nudity. The lead character, when he isn't partying or drugged out of his mind, apparently hooks up with several women daily (sometimes even multiple women sequentially at the same party!) - sometimes even getting paid to do so. Beyond that, there is very little plot. And by very little, I mean zero. The main character abuses people, parties and does drugs and has sex, and then it's over. Oh, and the band Canned Heat is there for some reason, looking like they wore the same clothes for 2 weeks straight without taking a shower. The only reason to watch this is for curiosity about one of Rita Hayworth's last roles, but otherwise don't waste your time.

Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)

A completely unique and original film like none before or since

[6/10 · 5 February 2024]

Imagine a ragtag group of fighters, each with their own motivations, brought together to battle against an overwhelming evil foe. But... in space!! That's what "Battle Beyond the Stars" is, and you've never seen anything like it. For a Corman film, this is actually pretty decent. The script is rough, but it's made up for in the acting primarily. Old pros like Robert Vaughn, George Peppard, and John Saxon as the evil Vad... I mean Sador... steal the show. The special effects are also good for a 1980 low budget. There are still plenty of cheesy "aliens" in goofy costumes, there's also well-crafted miniatures and models. If you don't go in expecting much, you might be surprised that this movie isn't so bad.

Superbadazz (2008)

Surprise, it's not good!

[2/10 · 30 October 2023]

Well this review may surprise you, but it's a bad movie. Sure it's ultra-low budget and bad acting, but what makes it particularly painful is the "comedy". Perhaps if you were getting high or drunk with some friends it could provide some laughs at it (not with it), which is one reason I gave it a 2 rather just 1. The other reason is that I've seen even worse movies with higher budgets, like religious propaganda films, and this is better than those. It also tries to capitalize on the "Superbad" name released the previous year, and that entire genre of clones that was prevalent throughout the 2000's (many of which are also bad). But I can't even recommend this as a "so bad it's good" movie. The only interesting thing about this, is that it was rentable as a DVD from Netflix (which is where I saw it). Why was this on Netflix?

Material Girls (2006)

It's not THAT bad

[4/10 · 21 July 2023]

Problem is, it's not really good either. It's not even interestingly bad. Not "so bad it's good", just dull. Stuff happens. Then more stuff happens. Then it's over. As I thought about what to say to fill in the required characters for this review, I realized what this movie needs - a laugh track. There are definitely comedy "beats" where funny things are expected to happen - but they just don't. In that way, it's like watching a (weak) sitcom without the laugh track. I'm an old man, seeing this movie 17 years after it was released, so definitely not its target audience. And I actually wish it was a worse movie, because at least that would be entertaining. Instead, I just found it mostly boring.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

Really not that bad

[5/10 · 10 June 2023]

Don't get me wrong, it's not that good either. It's a step down from the first movie, for sure. But it's got a bunch of stuff from the game(s), and lots of fighting. What more do you want? Oh, a plot? Well yeah, that sucks. The effects suck too. But whereas other video game movies would remove a lot of the game references and fighting and ATTEMPT to have a plot (but probably still fail), this one gives up all those pretenses and just focuses on the (mortal) kombat. One thing that could have improved the movie is more special moves and finishing moves from the game, but otherwise, it's a very "meh" sort of movie. Far from the worst I've seen, though.

Jail Bait (1954)

Not bad at all, actually

[6/10 · 20 March 2023]

This is probably the most "mainstream" of Ed Wood's movies. There's no crazy vampires or aliens or even cross-dressing. It's a very by-the-book crime story like any other you would find from this time. In fact, if it's guilty of anything, it's kind of boring for the first 45 minutes or so. I didn't find the acting to be terrible, either. There are definitely some scenes that any other director probably would have done another take of, or at least edited, but they aren't "laughably bad" like I expected. The dialogue is probably the weakest part, and could have used some polishing, but I've seen worse in multi-million dollar films. Overall, I think this one is unfairly maligned just because of who directed it. But then, I don't think "Plan 9" is really all that bad, either.

Mr. Mike's Mondo Video (1979)

Sometimes funny, always interesting

[7/10 · 20 February 2023]

I can see how this would be unusual (and maybe even shocking?) for 1979, but in 2023 it seems relatively tame, at least to me. I've known about this movie for over 30 years but I only just got around to seeing it today. Some of it is definitely the same kind of humor from SNL's early days. A lot of it is random. Some of it is just dumb (but still funny). And a lot of it is just weird, which isn't necessarily funny but it is fascinating to watch. I see some of the same random humor in tik-toks and YouTube videos and memes today. Whether it's asking people on the street stupid questions or showing girls in their underwear jumping over fire, everything old is new again.

Tangled (1997)

Good but hard to watch

[7/10 · 18 December 2022]

Well this is quite different than the Disney movie I was expecting! Just kidding. This is a bit of a rough watch. Not because of the acting, directing, etc. All that is good. I might even say great. But the subject matter and story are the opposite of uplifting, depressing and even a little disturbing. It's very "real", for both good and bad. Another interesting aspect is that it looks in many ways (from the sets and dress to even the music and cinematography) like it was made in 1979, not 1997. Which is a cool aesthetic, for sure. If you can handle some depressing subject matter, check this one out.

Catwoman (2004)

Not bad enough to be interesting

[4/10 · 26 September 2022]

It's not that bad... but it's not good either. It's mostly just boring. The villains are boring, corporate types, which are the least interesting sort of villain. Not a lot happens. There's an origin story, which is OK I guess. Catwoman beats up some people, with lots of CGI effects of her jumping around. Halle Berry goes on a couple of dates. There are a couple of corny one-liners, but not many. If you watch this expecting to laugh at some crazy "bad movie" antics, or be angry about how incompetently made a movie can be, you will be sorely disappointed. It looks fine. The actors are fine. But it's just not that interesting.

P.S. Your Cat Is Dead! (2002)

Meh

[6/10 · 11 August 2022]

Steve Guttenberg and Lombardo Boyar are great, and probably are the main reasons for watching this. The other actors are good too, but these two dominate most of the film. It starts out interesting enough, but before long it's just Steve and Lombardo, for a loooooong stretch of the movie. It gets kind of dull after awhile. And ultimately, none of the problems introduced are really resolved by the end. Not a great movie overall, but then I've seen a lot worse.

Devil Doll (1964)

Not that bad, actually

[6/10 · 12 June 2022]

Movie drags a little, and it would definitely work better as a TV episode - The Twilight Zone or whatever. But aside from that, it's surprisingly not that bad. Bryant Haliday is suitably creepy as the main villain, and despite the slow burn it was enough to keep me interested until the ending. And the ending is good, too. MST3K made fun of it (and did a good job), but it's actually one of the better films they've had on there.

Fall Down Dead (2007)

Well it's not very good...

[3/10 · 28 February 2022]

A killer is after some people in a building while the power is out. That's it. Nothing much else happens. David Carradine's character is obnoxious. The other actors do their best, but everybody has to act like the killer is some invincible threat, and act really dumb. And they do their best to stretch this out to 90 minutes, but the script is very thin. Might have worked as a TV episode? But it's a pretty weak movie.

Making YouTube (2021)

Good as a movie if you don't mind fictionalized biopics

[8/10 · 10 January 2022]

This was surprisingly good! I've been watching Dax Flame on YouTube since his early days, almost 15 years ago, and he's always been entertaining. But this production is absolutely on another level. Dax's portrayal of Chad Hurley is certainly awkward. I've never met or seen much video of Hurley, so I can't say if it's accurate. Intentional or not, it works. All the other acting, as well as the production values, editing, etc. Is top notch. The only negative criticism I have, is that the real-life history is almost entirely fictionalized. Pretty sure almost none of this really happened, at least not this way. But if you're willing to let that slide, it's a pretty good movie anyhow.

Gypsy Angels (1990)

Shockingly bad

[3/10 · 2 January 2022]

I wasn't expecting much here, maybe a mediocre movie with some silliness. But what I got was a goofy TV-movie (spliced together with extra scenes to drag it out). Ostensibly about a hot young blonde stripper who can't keep her hands off a dumpy middle-aged pilot. The casting is bad, the acting is rough, the writing is all over the place. Even the soundtrack is terrible. Watch it for Vanna White, watch it for laughs. Just don't watch it twice.

Journey to the Center of the Earth (1988)

Shockingly bad

[3/10 · 21 November 2021]

I actually like "Alien from LA". This "sequel", however, is really bad. They obviously cobbled together some footage from the first movie with just enough new scenes to fill time. Characters randomly disappear and are never seen or talked about again. Kathy Ireland is in it for about 7 seconds - I don't remember if she says 1 or 2 sentences. It barely runs 70 minutes before they pad the ending with clips of the movie you just watched. If you've seen Alien from LA, watch this (once) for the novelty of it, but if you haven't seen that, this will be incomprehensible to you. It might be incomprehensible anyhow.

White Zombie (1932)

Classic creepy monster movie

[8/10 · 18 September 2021]

Yes there are zombies in this movie, but the real threat and fear is from the witch doctor who creates & controls the zombies. Being an old black and white movie just after the silent era, with crackly sound, only helps add to the atmosphere. Bela is still on his game as the creepy villain. And at less than 70 minutes, it's an easy sit.

Escape from Tomorrow (2013)

Goofy nonsense

[2/10 · 12 September 2021]

Well the first hour is boring. Somewhat weird and definitely bad. But not much happening. Those looking for "so bad it's good" or at least some laughs, will mostly not find it here. Then after the first hour, at least things start to happen. It's still bad, but it's not boring anymore. Unfortunately, it all seems like random nonsense. I could get with a horror-type film set in Disney World, even if it's bad, but there has to be some reason and logic to what's happening. It seems like the writer/director might be trying to shoehorn in some kind of social commentary(?), but whatever he's trying to get across is incomprehensible gibberish. Who can I recommend this to? If you're college age and sitting around with a bunch of friends, maybe with some beers (or whatever), and want to laugh at something stupid, then perhaps this is perfect for you (again, be prepared to endure the boring parts, though). Anybody else - even if you "like" bad movies - just skip this. Or watch it like I did and waste 90 minutes of your life.

Scared to Death (1946)

Did they just give up halfway through?

[4/10 · 8 September 2021]

The classic trope of several people in a house with a killer. Right away, we're assaulted by a garish color palette, but OK whatever. We're introduced to the cast one-by-one and we are trying to figure out whodunit and why. Pretty standard so far. Then about 65 minutes in, the killer is abruptly revealed and the movie ends. Wait, what? The movie starts out not being too bad, and seems like it could have gone somewhere, but ultimately it's like they just gave up (ran out of time? Money?) and ended it. The unsatisfying ending turns a mediocre movie into a somewhat bad one.

Stuart Saves His Family (1995)

Well it's... weird

[6/10 · 5 September 2021]

First, this movie isn't all that funny. Nor is it meant to be (I think). If you're looking for wacky SNL comedy like Coneheads or Wayne's World, this isn't it. In fact, it barely resembles the sketch on which it is based. Of course it has some humorous moments, but for the most part it's a serious (maybe too serious) film. So it could have also been a cheesy "feel-good" movie instead. And it isn't quite that, either. Bad stuff happens, and it isn't all neatly resolved. I can definitely see why this was in and out of theaters fast (I didn't even know about it at the time). But it is worth watching if you can get your hands on it. Don't expect anything amazing but... it's good enough.

Blue Money (1972)

The worst thing a movie can be is boring

[2/10 · 29 August 2021]

This snooze-fest makes Tommy Wiseau look Oscar-worthy. In fact, there are many similarities with The Room - an actor/director with an accent, topless women, and a guy who argues with his wife. But at least Tommy is kind of funny and constructs interesting scenes. The guy shoots porn films to get money to build a boat. His wife doesn't like it. Occasionally cops act like they might do something. That's about all that happens. Somehow, they stretched that premise to over an hour. The porn angle is not interesting either. I almost fell asleep, but the only thing keeping me awake is wondering if they made it this dull on purpose. I can only recommend watching this if you want to brag to your friends about having sat all the way through it.

Rollergator (1996)

Worse than you think

[2/10 · 1 August 2021]

Like many others, I only found this through RiffTrax, which makes it much more palatable. If you watched it alone without commentary, you would have a worse time. It is "so bad it's funny" for about 20 minutes, but the worst part is the incessant guitar that drowns out most of the dialogue. There are long stretches where nothing much interesting happens, and it slowly becomes stupid and boring instead of stupid and funny. I gave it 2 stars instead of 1, because it didn't make me angry or anything, but it's pretty rough.

The Werewolf of Washington (1973)

Dean Stockwell is trying hard - really hard! Maybe too hard

[3/10 · 30 July 2021]

Laughably bad and definitely stupid. Obviously 1973 special effects limit what they can do with the werewolf. But between Dean Stockwell's over-the-top performance, and the ridiculous dialogue (plenty of wolf and dog puns), this sinks below "so bad it's funny" and eventually becomes just bad. Worth watching for a few laughs in the middle part, and it helps if you have a "bad movie" host helping you through.

Tales from the Far Side (1994 TV Movie)

How many funny ways are there to die?

[7/10 · 25 July 2021]

People (or at least anthropomorphic creatures) die in various comedic ways. Just like the comic strip that inspired it, the situations are weird, dumb, and funny. Continued in a longer sequel which is more of the same.