BENARES-2 Reviews

Stealth (2005)

Proof that not only planes drop bombs

[3/10 · 1 August 2005]

A bunker-buster has hit movie theaters this summer and its name is "Stealth". This doozie of a loser is yet another poorly-contrived predictable piece of flaptrap that Hollywood has decided to unleash on us all, and once again I am left wondering what moron greenlit something this bad.

I gave this film a 3; the sole reason this movie even gets a 3 from me is because it has some pretty entertaining visuals (it would be a 2 if it wasn't for the Jessica Biel swimsuit-sequence visuals) and the planes have a pretty nice design to them too. Unfortunately, that is where the pluses of Stealth end -- minuses abound as bad acting, lame plot points, confusing continuity (this movie exists in a time-warp, it seems), and plot devices so overused that a five-year-old would see what direction every scene was destined to take are barfed all over the screen (it was a rare scene where I didn't unenthusiastically drawl out "And now this is gonna happen... Yup, it happened..."). Plus every single combat-airplane movie ever made seems to rely solely on the "Maverick" character -- why does the Navy continue to hire pilots that outright refuse to listen to orders and then wonder why their superiors get mad at them later? So, on to the spoilers:

Once again mankind makes a machine it cannot control (or at the very least insulate properly from electricity), the machine goes haywire, some expendable character with no loved ones left behind dies in a completely pointless way (I'm looking at you, Ray Charles), the guy who commissioned the machine decides to become evil rather than lose a few bucks on his investment, the hero (involved in a convoluted and needless love-conundrum) doesn't play by the rules and yet wins against all odds and comes out a hero in the eyes of the world even though he essentially begins World War III (fortunately for him the credits start rolling before the nukes start flying), every piece of computer equipment present has an over-abundance of neon lights in it and loud sci-fi-sounding user interfaces), and the strong, independent female lead still needs to be rescued.

And of course all our collateral enemies are either Arabs who live in some made up country with lots of Y's, Z's, and a "stan" in the name, or North Koreans because they are the easy target nowadays (and those North Koreans who are brutally slaughtered by our heroes and leave their children orphans in this film are actually defending their own territory from invaders -- us!) So in the end, you would be well advised to spend your money on a far smarter investment, such as lotto tickets or on internet stock. But Stealth definitely isn't worth your cash.

War of the Worlds (2005)

Tom Cruise: the "Huh?" hero

[7/10 · 1 July 2005]

OK, first of all, War of the Worlds is an entertaining movie -- there are cool scenes and good visuals, and the aliens are just plain freaking mean. When their ships show up, you know something bad is going to happen. For that reason, this movie is worth watching. And of course, this movie is typically Speilburgian -- lots of interesting camera ambiance and tons of scenes of people looking at stuff instead of running for their lives like normal people would do (until it's too late, of course).

Tom Cruise on the other hand: you see him being pimped on practically every station and every talk show in order to build hype for the film, but when you actually see him on screen... Mr. Cruise's character is pretty-much a nobody, nothing really special about him. In fact, he's almost deliberately UN-special. Yet for some reason, he's always the first to notice stuff, the first to do anything, and always seems to want to be at the front of the crowd; it's like watching a kid beat a video game with the cheat codes when you know he's not really good at playing the game. If anyone should be shown on every talk show selling the movie it should be Dakota Fanning, the Lil' Drew Barrymore of her day.

Story-wise, this movie is almost identical to the original War of the Worlds (which I personally think is better), except that as fore-mentioned Cruise's character is a nobody that figures out things, whereas in the original the male lead was a leading scientist, which made more sense when he uncovered truths. I would have liked to see the alien vessels more in the movie, but when they did appear it was scary as heck.

All in all... Watch the movie with a friend if you just want to entertain yourselves for a night, but don't go in expecting revelations or to leave in some kind of awe.

Batman Begins (2005)

Better, but only because it's compared to the last two...

[6/10 · 17 June 2005]

Alright, I have to say that Batman Begins left the last two Schumaker productions in the dust, but let's face it: this isn't a hard thing to do with that kind of competition. I think people are so excited about this newest addition to the Batman family because we've all been so desperate to wipe our memories of Batman Forever and Batman & Robin that we'll overlook the bad to see the good.

Now don't get me wrong -- Batman Begins was fun to watch, and there were a lot of aspects that I enjoyed about this film: seeing Wayne take his first steps into becoming Batman, Michael Cain's performance as Alfred, and especially seeing Christian Bale get some real big-screen appreciation (Equilibrium was unfortunately very underrated, it's an excellent film if anyone gets a chance to rent it). It was grittier and darker than the last ones. Plus the Batmobile... We all know we want one of those now ^_^.

But there are so many things that were missing from this film too, things that were essential to who Batman is and the steps he took from day 1 to protect the innocent. In this version, the little boy who watched his parents die didn't make a vow that day to fight evil, the movie decided to make him wait until he had left Princeton. And his detective roots? All gone, probably my biggest disappointment in this movie -- come on, even _Adam West's Batman_ was a detective, for crying out loud! In the comics, Batman's deductive mind is one of the things Ra's Al Ghul respected so much about him, but in the film our hero is really little more than an impassioned, wealthy ninja who leaves the technical side to underlings. Speaking of ninjas, did we HAVE to have another "set off one explosive and the whole building proceeds to blow up" scene at the beginning? And why did Wayne Manor have no fire alarm or water sprinklers in it? Not to mention *spoiler ahead* how he dealt with his enemy at the end: "I'm not going to kill you, but I don't have to save you either", which equates to "I'm going to kill you and use a loophole to avoid responsibility for it". This is NOT Batman! I hate to use this as a comparison, but this Batman movie actually reminded me of that horrific Daredevil film that Affleck made not too long ago... Our hero doesn't beat the demons inside of himself through strength of his will and character, he only accomplishes it with the help of his girlfriend who doesn't respect those demons, i.e. "No sex for you until you stop being so revenge-driven".

Sorry, I would love to give this thing the full thumbs up, but it didn't go far enough. It used a lot of aspects of Frank Miller's Batman: Year One (who I worry didn't get any appreciation for his work since I never saw his name in the credits!) but mixed them in with a grittier-campiness. And the only real reason everyone is really cheering for it, sadly enough, is because it was better than the Kilmer/Clooney movies....

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)

Painful to watch, but in a good way!

[9/10 · 19 May 2005]

Got back from watching Episode 3 last night, and all I can say is woooooow..... Yeah, we're gonna get plenty of nay-sayers, but I think those are just going to be the people that are in love with saying how much they hate the new Star Wars trilogy, to be honest. I watched Revenge of the Sith and I have to say I had a great time! I won't give any spoilers away, but I will just say that don't plan on coming out of the theater all joyous and light-hearted at seeing this film, it's a Greek tragedy and we all know there's not going to be a happy ending on this one; it's pretty brutal to a point. But it's executed wonderfully as far as I'm concerned, far superior to the previous two films: it stands well as a lead-in to eps 4-6. My vote: thumbsup. Grab a friend and have a good time!

Alien Apocalypse (2005 TV Movie)

Another Sci-Fi channel winner (insert blaring sarcasm here)

[1/10 · 27 March 2005]

Okay, I have seen some major losers on the Sci-Fi Channel when it comes to original movies, but this probably takes the king of all cakes. Yet another post-apocalyptic feature where the women are all hot, nobody has skin blemishes, and somehow the aliens took over the world without any resistance at all (which is especially interesting since they never seem to fire their weapons in the whole movie)... The only reason I can see Bruce Campbell doing this is because a member of his family was held hostage or something, because there is no way he could have possibly looked at the script and said "This looks pretty solid." In fact, the only reason I could see this movie was made was because it preceded "Battlefield Earth" on the scheduling lineup: this movie was so bad, it makes Travolta's movie look like Spartacus by comparison. This extremely-pale ripoff of Army of Darkness isn't even funny in a spoofish kind-of way: plot holes abound (why is the President 58 years old if the earth was invaded 40 years ago?), and the clichés just make you want to throw yourself into a wheat thresher. Stay away from this movie if at all possible, folks.

The Stepford Wives (2004)

Only a Stepford wife could enjoy this film...

[3/10 · 12 June 2004]

When you're a brilliant creative nerd and have essentially turned your wife into a sexified robot, it gives a whole new meaning to the term "deus ex machina". Unfortunately, this is exactly what this awful movie relies on to move itself along. Plot holes big enough to shove the whole town of Stepford through abound, and when all was said and done I actual left the theater feeling utterly bored and wondering if I just watched a bad made-for-TV sitcom. The movie just rushes itself along, hoping you won't ask any questions or wonder just how the heck certain parts happened (the actual Stepford-ing process being foremost in my mind), which anyone with an IQ over 30 is going to have, and the ending is so appallingly lame and saccharine that you could only wish it ended at the same point as the original version did (which would be about 29 years ago). To summarize my opinions on this film: "bleh".

The Punisher (2004)

Punisher Lite: 1/3 the calories of the regular Punisher!

[5/10 · 17 April 2004]

Angst is not something that ever bothered the Frank Castle of the comics world. Marvel's recent string of heroes have simply been too angsty. Daredevil? Angst! The Punisher? Angst! Spiderman? Ang-- oh, wait, he's supposed to be that way... But anyhoo, this movie took a great concept and watered it down seriously. First off, Thomas Jane tried his best, but his severely lacked the menacing nature of the Punisher -- Frank Castle of the comics is an unstoppable meat-grinder when it comes to crooks, but the movie version just makes you want to yawn in comparison. Travolta's villain was just Travolta doing his usual schtick, and lacked any real threat-factor of any sort. Rebecca Romjin-Stamos is beautiful and gutsy, but the character from the comic is _neither_ of those things, so she just comes across as cliche. Spacker Dave and Mr. Bumpo were pretty darn good (though Bumpo must've been on the Subway diet for this film in comparison with his comic counterpart) and the Russian was a spot-on match (despite his lack of dialogue, which was unfortunately a big loss in character) -- the fight sequence between him and Frank is about 80% close to the comic's same scene. Overall, it's an ok film and has some funny parts to it, but doesn't seem like it really earned the R-rating and just seriously... lacks, for lack of a better term. If you have to get up to go to the bathroom in this film, don't worry: you won't miss much.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Thank you

[10/10 · 17 December 2003]

I could try to convey the sheer magnitude of this film, but there isn't really much more that can be said that would do it justice. Just a thanks to all those involved in the creation of the greatest film trilogy ever told, a thanks to bringing to life a world that has since passed into the lands beyond the seas and into our dreams along with Frodo, Gandalf, and the elves. I don't know if this story's closure can ever truly be captured in film again, for it was carried so masterfully to the big screen that anyone else would be hard pressed to best it. Perfect story, perfect closure. Thank you, to all those who told this tale with such uncanny brilliance.

Battlestar Galactica (2003)

Takes a little getting used to, but shows promise...

[7/10 · 10 December 2003]

Ok, I loved the original Battlestar Galactica. It was a fun series and that was that. And when I saw ads for this new one, I was very apprehensive. Could it be as entertaining as the old one? Well, since all the ads pretty much showed sex, sex, sex, I didn't see a lot of light at the end of the tunnel. But after watching it, I'd have to say this show does have the potential to be something really cool. It's not an identical rehash of the original series and indeed does have twists and some _very_ significant differences, while still following the primary plotline of the old show. No, I'm not fond of the fact that half the cast had their genders flipped, but I guess that's just part of stepping beyond its predecessor. The special effects and visuals are quite stunning, and I like the use of subtle sounds in space as opposed to the big booms of other sci-fi shows; while you can't have absolute vacuum silence, toning down the noise does add to the realism a little bit. There is entirely too much focus on the sexual aspect, I think, kind-of that 7-of-9 factor Voyager got sucked into, and the characters yell too much (reminds one of the god-awful movie Space Mutiny which used a lot of Battlestar Galactica footage) to emphasize their points. Other than that, I look forward to seeing what the stories develop into, as it has a great potential for growth and is off to a pretty nice start.

Titan A.E. (2000)

Not impressed...

[4/10 · 10 December 2003]

Well, I've seen a LOT of animated movies in my time, and this isn't going to stand out in my memory in the years to come. Yes, it had some nice special effects, and it SURE made use of that SDDS sound system, but overall I was not particularly impressed with Titan A.E. The animation was less than spectacular (it seems like Don Bluth studios always uses the same stock footage of someone moving as reference for animation, because in every movie you can easily predict how a character will move according to the situation), the 3D characters moved choppily, the 2D characters were so badly colored (Don Bluth doesn't believe in shading unless a VERY strong light is on the character or the character is frowning), and the story was abysmal (aliens blow up the Earth because we develop a technology that in the end poses absolutely no threat to them or gives any reason for them to fear us, and everything ends happily even though we only stop some of the aliens and the credits roll while I imagine scores more of them coming to kill us all). It's a little fun to watch, the 3D models were nice and kids will have a good time watching it (which is the sole reason I gave it a "4"), but if you're just a group of adults I suggest spending your cash on Shaft this weekend, instead.

Hulk (2003)

HULK SMASH! (and man, does he smash well!)

[9/10 · 27 June 2003]

Okay, this movie had a few holes in the plot, and there were some things I would've changed about the story, including choice of main villain. And Ang Lee used the comic-book-page transition effect a little too much.

That said, I came to see the Hulk in action, and MAN! Was I pleased! Yeah, he looked CG, but you know what? I didn't care! His mannerisms, his strength and power, his innocence... These were things the movie got perfect to a T! When the Hulk fought, the audience (myself included) cheered out loud. And with good reason! Here was the green giant himself, brought to life to the true extent of his power and being for the first time ever. Lou Ferigno had a fairly good as a powered-down made-for-TV Hulk, but this is a role that no "puny human" can truly play. The Hulk movie brought one of my favorite comicbook characters to life, and for that I give this movie two big green thumbs up!

Men in Black II (2002)

Actually made me sad...

[1/10 · 18 June 2003]

Yes, watching this movie did indeed make me sad. Though not because of anything plot-related in this stinking garbage bag of a movie : while the original MIB was camp and entertainingly silly, this movie was so abysmally bad that I was actually depressed after watching it, primarily due to the contemplation that I actually spent money on it. I have seen some stinker sequels in my time, ones that even bypass this movie on the Shame-o-meter, but this one certainly ranks high on the awful level. First off, let's start with Will Smith and how he appears throughout the whole movie like he couldn't even care less about reprising this role. It's like being led by a tour guide through a skull-numbingly boring museum exhibit, with Agent J walking us through the motions of just getting through the movie and getting the experience over with. Tommy Lee Jones shows up, and the producers actually expect us to find some form of amusement or lighthearted surprise that the tables have turned and Smith is now the alien-expert. Whoopie. None of the characters have any appeal whatsoever, none of the alien ideas are innovative or interesting, and experienced actors Smith and Jones look like they'd rather be having reconstructive dental surgery than be in this bomb. The plot is a mish-mash of last-second ideas with a lot of sudden "Oh, by the way, this is happening now"'s thrown in, all the while leaving us to scratch our heads or wonder if there was some advance reading we should have done before seeing it. And why the director thought it would be a good idea to focus on the alien sub-characters from the last movie so deeply I have no idea : JarJar proved that less is better, so the worms and the dog could have given us the same courtesy. Lastly, I know many people think it's funny for some odd and inexplicable reason, but I can only tolerate so much defamation against African-Americans before getting sick, even if it's coming from Will Smith himself : why does Hollywood think it's acceptable to make anti-black jokes? Does Mr. Smith really think it's a good idea to promote the stereotype that blacks are criminals or car thieves? Is he such a desperate sellout? As you can see, I have many, many reasons to feel sad after watching this pathetic film, and if you see it you will too.

Dreamcatcher (2003)

Oh Lord, where to begin...

[1/10 · 8 April 2003]

In the great tradition of directorial visionaries such as Roger Corman and Bert I. Gordon, there now follows Lawrence Kasdan -- ah, MST3K, why did you have to go off the air when films like Dreamcatcher continue to somehow get greenlighted to this day, providing you with more fuel for your irreverant engines? Ok, in a nutshell : next to the verb "suck" in the dictionary will now appear the movie poster to Dreamcatcher. This film, which was a bad, bad, VERY bad amalgamation of Stand by Me/The Thing/Scanners/Flatliners/Outbreak/Rain Man/Independence Day, and has about as much to do with actual dreamcatchers as the movie Aliens had to do with Native America, provides the audience with a cast of "heroes" too stupid to literally stay on a toilet seat for five minutes to save their life (you think I'm kidding, don't you...). Plot points abound where you wonder if perhaps you should have gotten a pamphlet in advance of the screening to explain what the heck certain things mean (or perhaps the director figured the audience will have more fun making up certain things in the story, kind-of like a Mad Lib!), and speaking of plot points it would be nice if the director stuck with one instead of, oh, forty-three seperate storylines. Danny Bonaduce's (I'm sorry, I mean Damian Lewis') portrayal of John Cleese (I'm sorry, I mean Evil Alien Species) was just plain goofy, and you have to wonder why the villains didn't just outright kill certain cast members, as I'm sure the audience would have been happy to do the dirty deed if they could. Unfortunately, the 1000-word limit for these reviews prevents me from writing a doctorate-length thesis on the awfulness-level of this film (I say "film" only because other 4-letter words aren't allowed), so I'll just leave you with this : watch Dreamcatcher and you too will realize you can immolate your crotch in a campfire and then miraculously heal seconds later.

Oh, and the Animatrix was cool. Very cool. Watch it, then leave : you'll be glad you did.

Eight Crazy Nights (2002)

On a scale from 1 to 10, I give it negative 1 billion...

[1/10 · 1 December 2002]

Wow, I haven't walked out of a movie in a loooooooong time. This movie was just so utterly abysmally bad, I couldn't stomach more than the first half hour (and I'm an MST3K fan, I'm quite used to bad movies). It's nice that Adam Sandler can commit excessive felonies, flagrant destruction of property, assault, and other breaches of the law, and be sentenced (as a repeat offender, mind you) to community service as a basketball coach. Even the REAL justice system isn't that screwed up! And of course there's the pants peeing, the old woman with three breasts, the midget who has repeated seizures and it's considered funny, especially when Sandler steps on his chest... That really puts me in the spirit of the Holidays (and undoubtedly the trite, idiotic ending would be that Sandler learns a valuable lesson, probably through the love of a woman that completely ignores what a jerk he is, and changes his ways, like he does in all his movies...). The thing that saddens me the most is that some studio executive actually saw fit to greenlight this piece of garbage : "He smashes cars and steals Christmas presents? It's gold!"

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

At least it was better than "Steel"...

[1/10 · 18 January 2002]

... and that's the only good thing I can say about this film. Are you really supposed to root for the monster in a "scary" movie? I was desperately hoping he'd put those two idiot teenagers out of my misery sooner than he did, I'm very disappointed in the Creeper. See, when I see something happening, like, say, a monster that is immortal hunting me down or walking towards me or eating a decapitated cop, I like to run for my life. The wonder-twins here like to stare at the impending horror with their mouths and eyes agape and then proceed to argue about stupid brother-sister things, instead. I wish these teens in horror movies would stop buying their cars from "Gear Shifts Don't Work 'R Us" or "Car Won't Start 'R Us", it may be a little more pricey from other dealers but I guarantee it'll help in the long run. Look, this movie stank. That's all that really needs to be said. If you think this movie was innovative, clever, or surprising, then you REALLY need to get out of the house more or watch some other movies or open your eyes and expose yourself to the world around you. The ending wasn't clever or surprising, the monster wasn't scary, and every time there was a level of silence I wasn't jumping out of my chair when something/someone "unexpectedly" jumped onto the scene. Oh, and I love the fact that after the horror is complete at the end the police station the whole fiasco took place in was back up and running like nothing happened even though every cop there saw another cop get his heart torn out by the big bad monster. Way to go, America's Finest!

Epoch (2001 TV Movie)

Ah, the days of evil empires and other crap

[1/10 · 25 November 2001]

Ah, the old days when movies were really, really bad. No, wait, this was made this year... Hmm, wow, I didn't think a movie about the great American dream versus the Evil Empire (tm)(c) could hold water -- no longer the evil U.S.S.R, now it gets to be China. Nor one of those shows about how the evil alien which is about to kill everyone in the world and suddenly learns to love us because some w****r scientist kisses some gal in the heat of the moment, and leaves despite the fact that it's been shot full of holes by missles and been exposed to nothing but a constant stream of violence from the majority of the "dominant" human population (remember, we are great, while dinosaurs sucked!). Or one where the military so predictably wants to blow up the thing-we-don't-understand with a nuke ordered by a panicked President even though the resident scientist (who's of course a totally smug jerk) says not to. How do these awful movies keep getting made?? Isn't it possible for someone to present a good, non-predictable plotline to a Hollywood producer and actually have it made? Sigh, not going to happen, I guess...

Planescape: Torment (1999 Video Game)

Took my breath away.

[10/10 · 11 March 2000]

I won't comment too long here -- I've already seen enough praise from other posted comments that perfectly mimc what I think of this great game. I will say, though, that I have been an AD&D Planescape fan since it first showed up, and was totally amazed by the incredible ability to create its unique architectual, character, and overall art style into this 3D masterpiece. It was loads of fun, was chock-full of wonderful elements in RPG and story sense, and I can only hope for more and more of the same. My ONLY disappointment was that you don't get to venture out to more planes of reality, but they have to leave SOMETHING for the sequel, eh ^_~?

Mission Hill (1999–2002)

Poorly animated show -- 'nuff said

[26 February 2000]

I've only seen sparse parts of this show which I have no doubt never lasted far past its pilot-stage, but it was a VERY poorly animated show in which one brother who has begun to really feel like he's fitting into his niche in the city has to take in his younger brother who is a complete and total spaz and proceeds to make his older brother's life miserable. All I can say is after the huge ad campaign that the WB channel put out for this show at the time I am absolutely happy that it went nowhere; maybe the plot might have been more digestible if the show's animation wasn't so disgustingly awful to watch.

Tarzan (1999)

The best Disney movie I've seen in ages

[10/10 · 21 June 1999]

When I first saw the ad for this movie, I was totally breathless at the fantastic animation shown -- could they keep it up for the entirety of the movie, I asked myself. Also in the forefront of my mind was the nasty habit Disney had shown to me over the past eight years of providing beautiful animation but tremendously bad story, so I was expecting more of the same. And then I saw this movie. Yes, they certainly proved they could keep up the adrenaline-pumping animation for the full length of the feature. And more amazingly, this story was great! It was extremely enjoyable, with very little of the kid-i-fied scenes that made "Hercules" a sickening experience for me. It actually seemed more adult-oriented than many other American animated features I had seen, and yet did a good job of not being gory or horrifically violent. The fact that this movie was not a musical like every other Disney movie was a welcome break, too. Overall, a great show for all ages (I mean it)! Go see it!

Steel (1997)

I've seen Steel and I'll never recover.

[1/10 · 30 March 1999]

I've never seen a movie as bad as this one. A few come close, but none have the power to topple "Steel". First off, when are people going to realize most athletes can't act, ESPECIALLY Shaq?? The effects are not-so-special, and are in fact quite terrible, which is ironic because so is the plot, the acting, and generally everything else in this so-called movie (read : vehicle to make some money off Shaq's name). I think the director and producer deliberately wanted to insult the audience with this tremendous piece of crap.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

That's two hours of my life I'll never get back...

[1/10 · 30 March 1999]

Bad, bad, BAD! If I hadn't seen "Steel" it would rank as the worst movie I'd ever seen. The story is terrible, erratic, and mindless to say the least. The special effects are bad beyond redemption, the acting is stilted and amateurish (even for a video-game adaption movie!), and the action sequences are boring and uninteresting (and that's supposed to be the _meat_ of this "story"). Save yourself some money and don't see it, even if it's playing free on television -- you'll at least keep down your electrical bill.