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Joker (2019)
Nothing to get upset about
Full disclosure: I was against this movie on principle, so no matter how good it was I probably wouldn't have liked it. I think Batman movies have been done to death, and specifically The Joker is entirely overused as a villain. It has been a mere two years since Jered Leto "reinvented" the character in Suicide Squad. That being said, when a film proves itself to be such a controversial cultural phenomenon, one can hardly avoid being affect in some way, shape or form. So now we have Joaquin Phoenix as the Clown Prince of crime. And wouldn't it be a disservice to his Art to dismiss his performance out of hand? It is truly Oscar-worthy after all. If losing so much weight and submerging oneself so deeply into one's performace isn't the epitome of modern method school then what is? But again I must return to the necessity of the film. What is new and what is served by its presence. Social commentary? Now we might be on to something. After all, The Joker was surely supposed to comment on the divisive times in which we live. But does it? Is anyone even truly sure about what the film's message is? It certainly throws a lot at the audience. And letting viewers draw their own conclusions about the subject matter should be lauded, no condemned, shouldn't it?
Girl, Interrupted (1999)
Not feminist, Thank God
I'm sure by now (if it wasn't from the start) that this film has been appropriated as a feminist manifesto, but when it was made, to me, the emphasis seemed much more on the on mental health aspect of the story. Less 'The Bell Jar' and more 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'. Bechdel Test aside though, it just might be the top dramatic performances for all three actresses starring in it: Winnoa Ryder, Angelina Jolie and Brittany Murphy. (Screw Elizabeth Moss, she's homely and sucks.) Also brace for a surprise appearance by Jared Leto in probably his most restrained role ever. I would recommend this flick as something to watch exactly one time. .
Leaving Las Vegas (1995)
Master class in abusive filmaking
Ready to wallow in loathing and self-pity? Then buckle up, kiddies. I'd say this is required viewing for all you emos out there, right up there Requiem for a Dream. Ok, maybe not quite that bad, but it's close. This is a rare case where I haven't read the source material, though at some point I might just be masochistic enough to pick up the the book. Per Wikipedia: "O'Brien died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound within weeks of signing away the film rights to the novel." His father called the book his son's suicide note, so apparently O'Brien's act wasn't in despair of selling the rights to his work. Hopefully that's not the case anyway. Regardless, such a macabe footnote to the story is certainly in keeping with the dour tone of the film. To my mind this was the height of Nicholas Cage's serious performances, before he became a parody of himself and living meme. This probably isn't a controversial stance, either, considering the part IS what earned him his only Academy Award. Shue was also nominated, deservedly so, though she didn't win, losing out to an award-baity role in Dead Man Walking by Susan Sarandon. But I think Leaving deserves props for the fact that despite consisting of just one long, slow destruction of an ordinary man, it somehow still holds you to the screen the whole time.
Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father (2008)
Gut-punch anyone?
Don't like riding emotional rollercoasters? Then keep away!!! Don't enjoy ruining your day? Keep away! Don't want to be revel in man's inhumanity to man? Keep way away! But if you want a fascinating documentary then you'll never want to see again then this is the movie for you. The case is so infamous in its native Canada that a lot of people won't be as shocked, but my girlfriend and I were taken by it unawares, as is intended, and we were both poleaxed. The makers do such a perfect just winding things up at a snails pace, yet keeping you sucked in and then whammo. Hopefully just knowing that there's a twist won't be a spoiler in itself. I won't mention it, just on the off-chance, but it will definitely inspire thoughtful discussions to say the least. It's a brutal story that you will not believe actually happened, yet it did.
The Virgin Suicides (1999)
Depressing in just the right way
A very faithful to the adaption from the book. So don't go reading it looking for more answers than you get from the film, because all the ambiguity and missing pieces are baked into the story's dna. You never get to see inside any of the girls' heads. So if you don't like questions with no answers this won't be for you. Stellar cast though.
Just imagine the perfect Manic Pixie Dream Girl trope then multiply it by five. Plus James Woods turns in a minor but very effective role as the father, far more subdued than his typically manic performances. I believe a number of the girls (whose names I can't be bothered to look up) didn't really do much with their careers (besides Dunst obvi), but they are all great in their respective roles. All the emotional notes hit home just as they should, when they should, not killing you with overwrought melodrama as you might expect. Yet it has has this truly haunting quality that stayed with me a long, long time.
Lolita (1997)
Relentless and Haunting
Of course it helps to have a movie is based on a classic work of literature by the likes of Nabokov. If you appreciate moral ambiguity I can think of few other stories with water muddier these. Yet the 1962 version by none other than Stanley Kubrick falls immeasurably short in nearly all regards by comparison to this adaptation. Jeremy Irons delivers one of his finest performances, and Dominique Swain gives assuredly her best in just her second picture ever. Irons portraying a redeemable pedophile is nothing short of witchcraft, and Swain is no less sorcerous with a manic pixie dream girl performance that is leagues beyond any Dunsts or Mary Elizabeth Winsteads. Add to them stellar supporting work by Melanie Griffith and Frank Langella, and it's no surprise that the film is such a triumph. It's definitely understandable why someone would find the subject matter distasteful and the journey unpleasant (especially if you're a woman), but if you try attacking the movie as art you not only have no taste, you also have no soul.
Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991)
Did someone order all the '80s?
Yes, I'm aware the movie was made in '90, but they needed the extra year just to condense the whole decade into one singular spectacle. And what a spectacle it is! Perhaps living in the shadow of the far superior classic of '80s cinema to which its title pays obvious homage, Big Trouble in Little China, this gem has gotta little respect over the years. Thankfully though that is starting to change as people realize that not all knock-offs are created equal (especially in today's age of remakes, rehashes and reboots). This is just your classic buddy cop action yarn that is entirely by the numbers, without imagination or nuance. But except that for what it is and you'll have a fine time, particularly if you don't mind (or prefer!) fight scenes that last for five entire minutes without pause at a clip. Dialogue and acting? Ha. I will say however that Brandon Lee will remind you of just how charismatic a dude he was by pulling off some lines that would have completely dorkified lesser stars. Dolph does Dolph, and Tina Carrere, well...she serves at the eye candy in adequate fashion. One of the aspects I most appreciate about the film is its straight-forward role-reversal of the two leads, making Lundgren's white detective the Japanese expert while Lee is culturally-estranged from his heritage. Oh, and the Yakuza are surprisingly well fleshed out for a flick like this. As long as you don't expect any supernatural stuff like Big Trouble had I think you'll enjoy.
Starry Eyes (2014)
Utter Crap
According to Wikipedia this movie was funded from a successful Kickstarter campaign. I sorely wish that people had better things to spend their money on. Supposedly it's a horror movie, but it in no way merits that description. There is nothing even remotely riveting or scary in the entire picture. Even torture porn and gore fests at least give you something. But in this case we get to the hour mark and still nothing even untoward has happened. Vomiting does not count as body horror. Everything consequential happens in the last ten minutes of the film (a regrettably common occurrence in the genre), and even then I was chronically underwhelmed. We can all congratulate Starry Eyes for presaging the whole Weinstein fiasco by three years, but other than that it's completely lame.
El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie (2019)
Such a disappointment
I'm pretty sure I must have watched a different movie from everyone else. How can it be getting such rave reviews? Breaking Bad was one of the greatest television series of all time is completely irrelevant by comparison. So much of the plot is contrived and Jessie's ultimate fate is no more satisfying or better served than it was after the show concluded. That's why I struggle to see how even (or especially?) hardcore fans of the show could get their fix, excuse the pun, from this nothing burger of a ride, pun again. Watch it for the acting I guess? But be wanred that even the high profile cameos you'll get do nothing except serve as distractions. As so often is the case they should have just left well enough alone.
Men (2022)
FINALLY!
At LAST a movie with a strong female lead! Yes! Men sooo need to be taken down a peg. Such a long time coming. If I saw one more movie about men throwing their junk around, slapping women down and thinking they're all that, I just don't know what I'd do. So yeah. Watch this movie if you want to see men finally getting their comeuppance. Smash the patriarchy. Too little of that these days. Great acting by the woman, whatever her name is, and the dudes were all properly scummy. It wasn't even because they were white and English either. Feel good ending you'll be sure to enjoy. Watch this one with your significant other and they'll definitely thank you.
Excision (2012)
False advertising
If you're looking for scares, this ain't it. Perhaps this is just a case of improper marketing, but this movie should not be advertised as horror, "psychological" or otherwise. If I went into this watching with more realistic expectations I might have a better opinion of it. It is much more in line with the likes of Heathers, Donnie Darko, The Butcher Boy, or some other dark and brooding teen angst drama. In fact, no small portion of the gore seems a little too much like it was conceived by an edgelord teenager. Still, the acting is good, especially by Traci Lords of all people, not to mention Annalynne McCord, who not only manages to be a convincing 18 despite being 25, but also does homely quite well despite being one of the pretty people. So if you're in the mood for a creepy trek through the dark side of high school clique warfare then this will more than do the trick.
Wishmaster 4: The Prophecy Fulfilled (2002)
Thank Djinn I'm done
I see that most other reviewers of this series seem to rate the third one as the worst. And for the most part they're probably right, not that the fourth installment is much better. It's got all the same problems as its predecessor: horrible acting, boring subplots that go nowhere, almost no action to speak of, yet somehow it's not quite as aggressively dull. This time around we have some schlub playing the Djinn in disguise instead of Sean Connery's son, though it's still the same guy in make-up, for all the good that does. He's still going on and on about "the prophecy", and now even has phantom genies showing up to tell him to get a move on with his quest. There's also a bizarre bit of contrivance where some other immortal being shows up just so something can happen. In conclusion, still awful, just not most awful.
Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell (2001)
Sure, go ahead, you obviously like crap
Wow, I mean, when a franchise can't even hold onto its main baddie's actor, that's when you know it's dead. Basically the best part of the series is gone, and it wasn't even that good to begin with. Perhaps you're thinking this will be so bad it's funny. You'd be wrong. The replacement Djinn is utterly dull, so that even when he gives us a break from the hum-drum normies of the film we'll be like *SNORE*. One of our heroes becomes invested with the spirit of St. Michael...I guess? That's about as interesting as things get. The gore is less than special, so what else is to be said? Just one more installment in the series and then I can kiss this god-awful franchise goodbye!
I Take Responsibility (2020)
Did all the reviews get taken down?
To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Rick and Morty. The humour is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the jokes will go over a typical viewer's head. There's also Rick's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into his characterisation- his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of these jokes, to realise that they're not just funny- they say something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Rick & Morty truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humour in Rick's existential catchphrase "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub," which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Dan Harmon's genius wit unfolds itself on their television screens. What fools.. how I pity them. 😂
And yes, by the way, i DO have a Rick & Morty tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- and even then they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand. Nothin personnel kid.
Wishmaster 2: Evil Never Dies (1999)
Awful, even by Wishmaster standards.
It's horror, it's a sequel...it's going to be bad. But even with that understanding you're bound to be disappointed. About half way through I started fast fowarding anytime the Wishmaster was offscreen. The other characters just had such awful dialogue with such awful acting that I couldn't sit through it. And the scenes were completely pointless, so obviously written in just to pad the run time. Wishmaster steals a soul, heroine cries on priest's shoulder, rinse, repeat. One scene, no exaggeration, was the Wishmaster sitting at a desk, grinning in typical fashion, and he waves his hand and says "magic"...cut to next scene. Seriously, no context. Botched editing or horrible directing, you be the judge.
Wishmaster (1997)
Sweet '90s Camp
A woefully maligned horror flick that thankfully has garnered better treatment in recent years.
Now, I'm not a horror junkie who will thumbs-up just any schlock that has some gore in it. But I am a sucker for practical effects, and this baby has got them in spades. Great stuff interwoven with early cgi that makes for fantastic special effects. It's produced by Wes Craven, so right there you're off to a good start. Don't get me wrong though, it's not like the movie is without its problems (the djinn is an alien???), nor will it be for everyone. But I think it delivers exactly what it advertises: good, cheesy, sometimes funny quasi-horror that will keep you well entertained if you're a fan of the genre. Oh and man, our dude the Wishmaster really should have done more voice work in his career!
Caveat (2020)
I Found Your Mother
With those four words, uttered at exactly 37 minutes into the movie I was officially out. For the price of admission I went along with the ridiculous premise, all the absurd contrivances, the plot holes and all the other obstacles to my willing suspension of disbelief. But as soon as the main character uttered those words I said "eff you, film" (though I did finish it). Because those lines, all semblance of rationality has left the protagonist, if he had any to begin with. There is just NO REASON for him to, other than it having to happen for the story to continue.
Needless to say, from there the absurdities only compound upon each other. At a certain point characters just stop speaking to each other, because talking would have derailed the plot. Don't expect any answers, either, because you'll get none. Seriously, screw this movie.
Also, dude has SUCH an aggressive beard. It was so distracting for me. He wasn't playing a wizard. There was just no need for so much beard just to show that time has passed.
The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial (1988)
Weak adaption, but still a decent watch
The story will probably be familiar to most, as it is a famous work that has been done many times over, both on the stage and screen. Unfortunately most of the other variations are probably better. It is a tribute to the original work that a flawed production like this can still capture an audience's imagination and manage to entertain even when 99% of the film takes place in a single, sterile location. The production relies on the strength its acting, with such standouts as Jeff Daniels, Brad Davis and Peter Gallagher delivering stellar performances. The film undeniably suffers from its spartan set though when it comes to the final act and Greenwald finally confronts Keefer. His anger seems so out of place because we've only seen Keefer in one brief scene and we are given nothing to hold against the character. Bogart's version at least had the benefit of flashbacks to the actual events to lend context to trial. Yet if one is a fan of the original play or movie you can do far worse than to see the material plays out like it would on the stage.
The Serpent (2021)
Great Series
There are times in life, that I think everybody sometimes has, where you find out about an event that happened in one's life and you say "how did I miss that", "where was I", or "how do I not hear more about that". Well recently for me it was the events portrayed in the 2021 BBC-Netflix series The Serpent. It's just such a sensational story, something right out of a Hollywood script, and when you see the dubious words "inspired by true events" you can't help but thinking that a lot of creative liberties had to be taken. But no, the series was amazing faithful to historical facts. The tale is epic, spanning decades, and the series does a phenomenal job recounting nearly everything there is to know about a serial killer who preyed on young travelers in southeast Asia in the '70s. So much of it is just unbelievable, but then you look up the history and you see that it really happened. The acting is phenomenal as well, Tahar Rahim and Jenna Coleman simply disappearing into their roles so that you'll not be able to see them as anyone else for a long time to come. My only gripe is that the back and forth time jumps seem kind of gimmicky at times and can confuse things rather than enhance them, but other than that I can really find no fault with anything in the series. Plus, if you're as interested in the story as I was you'll see that that events have unfolded even further just since the series came out.
Synecdoche, New York (2008)
Pretentious beyond belief
When I was in school I used to have an IQ of 15. My classmates used to harass me for not being that smart. But since 2013, my life has changed. My IQ is now 195 and it increases by 5 every time I sit down on Saturday nights to watch this one show. It is called Rick and Morty. Because of that, I get all the girls and people are always comparing me to Albert Einstein, some even say that I am the cure for cancer. When the government found out that I watch Rick and Morty, they showed up to my residence and took me to a secret facility to take an exam. The exam was about explaining all the jokes in Rick and Morty and I had to answer each question in all currently spoken languages. Since I watched Rick and Morty, I didn't have any problems and I completed it in 30 minutes. The next day, I got to see the results and I passed the exam with a score of 100%. They gave me the title "Smartest Man in Existence". Guess I am out of this world.
Krampus (2015)
Spoiled by two faults
Screaming and darkness. A lot of viewers might find these things fine in their horror movies. For me, not so much. I found the constant screeching to be a big annoyance, as was the lack of light in many of the scenes so that you couldn't really tell what was going on. It's too bad, too, because if it weren't for these factors I could have really enjoyed the film.
Screaming and darkness. A lot of viewers might find these things fine in their horror movies. For me, not so much. I found the constant screeching to be a big annoyance, as was the lack of light in many of the scenes so that you couldn't really tell what was going on. It's too bad, too, because if it weren't for these factors I could have really enjoyed the film.
28 Weeks Later (2007)
Not just bad, it's Awful.
Trust no one who likes this movie. It is utter crap.
After a quick adrenaline rush at the film's intro it's another forty minute slog before you get any further decent action. I could hardly believe they reused an exact same fatality from the original film because apparently it was just that good? Plus they very conveniently skip ahead in time when there would have been no feasible way for the virus to spread otherwise. Then to top everything off we have one of the most annoying movie tropes ever, the dreaded children are the future. Yes, we have to put all of humanity at risk because, that's right, there are minors involved. God I hate kids as heroes.
The top absurdity had to be chopping up a pack of zombies, mid-flight, with a helicopter's rotor blades. And if that doesn't ruin the film for you there's the fact that zombie dad somehow survives firebombing and chemical attacks to find his kids and try to eat them one last time.
Best of all I think we can look forward to zombies in Paris. Hurrah!
Hellboy Animated: Blood and Iron (2007)
Not worth your time
Most people probably won't be put off by the quasi-anime style of the animation, but it brought nothing to the story for me. The same thing goes for the celebrity actors they employed for the voice-work. Most of Perlman's one-liners end up falling flat and the pointless action scenes seem to last forever. The inverse chronology of the storyline eventually pays off, but that's of little consequence as Hellboy tromps through whatever else is going on at the time. The logical inconsistencies will bother even the most accommodating viewers. Skip it.