adam b Reviews

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

too much, too self-indulgent, too bad

[13 September 1999]

I am still a South Park fan. There, I said it and I'm glad. Still, this is one of the worst tv to movie adaptations since "The Little Rascals." What makes the show funny is that feeling that you're getting away with something, that something has been slipped in past the censors, or that the line has somehow been crossed in a way that those in charge didn't notice. Without having a line to cross, the thrill is simply gone. Nonstop obscenities and tacky humor simply aren't funny in a forum where anything goes. Add this with the heavy-handed blasts on the MPAA, the movie is little more than Trey and Matt's personal propoganda film at the expense of everyone else's enjoyment. The fans deserved much better.

Can't Buy Me Love (1987)

A buried treasure

[10/10 · 13 September 1999]

This is one of those rare teen flicks that actually hits the mark. This is a carefully written, well-acted tale of the high school social structure and the unnecessary rifts it causes. While old guys like myself can only regret the missed opportunities peer pressure has cost us, maybe the younger folks can learn from it. Meaningful without being preachy, this movie should be mandatory viewing once a year in high schools.

Blade (1998)

Wheeeeeeeeee!!!!!

[10/10 · 26 July 1999]

I love salt and vinegar flavored potato chips. Some people would rather chew glass, but I love 'em. Sure, they're bitter, and not something you'd want to make your whole diet out of, but for those of us that likes 'em, they're great. Blade is your salt and vinegar movie. Excessively violent? Sure. Downright gross? You betcha! Hackneyed, staged, pandering, condescending, and with a predictable ending? Of course! But, it's sooooooo unapologetic about what it is, you can't help but love it. It's over-the-top, in-your-face fun that'll keep you on the edge of your seat if you let yourself get lost in the nonsense. Any attempt at sweetening it would have been a disaster, so they went full-tilt in the other direction and the result is a dang good time. A true guilty pleasure. Not appropriate for younger audiences (that R is there for a reason), but lots of scary fun.

Small Soldiers (1998)

Big movie on both the big and small screen.

[10/10 · 21 June 1999]

I had to drag my wife kicking and screaming into seeing this movie, but I had just sat through "Mary Reilly," so she owed me one. And she's glad I did. We both enjoyed this movie a great deal, probably more than we were supposed to (we are thirtysomethings, after all). It was like Gremlins without the blood and gack factor. Fun characters, fast pacing, and nice use of "unknown" actors (the studios should do that more often) grabs you by the corneas and doesn't let go. Equally enjoyable on a television, which is a rarity in these big budget flicks. Great movie for those who like (or can tolerate) a lot of activity. Watch it with the kids . . . you'll probably find yourself yelling louder than they are.

Armageddon (1998)

Very expensive cotton candy

[1/10 · 21 June 1999]

You know what I mean. Cotton candy has a very pleasant taste, but it kind of dissolves in your mouth, doesn't satisfy your hunger, and actually leaves you hungry for something more substantial if you get too much of it. Such is the case with this movie. Granted, I saw it at home, but I also saw Apollo 13 at home and had a great time. My wife and I literally fell asleep after the first hour. I can't tell you what happened after that, but that, in and of itself, should tell you something.

Lovelife (1997)

Call the Lifetime Network and see if they're missing a movie

[3/10 · 3 May 1999]

The plus side of having cable television with a movie channel or two is that you get the opportunity to see movies you might have otherwise missed somewhere along the way. I'm talking about those charming little films that have a low budget but make up in heart what they're missing in window dressing. Lovelife ain't one of those movies. This is an overlong whine-a-thon where people give each other the shaft and can't figure out why they aren't in satisfying relationships. Pretentious and pathetic all at once, this film tries to find honor in the fact that it isn't a mainstream film, and sacrifices everything that makes a film (mainstream and otherwise) entertaining in the process. Avoid this one. It isn't even a good date movie.

Lost in Space (1998)

A Gentle Giant

[10/10 · 12 April 1999]

I think I've seen three complete episodes of the television series, and I'm not a sci-fi lover at all, but this movie was a dang good time. There, I said it and I'm glad. Great special effects, a thoughtful script, and excellent casting makes this one a sleeper keeper. I think I would have had either Hurt of Oldman shave their beard (it was too hard to tell them apart at the beginning), but everything else was perfecta. Matt LeBlanc finally shows us he's capable of being in something worth watching besides "Friends." It gets off to a slow start, but once the ship hits the air . .. prepare for adventure! An hour and forty minutes had passed before my wife and I even thought about glancing at the clock above the television . .. this one will really suck you in. Squeaky clean fun for the whole family, too! It's a shame this one didn't do better . . . I'd actually look forward to a sequel.

The Waterboy (1998)

Great until halftime

[8/10 · 12 April 1999]

Adam Sandler is not everyone's cup of tea, and that's fortunate for him. If he tried to please everyone by adapting his sophomoric brand of humor for mass consumption, it would be like adding spaghetti to ice cream. I've always been a Sandler fan, and my wife has always been a Sandler detractor, but this one-two-three punch of his last few movies has actually turned her around. She wouldn't want to see him all the time, but she no longer says, "That guy just isn't funny," like she did when he was on Saturday Night Live. The first half of this movie is nonstop laughs. It manages to dance on the border of clever and stupid and makes you laugh in spite of yourself. Then, it turns into every other kind of "underdog against all odds" movie you've ever seen. The Waterboy does not play for a second half team. Clearly catering to the lowest common denominator, the movie becomes so bland that you almost forget how good the first half tasted. Almost.

Spawn (1997)

Spawn is a yawn

[1/10 · 12 April 1999]

I've been an avid reader of comics for twenty-five years now. I watch every comic-related movie and television show I can find. I've never read McFarlane's very popular Spawn series, and now that I've seen the movie, I can save myself the trouble. Put away that Snooze Ray! Special effects-heavy, plot-light tale of a guy who makes a deal with the forces of darkness and then becomes a good guy (Wow! I've never heard of such a plot!). I haven't seen a movie this dank since the Adventures of Ford Fairlane. You know how the Batman movies created this dark, sinister atmosphere that was actually pretty cool in a macabre way? This movie creates a dark, sinister atmosphere that makes you want to turn off the television and go outside for some fresh air. I enjoyed Shaquelle O'Neal as Steel more than this. Avoid, although you should watch it first if your children want to see it to decide if it's appropriate. Ah, the things we do for our kids . . . .

Stuart Saves His Family (1995)

It's good enough, it's smart enough . . .

[7/10 · 23 February 1999]

This really isn't a bad movie. It doesn't deliver as many belly laughs as Wayne's World, but it certainly surpasses Coneheads and It's Pat in the intelligence and humor department. It's not as good as the book this film was based on, and Al Franken can certainly be a lot funnier than this character allows him to be, but it's worth your time. People from dysfunctional families will probably like it better.

Steel (1997)

When good ideas go bad

[2/10 · 22 February 1999]

If you're like me, you're frustrated at how few comic book characters translate well to the big screen. The Punisher. Captain America. Now, we have Steel. And it's a shame. Steel is one of those characters that had enough depth and nobility as a character that it could have been pulled off without a huge budget. And that seemed to be the idea of this movie. So why is it so bad? Well, for starters, Steel looks ridiculous. Why does the suit have to be made from junk-yard leftovers? He was in the military, so why couldn't he have swiped a cool-looking prototype? And where's the cape? Call me corny, but what gives the suit its majesty is that big, flowing red cape. No references to Superman, or the sense of awe and gratitude that inspired John Irons into becoming Steel. And the hammer as a gun? Puh-leeze. Still, this could have been a decent movie if the guy who wrote the plots had hired someone else to do the dialogue. Judd Nelson is a good villain, and Shaq might have been able to pull off a true hero had he not been reduced to one-liners and jive talk. Also, why is it that no one in Shaq's hood can figure out that the 7 foot tall Shaq is the 7 foot tall Steel? This movie is so self-conscious that the obvious noble aspirations just seem pitiful. Like most comic characters, Steel deserved much better writing (like that found in his comic).

There's Something About Mary (1998)

Almost the perfect movie

[9/10 · 2 February 1999]

This movie is similar to Dumb and Dumber in that some of the best laughs are the ones you feel the guiltiest about, but there's actually some substance to the movie this time. Get past the slapstick, and you actually find a touching story about a guy who couldn't free himself from feelings about his high school crush. Had the ending turned out differently, I would have given this one a solid ten.

Spice World (1997)

Every bit as good as their music . . . unfortunately.

[1/10 · 1 February 1999]

I was actually pretty apathetic of the Spice Girls until I saw this movie, but this is too much. This is the first English-speaking movie I've seen that requires English subtitles so you can figure out what the little darlings are saying. Fortunately, there's no plot, so you just treat it like a 90 minute long music video. For an added challenge, see if you can resist the urge to keep from clawing your own eyes out of their sockets while protecting your ears from bleeding while the gals sing and prance their way into your spleen. A spice world is a cruel world, indeed.

Mother (II) (1996)

How to make an effective movie w/o a car chase.

[9/10 · 1 February 1999]

This is one of those movies that's like watching a play on a movie screen, and what an enjoyable play it is. Through deft writing and flawless acting, this film manages to capture the subtle psychological warfare taking place b/t Brooks and his family. Also to his credit, the Brooks character is far from flawless or blameless that the relationship has become such an emotional wasteland. A gentle giant.

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Perfecta

[10/10 · 1 February 1999]

Run Tim Robbins's name in the database, and I don't think you'll find that he's starred in too many movies worth watching. Generally, most movies he's in have the subtlety of a ball peen hammer across your forehead. This movie atones for a thousand sins. Carefully written, deliberately paced, lovingly acted, this film brings you in and leads you to the light on the other side. Nothing is forced, but not a single plot thread is left dangling. Hollywood needs a lot more movies like this one. See it twice.

Dead Man Walking (1995)

The road to hell . . .

[2/10 · 20 January 1999]

I have issues with the death penalty. I believe in it in theory, but I don't believe in it the way it is administered. There, I said it. So, it's not the obvious anti-capital punishment stance that turned me off to this movie. For a true story, these were the most unrealistic characters I've seen in some time. Susan Sarandon delivers the worst southern accent since Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, and I never, ever saw the reason Sister Prejean was so bent on helping our convicted murderer guy. I'm sure that in real life she had a reason, but I sure can't tell what it was from this movie. This was made-for-television quality at best. The message might have been worthwhile, but the presentation was so contrived that it came across as a propaganda film . . . and I don't necessarily agree with the message, so I'm very doubtful it changed any pro-capital punishment minds. Lame, lame, lame.

Natural Born Killers (1994)

Oliver Stone's Glass House

[1/10 · 15 January 1999]

What I found so bizarre about this movie is that this movie itself is guilty of what it accuses the media of doing. Yes, the media irresponsibly glorifies violence, but this movie ended up being the worst offender of them all. Okay, this movie defines the problem, this movie BECOMES the problem, and offers absolutely no suggestion on how to fix the problem, which makes it appear to me that Tauranteno and Stone are just two wise guys sitting on the sidelines taking potshots. Rule One of Satire: Don't be a hypocrite. Also, did anyone NOT see that end coming? A waste of time.

Twenty Bucks (1993)

Swish!

[9/10 · 13 January 1999]

The problem with movies that actually try not to insult your intelligence is that they are totally inaccessible and make you feel like you're sitting at a table in the high school cafeteria with the cool kids . . . they'll let you watch, but you should not be under any illusion that you belong. This is not the case with Twenty Bucks. I caught this one on UPN last Sunday and was amazed. It's a fascinating story of a $20 bill's journey in and out of the lives of people to whom it changes hands. Sometimes it's only there for a moment, sometimes it's there for days, sometimes it doesn't go where you might think it would go, but it's always an interesting story. This is a wonderful anthology film that manages to introduce many characters and get you brought up to speed on their lives in a brief period of time. And check out those credits! You know who these actors are, and it's obvious that no one was letting their ego get in the way of telling the story. It's a wonderful, lovingly crafted movie that is well worth your time to see.

Home Alone 3 (1997)

No more house calls . . . please!

[3 January 1999]

This movie is downright painful to watch. Any movie that makes you long for Home Alone or the awful sequel has reached new lows. Take the worst part of the first two (cardboard characters, didactic dialogue, pointless plot) and make it even worse with new villains. Gone are the bumbling burglars who only committed property crimes. Now we have four malicious characters who terrorize an old woman, attempt to murder who they believe is a potential witness, and GUESS WHAT ELSE KIDS! There's GUNS in this one! No one ever shoots any of them, but they are drawn and pointed all over the place. How's that for wacky hijinks? Do yourself a favor and leave this home alone.

Invisible Dad (1998 Video)

So bad, it ought to be good . . . but isn't.

[1/10 · 29 December 1998]

Okay, it's a movie for children, and it's not one of those movies that adults will enjoy as well. However, there are some unintentionally funny moments, most of them involving holes in the story. For example, the kid needs a computer part to bring his dad back to normal, and he doesn't have the money. So, does he ask his father for the dough? Nope, he STEALS IT and gets caught. Kids, if I'm ever turned invisible, I'll advance your allowance, ok? Also, while this kid is at the police station (no doubt about to be charged with criminally lame acting), his beautiful blond teacher comes in, announces who she is and where she works, then BUSTS THE CHILD OUT OF THE SLAM IN FRONT OF THE COPS! To make matters worse, instead of making a quick getaway, they then SIT IN THE PARKING LOT OF THE POLICE STATION AND LAUGH ABOUT THEIR ACHIEVEMENT. You know, I hate to pick, but the kid DID steal something and ought to face the consequences, but maybe being in this movie is punishment enough. Y'all avoid it!