GradeZ Reviews

Skeleton Man (2004 TV Movie)

Should've stuck with Cottonmouth Joe

[2/10 · 28 April 2006]

A whole lot of the people that have seen this are confused, obviously. The original title of "Cottonmouth Joe" would've put things into better perspective for much of the viewing audience. I have personally experienced the condition of cottonmouth (often accompanied by a really bad hangover after a weekend bender) and it is indeed a lot like the movie Skeleton Man -- a dry, scummy film that provokes regret for recent choices and begs for a hot shower.

It is unfortunate that the choice of "Skeleton Man" for the title was finalized by the distributor (probably the work of some meddling Hollywood no nothing studio exec who just didn't get it) and not "Cottonmouth Joe." Those of us who have seen the film know that the Skeleton Man is actually Cottonmouth Joe (a skeletal-manish apparition, not a true Skeleton Man). The deception of the folks marketing this film is unforgivable, and for that alone, I cannot give this film a high rating. Imagine this: when future filmmakers get together to create the true definitive Skeleton Man movie and need a title, they will be totally screwed and we are all, as serious fans of the genre, diminished for that.

Cottonmouth Joe could've become a horror movie icon right up there alongside Madman Marz, Black Claw, Mansquito, Humongous, "Nature Boy" Billy Conners, Morty the wooden doll, the Boogen, Eegah, The Moon Beast, Bloody Bill, the Driller Killer, Mickey Rooney, and so forth, but he will always be remembered as a sword wielding-caped-tackle dummy skull face-tied to the side of a horse-skeleton man wannabe.

That's too bad.

Killers (1997)

Can't believe the debate (spoilers contained within)

[1/10 · 28 April 2006]

Much of the commentary on this board revolves around debating the validity of some comparison to R DOGS made on the DVD cover. Forget about all of that... This film-- er-- home movie is utterly horrendous. How can anyone with a shred of credibility claim this as being 10/10??? There is no plot, none. I couldn't believe that I spent money to rent this (more on that later) and that I had fooled myself into believing that this (based on box cover art and some sort of film fest award blurb) had potential. The only thing I do really remember was that, unbelievably, one of the annoying main characters was supposedly offed with a bullet to the head... and he ends up surviving the wound and making it to the final credits alive. Wow. And looky dere, Killers has a sequel. Double wow.

True story -- I actually was in so much denial that I had wasted my money and life force on this rental that I kept the videotape for what must've been six months. I kept telling myself that it never actually happened. The video on top of the TV was an illusion - a mental symbol of my self-loathing. After someone pointed out that is was indeed real and that I needed to get a grip, I decided that I couldn't just leave it there. I thought, "How many others have I denied the suffering of sitting through the viewing of this masterpiece by hoarding Killers all to myself?" I had to do the right thing and return it back to the hell from which it came.

So, as I imagine most of the populous of IMDb would do in a similar situation, I mustered up some major courage and drove to the video store... at 2AM. After making sure that no one was around, I got out of my car (still running of course), slipped the movie into the drop box slot, and booked the hell out of there never to return.

I guess I expected that some goons from Hollywood Video corporate would come looking for me (the bill must've racked up to something like $1,238.67 by that time) so I moved away from the area. However, coincidently, much like the Killers storyline, nothing ever happened.

The Four Feathers (2002)

I wish I could send the writers and directors a couple white feathers for this...

[3/10 · 23 September 2002]

I haven't wrote a review in a while, but I felt as if I needed to warn all of you before wasting your time and money. There will probably be SPOILERS galore in this, but if you're smart you won't care because you won't step near a theater showing this mess.

Poor Djimon Hounsou. Why is it that he is always cast as a helpful slave? In Amistad, he was helpful to his own people, in Gladiator he helped a fellow slave - Maximus, and in this one he plays Abou who helps a disgraced former British soldier. He may want to avoid these type of roles for a while to avoid type casting, by the way. At least in those other films his character had motivation to be helpful. In T4F, he has NONE. I kept waiting for something, but all that was offered from the script was money and then God and then friendship? Huh? I could see no reasons as to why he was helping Ledger's character (Harry). Harry was a British soldier invading his homeland for heaven's sake. Abou was killing his own people I guess because he thought that Harry had a nice laugh or something, I dunno. I didn't want him to be helped. In fact, I blame Abou for allowing the movie to last so long by saving his wretched arse time and time again.

For example, when Harry took the poison that Abou gave him, I could feel a collective sigh of relief from the members of the audience who were still awake. Unfortunately, we were all tricked when Abou saved the day again (for God, money, and friendship I think) and the movie lasted for what seemed like another four hours - including a somewhat funny slo-mo desert battle in the sand that made me want to take a shower. Was it just me or should Harry have been easily pummeled by that guy?

All I can say is that Wes Bentley (as Jack) should be thankful since he was spared the horrible unraveling of this faux epic as he was blinded halfway thru and could not see what was happening. I, like the others in the theater, envied him.

The End of Violence (1997)

Heady movie forgets its brain

[3/10 · 12 August 1999]

I don't think I've ever seen a movie that is so cerebral yet so poor at the same time. Wim Wenders is certainly revered in the film community for his offbeat ethereal productions (i.e. Wings of Desire), however, nothing profound or comprehensible can be extracted from his latest effort. It is as if four or five scripts were dropped in a studio parking lot by some clumsy intern and what was left was thrown together so that somebody wouldn't get fired. There are some common links between the characters but what does any of it have to do with the underlying plot of satellite surveillance? I kept waiting for the film to decide which plot it thought was most interesting, but it remained undecided to the very end. This was a frustrating experience to say the least.

The most aggravating aspect of this film is the fact that none of the parties involved appear to incompetent, so how is this movie so bad? Maybe I missed something...

The one saving grace of this film is the performance of Udo Kier as a German director. He alone mutters the one or two lines that managed to get me to crack a smile during this disaster.

American Pie (1999)

You'll never look at Apple Pie the same way again.

[8/10 · 6 August 1999]

There's really nothing spectacular about American Pie other than the fact that it really is funny as hell. I found myself in a state of general disbelief in several parts of the film (namely the opening scene and the now infamous pie scene which both featured humor at Jason Biggs' expense). Yeah, this movie is Porky's with better writing and more heart - but hey, so what? Who didn't love the Teenage Sex Comedy genre when it was on top years ago? Alright, movies like Meatballs Three sunk that ship (and rightfully so) but now the genre (as they all seem to do) has returned with a bang.

Looking back on those movies from the eighties, the realization occurs that they just weren't all that funny. American Pie is very funny. There were points while watching Pie when I couldn't hear most of the follow up jokes to the big gags because the audience was laughing so loud. The characters (both male and female) are certainly likable enough even though it's not clear whether there is a future star amongst the young actors (though Biggs deserves something for his self-deprecation). However, proper accolades must go to veteran comedic actor Eugene Levy who is simply brilliant as Jim's straight-laced dad. It is their hilarious and at times very touching relationship that really shone through for me. Call me crazy but if there is any justice at the Oscars this year Levy will get a supporting actor nomination. But, alas, we all know that comic actors seldom get the nods they deserve from the academy (Murray got wrongfully slighted for Rushmore last year in my opinion).

Overall, American Pie is perhaps the best Teenage Sex Comedy of all time. So, if you're starved for a delightful romp or if you've ever been to band camp

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Innovative yet retro-horror film is the scariest film in years

[10/10 · 30 April 1999]

There was something about those horror films of the seventies and early eighties set in the clandestine corridors of backwoods country. Maybe it was the eerie rustling of the wind or the lifeless autumn leaves that provided the feeling of death and isolation. This is the setting of The Blair Witch Project - a film that is based on the premise that it is the discovered footage shot by a team of amateur film makers investigating a piece of Maryland folklore. The team entered the woods and never came out.

The most refreshing aspect of this horror masterpiece is that it understands the strength of subtlety. This film more than any other in recent memory, exploits the power of suggestion and invokes the hidden fears that could only crawl from the darkest corners of our imagination. It seems that the horror genre has been inundated with movies driven by special effects of late. These films have forgotten that horror movies by nature are supposed to be, above all else, scary. They should make our hearts jump and our skin crawl. The Blair Witch Project does this. It scares with its simplicity - using children's voices in the night, wooden figures hanging from twisted tree branches, and prolonged periods of darkness.

Among truly scary films of the recent past (Black Christmas and the Exorcist are two), The Blair Witch Project is at the top. Hopefully this film will remind horror filmmakers that the unknown is, more often than not, more terrifying than anything that can be captured by a camera.

The New York Ripper (1982)

Fulci Fanatics Only

[15 April 1999]

This film is a N.O.W. gang nightmare. It's probably one of the most disturbing misogynistic experiences captured on celluloid (the male equivalent being Practical Magic). The film is really not that bad, however, despite being excruciating to watch at times.

Jack Hedley plays a tired old veteran cop who has hookers for girlfriends and cigarettes for breakfast. His latest case involves a serial killer that targets woman and kills them in some of the most grotesque fashions ever. The most impressive gore sequence features the unseen killer torturing Hedley's girlfriend with a razor blade. You really have to see it to believe it. Let's just say that there is some serious eye and breast violence that is way too realistic for most film goers to stomach. The film also features the most graphic bullet wound in film history at the film's climax.

Other than that, it's a pretty standard violent giallo. It's right in the middle of the Fulci pack as far as quality goes, somewhere in between Zombi 2 and Aenigma.

The Mod Squad (1999)

The "mod" Mod Squad is a dud.

[2/10 · 24 March 1999]

Maybe it's because I never saw one episode of the television show, but there's something missing from the Mod Squad. I don't know if it's character development, or flow, or, how about a plot? The failure of this film actually is a combination of all of these things. The Mod Squad manages to rip off several cliches to form its undercover-can't even trust the cops plotline. The problem is that the cliches that are ripped off aren't interesting in the first place. There's even a point when I believe the film makers figured out how pedestrian the film was, panicked, and threw in a self-mocking comment about how cliche it was to have the final confrontation in an abandoned warehouse. Ribisi even has the line which says in so many words, "This is one of those bad cop drug things." Yes, it is, and the French Connection or even Fletch it's not.

I must say that it is hard to blame the actors for this mess (even though I question their role selection). Danes looks good but her character is uninspired. Epps looks like he's asleep through the whole picture (he's probably as bored as we are). The talented Ribisi at least tries to overcome the bland script, but ultimately becomes guilty of mugging for the camera rather than acting.

The final word on the Mod Squad is that it probably wouldn't and couldn't be made without an association with a television series that, as far as I know, only a handful of people watched.

Braindead (1992)

Perhaps the end all be all of zombie fun

[10/10 · 24 March 1999]

Much has already been commented on Dead-Alive on the IMDB comment board. Everyone pretty much hits the mark, so I'll be brief. The R-rated version is the best argument for proponents of the anti-censorship movement. It's nearly unwatchable. The uncut version is a modern day classic, effectively parodying horror films while enthralling us with likable characters, multi-level plotting, ingenious black humor, and exceptional special effects. This is Peter Jackson's horror-comedy masterpiece, a slight step above his earlier film Bad Taste (not to knock that film one bit). Anyone that can incorporate lawn dwarfs into a film and make you feel sorry for a pile of intestines has real talent.

Bad Taste (1987)

Bad Taste is exactly what you get.

[10/10 · 24 March 1999]

Perhaps the most aptly named film in history, Bad Taste is one of the funniest gross-out movies of all time. The plot follows an elite ragtag group of mercenaries known simply as "the boys" who are hired by the queen to stop the influx of alien activity in New Zealand. The group soon discovers a plot devised by the evil Lord Crumb to make humans into cattle for his intergalactic fast food chain. What follows is a hilarious gory battle between man and alien that provokes laughter and regurgitation all at once. It's the kind of film that may force the Rapture to come early.

Director/FX man/actor Peter Jackson is truly an inspiration to all low budget filmmakers, much the same way Sam Raimi is with The Evil Dead, by building a masterpiece on limited resources and limitless ingenuity. Jackson would later on go on to direct the incredible horror schlockfest Dead Alive and the critically acclaimed Heavenly Creatures(starring Kate Winslet). Both are highly recommended as well.

The Corruptor (1999)

A very solid second Hollywood effort from Chow Yun Fat

[9/10 · 11 March 1999]

The Corruptor is an above average action/crime drama featuring Chow Yun Fat in his second American effort (the first being The Replacement Killers) as detective Nicholas Chen, a cop in New York's fifteenth precinct. The film's basic plot is a typical cop versus mob yarn where Yun Fat is teamed with a young transfer (played by Mark Wahlberg) to battle a Chinese crime syndicate. There are several layers and twists that propel the storyline above the standard cop thriller that are guaranteed to hold your interest throughout. However, the real heroes of the film are the actors.

Chow Yun Fat and Mark Wahlberg are electrifying actors who simply captivate us with their natural charisma. With his character Nicholas Chen, Chow Yun Fat has the flexibility to display his infectious charm, whereas his first Hollywood performance as John Lee in the Replacement Killers had limited character boundaries. Wahlberg again shows us why he is one the top young actors in Hollywood today by playing a very interesting character who must deal with multiple issues in order to overcome the obstacles he faces. What must not be lost in the praise of the two lead actors, however, is the masterful performance of Ric Young as Henry Lee, the head of the Triads and chief antagonist in the film.

As far as action goes, fans of John Woo/Chow Yun Fat collaborations will not be disappointed. The car chase in the middle of the film is the best of recent memory, dwarfing the bordering on ridiculous so-called "mother of all car chases" in last summer's Ronin.

Overall, The Corruptor is a nice rebound for Chow Yun Fat. It's not the Killer or Hard-Boiled, but it's much more entertaining than any recent Lethal Weapon movie or summer blockbuster directed by Michael Bay.

Night Train to Terror (1985)

Horror Anthologies have never been this strange.

[6/10 · 17 February 1999]

A real mess of a film, or bunch of films, tied together by a hilariously awful segment featuring God (played by himself) and the Devil (Lu Cifer) battling over the souls of several people involved in an anthology of horror tales. It becomes a real mystery as to why either of them would want any of the pitiful bunch especially when they argue over a "rock" band who continuously tortures the viewer by performing the same terrible (but somehow catchy) song entitled, "Dance with me" during interludes. The anthology of tales feature two shortened direct to video type flicks ("The Death Wish Club" and "The Nightmare Never Ends") as well as an unfinished flick about black market organ suppliers. These stories are really bad in a fun sort of way. For example, the Death Wish Club has a segment where a Jimi Hendrix look alike mutters the line, "excuse me while I smoke" before getting melted by an electric chair. The really funny part, besides the eighties rock video segment with a band that has all the charisma of a root canal, is the hilarious banter that occurs between God and Satan. At one point, God belittles Satan by saying that he can not hear the music of the young people today, therefore he can not understand it. When Satan gets snippy, God threatens to open the gates of hell - at which point the film cuts to "Dance with me," aerobics, and breakdancing. Highly recommended for bad movie fans, this could be the "Plan Nine from Outer Space" of the eighties.

Revenge of the Dead (1983)

Why was this movie made?

[1/10 · 16 February 1999]

This film is a pointless exercise in wasting celluloid. A researcher finds an imprint on a typewriter ribbon and decides to investigate his discovery. Apparently, there are these areas known as "K-zones" which can cause the dead to rise and attack the living. It's hard for anyone to prove since no real zombies actually show their rotting faces during anytime in this painfully slow yawner. There is a little aftermath violence where we are witness to the slaughter of a research group, but that's about it in the gore department. Nothing gets resolved and the ending(?) features the strangest choice of sound effect I have ever seen in a horror film. As a die hard zombiphile, I rate this film as the worst zombie movie of all time. Perhaps the worst horror film of all time. Better yet, probably the worst film of all time. Please check out films directed by George Romero, Lucio Fulci, Lamberto Bava, or Jorge Grau for movies that actually have zombies in them.

Blood Harvest (1987)

Tiny Tim singing in the dark, nuff said.

[3/10 · 15 February 1999]

Extremely odd flick about a young woman (Itonia Salochek) who returns from college to discover that her parents are missing. Her neighbors are none other than preppy Dean West and his brother played by that lovable minstrel Tiny Tim, who may or may not know what has happened. Meanwhile, a masked killer slaughters whoever comes near the woman and just who it is becomes more and more obvious to the viewer past the first thirty minutes. Despite being notorious for Tiny Tim's one and only starring feature, this film is comprised mostly of hopeless time filler. Tiny Tim is fairly decent, however, as the creepy clown-faced weirdo who skulks around the farm. In fact it's his antics, Salochek's abundant nude scenes, and relatively realistic special effects which save this less than thrilling time waster. The only really effective scene is the opening sequence; featuring Tiny Tim squawking a tune in the dark. That's guaranteed to make your skin crawl in any film.

The Beyond (1981)

Fulci's masterpiece is by far one of the best Italian gore flicks of the eighties.

[9/10 · 15 February 1999]

A young woman, MacColl, inherits an old hotel in Louisiana which happens to be one of the "Seven Doors of Death" which is a gateway in and out of hell. After the hotel is reopened, several bizarre occurrences involving disappearing persons and brutal murders transpire. MacColl along with the help of physician Warbeck investigate to discover that the door to hell is open and the dead is walking the earth. This is a truly remarkable film, boasting superb cinematography and excellent gore effects. Fulci captures the eerie atmosphere and dark visions of hell in a horrifying climax that has never quite been matched by any other filmmaker. If possible, see this in it's original uncut and letterboxed state, it is absolutely one of the most beautifully visual horror films ever made. The haunting score is an excellent example of Fabio Fabrizzi's finer musical works. This is the best of Fulci's three great horror films (the others being The House by the Cemetary and the Gates of Hell) which all, coincidentally starred MacColl.

The Alien Dead (1980)

Oh no Fred Olen Ray - avoid at all costs!

[1/10 · 15 February 1999]

A meteorite lands in hick country turning the residents of a houseboat into blood-thirsty zombies who terrorize the locals. One of the worst movies I have ever seen with some atrocious production values (including hazy sound, often unfocused photography, and absolutely no close ups). You know, it's really too bad the original Flash Gordon (Buster Crabbe) has to appear in this trash late in his previously heroic career. Don't let the title lead you to believe that it's a cross between Alien and Night of the Living Dead. Avoid this turkey at all costs.

Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (1974)

This is perhaps the best zombie film of the post-Night of the Living Dead, pre-Dawn of the Dead era, ranking up there with some of the great horror films of the modern day.

[9/10 · 15 February 1999]

Whereas this may seem much like a British version of the Romero classic Night of the Living Dead, there is truly more to it than the simple imitation of NOTLD. The plot centers around two unlikely travelling companions, Lovelock and Galbo, one who wants to spend time away from the city and the other who is on a mission to see her soon to be committed sister. On the way they stop off at Manchester, whereupon Lovelock runs across some strange experimental farm equipment which causes the collapse of inferior nervous systems (to get rid of insects, pests, etc.) by emitting a hypersonic noise. While Lovelock gets directions from one of the local farmers, Galbo is attacked by a man who the townspeople say has been dead for days. The scenes that follow develop into an incredible adventure that involves a full-scale zombie hoard, a suspecting hippie-hating cop, a heroin addict sister accused of murdering her husband, and graphic gut-munching (of course). In fact, there's so much wrapped up in this film that it seems like we've watched three or four different movies in only a couple of hours. It must be mentioned that besides an intriguing premise that is expertly carried out to it's fullest, the acting is very good even though the performances are executed by some relatively unknown actors. Lovelock's character is very likable and has just the right amount of gullibility to make him believable. Galbo is attractive (in an English sort of way) and film veteran Arthur Kennedy is downright despicable, yet again very believable, as the narrow minded cop. Gianetto De Rossi did the special effects that are top notch even by today's standards. It's one of those films which start out slow on the violent side, but give it a little time-it gets candidly brutal at the very exciting (not to mention surprising) finale. It is a relatively unknown zombie film (for what reason I don't know), but it's well worth the effort in trying to locate it.