cLoNe Reviews

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

Chainsaw? Check. Texas? Check. Massacre? Nope.

[1/10 · 27 July 2001]

This movie was written and directed by the co-writer of the original movie, Kim Henkel. So I expected this movie to be at least half as good as the first one, but sadly it is just a bad movie.

Henkel remade some scenes from the original movie, but did none of them any better. All the good bits from this movie were already done better in the first movie. The absence of blood maybe satisfied the BBFC and the MPAA, but was a real slap in the face for the fans of the first movie. Why would anyone want to see this blood-free movie when the gorey and bloody original movie is available? A sequel must break new ground to justify its existence, not paddle backward.

The most outrageous thing that really p****d me off was the fact that in this movie there is NO chainsaw massacre. The bodycount is very low and no one is either killed or wounded by a chainsaw.

The previous movies in the series were really bloody and inventive, and therefore shocking. This movie is like Chainsaw-light or "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre for dummies". A real shame.

Even good actors like Renée Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey can't save this movie. Zellweger's performance felt fake as hell and McConaughey's psycho also seemed fake and over the top.

Yet another problem is the lack of realism. Zellweger's character jumps from panicky mode to action hero mode to can't-really-act-scared mode. McConaughey's character cuts himself with his knife, but doesn't seem to bleed at all except for a thin strip of blood.

All in all, you can watch this movie. If you are a big fan of the series you will feel compelled to. Just don't do the mistake I did and buy it. It is simply a bad bad movie.

Jurassic Park III (2001)

Fantastic and exciting.

[10/10 · 23 July 2001]

After the somewhat disappointing LOST WORLD, the latest installment in the Jurassic Park series is a delightful surprise, and I say latest because according to the incredible success there will be at least one more movie in this series. If it's going to be as much fun as this one, I wouldn't mind a few more sequels. The Jurassic Park concept is a fresh source for many exciting stories if you just find the right spin. JP3 found it.

The movie makes sense and the plot works quite well. The relationships between the characters are quite cliche, especially the divorced couple who joins forces to rescue their child and by doing so they rekindle their love. But it works. The cast is superb and you really care for those character (in fact, it's not hard to figure out quite early on in the movie who's cannon fodder and who's going to survive).

The dinosaurs are great looking as usual, but the thrills are also exciting and original. We are even treated to a brief fight between two big dinosaurs and some new dinosaurs species that were featured in the original book, but were absent from the first two movies.

I only think that the climax could have slightly more... Er... Climatic, and considering how frightening the evil dinosaurs are, it's a bit of a shame that the movie is not really scary or gorey.

But it doesn't change the fact that the movie is an excellent thriller for people who want to see dinosaurs trying to eat people.

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

The worst in the series, but still a fun movie.

[8/10 · 22 July 2001]

The Lost World has some really great suspenseful scenes in it and fantastic dinosaurs effects. That alone makes it worth seeing. It also has tons of flaws. Mostly annoying flaws.

The violence and horror are even more toned down from the first movie to an unrealistic level and the movie is flooded with plot devices, especially the forced and clumsy attempt to set up a scene where *spoilers* -------- a T-Rex goes on a rampage in a city.

It is definitely worth viewing for the plenty of great thrills in this movie, but a great movie it is not.

Jurassic Park (1993)

A great thrill ride.

[10/10 · 22 July 2001]

The groundbreaking computer generated dinosaurs are only one aspect that makes this movie so cool. An engrossing bizarre plot about men playing God and fantastic action-adventure scenes make this movie really exciting and enjoyable.

It is a mixture of many great ingredients: horror, action, comedy, thriller, suspense. And everything is directed with great efficiency by Spielberg.

I read the book before I saw the movie and I was disappointed to see the horror and the violence toned down so much, as well as missing some of the dinosaurs that didn't make it through the adaptation (though the "missing" dinosaurs were finally introduced in JP3). But I wasn't THAT disappointed.

It's simply enjoyable. It's like one big roller coaster ride. It is a bit formulaic, but also inventive and very well done.

The Iron Giant (1999)

A giant classic!

[10/10 · 22 June 2001]

The Iron Giant is a fantastic animated classic.

The story has a big heart with wonderful characters. The friendship between the kid and the robot is handled perfectly. The clever combination of smooth 2D animation with 3D animation create an attractive world of fantasy. The attention to detail is impressive and is why this movie is so engrossing.

The heart of the movie is covered with enough muscles: many genuinely hilarious moments and a climatic action packed finale.

A fantastic must-see must-own movie. There's nothing out there like the Iron Giant.

--MB

Valentine (2001)

Excellent slasher.

[10/10 · 21 June 2001]

It's a colorful slasher movie. That's about it.

It has the mystery element that SCREAM made so popular in slasher movies, but I never care for such things. Figuring out who's the bad guy is not that interesting considering the clues are all misleading anyway.

The death scenes were inventive and gorey, bringing back memories of 80's horror movies like Friday the 13th.

Another nice thing about this movie is that it's hard to pinpoint the surviving girl, unlike in SCREAM and IKWYDLS where it was obvious.

People who don't like slasher movies won't like this movie. As simple as that. I truly enjoyed it and I plan to watch it again while waiting for more of the same.

--MB

The Mummy Returns (2001)

A worthy sequel

[9/10 · 21 June 2001]

More of the same. If you liked the first Mummy you'd enjoy the second one.

Most of the faces are the same, but the new plot takes them in a different direction. Nothing brilliant, but it serves as a good excuse for a variety of cool scenes in cool locations.

I think I liked the first movie better, but this movie has a few wonderful scenes that make it hard to decide which Mummy movie is better.

They are both great popcorn movies, I suppose.

The only thing that really bothered me was Freddie Boath who plays the little cute/annoying kid. The problem was that he was more annoying than cute, as a well as an incredibly bad actor. I was not surprised to see that his mother is a producer in his IMDB profile. Oh well...

--MB

Cherry Falls (1999)

Eh... Where's the horror?

[6/10 · 21 June 2001]

I love slasher movies and I really tried to enjoy Cherry Falls. And I did enjoy it a >little< - because there was so >little< suspense.

There are very few thrilling scenes and they are all painfully short. How can you have suspense if the scenes are over so quickly? The end result is long boring horror-free teen-movie scenes with a short bloody climax.

It wasn't the body count that bothered me, it was simply the short scenes. 10 extra minutes of suspense would have made this movie much better.

--MB

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)

The quality of a direct-to-video B movie.

[1/10 · 21 June 2001]

I didn't have many expectations for this movie. I only played the second game in the series and I thought a Tomb Raider movie could be fun.

The bad reviews didn't bother me. Pearl Harbor and Godzilla got bad reviews and I enjoyed those movies for what they were. But I didn't expect it to be THIS BAD.

I slightly enjoyed only a couple of scenes, but the rest of the movie was boring, stupid and BORING. No tension, no plot twists, NOTHING. The action scenes didn't have anything new. We've seen it all before done much better.

Some special effects were nice, but not spectacular. It really felt like watching a direct-to-video movie. BAD, BAD, BAD. Angelina Jolie is a great actress, but even she failed to save the movie. She looks fake and even slightly annoying in this idiotic mess. The script writers should be banned from Hollywood. I'm not kidding.

--MB

Unbreakable (2000)

A bit slow, but has quite a few good moments.

[8/10 · 11 February 2001]

When talking about this movie, it's hard to avoid a comparison to the Sixth Sense, because of the same team of director/writer-lead actor.

But the fact is, it's a pretty different movie with a whole different theme. I thought the movie was slightly too slow paced, but there were quite a few moments in the movie that I liked. Some were funny, some were dramatic and some were thrilling.

It's yet another good movie with a cool twist from Mr. Shyamalan who excels in creating touching and moving moments in unusual situations.

The Invader (1997)

Painfully cliche`.

[1/10 · 10 February 2001]

The movie's premise is spooky: a woman gets pregnant when kissed by a stranger in a bar.

But as soon as the movie begins, a horrible opening scene establishes that this is a C type Sci-Fi TV movie. It's a big Star Trek and a bit X-files, but more than anything else it's boring.

When the movie kicks into action everything is predictable and cliche. It looked more like a 2 parter in a bad Sci-Fi TV series. No suspense and no thrills, but not for a lack of trying. Just a lot of predictable dramatic conflicts between the main characters.

Don't waste your time.

The Perfect Nanny (2001 TV Movie)

Quite good.

[10/10 · 4 February 2001]

Just like in THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE, the movie centers on a psycho nanny who'd do anything to keep her secret. And as people get suspicious, the bodycount begins and the walls close on the psycho nanny, leading to the invertible final climax.

But here the motivation is different: it's not revenge, it's just pure madness and the main character's need to be loved "just like in the books".

This movie never soars to incredible heights of suspense or originality, but it keeps the viewer interested, mostly due to the superb cast.

It's definitely worth viewing. I liked it as a little snack. Not much more.

Innerspace (1987)

A classic Sci-Fi adventure.

[10/10 · 27 January 2001]

The premise is ingenious: a man injected into the body of another man. Brilliant!

The movie itself is crammed with wonderful twists and special effects. *Sigh* They just don't make them like this anymore. Great plot, great characters and a neat ending.

I've seen this movie when it was quite young and I've just seen it again. It's still great! If you didn't see it yet, you really should!

Toy Story 2 (1999)

As great as the first movie was, the sequel is even better

[10/10 · 16 January 2001]

I went to see this movie at a late show in a cinema packed with adults. I don't remember when was the last time a I heard adults laughing, cheering and stomping their feet with such excitement. For an hour and a half we were all kids again.

The fast paced action adventures goes through a variety of locations and it's all done in the most energetic and exciting way. You could see that the makers of the movie put their heart into it.

And the animation? It just got better.

As long as Pixar can keep up this quality, they can make as many Toy Story sequels as they wish!

Gladiator (2000)

A spectacular epic with a not-so-spectacular script

[6/10 · 15 January 2001]

The action scenes are spectacular. Men wearing bizarre costumes and armed with inventive weapons try to slash and dice each other. Very entertaining and colorful.

The plot on the other hand is not that exciting. Nothing new there. The same old characters and the same old conflicts. The script is decent enough to connect the action scenes.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Quite nice.

[10/10 · 15 January 2001]

Jim Carrey is good as usual, and even though there are quite a few "Jim Carrey moments", it's definitely not a "Jim Carrey movie".

It's targeted mostly at children, and I managed to enjoy it as such movie. It was promoted in Israel as another Jim Carrey movie, so those who expected a weird over the top comedy were disappointed.

The movie has nice moments and works well as a movie for kids. I can't say I LOVED this movie, but then again I'm not its target audience!

The Bone Collector (1999)

The Yawn Collector

[1/10 · 15 January 2001]

A formulaic story with all the tired cliches. I was shocked that the horrible script became a movie! What a waste! How many ORIGINAL scripts are scattered around without being produced?

At the climax I could predict what will happen in every single shot.

Oh, and don't even get me started about the idiotic sexual tension between the gorgeous female cop and the paralyzed cop who can barely move a finger. YEAH RIGHT. I CAN BUY THAT. What next? Fingers porn?

Return of the Living Dead II (1988)

A very clever sequel

[10/10 · 15 January 2001]

This is the first movie in the RETURN OF series that I've seen. I was about 10 at the time and I just loved this movie. I've recently seen it again back to back with the first movie.

The movie was done in a way that you don't have to see the first movie to understand it, but you enjoy it more if you did.

The story here wasn't as great as the one in the first movie, but it's still an excellent horror tale. Some little touches, like the 2 "resurrected" characters from the first film and the Michael Jackson joke make this movie an original classic.

Zombies kick ass! And eat brains! Braaaaaaaainssss!

The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Wonderful zombie mayhem

[10/10 · 15 January 2001]

This movie is really low budget and some of the special effects look quite fake, but then again not too fake. It just makes the movie more fun and cheesy.

The plot is quite clever with some interesting twists. This movie's strength lies in the excellent script. Though the movie is quite funny, there are quite a few spooky dark moments. Many things happen in this movie, one great exciting moment after the other.

I love zombie movies and this one is one of the best.

The Smurfs (1981–1989)

THE animated series of my childhood

[15 January 2001]

There's no competition there. This is THE series of my childhood. I considered myself the biggest fan ever. I bought every kind of Smurfs merchandise I could afford and even dressed up as Papa Smurf at Purim (the Jewish equivalent of Halloween).

The series was cute without pushing it. The Smurfs were charming and adorable. The storyline were child friendly, but still clever and inventive. I will never forget my favorite episode where a spooky mosquito bites a smurf and turns him to a purple zombie who then bites other smurfs, turning them all to zombies one by one. It was quite spooky and the climax was better than many horror-thriller movies I've seen. Classic magical stuff.

*Sigh* Today's series are either too quirky or too mushy.

Red Planet (2000)

Stale and boring

[1/10 · 14 January 2001]

This movie has everything a fun sci-fi movie should have: Killer bugs, a lethal robot, hostile enviroment and more. What it doesn't have is the glue to hold it all together. With all of the exciting things in it, there's almost no suspense at all and everything is done in the most boring way possible. Everytime a threat appeared I got excited and hoped that the action adventure will finally kick off, but every threat was resolved in an anemic anti-climatic fashion. Boooring.

Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000)

Worth watching for horror fans.

[10/10 · 14 January 2001]

Horror movie fans will enjoy this movie. It's not great, but it has some really nice moments in it. One of the very first murder scenes is spooky and disturbing, but after that the movie just falls apart. There's suspense, but no real pay off for the suspense. It's a little snack for horror movies fans, nothing more.

Vertical Limit (2000)

Excellent thriller

[10/10 · 14 January 2001]

From the very first scene, Martin Campbell proves to be an excellent director for this type of movie. A thrilling edge of the seat thriller, that also has a decent plot with intriguing characters. I can go into specific scenes and explain why they were so great and why I think they were done so perfectly, but that will just ruin the movie. Just watch it. Satisfaction guaranteed.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Boriiing!

[1/10 · 14 January 2001]

I was horrified when I watched this movie. Horrified that such a boring, stale movie could be so popular. The idea of not showing the horror and letting the audience imagine it was not done well. There was just not enough to work up my imagination. What I did see was unbelievable and silly. I sticked around with the horrible "artistic" shots, hoping that the climax will be better, but there's no climax. The movie just ends... At least it ends...

The Perfect Storm (2000)

Not a perfect movie (I feel so clever saying that)

[3/10 · 14 January 2001]

Ship goes up a wave, ship goes down a wave. Not a bad movie, but also not a brilliant one. The characters are quite interesting, but there's not enough action adventure. After all, there's only that much you can do with a bunch of men on a little boat. It also takes a long time until the actual storm begins. As a drama it does work, but as an action adventure movie it almost fails. Besides, I'm not too crazy about movies that take place at sea. Seeing all that water for 2 hours makes me wanna go to the bathroom...