monster23 Reviews

Fate (I) (2003)

If someone recommends this to you, assume that person hates you

[1/10 · 12 July 2005]

Fate is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It is nothing but a tired cliché, complimented by bad acting, bad writing, and bad direction. The writers are obviously casual fans of 80's cop shows, and their knowledge of police procedure would apparently go no farther.

The movie follows the basic plot for Se7en, with two cops tracking down a fanatically religious serial killer, who leaves various clues as to his identity, because he wants to be caught, to prove his point. It also borrows liberally from such other films as Silence of the Lambs and The Empire Strikes Back. In fact, if there's an original idea in this movie, I missed it.

Michael Pare is apparently the worst actor I've ever seen. He could not have been more wooden, and delivered his lines more poorly. The fact that he is so awful is the only reason I'm not laying into Philip Michael Thomas, who has been M.I.A. for several years, apparently with good reason. And frankly, it's really sad to see Lee Majors reduced to this garbage. He's the freakin' Fall Guy! The dialogue in this film is so bad, that I can only assume the writers are dyslexic. Characters often say things that no one, no matter how stupid, would ever say. It's like they director wanted to stop the film at times, so that he could explain to the audience what was happening. Of course, you'd have to be a complete idiot not to understand (especially if you've already seen Se7en), so it just seems painful.

I don't remember the last time I groaned as much as I did watching this movie. I can only hope that the director and writers are forever banned from even borrowing a video camera again. These guys aren't even competent to make music videos.

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

Return of the Midnight Movie

[26 May 2004]

Having had the pleasure of seeing this movie in a late night showing with a packed house of rabid BC fans, I can say that this was one of the most enjoyable cinematic experiences that I have ever had.

Countless other reviews have analyzed the plot of this film, so I won't bother. What I will say is that it is a comedy, yes. The audience I was with howled with laughter, as did I. But it is also a poignant, touching story about old age, and dying alone. There are scenes where Elvis wonders what Priscilla or Lisa Marie would do if they knew he was still alive.. Would they come? Or would they turn their backs on him? I really have to admit, that as I watched these scenes, I wondered how those two would feel if they saw this film.

That aside, this movie is very funny and very enjoyable.. I have, on some occasions, seen movies where the audience applauded after the film ended, but rarely, if ever, have I seen a film where the audience applauded and cheered and laughed the whole way through the movie.. Bubba Ho-Tep, with its bizarre premise, and b-god cast is a movie that everyone deserves to see at least once. Too bad it couldn't find proper distribution, so that more could have seen it theatrically, but this will easily become one of the biggest and most popular cult films for years to come.

Final Destination 2 (2003)

Some People Like to Complain Too Much (minor spoilers)

[11 August 2003]

This movie was fun. A few years ago I saw the first one out of my duty as a horror fan, and was pleasantly surprised. I like the concept, and the "accidents" are pretty interesting. Is it scary? No. You want scary, you go see the Exorcist or the Ring. This is fun, over the top gore. The opening scene blows away the first movie's and is possibly the greatest car crash ever committed to film. From there, it goes pretty quickly through a series of grisly and fairly intricate deaths. It's fun, it's surprisingly gory and it's very entertaining. If that's not your bag, then don't watch. For those of us who do, this one's a keeper.

House of 1000 Corpses (2003)

Fun, Exciting, But Not New

[7/10 · 1 May 2003]

Rob Zombie has created a classic, one which wears its influences proudly on its sleeve. A person with any knowledge of horror films can watch this film and point out the various movies being referenced. It is truly a horror movie made by a horror movie fanboy. All this talk about "shocking, disgusting, revolting" is complete garbage. I sat there waiting for it to get nasty, but it never really does. At least not to a level I've never before seen.

This is a great film, and even if it doesn't do anything "new", it at least gives something that hasn't been seen in 20-odd years. For me, the saddest part was watching it in a sparsely populated theatre, smiling and enjoying myself immensely, but at the same time being saddened as I realized that the majority of those around me just were not understanding what they were seeing. A great movie.