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Reviews
Mean Machine (2001)
Not half bad actually...
I didn't mind snatch. I didn't like Lock Stock. Call me a freak, I don't really care, I thought they were both tedious and rubbish. So I was relying on this film purely as a time-eating excercise. And I tell you what - it wasn't bad. Vinnie is all you'd expect, but the presence of Omid Jallilli (The Comedy Store, the Mummy, etc) and Ralph Brown (Wayne's World, Withnail) kept me interested for the first 15 minutes or so. After that, the governor's eyebrows made me grin on a regular basis. Lots of SAABs. Worth a watch, I'd say. :O)
Pearl Harbor (2001)
Neeeeeeaaaaaaooooooowwww
Most people I've seen have referred to this film as 'awful' and usually the words boring and cack have cropped up soon after. I can see their point, but I've seen a hell of a lot worse. Surely by now we're all used to the historical innacuracy thing that seems part and parcel of just about every 21st century American war film, yet whenever there is a hint of non-documented historical fact (see U-571, etc) we seem shocked and appauled. It's no Apocalypse now or Thin Red Line, but it's certainly watchable. Take a cushion, because it IS a monstrously long film, but fitting the whole military history of America from 1916-1945 isn't exactly a small job. The film's casting was slated by more than a few people and while I've never been a massive fan of Affleck, whoever put John Voight's name forward as FDR should have a medal. Ewan 'Spud' Bremner (Trainspotting) should also get an oscar for the fantastic way he pulls off 'being a yank'.
Definitely worth a look if you're not expecting too much, and you have PLENTY of spare time...
Red Planet (2000)
Oh deary me...
Tom Sizemore (top lad), that bird out of the Matrix, Val Kilmer (batman) and Terrance Stamp (old man) bumble haphazardly through uninteresting moral dilemmas, dreary explosions and token 'disasters' whilst all fighting over who gets to say the worst lines. Sizemore is a top-drawer actor, and this shines through, but it's about all that does in this turd of a film. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'motion' picture...
Mission to Mars (2000)
Hmmmmmmm
Tim Robbins and Gary Sinise team up, in an appaulling film that has no real point, or story, and without doubt the most ludicrous ending to a film since that bit at the end of 'Masters of the Universe' where skeletor falls in the acid, then starts chatting about something or other... Still, two fine actors make this film just about watchable. Still, at least it's not Red Planet, which made this film look good...
O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)
We're in a tight spot!
Yes. It's a Coen film. Yes it has beautifully thought out characters and
near perfect dialogue. No, there's no real jokes. Thats because it has
beautifully thought out characters and near perfect dialogue, which
create the humour perfectly without having to resort to Lampoon-esque
punchlinery. I had no respect for george Clooney as an actor before I
saw O Brother'. Now I revere him like a returning war-hero of film.
Apparently, he's in a tight spot. Must be that moustache
The Colour of Funny (1999)
Oh sweet moses no.
In a lifetime, everyone exposes themselves to the risk of seeing a tremendously bad film. It's a risk we have to take, because some of the best films, are often underrated or laughed at by some people. However, the best thing about this film is the title, a weak and tenuous pun, but non the less, enough to raise a smile if only for kitsch value. Please beware of this film, it's indescribably bad. Go read a book.
The Thin Red Line (1998)
Apocalypse then...
Overshadowed, by Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line, looked from the trailers almost as if it was a rush job, trying to cash in on the Saving Private Ryan hype, which had been banded around for weeks in the press. I took a chance, went to see it. Hey, it had Shaun Penn in, and Woody Harrelson. It couldn't be too bad. I, like many others was shocked, when I realised the caliber of this film. No-one seemed to know it had been made. I think there was around 6 other people in the cinema watching it that day. The Thin Red Line, is a masterpiece. A stack of the Best actord of the present day, play out a superb screenplay, taken from a brilliant book. Direction is superb and the cameo count is excellent.
The Thin Red Line is, what some would describe as an 'arty film' but don't be put off. It weighs in at just over two hours, with probably only one hour of real fighting, if you want to see this film because you're a Clooney fan or a Travolta fan, you will be dissapointed. Penn, Cusack, Nolte, and Harrelson all put in top-draw performances. You may also recognise Jim Caviezel from films including Wyatt Earp, The Rock and G I Jane, who gives a sterling performance.
My view of The Thin Red Line, is a modern Apocalpse Now. Focusing on an unseen side of the war. It won't change your life, but I can't help thinking that if it had been released further away from Saving private Ryan, it would already by a considered a Classic Movie.
American History X (1998)
A fine, fine film
Having had a scan through some of the comments for this film, some familiar names have appeared, suggesting this film is 'faux moral...propaganda' (sic). Although this film wasn't quite slick enough to know Being John Malkovich off the top of my list, it certainly came closer than any other film in recent times. Without trying to draw too much comparison to a very different film, I see AH X as a Taxi Driver for the nineties. A controversial, yet comprehensive tale of morals, sacrifice and deceit. Superb.
Grosse Pointe Blank (1997)
Grosse Point Cusack
The easiest film I've ever seen to win at 'Spot the Lead Role's relatives'. More Cusacks than a special millennial Cusack day, in Cusackville and all the better for it. Being a bit of a fan of John Cusack myself, I can think of little better than this film. Enjoy it for what it is, a good film, with good quality acting, and not a little romance, action and comedy thrown in. Yeeaaayy!
Jurassic Park (1993)
Cookin' on 'classic' gas
Although I didn't much fancy it at the time (I must have been about 12 and where blood should have been, only pre-teen scepticism warmed my veins) all the right ingredients were there for a classic movie. Fill an island paradise with classically-trained actors, add Samuel L Jackson (he-he) and THE director of this century an we have the makings of a classic. If you disagree, take a straw poll and ask people 'Have you seen Jurassic Park?' I defy you to find someone who hasn't. And I can't help noticing JP3 on the horizon? (2001)
Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Full Fat Genius
Kubrick at his best. A lot of people have trouble with some Kubrick films, because they are too long, FMJ appeals to a wider audience, because the film is split into the two sections, providing a nice change of pace. Very near the top of most peoples 'Vietnam Films' list, Kubrick takes viewers to places Coppola left alone in 'Apocalypse Now', almost filling in the gaps to make a perfect two-part Vietnam story. Also, the outdoor barrack scenes were shot in Melbourn, Cambs, near my home town. - cool. :O)
Cube (1997)
Big pile of tunky.
This 'film' was described as a nail-biter by someone on here, and I certainly can't argue with that. As I watched more and more of the film, I almost chewed my fingers to the elbow, purely to relive the stress of watching such a bad, bad film. Tunky is an under-used word to describe films these days. So is abhorrent, so I'd like to go on record as selecting both these words to describe 'Cube'. If, like I did, you're reading these comments and thinking "hmm, sounds like a good film" please, for the love of god, pay attention to this comment. The token 'autistic guy who can solve impossible maths problems' card is played once to often nowadays, and please could we have some kind of ban on it from now on. Think of all the good films you've already scene. Now picture one of those in your head. Got it? Well get that out instead and save your soul.
The Whole Nine Yards (2000)
Bruce, Matthew. Matthew, Bruce.
As a Matt Perry fan of some noteriety, I have to confess I was wetting my pants like a little school girl when I went to see this. Words evade description of just how refreshing it is to see a well-made film with Matthew Perry in. Beautifully tying in with Bruce Willis' appearance on friends (well there's a surprise) Matt finally got the part he needed. Well directed, well produced, well written and superbly performed by all concerned. Have a beer on me Matt.... Oh, well probably not a good idea then...
Philadelphia Experiment II (1993)
Why, oh why!
This film has so much potential, and is ruined by corner cutting, and lack of any attention to detail. If this had been done properly, the idea could have produced one of the great films of all time. Alas, it was not to be and the quality of acting (whilst usually bearable) sometimes makes the film difficult to watch. With a bit more thought, some kind of accurate historical references (apart from to the first film), and a modicum of knowledge of Stealth technology (It wouldn't be called stealth if it was still louder as a Jumbo jet) the Philadelphia Project 2 could have been a thrilling, interesting alternative to Fatherland. Unfortunately through lack of thought, it's widely regarded as a big pile of tunky. Anyone fancy funding a remake?
Tornado! (1996)
SShhcccwwweeeeeoooowww
I just love the way cheap film producers see a new film coming and quickly hash together a 'suspiciously similar' flick. This came out on TV around the same time as Twister was arriving at cinemas. Some appallingly cheap effects, bargain basement acting and a 'pilfered' plot. Still, when you can see the cut out lines around the tornados you just know you're gonna love this film. Bruce Cambell takes a break from shooting dead people in the face and instead avoids spiralling winds by the skin of his teeth time after time after time after time after time after time after time. Go, on - get drunk and have a laff!
Almost Heroes (1998)
"Die! You Spanish Bastards!"
The late Chris Farley and the (certainly not well) Matthew Perry have both been in films which have generally been viewed as 'poor' so no-one is willing to give this a chance. If you don't like Matthew Perry, don't watch this. You know what he's like and you know where the humour will come from. Personally I think he's great and, at last he's made a film that isn't a b***** romantic comedy. Woo-hoo! - MP
The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat (1987)
The man who....
Why is it that everyone is so fascinated with how attractive Lorraine Mills is. Personally I think she's a bit of a trog. This film was crushingly disappointing at the box office, possibly because everyone was too busy administering the production of boxes. (!) The man in the film, mistakes his darling wifey, for a hat. This film is uplifting in a curious sort of way, until the gun-toting, hat-throwing finale, which I thought was a bit far fetched. Even I know there weren't pterydactils in 1940s Chicago.
Withnail and I (1987)
What?
Another one of those classic films that doesn't really make sense, yet evokes a strange feeling of happiness when you watch it. The Plot: Two failed/failing actors embark on a cross country trek, tailed by a fat gay bloke. Everything that can go wrong does. Richard E Grant says some stuff in an upper-class accent even though he's not British, and that stoned bloke who's also in Wayne's World 2 says some funny stuff about carrots. I've watched this film quite a few times and I still don't really see a proper plot. But that doesn't detract from the atmosphere the film is trying to create. 'I demand to have some booze' isn't actually funny, yet I can't help but laugh out loud whenever I here it. Bizarre, yet an excellent film.
Arlington Road (1999)
Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim and if you will - Tim.
Yup. Tim (Eric the Viking) Robbins is back from the murky depths of ginger-haired obscurity and today he's wearing his evil hat. One of Jeff Bridges best performances, this classic Good V Evil V The Government V Evil V Good V Obscure (breath) thriller has enough twists to require a change of pants to hand, yet not so many as to create a big confusing pile of poo. (See 5th Element, 12 Monkeys)A Top notch film, well worth ram raiding Blockbusters for. Oh, Did I mention it has Tim Robbins in it?
The Wonderful World of Disney: The Love Bug (1997)
Herbie. Only good.
How disney roped Horror LEGEND Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead, Xena) and Scottish bloke John Hannah (The Mummy, Sliding Doors) into this poor re-make of the kids classic is a question best not answered. However, the all star cast, including a cameo from Dean Jones (Jim Douglas in the original)make this into an eminently watchable film. Straight to video it may be, but if you're quite drunk, it's the best film ever made. Cue a witty John Hannah remark about 'the yanks'...
The Full Monty (1997)
My what a nice idea.
Lots of famous British actors cruise about being ugly & stupid. A lovely (true) story about a load of jobless blokes who quickly realize that if they get their bits out they'll receive loads of publicity. Please let this film be forever cast into the realms of late night Cable TV. If I kill someone and goto hell, I will expect to be seeing a lot of this 'film'.
Living in Oblivion (1995)
So then Steve Buscemi said to the Barman... Oh no wait...
Steve Buscemi is a hapless director with around 50 quid (bucks) to make a film about some woman, who didn't get on with her dad. Once you've spent the first 20mins trying to get your TV to show colour and playing with the tracking on the video, only to realise "it's supposed to be in B&W" you can get into the film. Some big names considering no-ones heard of it including Dermot Mulroney (My Best Friends Wedding, Young Guns) perform excellently with Dermot, a cameraman who wears an eye patch for effect, over his good eye of course, and a leading lady who sleeps with everyone, and a soundman with a novelty beard. (Look out for that!). What's a hostess twinkie???
Police Academy: Mission to Moscow (1994)
Please release me let me go...
Will people please start backing this film. OK pin our ears back: THIS FILM IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. IT IS A SPOOF. Leslie Nielsen is one of the finest old-man actors in the world and this film hinges on exactly the same tired gags as have kept him afloat for the last 15 years. How can you not like it?????
Waxwork II: Lost in Time (1992)
Dear Oh dear.
Messers Campbell, Kemp & Galligan - HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME. Bruce Campbell's ribs, Martin Kemp's eyeball and Zach Galligan's curmudgeonly face should all be stricken from this film, if only to preserve their otherwise spotless reputations. Well, apart from Zach Galligan 'cos everything he touches turns to brown doesn't it. Don't watch this film. Go and hack your limbs off. It's much more fun.
Say Anything... (1989)
Anything. (HA!HA!HA!!!)
A big, furry young actor fest. Notably Eric (Ginger) Stoltz as "Bloke who dresses up as chicken". John is at his youngest, but you can already see definite signs of the patented 'John Cusack Spin' and 'mouth open in desperation/confusion, then talk really quickly until run out of breath' that we've all grown to love. I KNOW it's a romantic comedy, but do try not to think of anything with Hugh Grant in. This is actually worth watching.