ProfessorPeach Reviews

Forklift Driver Klaus: The First Day on the Job (2000)

The forklift as weapon

[10/10 · 4 March 2006]

This is one of those shorts that really surprises and delights. The fact that it is presented as your typical, cheesy safety-at-work type of video adds to the humour tremendously.

Our man- Klaus- is beginning a new job as a forklift driver in a warehouse. He does all the things he shouldn't where safety is concerned and is suitably admonished by the patronising safety expert who provides the voice over. The accidents start out as the fairly typical toe-curling scenes one usually sees in such instructional films, but soon they multiply into totally over-the-top affairs.

This may make it sound like a film only horror or gore fans would enjoy, but it really isn't. The effects are so daft that they would only put off the most extreme anti-blood viewers and I promise you that you will laugh yourself silly and be recommending it to your pals wholeheartedly. I certainly did, and everyone who's seen it has loved it.

If anyone ever criticises the German sense of humour, you have all the ammo you could ever need to shoot them down with this little number.

Can't recommend it enough.

Model by Day (1994 TV Movie)

Abysmal

[3/10 · 22 March 2005]

Despite the credits proclaiming otherwise, this film was almost certainly written, cast, lit, filmed, scored and edited by a fourteen-year-old boy. No other excuse exists. The crash helmet is the killer costume addition. Sure, it's got eye candy. However, Famke Janssen was just starting to get a foot in Hollywood's door then and can be forgiven. Sean Young, on the other hand, can't. Shannon Tweed has been happily knocking out rubbish like this for ever so there's no change for her. Imagine a really poor pilot episode for some awful new Saturday afternoon series for teens. Then imagine switching on to it when it's halfway through. That's what it's like to watch this from the beginning.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Okay, but NOT altogether original

[6 December 2004]

Not as brilliant as everyone might make out. The ending works well and is certainly quite creepy, but there's some very dull bits in the middle where not much happens. This is a device that can sometimes be used to build tension, but it flags in places here. At times you don't have a lot of sympathy with the protagonists since they do some really dumb things which make you frustrated.

If you like this sort of thing, then check out The Last Broadcast. It was made before Blair Witch and is similar in feel and style. For some reason, it gets virtually no recognition but IMHO is much better and more gripping.

Cradle of Fear (2001 Video)

Avoid at all costs

[31 July 2004]

I just saw the DVD of this and I belive it to be the biggest waste of aluminium and polycarbonate issued in years. Now, let me get this straight: I love low-budget films. I love really gory, gross-out films. I love horror anthologies. I also used to be a goth for several years. Sadly, this film does a grave disservice to all of the above (no pun intended). The film was produced on DV and therefore looks home-made. The fact that the budget didn't extend to getting it transferred to film says a lot. Sure, there's nothing that says films can't be low-budget and many people have made some excellent pieces using little more than a home DV camera. The difference is that most people don't usually try and pass them off as feature films.

The plot attempts to tie four small stories into some kind of cohesive whole, but the fact is that most of these segments don't really make much sense. Only the "sick room" plot holds your attention and looks as if it might be going somewhere interesting, but then it spectacularly drops the ball with the sub-Twilight Zone predictability of its denouement.

The dialogue is a low point amongst a sea of low points. Expletives are clumsily dropped into scenes, giving the impression of the writer somehow trying to prove how grown-up the film is.

Acting throughout is mostly appalling. I mean, really bad. The usual-suspect rent-a-goths Emily Booth and Eileen Daly give the type of performances that will see them typecast in this kind of tripe until they no longer look good semi-naked. As for Dani Filth, his virtually-silent role merely gives him the opportunity to carry over his stage persona and- if possible- look an even bigger berk than usual.

As for the effects- well, if indeed Creature FX really were involved, then I can't see that they got paid more than twenty quid for their contribution. There is shocking gore, yes, but only shockingly bad. It almost made me laugh, but I was so depressed by the rest of the experience I couldn't raise a smile. Oh, and the CGI is truly, deeply, totally unspeakable. This is not one of those films that's so bad it's good, so don't get taken in by that line of reasoning.

In my experience, the music and imagery of Cradle Of Filth appeals mainly to young, oh-so-rebellious just-turned-teenagers and goth/metal fans who take themselves far too seriously. If this describes you, you'll probably love this film. If it doesn't, then don't insult your own intelligence and just walk away...

The French Doors (2002)

Heart-jumpingly scary

[13 March 2004]

This short film managed to do what no other horror film has done since I was a child and actually genuinely frightened me out of my seat.

The structure of the film is such that the mundane, almost long-winded build up lulls the viewer into a false sense of security so that when the pay-off comes it really bangs you over the head.

In some ways, this is a film that you can't really recommend to anyone by saying what a good scare it is because it seems to work best when sprung on the viewer as a complete surprise. Of course, this makes it difficult to know how to suggest it to anyone else. What it really needs is to be "discovered" by the viewer, late at night when he/she is just idly watching whatever is on. Perhaps that's the level on which it works best.

None of this is to run down the film at all which I maintain is excellent, and it would be nice to see the obvious talents of those involved being expanded. It just seems that the very act of being told about it lessens the impact of seeing it, which is a problem when you're trying to get people interested in it...

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Serial killer is consulted about the obvious to the naive

[5/10 · 28 August 2001]

Well, let's not beat about the bush. HUGE populist appeal, which just goes to show that you can fool all the people all the time. Anyone who has read any book about the FBI and serial killers will spot holes in this story so wide they need to be stitched together with mooring rope. Rookies assigned to such important cases? Um, sure... Deaths head moths that don't signify what they do? Of course... Jesus H Christ, has no one ever heard of Ed Gein? Absolute rubbish, all of it. Oh, of course, except the escape of Hannibal... Easily the high spot of the whole film, as everyone I know agrees. Chilling? Well, yes, if you've never set eyes upon a refrigerator, I suppose...

Outland (1981)

Yes, it's high noon in space. And what's wrong with that?

[28 August 2001]

Sean Connery. A man's man, a woman's sex symbol. Good start! Now let's put him on a remote moon of Jupiter. So how many other films have Io as their center of action? Absolutely excellent in combining the effects that were available at the time with a darn good plot. Well overshadowed by the likes of Alien, this is late 70's/ early 80's sci-fi at it's best. No more is the future in space a Utopia, it is a grimy, nasty everyday world where people carry on their sordid business as they ever did. Except there is always a hero; a flawed hero, as is Connery. A personal crusade, a battle almost against the odds (but not unbelievably so, at all) and the true hallmark of a good sci-fi story: That is, the story would work just as well anywhere, any place, any time, as it does in space in the future. What more do you want (Just check out the shuttle landing)? Essential viewing!

The Italian Job (1969)

Absolutely perfect, flawed, stupid, evening's entertainment

[28 August 2001]

So who can NOT like The Italian Job? Well, I can't speak for those who are not Anglophiles, but I suspect everybody who has ever called themselves British will love it. Sure, it has holes the size of Matron's stockings in it's plot and there are any number of errors apparant in the script and screenplay (Well, we all know that Mini's don't have a rear differential) and the true fanatics (such as myself) are all too aware of the continuity on-screen (that was a heavily disguised Lancia Flaminia that went off the cliff- Well, did you really think it was a REAL Aston DB4? See "Hammer House" for where that turned up). I could go on, as I usually do, about inconsitencies and so forth, but, by God, I have seen the Italian Job in just about every format it was ever shown and I love it all the same. There are no slow parts, every bit is important to the plot, the soundtrack is legendary (only available now after many, many years on CD. Got it before it was on CD and cost a lot; typical!) and is so quotable ("You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!") as to haunt Michael Caine forever more. You'll love it, wherever you come from!

Poison Ivy: The New Seduction (1997 Video)

One of my favourite films.

[18 March 2000]

Okay, so it's not the most cinematically perfect film ever made but I think people can lose the point of watching movies these days. I like thought-provoking, or striking films as much as the next guy but there are some times you just want entertainment and the Poison Ivy films do that. I liked the first, didn't really go for the second but am happy with The New Seduction. Jaime Pressly looks fabulous and the plot is a bit contrived but heck, there have been a lot of far more stupid ideas that have cost ten times as much and featured A-list stars. It's good, honest, down to earth entertainment, but probably not a good date movie. You'll learn to love it.