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Ruanek
Reviews
Baiohazâdo 6 (2012)
Complete piece of sh*t!
My review is about the newly released PC version of the game. And it's easily the worst game I've played/endured in years. It's an interactive movie masquerading as a third-person shooter pretending to be survival horror. It's full of explosions, crashes, falls, endless running and even a car chase, appealing only to mindless drones without any taste. Uninspired story, dull support characters, convoluted controls and overall moronic design choices are what this game is all about. You can't take two fu**ing steps without a cutscene, a quick-time event and those aggravating prompts where you have to press a button to climb ladders, crates or open doors. Congrats! You've proved to be as smart as any disease-ridden rodent trying to get a piece of cheese! I'm fairy certain than none of the persons "working" on this game have never played any installment of the series or even give a rat's furry behind about it. Games are supposed to be fun - this one feels like a chore. Most of the time I felt like taking a blunt, rusty knife to the nether region of the ones responsible for this piece of garbage. After you've finally suffered through a campaign you're harassed by the credits that seem to go on forever and can't be skipped. Talk about attention whores. Well, it does provide some useful information as those are definitely the names you'd want to see on a pink slip. I give RE6 one star only because the voice acting at least was well-done, as expected, unlike the rest of it, which was not.
Lost Girl (2010)
A TV series with a succubus? It sucks, all right.
First of all, a series that's called "Lost Girl" probably shouldn't have a 36 year-old woman starring in it. Either that or they should rename it to "Lost Golden Girl". Second, I find that Anna Silk has zero sex appeal. Then again - she is over 25, so that explains it. As for the rest of "actors" - m-e-h. The story itself is just boring. Buffy had mainly vampires and demons. Here you have fantasy, myths and all sorts of freaks mixed together, the show is all over the map. I'm certain the only reason they went with a succubus instead of a vampire is so they could write in more sex scenes into what's already borderline soft porn. The series seems uninspired and cheap. The producers probably had to choose whether to fund this project or buy a pack of gum. I guess we've all come to regret their decision.
Linda wrote: "Why can't a woman above 30 be sexy? I really don't understand that!" Well, let me spell it out for you and the others who feel the same way about Anna Silk and other women in her situation: a woman is considered old at age 27. It's pretty much a Law of Nature. Every woman wearing a bra accepts the Law of Gravity, so why not this one? If a woman doesn't have a husband (or at least a boyfriend) by the time she's 27, she might as well start stockpiling cheap wine and cat food. Chances are the only male companionship in her life's gonna be a Siamese named Fluffy. Furthermore there's only one type of women who wear tight leather outfits. They usually wear matching whips and chains, too. Still, hope remains for women over 30 - there are some sick guys with a grandmother complex, like Banderas or Kutcher.
Cowboys & Aliens (2011)
A very special movie
And I mean special as in special education. When you read a title like Cowboys and Aliens you just know it's gonna end badly. However, the actual movie is not as bad as the title - it's a lot worse. The only positive thing I can say about this movie is that it builds the immune system, much like a disease. Throwing your money out the window or giving it to charity would be a far better investment of both your time and money. When people start calling no talent bums like Daniel Craig and Olivia Wilde actors it's like an invitation to steal. Please, if you absolutely have to cast a chick, at least cast one that is easy on the eyes. I didn't even realize Harrison Ford was in this movie until I read the cast list. Well, I can't be expected to recognize every old geezer. I thought Harrison Ford has been dead for years - wait, that was his career! But the most disgusting part is the writing. It's not just Sci-Fi Channel bad, but downright retarded, like it's been written by a monkey with a typewriter, or a politician. I'm not talking about minor inconsistencies or plot holes. This flick is full of scenes that make no sense whatsoever.
Scenes like the following:
- why would this alien take off his weapon and put it right next to Craig, who wasn't even sedated? I guess the alien didn't expect Craig to resist anal probing.
- Craig, totally disoriented, manages to evade dozens of aliens and keeps pretty much the most powerful weapon of theirs. And this weapon is pretty neat: anyone can use it, it has no safety switch, doesn't need batteries (so even women can use it, I guess), it warns when other aliens are nearby (but apparently cannot be detected itself) and can disintegrate a big-ass spaceship..... except it's a bracelet. Guess the aliens come from a planet that's big on Show Tunes...
- of all the possible reasons like colonization, extermination and slavery the writers picked the dumbest idea I can think of why the aliens came. They came for the gold. Not some rare element that exists only on Earth, or water or even oil. That is beyond lame.
- why would the aliens abduct those humans? They were not used as slaves or food, just hooked up to some green light floating above them and staring at it like zombies (alien version of television?). Wilde said the humans were abducted so the aliens could learn their weaknesses (through invasive medical procedures). Except the aliens seem physically superior to humans. Combine that with weapons that can blow up a mountain and you don't need medical experiments, just a general idea on which continent your enemy is.
- Wilde's character, Ella (yeah, that's an alien sounding name) claims she is the only survivor of a civilization that was destroyed by the aliens and she came to warn humanity (the only time I buy the sole survivor crap is in Mass Effect). So she traveled from some unknown planet in an unknown galaxy by unknown means. Yet she doesn't warn anybody, just uses the humans to take revenge on the aliens by blowing up their ship.
- Wilde dies in Craig's arms shortly after being mistaken for an organ donor by a crashed alien (I'd like to see Craig carry her for real a few miles. Hope the poor guy didn't sprain his back). Back at the camp the posse gets captured by Indians and taken to their village. As soon as they arrive, some Indian tosses the cadaver into the camp fire. What the hell? Their women were probably cooking dinner over that fire just minutes ago! Or did they keep it burning in case they happen to find a corpse? Did Indians even do that? I mean they're Indians, not Vikings. Why would Indians drag the body of a dead white chick to their village and then cremate it? Next thing you know there's a lot of CGI, I mean flames, Wilde takes human form but clothes are evidently not part of the deal (don't worry, you won't go blind or anything, it's just her back).
- the aliens mastered spaceflight yet they avoid daylight and make almost no use of their technology. Their ship has no sensors inside or outside, no security cameras, no guards, not even a freaking window. The humans had to blow up half their ship so the aliens would notice them.
In conclusion: don't watch this train wreck - unless you're a glutton for punishment and have eaten at least half an hour before the movie starts.
P.S.: you might wanna take a bag (preferably plastic, paper soaks through) with you, nothing too fancy, just big enough for, say, your stomach contents. And maybe a friend if you have long hair...
Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)
Resident Evil in name only
Needless to say, one of the worst movies I've seen (so far). When you see that the director is also the one who wrote the script you know it's gonna be really bad. The biggest disappointment is the plot (or the lack of it). Wikipedia calls it "film adaptation based loosely on Capcom's survival horror video game series Resident Evil". Loosely translated it means "don't worry if you didn't play any of the games, you won't know the difference. Sucker." Here are some of the most glaring plot holes: Wesker injected Alice with some drug that supposedly took away all of her powers, yet she survived the plane crash a few seconds later without a scratch and, after a few months, jumped off a building and killed zombies like nothing ever happened. Guess the drug works pretty slow... The Executioner Majini (big guy with equally big axe), originally from Africa, suddenly appears at the prison in Los Angeles? C'mon, that is just retarded. There's also zombies digging thorough the floor - were they bitten by radioactive gophers? The viral outbreak and a few characters is all this train wreck has in common with the name Resident Evil. A bunch of survivors huddled together in a building besieged by zombies? I'd take "Dawn of the Dead" any day of the week over this travesty. Most acting was mediocre at best. Shawn Roberts tried and failed, simply by not being old enough, I expect better performance in the future. On a side note: They probably blew most of the CGI budget on Wesker's glowing eyes. What kind of a douche wears sunglasses inside? I guess that makes Wentworth Miller best actor. Well, he had the home turf advantage, playing Michael Scofield in Prison Break :-) We now come to the worst element ( element = :-), you'll get it), by which I mean Milla Jovovich. Would she have gotten the role if she wasn't the director's main squeeze? I doubt it very much. But then again, Paul W.S. Anderson must have seen her without any make-up and obviously thinks she's still presentable. That guy is a real trooper. The best thing she can do is butt out and leave acting to more talented and younger women. She and some other "actresses" out there should get it once and for all time straight: no one wants to see a woman over thirty (a.k.a. soccer mom) wearing anything skin tight like spandex or leather!!!
Avatar (2009)
Simply don't watch it (means it's really, really bad).
Well, as a lot of normal (1-star rating) users have pointed out, the whole movie feels like a trip on LSD - maybe visually stunning, but rather to be avoided. Throw in expressions like racism, white guilt, xenophobia and you're bound to hit something. Almost all reviews I read stated that the visuals were great. You know what they say - the prettiest flowers grow on a dung pile. We're almost in the year 2010, people! It's a GIVEN that a movie with this budget would have great CGI! And while not exactly standard, it's hardly something to write home about. How disappointing that so many moviegoers would be dazzled by this light show, like CGI is the only criteria that matters. Granted, the CGI artists did a great job, so what the hell did James Cameron do? After all, it's his name you'd associate with this disaster. It's one thing to steal ideas from other directors, but when Cameron has to steal from his old movies, you know it's gonna be bad. Acting, the little there was, was bad, corny, flat, whatever. Cameron didn't care, why should I. Also the many, many plot holes so big you could fly that red critter through. They didn't even bother to think of original (or at least appropriate) names. A mineral called Unobtanium? And what's with the misleading movie title "Avatar"? Trying to lure in some unsuspecting WOW players? Don't want to get personal, but when you see users hand out positive reviews, some serious name-calling is in order. I really don't get how "directors" like Cameron and Uwe Boll (yes, I'm now using both names in one sentence) get their funding. Maybe it's a scam, like in "The Producers", where Cameron actually makes more money by creating a total flop. That's the only explanation. There's also Cameron's (as he might think well) disguised military/political critique. Personally, I don't give a rat's ass about what directors, actors or writers think about politics and much less the statements they make in public. They probably know as much about politics as I know about Terraforming. The world view Cameron tried to convey in his movie over a period of two and a half hours is not only naive, but utterly unrealistic. If there was a mineral worth 20.000.000 a pound, ANY company would not only relocate the natives living there, they would put them all into a giant meat grinder, just to see if their bones contained trace amounts of that mineral. Just think about it. Let's say there's a superior party that badly wants something that native inhabitants possess and won't part with. One group has a large war machinery behind it and combat training, the others have bows and arrows. Something's gotta give...
Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 (1995)
Still the best fighting game
Even after thirteen years UMK3 (Arcade) is still the best beat'm'up title i can think of. It would have been a near perfect game if not for some conceptual flaws and plain bugs/glitches. I've listed some of the most obvious below. The great intro from MK3 is missing completely - character portraits have been replaced by VS screen pictures, most of them are missing. Classic Sub-Zero, Human Smoke and Ermac are missing finishers - absolutely unacceptable. Some unimaginative fatalities; nudalities are still missing, which I consider a major drawback, considering the exceptionally hot female cast :-) Messed up animalities: Sheeva turns into a scorpion and Styker into a T.rex? Those are clearly reserved for Scorpion and Reptile. Cheap AI: the CPU counterattacks at leisure since it doesn't have to actually push the button combinations, in essence cheating. Smoke's and Reptile's invisibility is totally useless, you can't even see your own player while the CPU knows exactly where you are. Jade's Projectile Invincibility is totally ludicrous and so is her 34% combo. And she uses both in concert to pound you into the floor. In some instances the CPU's combo does more damage than yours - what's up with that? Some characters like the cybers or the female ninjas should have been combined into one, while others like Jax and Stryker should have been left out entirely. It's not against Michael O'Brian, but Stryker has to be the lamest fighter ever. Throwing grenades and firing a gun - my grandma can do that, too. Both Sub-Zeros should have been combined into one that's masked. Human Smoke has the same moves as Scorpion and even better combos. Still, just another palette-swap ninja, unnecessary. Motaro should have been replaced by Goro or Kintaro. A horsey simply doesn't belong in a fighting game; the characters have at least to be humanoid. You're supposed to fight with your fists, not hoofs and tails. And what faggot decided that Lia Montelongo should wear that god awful wig? She was totally hot in MK Mythologies. Here, she looks like a scarecrow, definitely a case of pearls before swine. Then there's some moron who came up with the idea for those Kombat Kodes that consist of stupid changes in game-play: Dark Fighting - what the f***? and idiotic messages like "Hold Flippers during casino run". Spending time and ROM space on such trivialities while fighters were left unfinished is nothing short of retarded. Overall, the game feels like a beta version, but it sure beats all the crap that came after it, including Mortal Kombat Trilogy.
Starship Troopers 3: Marauder (2008)
Not as bad as the second movie, which is still pretty bad.
At first, it looked really promising, especially with Casper Van Dien on board again. Needless to say, I was disappointed. Marauder is arguably better than the second movie, but not by enough. The shallow plot, cheap CGI and awful acting, just about everything leaves much to be desired. Van Dien's acting could and should have been better. Blalock was awful, as I expected - at least she's consistent. Obviously, she's been cast exclusively for her (way overrated) looks. Making the breast pockets of the uniform bulge just doesn't cut it, baby! Let's face it: she's no Denise Richards or Amy Smart. Boris Kodjoe was o.k., I guess, but he made Van Dien kinda look bad. Then they totally miscast the doctor. I wouldn't trust someone who looks like him with my medication. And then there's this preaching bimbo, Marnette Patterson, who probably wasn't anywhere near a church, ever. She's either the best actress I've seen (highly unlikely) or really as dumb as a post. And let's not forget about Cécile Breccia. Quite frankly, I didn't understand her accent. This led me to believe that she either has a speech impairment or an impairment somewhere more vital. If (big if indeed) you somehow suffer through to the end, you'll be rewarded with some (cheap/misplaced/unnecessary) nudity. One last thing: the Sky Marshall song's title "It is a good day to die" is clearly "borrowed" from the Klingons. But, just like the other Star Trek lending, Jolene Blalock, it did nothing to improve the movie's quality.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
One of the worst movies I've seen, total trash.
The last movie I saw, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, nearly made me comment on it, then I decided not to. But I'm not letting this one slide. Makes one really wonder how some "directors" get the funding and presumably good actors and still manage to screw it up, whereas more talented newcomers create masterpieces with next to nothing. Seriously, the actors must be just in for the money. They can't need the money that badly, can they? Actors like these would most likely even sell their mothers if the price is right. But I'm digressing. This movie is bad in every regard, except maybe for the CGI. The humor of this movie is infantile at best, appealing only to toddlers, who also wrote the dialogs, as it would seem. The make-up for the elfs looks definitely like a mix of Stargate Wraith, Vampire, Zombie and possibly some other undead. Unfortunately, the only one warranting a mask isn't wearing any. Speaking of Selma Blair and her utterly pathetic acting - I find one scene particularly amusing, the one where she's acting like a schoolgirl on LSD while taking a pregnancy test. I think we all know that she is well beyond the age of showing such displays of exhilaration. In conclusion: avoid this piece of s**t at all costs, don't waste your time, money, sanity or even bandwidth. And don't buy the (hopefully never to be released) DVD to show it to your friends or family - unless you really, really, really hate their guts.
Eragon (2006)
A total waste of time - and everything else...
Well, I think there are some movies which may not be overly educational, others may actually damage brain cells. If that's true, than this one is a regular lobotomy. This celluloid abomination is easily the worst "movie" I've seen so far. There is nothing even remotely positive about it. The plot, cast, costumes, etc. - everything is totally awful. To give this one a B-rating would be a blatant injustice to the movies in that category. Rather, it deserves a category of its own, one I'd like to call F-Movie, if you catch my drift. Compared to this, Dragonheart is a masterpiece. I'd like to comment on some of the more striking scenes: First of all - a female dragon? What's she/it supposed to do - nag the opponents to death, or is it some kind of (very) twisted love story? Then there is King Galbatorix(so where's Asterix, anyway)who's supposed to be the archenemy, but who doesn't leave his castle/cave even once, so maybe he's a vampire? Also, he doesn't seem to have any powers at all. So what's the secret of his leadership - free dental insurance? And what about Brom's sword, the one Eragon uses to kill Durza? I thought it was something like Excalibur, but apparently it was no more magical than the sticks they were fighting with near the river (which is about the only swordfighting scene). Then you have Eragon's healing powers (is he a warrior or a nurse?) - so what's up with the glowing hands - does he have a freakin' Goa'uld in the family tree, or what? But the best scene by far is when Eragon is determined to save Arya - which essentially means walking right into a trap, throwing away thousands of years of resistance and endangering the lives of the little partisans. All this because he had a hard-on after he saw a sleasy slut in a wet dream? How f..... up is that? So please, don't waste your time and money on this one.
SiN Episodes: Emergence (2006)
It could be a lot better.
"This game is just another Half-Life 2 clone." Which is a pretty sad comment, considering that HL2 sucks noodles. I'm not complaining about the Havoc engine, the graphics are fine and I had only a few glitches I can think of and no crashes. But the point is that the game has lost its style, along with the superb atmosphere of its predecessor. At least for me, it's the most important thing - and it went down the drain. No more snappy dialogs between Blade and J.C., no more funny notes, inventive secrets or remarkable locations. What you get in return is the possibility to move things around - wow.... For Christ's sake, this is supposed to be a shooter where you should BLOW things up, not mess around with them! So the only positive thing left is the sound. Zak Belica did a great job with the music, especially with the song "What's the World Come To", performed by Sarah Ravenscroft. Somewhat disappointed were the dialogs of Blade(Eric Mills) and J.C.(Billy O'Sullivan). Blade sounds as good as ever, but has only a few lines, which I also consider a major drawback of the game. J.C.'s voice sounds a little "uninspired" to me. And now the best part: the voice acting of Jen Taylor. Now this is what I call a beautiful voice! Never heard it before, though she did voice acting for quite a few games. Again, great compliment to her. And, of course, Hannah Logan. We all know her from the original game, so I expected nothing less than flawless performance. Bottom line is: without Zac Belica's music, Hannah Logan's and Jen Taylor's sexy voices, I wouldn't bother to play it again.