spooky_trix Reviews

Barbie: Fairytopia (2005 Video)

for a movie made to sell toys...

[6/10 · 16 May 2005]

This movie isn't actually as bad as you would think. I dreaded this movie all the way home from the video store (where my 2 year old insisted that we rent this movie), thinking a movie about barbie has got to be horrible. But I was pleasantly surprised. The movie actually follows somewhat of a coherent plot. The animation is above average for these direct to video movies. The characters are of course beautiful, but they are also pretty well fleshed out for a 60 minute long movie. Of course after seeing this my daughter wanted to immediately run out and buy an Elina doll. However, for those of you who aren't excited about buying Barbie dolls due to the sexist and perfectionist attitude taken making the dolls can rest assured that the dolls are at least mythical fairies, and therefore can't help being perfect. Or whatever, just buy your daughter the dolls already. Okay so maybe the movie did make me want to buy the dolls, but like I said it was a pretty good movie for what it is!

Showboy (2002)

christopher guest this ain't

[26 August 2004]

What? That's the question I kept asking myself while watching Showboy. I thought I was in for a great satirical mockumentary in the christopher guest tradition. What I got was an unfunny, depressing, and at times, boring movie full of gay stereotypes. Why in the world movies made by gay men have to be full of stereotypes still is beyond me. You want to know some of them? Okay lets go: Christian lives with numerous "roommates" most of which lisp. Multiple choice time, Christian gets fired from his job and tries to find work as a (a) construction worker (b) office professional (c) auto mechanic (d) vegas chorus dancer. Duh the answer is d! Christian is obsessed with the tiny itty bitty amount of extra skin he has in his mid section. Christian insists on wearing white socks and shorts. Do I have to go on? The other main annoyance was how mean spirited the whole movie was. Guest can take characters and basically tear them apart, making fun of them the whole way, but there is this over the top jest to the proceedings that make it funny, not harsh. This movie has a gritty voyeuristic quality to it that makes the constant failure of Christian and the impossibly cool nature of the documentary crew (example time, Christian pours his heart out telling the crew that the only reason he lets them follow him around is because he'd feel so empty and lonely without them, they continue letting him believe they are actually trying to film a nice documentary about him and his script) really really hard to take. I chuckled a few times, mostly during early scenes of an inappropriately attired Christian learning to dance, but mostly I sat through the whole thing tempted to turn it off and watch something else. .5 out of 10 stars

Dagon (2001)

uxia!

[28 July 2004]

*spoilers will abound*

The first time I rented Dagon, I had read lots of reviews written by people who I thought knew lovecraft. Needless to say, I wasn't expecting much. Well apparently 90% of the people saying they are such big lovecraft fans have never really read any of his works. Sure its cool to say cthulu, and necronomicon, but please don't pretend you know anything about lovecraft when it is so obvious you don't. Dagon was an awesome movie. In fact I only have two complaints and I'll list them right now:

1. Paul/Pablo was a wee bit annoying. I didn't like how he talked to himself so much, and he had an amazingly dumb accent. It sounded like a cross between new york, coast of main, and English. I think he was trying to pull off a new england accent, but I've lived here all my life, and I have never heard anyone talk like you!

2. The movie was really really gory (given the subject matter, I mean we are dealing with gods and fish creatures, not Michael Meyers). I know the director is famous for gory movies, but this movie didn't really need any gore. In fact the whole atmosphere is so gritty and grim up until they let loose with the face lift scene, the gore just seemed over the top.

But other than those two unpleasantries, Dagon is a great movie. Yes I have to agree that the tentacular people were out of place, since Shadow over Innsmouth just had fishy/froggy people. But I can forgive that since the movie seemed to be a conglomerate of many different facets of lovecraftian mythos. I just don't think anything would scream lovecraft without tentacles, and lets face it given today's youth, I'd be surprised if they'd even know who lovecraft was in the first place.

I just loved the whole Uxia/Pablo dream thing, and I can't stop joking about how lucky Pablo is, I mean not only does he get to sleep with a half octopus, but she's also his sister, dude the only thing hotter than that would be if he had two sisters to screw! Sick sick sick, bad spooky, bad!

Some people have commented on a lack of a score, I guess maybe you need your hearing fixed. Most of the movie's soundtrack is variations on the ea ea chtulu f'tagn chant! It really gave an unworldly feel to the movie.

Finally, let me just say this, innsmouth is my favorite lovecraft tale, and I was disappointed they showed so much right off, but this was so obviously another take on the whole thing, I'm willing to forgive and forget.

4.5 out of 5, possibly the best direct to video movie I have ever seen!

Troll (1986)

enter the magical land of harry potter and harry potter jr

[29 July 2003]

I'm not commenting about the wrong movie, this is definately troll. Very funny now, i dare you not to laugh every time someone introduces himself as either harry potter or harry potter jr. When i was younger, i was terrified at the thought of an evil troll. Sesame Street is scarier than this movie. So what makes this movie so great?

Besides the aforementioned harry potter laugh,

1. the troll chorus. absolutely out of place, but there is a big musical number halfway through the movie 2. that chick from seinfeild in nothing but ivy and dirt. 3. midgets get more respect from denziens of the underworld than from normal humans. 4. a mushroom that is beyond cute. 5. a totally contrived script: for instance the witch starts off basically being annoyed at harry potter jr, then voila! she's his best friend. egads! 6. a family who thinks its normal for their sweet daughter to growl instead of talk, but has a problem with her bringing home disabled individuals.

by the end of this movie, you will either be bored to tears, or you'll realize how pathetic this movie is, and probably you thought it was really scary when you were a kid, and now realize how stupid you were

The Vanishing (1988)

hmm...

[2 July 2003]

spoilers aplenty!

sure this film has a great twist ending, which no matter what you will not expect. I knew the ending was supposed to be pretty disturbing, but not what it was.

Anyways, i have to say this movie pretty much failed with me for only one reason. The bad guy was way more sympathetic than the good guy. It was hard to feel any sort of dread coming into the final scenes. We knew he kidnapped Saskia, but the scenes featuring his planning of said kidnapping was just way too funny. It almost seemed like an episode of america's dumbest criminals or some other fox crap. and then the good guy acts like such a jerk most of the time that I really had a hard time feeling bad for him. I mean i wouldn't have been suprised if we find out saskia had just decided to leave him.

And the ending was somewhat of a letdown. I was glad to see the old be careful what you wish for deal, but I really was suspecting something completely over the top. Like that old urban legend where the wife disappears on the honeymoon and is found years later horribly disfigured working in a freak show. Or something. It was just too downbeat, but then again the ending was suprising, and that was good too i supose.

Oh well. If you are a fan of horror movies, do not buy into the thought that this is a nail biting suspense movie that will disturb you as many proclaim. You've probably seen it all already. But for the easily shocked, or fans of tame art cinema, or people who enjoy watching agatha christie movies, this will probably be a really disturbing movie.

6 out of 10

Dracula II: Ascension (2003 Video)

first fifteen very good, after that.....blah

[4/10 · 30 June 2003]

the movie opens with a beautiful lady in a tattered white gown running through a stereotypical eastern european town. we know she's being followed by something, because she keeps looking behind her. and soon we see she's being chased by a mysterious man in a black trenchcoat. then we realize that the man is actually the vampire hunter and he is after her. but look is that her reflection in the store window??? no its just her identical twin vampire! but unfortunately they both get it.

after this brilliant and amazingly fun throwback to the old hammer films of the 60's and 70's (in the credits the twins are listed as the twins of evil, which of course is the name of the final instalment in hammer's karnstein trilogy), the plot pretty much dies.

What little plot there is involves dracula (who conveniently changes his appearance each time he is reborn, so the producer doesn't have to rehire the same dracula) coming to a morgue, the med students realizing he's undead and thinking....wow what an opportunity, maybe i'll just disregard all those movies that say that drinking vampire blood turns you into a vampire and use the vampire's blood to find a cure for our jerk friend's ailment. obviously this is a mistake and everyone becomes a vampire.

A new concept but pulled off excruciatingly badly. The movie keeps setting up wonderful situations and refuses to do anything with them.

For example the med students attempt to bring drac back to life by placing him in a bathtub filled with blood in a secluded run down country mansion. The house itself is scary enough to be the center of the film, but do we stay there? no because they decide to take the vampire to an abandoned swimming pool. sigh. This movie has a real problem with "homages" as i mentioned before the opening scene is straight out of hammer, and this house scene would have been perfect for a hammer-like movie, but the movie rapidly switches gears and changes to a medical horror.

The other problem is that they introduce so many characters it is almost impossible to feel sorry for any of them. There are the med students and their wheelchair bound professor-type "friend" the med students are all: arrogant, boring, money hungry, and stupid. how they made it to med school at all amazes me, unless the med school had to meet its muscle bound hunk/big breast quota. and then there is the vampire hunter who remains mysterious through the movie. hey i can respect that but it would be nice if they didn't set it up like the movie would be about him. then you have random priests, cops, and science types. so many people are introduced and then quickly forgotten about until they need that person to either save the day or jump out for a cheap scare that it becomes quickly tedious.

Basically this is a lazy movie. no real scares, just a few predictable jump scares. The set up for these is so elaborate it is hilarious. for examp le the bathtub full of blood. it is so obvious that drac is going to pop out of the murky blood. and yet we have to wait far too long to get to the inevitable jump scare. after this he kills one of the dumber and larger breasted med students. we all know she's going to become one of the undead. but what do the others do? bury her in a shallow grave near the house. sigh, so you know who will jump out at you when the cops show up at the house..........

Oh well.

Maybe someone will get the hint that it is impossible to make a scary vampire movie and just go for atmospheric, and then we will end up with an entire movie that is as good as the opening scene.

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism (1967)

dubbing and cutting

[28 April 2003]

the version of this movie that i saw was so heavily edited and dubbed that it takes away from the movie. however, the movie still managed to entertain me tremendously.

there are wonderful sets (the hall of skulls, the endless castle corridors, the on location villages, and the forest) and striking uses of color. There are some really tense scenes (the snake pit) and some haunting images (the hanging corpses).

however, with so much editing and poor dubbing, most of the story gets lost. granted i was presented with the really interesting parts, the story was never boring, but i felt we needed a bit more exposition.

other than that, the only gripes i have with the movie is the lack of explanations.

i got the impression while the coachman was driving he was only imagining the bodies in the trees and the corpses on the road, because he doesn't get scared until he sees....three black crows. But the movie doesn't bother to tell us that. The other problem i have is with the black riders. were they the guys who were hanging later on? this is never explained either.

And then there is the lack of good special effects. I said before the snake pit scene was tense, and yes it is, noone wants her to fall, but the pit has about five or six black snakes in it. better effects would have had the entire pit swarming with hundreds of different snakes. and the laboratory scene was pretty cheesey too, just various liquids bubbling and steaming.

all negative points aside this movie is really really entertaining. like i said, it is never boring. the reviewers who compared it to bava are correct, it is very similar to his style. the other reviewer who said the movie feels evil was also correct. the entire movie seems to have been shot in hell. and perhaps that is what this movie is all about, hell, or nightmares.

when the movie is over, i was left with questions, but i was still pleased. i can only imagine what the uncut original is like. Anchor Bay, if you are reading, this is a prime candidate for you!

View from the Top (2003)

cute throwback to eighties exploitation epics...

[24 March 2003]

Now I know there was a ski school and summer school, but was there a stewardess school? probably. Anyways this movie is really cute. You won't come out of the movie any wiser for having seen it, or any more in touch with "what the people were trying to say" or any crap like that. You will, however, come out smiling, or at least saying something like, well that was cute, or something positive. Believe me, in these dark days of war, the world needs pure sugar coated fluff! I will admit this movie had flaws. I almost suspect that the romatic angle of the film was written in later, probably when paltrow was signed up to do the film, because those scenes seem a little forced, and i could have seen the movie being entirely about donna dealing with being a royalty express flight attendant, and subsequently finding out that what she really wanted (SPOILER) was not to be a first class international flight attendant but rather a pilot (spoiler over). But anyways, that aside, this movie has so many good points. Number one, hair and costuming. The flight attendant outfits were awesome, not like the boring crap you see attendants wearing in reality. They ranged from slutty, revealing spandex, to fun, 60's throwbacks, to air hostess uniforms from when airplanes were still new, and flying was like being in a hotel. And then there was the paris scene, i think the outfit donna wears is the same thing that barbie once wore.

There is one interesting shot, when donna first gets her new assignment, and it is obvious her life is very very busy, if not a little tedious, the camera follows her walking around and around her apartment. Of course there are plenty of cuts in this scene, but it is still a very nicely done one. It was wonderful to see kelly preston in a role that she hasn't really done since twins, the bimbo. It was fun. Christina Applegate almost plays her famous Kelly role from Married with Children, except for the fact that Kelly would never have been that vicious. And it was nice to see Paltrow trashed out. This is not for fans of serious introspective cinema. But it is lots of fun for people who don't mind a little cheese.

After Midnight (1989)

mullett of doom

[14 March 2003]

Yeah, the other reviews basically sum up the details on this one. However, nobody picked up on the awesomely 80's aspects of this movie.

Number one: the wraparound story: the killer has a mullett!!!! horrors! Number two: the haunted house story, shoulder pads!!!! ahhhhhh Number three: the lost girls: mini skirts, spandex dresses, teased bangs, sweaters, and yes, bangles. Terrors upon terrors! Number four: okay there wasn't anything particuarly awful about the late night caller one, well the main character's hair was pretty bad.

So all in all, After Midnight is cheesey, cliched, and not very scary, but it is lots of fun, and it was made in a decade of horrid fashion trends!

Amazon Women on the Moon (1987)

wow!

[8/10 · 6 January 2003]

this is one of the funniest movies i have ever seen. "Blacks without Soul" is one of best (especially the Black Republicans). "The Titan's" is also very funny. (wow thats a grammatical error). The "Amazon women on the moon" is just awful. I love the jumpy cuts. And of couse Bulls**t or Not! where jack the ripper is really the loch ness monster....But the best, the pinnacle of this movie comes after the credits. I cannot stop laughing at the memory of this skit.

The funniest part goes like this:

Carrie Fisher is talking to her doctor, and tells him about this party she goes to: Carrie: it was a wild party... Scene shifts from Fisher to a small room with five people sitting in chairs bouncing balloons around.

Then of course when her husband ken gets the social disease and suddenly loses his eyesight while driving....

Oh god.

Anyways some of the skits do drag a bit. The critics corner is kind of dull. The man in the tv, while probably very very funny when it was made (remotes being pretty new stuff at that point) falls kinda flat now. The hospital scene is funny in theory but the actors kind of drag it out.

However, the movie in whole is hilarious, great for people with very low attention spans and perfect for parties (especially parties so wild you toss balloons around).

8 out of 10

Mad Monster Party? (1967)

this movie has everything

[15 October 2002]

this is probably the only movie to feature: a song about the mummy, a cat fight between phyllis diller and a obscenely voluptuous doll, octopus soup, mysterious potions that destroy all matter and yet can be safely contained in a test tube, zombie slaves with septum piercings, and an infamously dismal ending!

So yeah, mad monster party? (whats up with the ?) pretty much wins the award for logic lapses, annoying characters, and overall stupidity, but it is still fun.

Who could forget classic scenes like Felix and Francesca going on a picnic in the middle of the jungle?, or the horrid kitchen scene?, or the Mummy and Ms. Diller dancing?

And the music isn't that bad either. The phyllis diller song really blows, and so doesn't francesca's song, but the Mummy is great (i guarantee you will not get it out of your head for days after watching) and the opening song (Mad Monster Party) is great too (i think this is the only kids movie where there is a line like: "did you sell your soul to the devil, at that monster party last night?").

Overall the technical aspects are crap crap crap, but no worse than rudolph or santa clause is coming to town. Can't wait to see this on dvd because the print i saw was really grainy and dark.

and the only other problem i have is with dracula. i know they tried to make everything as silly as possible, but dracula was downright annoying. I don't quite know what bothered me so much, but he was pretty crappy too.

however, this is a movie unlike any other. make sure you buy a copy for your kids!

7 out of 10.

Lust for a Vampire (1971)

crossed eyes.....of death!

[13 September 2002]

Lust for a Vampire is a silly silly silly exploitation shlock fest!

The plot is simple, and has been done many times since: bisexual vampiress is resurrected and spreads mayhem through the land.

Now on to the good stuff (expect spoilers here on out):

Watch this movie, you will see: nubile and perky breasts, strict female gym teachers, silly satanic rituals, a convieniently dry well, a female finishing school (which was obviously planned by the stupidest people alive, school full of half naked teenage girls right next to the old haunted vampire castle), a nighttime lesbian swimming session, hilariously campy countesses (i mean who in the world would listen to this ladies advice? okay sure just tell everyone this missing girl is dead, thats much better than saying she's missing!), and beautiful bloody corpses!

but what are we missing. well there are some great opportunities to get some real horror here:

the karnsteins dump a victim of mircalla down a dry well. in most vampire lore such a victim would become a vampire herself. i was just waiting for the policeman to get attacked by a starving vampiress once he gets down the rope.

why do we miss seeing all the action? i know we are supposed to be mystified as to the real vampire (is it mircalla or not) but you'd have to be criminally insane not to figure it out, so just let us see that neck biting excitement!

and finally, the end of the movie sets itself up for a great twist ending (ie, count and countess karnstein emerge from the burning castle to wreak havoc yet again!) but doesn't follow through.

oh well

see this movie if you are ever in the mood for fun predicatability and great soft core horror!

Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983)

dust witch?

[8/10 · 10 September 2002]

a dark, strange movie that needs less introduction, more scenes of the carnival, more history behind the carnival, and lots less father/son issues, i know its a disney movie, but come on the audience wants to have fun, not be taught morals!

anways, something wicked is a really great dark movie, perfect halloween party entertainment for the 10-14 year old horror fans to be out there.

i remember watching this when i was in fifth grade at a halloween party and coming home too afraid to sleep.

anyways,

why was pam grier's character called the dust witch?

Clash of the Titans (1981)

to the reviewer who wanted a remake

[29 July 2002]

here's what a remake would be like: First the special fx would be on computer, and look promising at first but end up just as cheap looking as the original. The gods would all be played by a bunch of rap stars for comic relief. Perseus' name would be changed to Hercules to avoid sounding prissy. The role of Andromeda would be played by brittany spears to get the kids into it. All the gods would drive ford explorers and drink coke. They would remove almost all aspects of greek myth and relocate it in modern day america. Do you really want your classic films destroyed by ridiculous hollywood idiots?

Jawbreaker (1999)

did any of you actually see either heathers or jawbreaker?

[8/10 · 2 July 2002]

Jawbreaker is NOT about suicide. Heathers, is all about suicide. Granted the suicides in Heathers are really murders in disguise but that brings up another point. The murder in Jawbreaker is an accident. In Heathers the murders are most definitely intentional. In Heathers the cast memebers are asked to do the following. Do we believe that our seemingly happy, well adjusted popular teens are committing suicide or do we believe that one of our seemingly sad outcast unpopular teens is murdering the popular kids. Because suicide in the 80's was seemingly trendy, the cast chooses to believe that perfectly normal kids are caught up in death because its trendy, instead of the more reasonable obvious approach. So what does Jawbreaker ask? Simple, how evil can popular kids be? Whereas the conclusions reached in heathers is pretty off the wall. Yet it explains quite simply the way the rest of the world (adults) view high school. In Jawbreaker the conclusion is: pretty evil. We believe that they can be so bad that even the sweetest girl has a dark underbelly. And truthfully that is how high school kids actually see themselves. So where Heathers is about people on the inside looking out, Jawbreaker is people on the inside looking even deeper in. So next time you compare the two movies, sit down and watch them first. You'll be surprised because strangely enough...they aren't even remotely similar. In fact if I had to compare Jawbreaker to another film, it would have to be Carrie. Which is why I'll have to agree with another IMDb user and say that Jawbreaker verges on horror.

SpaceCamp (1986)

why bash it?

[9/10 · 3 May 2002]

This is one of the most guilty pleasure movies ever!

I am embarrassed to say that my favorite character is TISH, but still enjoy watching her make her space outfit "like super cool" with a "like totally bitchin" belt and stick on rhinestones on her face.

But anyways, the movie is actually one of the few "family" movies that holds your interest. I know that the begining drags, particuarly if you know what is going to happen, but the second half is probably one of the most nerve wracking segments in a family film.

I wouldn't stand up in front of millions of people and proclaim to love this movie, in fact renting it is pretty embarrassing itself, but I'll admit it here with the internet to hide behind.

Krull (1983)

giant space vagina?

[7/10 · 29 April 2002]

Okay did anyone else notice that all the passages in the Black Fortress look like vaginas?

Anyways here's spooky_trix's awesome review:

The sets, the costumes, the acting are first rate, except the lead guy, who smiles insanely at every moment, but thats neither here nor there.

The magician is probably the most loveable bumbling idiot in a film ever! He hardly acted in anything else, except Willy Wonka, where he plays charlie's bumbling, crazy teacher.

There are some great visual scenes: The blind emerald seer and the changeling, which is one of the most chilling scenes in any film, and the beautiful widow of the web, and creepy spider. Those two scenes have always stuck out in my mind.

I don't understand why so many people compare it to star wars. Its nothing like that at all. I hate star wars, but this is so much more enjoyable.

Who cares if the plot is cliched, the story line is sexist, and the fx are cheesey? That is what makes this movie so much fun....that and the damn changeling scene!

Disappearance (2002 TV Movie)

why?

[26 April 2002]

So Disappearance....what to say? (hey look out for ****SPOILERS!!****)

Hamlin plays a guy who is taking his newish bride (Dey), daughter and son from previous marriage (which ended in death) and the son's friend on a vacation. At the insistance of his son the family makes a detour to a mining town that is on a map from a while ago but isn't on the map now. Not only that but none of the people at a nearby town know of its existance. So it turns out to be a ghost town, one that looks like it was deserted in the middle of the day, like everyone "disappeared" (ooooohhhh). Their rough and tumble SUV inexplicably breaks down after they see some disturbing crap on the walls (a human sized dried skin, which looks like human shaped alpo, and some obscure symbols). They decide to spend the night in one of the buildings, not in the SUV where they could lock the doors and stuff. They find a camera (a la blair witch) which documents a similar family's trip into Weaver and ends in the mother babbling about her missing family and then goes hysterical). From there things get weird.

Okay now lets talk acting: At the end of the movie Hamlin and the fam. are all seemingly residents of the town, Hamlin is the gas station attendant, Dey is the waitress at the truck stop. Apparently there was some body snatching or something like that going on. So they act like dispassionate zombies, which is perfect. Hamlin and Dey, but Hamlin especially, apparently weren't let in on the fact that they weren't supposed to be dispassionate zombies the entire film. For two hours you get to watch Harry Hamlin have as much facial compassion as a man folding socks, and his voice inflections vary from valium induced stupor to slightly less of a stupor. The little girl acted like she graduated from the annoying child's acting academy. The two boys, while their characters were written to do pretty retarded stuff, managed to pull of being normal kids (for once!), they must have dropped out of annoying child's acting academy.

Okay now lets talk plot holes and/or really stupid crap the characters did: Hamlin takes his son's friend with him to town. Why doesn't he take his own son, why put someone else's kid in danger? Why does Hamlin's son insist on coming down the mine shaft to rescue Dey? She seems capable of climbing the rope herself, and once he gets down he offers no help to her, maybe he just wanted to see what darkness looks like? Well those are just two plot holes, but believe me there are many more.

So now we get to the ending. Up to this point we've had several explanations for what may be happening. The alpo skin seems to suggest Native American influences, further enhanced by the inmate Hamlin talks to. The glass field in the desert (a great image by the way), as well as the inmate, suggest mutants. Finally the inmate also says that area 51 is around there and its aliens. So what is the creature terrorizing the family? Apparently its all three. Thats right folks radioactive aliens get possesed by Native American spirits and force them to be docile members of a nearby town. But of course the producers of the film lead up to nothing. You never see the monster, something that worked in the Blair Witch Project, but not here. I say to be effective the filmmakers could have just ended the film at the point were the SUV crashes. Why go the extra step just to confuse and annoy people? My guess is as good as yours.

Bottom line: better acting, less plot holes, ONE monster theory, not all three please, and an actual ending would have made this awful tv movie into a fun run of the mill horror, instead of another piece of garbage. However, I wouldn't be suprised if people are mulling over the ending for several years...I know I am....

Candleshoe (1977)

better than the filth disney puts out now

[25 March 2002]

This is one of those disposable disney films made in the 60's and 70's. Titles like Escape to Witch Mountain, and The Gnome Mobile come to mind.

These movies were cheesey, featuring annoying child actors, at least one person with an english accent, and usually a nail bitingly bad song. Fortunately Candleshoe has no song.

Despite their flaws, these movies are still entertaining. They are fun, mindless entertainment, without being trashy. The kids in this movie might be sickeningly sweet, but hey, wouldn't we all love to have our kids act like that once in a while? Today's disney shows basically consist of kids running around saying "whassup" alot. At least the disney films of the 60's and 70's had plots!

When I have kids I don't think they'll be watching the disney channel, instead they'll be watching the disney films I grew up with, wholesome family entertainment.

Resident Evil (2002)

love it or loath it

[19 March 2002]

Resident Evil. What does this movie contribute to the horror genre?

Although it is the first main stream big budget american zombie movie in a decade or so, this movie falls short of being a classic horror for several reasons:

1. Soundtrack. Why is it that so many horror movies are little more than a vehicle to sell a soundtrack? Mostly, the soundtrack worked the pumping dark techno added to the futuristic suspense, but everytime there was a song with lyrics, it cheapens the film.

2. CGI. Not having ever played RE, I don't really see what the mutants really contribute to the movie. I'm sure the sequel will make this make more sense. Personally the zombies were much more scary than the tongue monster. When is hollywood going to learn that audiences are not scared by CGI monsters, we say, wow that's cool, and then get scared by something as cheap as someone grabbing another person in a tense situation. But anyways.

The Good:

The zombies were fantastic. Some people think that they were cheap looking. Have you ever seen one of the best horror movies ever? Dawn of the Dead? The zombies in that are little more than people with grey pancake makeup on. In RE the zombies have creative makeup, and most have some icky wounds. I loved the scene where they opened the door and all the zombies came rushing out (ripped off of dawn of the dead, but its about time someone ripped off a good movie for once instead of scream), it was one of the best scares, eventhough anyone who's seen Dawn knows whats coming.

Milla was also great. She kicked major butt! And she did it wearing the least amount of clothing possible. If that's what women will be wearing in the future, build me a time machine. The supporting actors, while underdeveloped, added to the story (except for Rain, who was annoying, and i couldn't wait for her demise).

The flashbacks Milla had were also wonderful. Very very eerie, especially the lab scene and the graveyard. By the way, the german chick playing Lisa, we American audiences need more of her. She would've made a great zombie.

The other really great thing: The red queen. The film makers have stumbled upon the best horror theory: little girls with english accents are beyond creepy. If you don't believe me, watch the others, or the innocents.

With the exception of minor flaws, this was a good movie, not a classic, but for a video game inspired plot starring a supermodel, this movie went way above my expectations.

Please be warned though, seeing Milla nude at the end of the movie is not sexy at all. Don't expect to pop some wood, amazingly the filmmaker has managed to make us repulsed by her nudity, you'll understand once you've seen it.

7.5 out of 10 for a horror 9 out of 10 for a video game inspired movie (even that can't make me forget the CGI monster)

Out Cold (2001)

my wife forced me to watch...

[11 March 2002]

I rolled my eyes when I saw the video store screeners she had in her bag, somthing called Forsaken, and this one. Luckily she also had Session 9 (but thats another review isn't it?) However, the movie we watched first was.... Out Cold.

First of all, I was expecting a horrible mix of horndog humor, drugs, and sports bloopers. Well I got that and more. Sometimes this could have been a bad mix, this time...it was worse.

Although I can appreciate gratuitous nudity, humorous injuries, clique'd plots, and other facets of the "teen movie," I have no capacity for bad acting, and even less for annoying characters. This movie had that and more. (Spoilers) The main character was whinny, and boring. For whatever reason, Lee Majors thought he was the best worker at the lodge, and promotes him. We've only really seen Jenny working, barely, but thats not important. His character lacks any depth other than he hates a song, and he can't get over a girl. Whatever. He's not nearly annoying as his friends.

The acting of his friends seems to be their ability to laugh and scream, and mutter a few words like testicle once and a while. Hell I can do that, and I'd do it for half the amount of money these idiots probably got, Hollywood take note, I can say five words and laugh very easily.

The only other problem I had was with the character Lance. Why oh why is there a gay character in every movie lately, especially stupid movies? I'm not homophobic, in fact i'm bisexual. I just don't think that gay characters add anything to films, unless the plot hangs on this somehow. For example lance could have found out that Majors was gay also and embarass him with photos of their steamy love session. Or somthing, other than an excuse to use the phrase "Macho Man."

Well anyways, if you have 90 minutes to kill, you've seen every other dumb movie out there and crave more, and you are drunk enough not to care about horrendous acting, I guess you could watch this movie.

Rose Red (2002)

some originality, not much

[7/10 · 18 February 2002]

Looks like stephen king was a big fan of Shirley Jackson, Richard Matheson, Mario Bava, Karen Black, and American McGee's Alice (VG).

Let me explain. This movie seems to be a clever remake of Shirley Jackson's Haunting of Hill House (which was well made into the Haunting in 1963, and again, but not very well at all, in 1999, same title). However, in reality all Stephen King really did was take some elements of the book Hell House by Richard Matheson, the film Burnt Offerings, starring Karen Black (especially the solarium's plants coming back to life, this is exactly what happens in Burnt Offerings), the video game, Alice (the fortress of doors seems to be a big influence on the set designs), The Mario Bava film, Kill Baby, Kill, where you get a house that leads you where it wants you to go not the other way aroung, and most notably the true life phenomena of the Sarah Winchester Mystery House (she was told at a seance that all the spirits of those who died by Winchester rifles (especially indian spirits) would come back to get her if she didn't continually build the house, resulting in some bizarre rooms, like a staircase that goes to a ceiling and a door that leads to the outside of a very tall tower). Throw all these into the mix, and add some of stephen kings favorite subjects (psychics) and you get Rose Red.

Not to say that there is no originality here, he really added some creepy elements, like the mirrored library, the withered hand, the missing people, etc... But anybody who is a strong follower of horror movies knows its all been done before.

That said, lets concentrate on the best parts of the film: 1 - I was thrilled to see the house at the beginning destroyed by a rain of stones. This is how Carrie White's house is destroyed at the end of the novel, Carrie, and how DePalma wanted the house destroyed originally, but it was not feasible to do so. Glad to see that it is finally possible. 2 - I loved the disturbing images in the second part. Especially the perspective hallway, the movie star's corpse in bed with Emery, and the mirrored library. 3 - Suprisingly there was some good special fx with zombies here! 4 - Finally, the amazing contrast between the birds-eye view of the house and interior shots. You can see a finite structure outside, but inside there is no end to the house.

If this film were being made for theatrical release, much of the first part would be edited as it adds nothing to the story. Also many characters would probably been written out of the story, notably Victor and Pam, as they don't really add much to the story other than disturbing imagery.

Unfortunately the casting is terrible. Julian Sands is great, but his character is completely wasted. Melanie Lynskey looks bored half the time, Judith Ivey is an integral part to the ending, but she's hardly ever mentioned for the first two parts. And Nancy Travis is almost unbearable. As soon as they get into the house, she is so bitchy you are rooting for the ghosts. Finally Julia Campbell, most remembered as Christy Masters-Christensen from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion is cast as the head villian. I'm sure anyone who reckognized her could only picture her as Christy Masters telling everyone she's a weather girl at the reunion. To the director's credit, Matt Ross is appropriately annoying, Emily Deschanel, (who's character is wasted), is hauntingly beautiful, Yvonne Scio is gorgeous and wickedly evil, and Tsidii Leloka is terrifying and perfect as the bug eyed servant.

Well apart from the problems, there is enough going on here to be more interesting than most made for tv movies, and its a hell of alot better than most stephen king movies (maximum overdrive anyone?).

8 out of 10 as a tv movie 6 out of 10 as a horror movie

Lisa and the Devil (1973)

haunting.

[9/10 · 4 February 2002]

This movie sticks with you!

The imagery, the music, the characters. All will stay with you long after viewing this sumptuously beautiful film.

Fans of Italian horror know that imagery is more important than plot in italian films, and this is indeed true in Lisa and the Devil. The plot makes no sense until the final quarter of the movie, and is riddled with unsolvable plot and logic holes. However, if you can get beyond this, the film is amazing.

Although categorized as a horror, it would perhaps be better off seen as a dark fantasy. Very restrained horror here. Only a few violent scenes of death, and even they are beautifully filmed.

If you are a fan of Argento, Bava, or italian film in general, fantasy, or supernatural movies see this film. A special edition dvd with both versions is available, but don't judge this movie by the House of Exorcism cut. It is just awful.

9 out of 10 (less plot holes would be nice)

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

if you even get to this one...

[10/10 · 28 December 2001]

give this movie a break. So what the special fx weren't up to par, personally i thought they were tremendously amazing. I completely bought everything. Just because they weren't matrix quality, doesn't mean the film isn't great. I mean the matrix might have been fun to watch, but the acting and story line were so damn boring...well thats another review. Let me put it a different way, twenty something years ago the entire country went to the movies to see an extremely cheesy movie with laughable special fx, and some pretty campy overacting. That was Star Wars. It was one of the most loved movies of all time. Everyone was able to overlook the production values in favor of the story. I applaud Jackson for making a movie that has more story and charisma than fx! Maybe if the few negative reviewers out their could put themselves in that mindset, they'd realize that this movie was PHENOMENAL! My only warning, don't take the kiddies, the orcs are disturbing, the unblinking eye is disturbing, gladriel's flip out scene is disturbing, and some of the fight scenes are gory. But if they can handle it, don't miss the opportunity to show them this film on the big screen.

Cinderella (I) (2000 TV Movie)

almost fabulous

[7/10 · 18 December 2001]

this film was almost a great imaginative film. A mixture of shakespeare, pop, jazz, and faerie tales. This movie was an imaginative twist on the Cinderella theme. Featuring a strong cast, headed by the perfectly cast Kathleen Turner, this movie had everything going for it. Everything but production values. I almost never think that a movie needs special effects or big budgets, but with an over the top production like this, it came off with the same seedy quality as every other made for tv movie. Besides better cinematography, this film was almost perfect.