I must say that, in most respects, I found 'Ghost' a very good film. It made me laugh, it made me cry, and it probably made me feel a lot of other things too. The only parts of it I really did not like were those truly horrible scenes where assorted bad guys die and are shown being dragged off somewhere probably-not-at-all-nice by ghastly shadowy spectres or demons. Were those scenes really necessary?
Reviews
17 Reviews
Dr. T & the Women
(2000)
Watch it for the women
10 September 2001
I must admit that the only reason I went to see this film was so that I could perve upon one of the actresses in it: namely, the lovely Liv Tyler (most devastated was I to learn of her engagement earlier in the year). While she did not disappoint, the film as a whole was a little on the lacklustre side: dragging on for far too long and seeming a little aimless (maybe it would have been a bit more entertaining if the title character had been MR T). It wasn't all bad, though. Its portrayal of a gynaecologist as some sort of (perhaps unlikely) sex symbol was rather interesting, and the town that it was set in (one filled with rich, beautiful women) was one that I'd certainly like to take up residence in myself. Oh, and the loonies in the rocking chairs were good for a laugh too.
Russian Doll
(2001)
Another nail in the AFI coffin?
24 August 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Achtung!!! May contain spoilers.
I must admit that, having seen quite a few lacklustre Australian flicks in recent times, I tend to shudder a bit whenever I see the words "Australian Film Finance Corporation" anywhere in the opening credits of a locally-produced flick. "Russian Doll" was no exception and sadly, it seemed, my apprehension was justified this time.
This movie revolves around a former private-investigator called Harvey who becomes thoroughly disillusioned with his work after he accidentally spies (with his hi-tech surveillance equipment) his girlfriend cheating on him. (As soon as she realizes that she has been seen by him, she gives him the most infuriatingly stupid-looking grin and waves at him: something that made me feel like jumping into the movie and smacking her in the face). Throwing in his job, therefore, he decides to devote his time to writing a crime novel instead, and while doing this, is persuaded by an old friend of his called Ethan to enter into a marriage of convenience with a Russian woman called Katia. Katia is Ethan's mistress and the man wants Harvey to marry her so that she can remain in the country. With many misgivings, Harvey agrees to go along with the plan, and his soon-to-be "Russian bride" moves in with him. At first, they can't stand being in the same room with one another, but after a while, they start getting used to each other and well, you can probably guess what happens after that.
Overall, this movie was nothing terribly original, and the longer it went, the more bored I grew. One thing that disappointed me was the way that Katia looked more Greek than Russian (even though she was played by a real Russian actress from what I heard). Having seen enough "wog" movies (one of my country's more unusual exports) over the years, I was sort of disappointed that I seemed to be seeing yet another wog in a movie that wasn't even about them. I was also disappointed by the way that Harvey fell for her rather than her friend Liza, who was a real spunk in my opinion and seemed to have more genuine feelings towards him than Katia did.
I must admit that, having seen quite a few lacklustre Australian flicks in recent times, I tend to shudder a bit whenever I see the words "Australian Film Finance Corporation" anywhere in the opening credits of a locally-produced flick. "Russian Doll" was no exception and sadly, it seemed, my apprehension was justified this time.
This movie revolves around a former private-investigator called Harvey who becomes thoroughly disillusioned with his work after he accidentally spies (with his hi-tech surveillance equipment) his girlfriend cheating on him. (As soon as she realizes that she has been seen by him, she gives him the most infuriatingly stupid-looking grin and waves at him: something that made me feel like jumping into the movie and smacking her in the face). Throwing in his job, therefore, he decides to devote his time to writing a crime novel instead, and while doing this, is persuaded by an old friend of his called Ethan to enter into a marriage of convenience with a Russian woman called Katia. Katia is Ethan's mistress and the man wants Harvey to marry her so that she can remain in the country. With many misgivings, Harvey agrees to go along with the plan, and his soon-to-be "Russian bride" moves in with him. At first, they can't stand being in the same room with one another, but after a while, they start getting used to each other and well, you can probably guess what happens after that.
Overall, this movie was nothing terribly original, and the longer it went, the more bored I grew. One thing that disappointed me was the way that Katia looked more Greek than Russian (even though she was played by a real Russian actress from what I heard). Having seen enough "wog" movies (one of my country's more unusual exports) over the years, I was sort of disappointed that I seemed to be seeing yet another wog in a movie that wasn't even about them. I was also disappointed by the way that Harvey fell for her rather than her friend Liza, who was a real spunk in my opinion and seemed to have more genuine feelings towards him than Katia did.
All Men Are Liars
(1995)
In a word, YUCK!
24 August 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Warning: possible spoilers ahead
During the 1990s, the Australian film industry produced many fine films - films such as "Strictly Ballroom", "Romper Stomper", and "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" - which earnt it much well-deserved recognition overseas. Unfortunately, it also produced such crap as the execrable "comedy" "All Men Are Liars".
Basically, this movie revolves around a family in the sugar-growing region of Queensland, and the turmoil that this family finds itself in when the father, Barry, rather heartlessly sells the mother's piano. Unfortunately, soon after being taken away, the piano is accidentally destroyed by a train which is about the only remotely funny incident in the whole film. Incognizant of the piano's unfortunate destruction, one of the kids in the family - a guy called Mick - vows to earn enough money to buy the piano back, and gets a chance to do just that when some band turns up in town. Soon after arriving, the band boots out its only male member for assorted sexual shenanigans, and starts looking for a replacement among the locals. Unfortunately, due to the bad experiences the band had with the member it just got rid of, the replacement has to be a woman: something that prompts (a rather reluctant) Mick to dress up in drag and try his luck joining the band cunningly disguised as a member of the opposite sex. Thankfully his ruse (despite being terribly unconvincing to the audience) succeeds and he is in. Unfortunately, however, many predictable complications arise when the band's lead singer (played by real-life Australian popstar Toni Pearen) starts falling for him without really knowing why.
Although it may sound vaguely amusing, "All Men Are Liars' is, in reality, an unmitigated heap of crap. The dialogue is terrible and the main character is a rather pathetic individual. Not only does he not look terribly convincing as a woman (as noted above), but he also doesn't use his masquerade as a chance to have some evil fun with the women he finds himself working among. The scene in which he is finally unmasked is also pretty vomitive; as soon as she discovers that he is not a woman after all, the aforementioned lead singer slaps him twice in the face (once on each side) before kneeing him in the nads: a despicable act of violence that is, no doubt, perfectly acceptable in the film-maker's eyes given that the aggressor is a woman, the victim is a man, and all that crap.
Unless you have the hots for Toni Pearen (in which case, you are very SAD and should seek professional help at the earliest available opportunity), give this film a miss.
During the 1990s, the Australian film industry produced many fine films - films such as "Strictly Ballroom", "Romper Stomper", and "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" - which earnt it much well-deserved recognition overseas. Unfortunately, it also produced such crap as the execrable "comedy" "All Men Are Liars".
Basically, this movie revolves around a family in the sugar-growing region of Queensland, and the turmoil that this family finds itself in when the father, Barry, rather heartlessly sells the mother's piano. Unfortunately, soon after being taken away, the piano is accidentally destroyed by a train which is about the only remotely funny incident in the whole film. Incognizant of the piano's unfortunate destruction, one of the kids in the family - a guy called Mick - vows to earn enough money to buy the piano back, and gets a chance to do just that when some band turns up in town. Soon after arriving, the band boots out its only male member for assorted sexual shenanigans, and starts looking for a replacement among the locals. Unfortunately, due to the bad experiences the band had with the member it just got rid of, the replacement has to be a woman: something that prompts (a rather reluctant) Mick to dress up in drag and try his luck joining the band cunningly disguised as a member of the opposite sex. Thankfully his ruse (despite being terribly unconvincing to the audience) succeeds and he is in. Unfortunately, however, many predictable complications arise when the band's lead singer (played by real-life Australian popstar Toni Pearen) starts falling for him without really knowing why.
Although it may sound vaguely amusing, "All Men Are Liars' is, in reality, an unmitigated heap of crap. The dialogue is terrible and the main character is a rather pathetic individual. Not only does he not look terribly convincing as a woman (as noted above), but he also doesn't use his masquerade as a chance to have some evil fun with the women he finds himself working among. The scene in which he is finally unmasked is also pretty vomitive; as soon as she discovers that he is not a woman after all, the aforementioned lead singer slaps him twice in the face (once on each side) before kneeing him in the nads: a despicable act of violence that is, no doubt, perfectly acceptable in the film-maker's eyes given that the aggressor is a woman, the victim is a man, and all that crap.
Unless you have the hots for Toni Pearen (in which case, you are very SAD and should seek professional help at the earliest available opportunity), give this film a miss.
The Wonder Years
(1988–1993)
A show that I probably should have enjoyed but didn't
23 August 2001
A few years back in my country, "The Wonder Years" was a show that seemed to get dragged out at the start of every summer non-ratings period on television. Whenever it did, I always made an effort to tune into it, but found that I could never watch more than a few episodes of it before giving up on it in boredom and disgust. So what was wrong with it? Maybe the slight but nonetheless highly significant fact that its main character was so damn BORING! Yes, good ol' Kevin Arnold - or Everyteen as he perhaps should have been called instead - was a truly dull child of the sixties (or any other decade for that matter). As far as I could tell from those episodes of the show that I forced myself to sit through, he didn't do drugs; he didn't indulge in free love; he didn't dress in the clothing of the opposite sex and play with dolls; he didn't worship Satan and pledge eternal allegiance to the forces of darkness; he didn't distinguish himself at school in any way; he didn't join the Hells Angels; hell, he didn't even seem to have much luck with the one "true" love of his life (Winnie Cooper, who he could often be seen pining pathetically over while she ignored him completely). He was just some dull kid who did what most of the other kids his age did, and you sort of got the impression that he was going to end up some equally dull adult who became just another forgettable face in the seething plebeian masses of middle-class America. In short, as a character for a TV show, he SUCKED! I experienced absolutely no feelings of empathy towards him whatsoever, and really could not have cared if he had suddenly been run over by a bus. Therefore, despite being a truly wonderful, magical show that no doubt had millions of other viewers drooling over their television screens and pining nostalgically for the truly wonderful, magical age that the sixties no doubt was, "The Wonder Years" did nothing at all for me, I'm afraid. Sorry.
Little Nicky
(2000)
I really didn't want to like this movie but...
22 August 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Warning: contains spoilers (probably)
I must admit that, five minutes into this movie, I found myself really not wanting to like it: mainly because, when it comes to the subject of hell (at least as this place has traditionally been imagined), I have probably less of a sense of humour than Alfred Rosenberg - the virulently anti-Christian "philosopher" of the Nazi party - no doubt had. I personally find the whole concept of eternal damnation repellent (and am staggered that, even in the scientifically-advanced age in which we live, so many people still believe that hell not only exists, but is also this big fiery pit under the ground), and was therefore less than amused by the way that this movie begins with a guy being condemned to eternal torment in Satan's barbecue (and for nothing more than a bit of voyeurism at that). The gag involving Adolf Hitler and a pineapple was also pretty tired, I thought.
However! As this movie progressed, I found myself (literally against my will) finding it very, very funny. How can you hate a movie, after all, that features such on-screen gems as the world's ugliest transvestite (more horrible than even the ghastliest tortures that a son of Satan can think up); not one but two scenes in which Henry Winkler gets attacked by swarms of bees; and a scene which has Ozzy Osbourne playing a pivotal role in saving the world from the forces of darkness? And as for that scene right at the end where those two metalheads find everlasting happiness in hell: that moved me so much I almost cried.
In addition to containing some fine comic moments, this film features some pretty cool characters. The aforementioned metalheads were among my favourites, as was Satan's son Adrian. Played by Rhys Ifans (who seems to have been cast as a complete prick in everything in which I have seen him of late), this character has a certain pleasing androgyny (sort of reminds me of all those '70s glam rock stars) and an English accent that proves devilishly charming.
I must admit that, five minutes into this movie, I found myself really not wanting to like it: mainly because, when it comes to the subject of hell (at least as this place has traditionally been imagined), I have probably less of a sense of humour than Alfred Rosenberg - the virulently anti-Christian "philosopher" of the Nazi party - no doubt had. I personally find the whole concept of eternal damnation repellent (and am staggered that, even in the scientifically-advanced age in which we live, so many people still believe that hell not only exists, but is also this big fiery pit under the ground), and was therefore less than amused by the way that this movie begins with a guy being condemned to eternal torment in Satan's barbecue (and for nothing more than a bit of voyeurism at that). The gag involving Adolf Hitler and a pineapple was also pretty tired, I thought.
However! As this movie progressed, I found myself (literally against my will) finding it very, very funny. How can you hate a movie, after all, that features such on-screen gems as the world's ugliest transvestite (more horrible than even the ghastliest tortures that a son of Satan can think up); not one but two scenes in which Henry Winkler gets attacked by swarms of bees; and a scene which has Ozzy Osbourne playing a pivotal role in saving the world from the forces of darkness? And as for that scene right at the end where those two metalheads find everlasting happiness in hell: that moved me so much I almost cried.
In addition to containing some fine comic moments, this film features some pretty cool characters. The aforementioned metalheads were among my favourites, as was Satan's son Adrian. Played by Rhys Ifans (who seems to have been cast as a complete prick in everything in which I have seen him of late), this character has a certain pleasing androgyny (sort of reminds me of all those '70s glam rock stars) and an English accent that proves devilishly charming.
Echo Point
(1995)
A million addresses, one fan
22 August 2001
Although it seemed to have been nigh-on universally reviled when it came out, I have to admit that I quite liked "Echo Point", mainly for the character of Edwina. Played by the rather sexy Jessica Napier, she was a most delectable little sugarbunny, I thought. Given how few other people seemed to share my love of the show, however, it was sadly axed after only one season, and I remember being quite devastated when I first learnt of its impending demise. Thankfully, most of the individual stories on the show were neatly wrapped up by the final episode although there were a few things that were left hanging in the air. What became of the historic tree that was going to be cut down (and which Frannie chained herself to in an effort to save it if I remember correctly), and did that little girl (whose name I can't remember) ever get lucky with that boy who she had the hots for? We will never know. Oh well.
The Monkees
(1965–1968)
Just another of my warped childhood influences
22 August 2001
"An American version of 'The Goodies' starring the American version of the Beatles" would be a pretty apt way of summing up "The Monkees", a delightfully offbeat television show that I first recall seeing, in rerun form, back in the late '70s (I wasn't even thought of when it first came out). Being a fanatical metalhead, I must admit that the music of the title group doesn't do a lot for me, but this hasn't prevented me from enjoying every other aspect of the above show, given how truly bizarre the last thing is. It's also not hard to see, from watching reruns of "The Monkees", just why the title group was so popular back when the aforementioned show first came out. They were four fairly good-looking young men who came across, in their TV programme at least, as genuinely nice guys. (Ugh! I can't believe I just said that! May the gods of METAL forgive me!)
Of all the episodes of "The Monkees" that I remember seeing, the one that had the most lasting effect on me was undoubtedly "Captain Crocodile". The cream pie scene at the beginning of that one really burned itself into my subconscious; seldom have I seen a more bizarre example of public humiliation on television. All I want to know is, where can I get one of those cute little leafy caps that the Monkees were forced to wear in that scene? They were cool.
Of all the episodes of "The Monkees" that I remember seeing, the one that had the most lasting effect on me was undoubtedly "Captain Crocodile". The cream pie scene at the beginning of that one really burned itself into my subconscious; seldom have I seen a more bizarre example of public humiliation on television. All I want to know is, where can I get one of those cute little leafy caps that the Monkees were forced to wear in that scene? They were cool.
Gave me a good scare
22 August 2001
It has often been said that good horror films work on the viewer's imagination, rather than drowning him or her in endless oceans of blood and gore. No movie better illustrates this principle, I feel, than the original "Invasion of the Body Snatchers". I remember seeing this movie one night almost a decade ago and, despite being eighteen at the time, I felt like a scared little boy when it came time for me to go to bed a little later on. (Before turning out the lights, I must have made at least half-a-dozen checks under my bed and everywhere else in my bedroom where it would be hypothetically possible to hide an alien seed pod.) I just couldn't help it; "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" is an incredibly unnerving film. Although the only remotely alien-looking things that appear in it are the seed pods, there is something unbelievably chilling about seeing once-normal human beings suddenly transformed into emotionless clones, and the fact that the victims of the pods are all "snatched" in their sleep certainly doesn't make it any easier to go to bed after watching this movie. Particularly creepy moments in the film, I felt, were that scene where the incomplete clone adopted the same injury that the "original" had acquired after cutting his hand, and that scene where the hero and his female companion looked in that house and saw one of the people in it about to stick a pod under the baby's bed.
If you want to be a real prick, find someone who is easily scared and make them watch this movie (preferably at night). Then, while they are doing this, get half-a-dozen or so papier-mache pods (that you had the foresight to make earlier, of course), and stick them under the victim's bed, in their closet, and anywhere else that you can think of. The results should prove most interesting.
If you want to be a real prick, find someone who is easily scared and make them watch this movie (preferably at night). Then, while they are doing this, get half-a-dozen or so papier-mache pods (that you had the foresight to make earlier, of course), and stick them under the victim's bed, in their closet, and anywhere else that you can think of. The results should prove most interesting.
Bedazzled
(2000)
A modern-day version of a Medieval morality play?
20 August 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Warning: probably contains spoilers yahdy, yahdy, yah
Judging from some of the comments I have heard made about Bedazzled (eg a glowing endorsement of it by, of all people, one of the high priests of the Church of Satan, and all the usual criticism from Christian types about how movies like it are leading young people down the left-hand path), I gather that most people regard it as some sort of wicked, decadent film (which can, of course, be a good or bad thing). I, however, regard it as essentially just a modern-day version of a Medieval morality play ie one of those "occult" movies which uses a fear of Hell and the Devil to terrify (or maybe, in this case, just coerce) its audience into being good.
This intent of the movie is fairly evident, I believe, from the opening credits which make use of such favourite Christian themes as God's ability to know all our dark and dirty secrets, and the eternal war for human souls being waged by God and Satan. Further moralizing is laid on thick in the movie itself which seems to push all the usual Christian messages eg the Devil cannot be trusted; if you do bad things you'll end up getting into serious s**t (in this life and the next); only actions done for the good of others have any real merit in the grand scheme of things; and so on and so on ad nauseam. Like a lot of movies of its type these days (Dogma and Stigmata are other titles that spring to mind), it tries to combine squishy, feel-good New Age spiritualism with good ol' hellfire and brimstone Christianity, and the result is, I fear, an unholy mess (as it usually is).
The movie wasn't all bad, though. Liz Hurley made a very sexy devil, of course (loved her outfits!), but this sometimes worked against her. Even when she was holding Brendan Fraser's luckless character over the raging inferno of Hell towards the end of the movie, for example, she still looked more sexy than scary which wasn't, I'm sure, what the director had intended at all.
Another positive about the movie was the main character's wishes, or, more specifically, the way that the Devil screwed these up completely. Being a fairly sensitive guy myself, I wasn't all that rapt with the way that the "most sensitive guy in the world" scene turned out, but I suppose that someone so ridiculously emotional would turn anyone off. (I swear that it was the horrible dolphin song which finally turned his girlfriend off him.) Interestingly enough, Fraser's incarnation as a world-famous author seemed pretty similar to that of him as a SNAG (ie both characters talked a lot of s**t and were a lot more "feminine" than the average guy). It was interesting how, while he was a complete turn-off to the love of his life as a SNAG, as the author, he would have succeeded in bedding her had it not been for a rather amusing unforeseen problem. The stupid basketballer incarnation was probably the funniest of the lot.
Oh well, if you don't take it too seriously, Bedazzled is a decent enough film, I suppose. Quite funny and worth watching for Liz Hurley if nothing else.
Judging from some of the comments I have heard made about Bedazzled (eg a glowing endorsement of it by, of all people, one of the high priests of the Church of Satan, and all the usual criticism from Christian types about how movies like it are leading young people down the left-hand path), I gather that most people regard it as some sort of wicked, decadent film (which can, of course, be a good or bad thing). I, however, regard it as essentially just a modern-day version of a Medieval morality play ie one of those "occult" movies which uses a fear of Hell and the Devil to terrify (or maybe, in this case, just coerce) its audience into being good.
This intent of the movie is fairly evident, I believe, from the opening credits which make use of such favourite Christian themes as God's ability to know all our dark and dirty secrets, and the eternal war for human souls being waged by God and Satan. Further moralizing is laid on thick in the movie itself which seems to push all the usual Christian messages eg the Devil cannot be trusted; if you do bad things you'll end up getting into serious s**t (in this life and the next); only actions done for the good of others have any real merit in the grand scheme of things; and so on and so on ad nauseam. Like a lot of movies of its type these days (Dogma and Stigmata are other titles that spring to mind), it tries to combine squishy, feel-good New Age spiritualism with good ol' hellfire and brimstone Christianity, and the result is, I fear, an unholy mess (as it usually is).
The movie wasn't all bad, though. Liz Hurley made a very sexy devil, of course (loved her outfits!), but this sometimes worked against her. Even when she was holding Brendan Fraser's luckless character over the raging inferno of Hell towards the end of the movie, for example, she still looked more sexy than scary which wasn't, I'm sure, what the director had intended at all.
Another positive about the movie was the main character's wishes, or, more specifically, the way that the Devil screwed these up completely. Being a fairly sensitive guy myself, I wasn't all that rapt with the way that the "most sensitive guy in the world" scene turned out, but I suppose that someone so ridiculously emotional would turn anyone off. (I swear that it was the horrible dolphin song which finally turned his girlfriend off him.) Interestingly enough, Fraser's incarnation as a world-famous author seemed pretty similar to that of him as a SNAG (ie both characters talked a lot of s**t and were a lot more "feminine" than the average guy). It was interesting how, while he was a complete turn-off to the love of his life as a SNAG, as the author, he would have succeeded in bedding her had it not been for a rather amusing unforeseen problem. The stupid basketballer incarnation was probably the funniest of the lot.
Oh well, if you don't take it too seriously, Bedazzled is a decent enough film, I suppose. Quite funny and worth watching for Liz Hurley if nothing else.
Those poor stormtroopers...
20 August 2001
Star Wars is one of those films, I fear, which, while undoubtedly good, has been idolized to a ridiculous degree: to such an extent, in fact, that I believe there are actually sad losers out there who have turned Star Wars into some sort of religion or way-of-life (a bit like the Trekkies with Star Trek). While I must admit that I enjoy the film and its sequels myself, they're not THAT good, and some of their scenes and special effects (especially in the first) are looking embarrassingly dated by now eg the computers in the Death Star, and virtually everything in the climactic final scenes over that feared Imperial construction.
Anyway! As the above summary may suggest, these are not my main beefs with Star Wars. My main gripe with the Star Wars films (especially the first), and something that I feel does not get enough of a mention, is the appalling treatment meted out to the stormtroopers in them. I must admit, I have something of a stormtrooper fixation. Their uniforms are very cute (and what I wouldn't do to be able to slip into one myself), and I was actually led to believe that they were halfway decent at their jobs (they are, after all, in the frontline when it comes to enforcing the Empire's feared and evil rule). So why, then, are their lives so cheap in Star Wars, and why do so many die such humiliating deaths eg falling off ledges or into pits, or being shot almost as an afterthought by show-offy arseholes like Han Solo. It's a disgrace! Those guys deserved a lot better.
Anyway! As the above summary may suggest, these are not my main beefs with Star Wars. My main gripe with the Star Wars films (especially the first), and something that I feel does not get enough of a mention, is the appalling treatment meted out to the stormtroopers in them. I must admit, I have something of a stormtrooper fixation. Their uniforms are very cute (and what I wouldn't do to be able to slip into one myself), and I was actually led to believe that they were halfway decent at their jobs (they are, after all, in the frontline when it comes to enforcing the Empire's feared and evil rule). So why, then, are their lives so cheap in Star Wars, and why do so many die such humiliating deaths eg falling off ledges or into pits, or being shot almost as an afterthought by show-offy arseholes like Han Solo. It's a disgrace! Those guys deserved a lot better.
Any Given Sunday
(1999)
Overrated, self-important film
16 August 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Warning: may contain spoilers.
When I saw the preview for this movie, it gave the impression that the film would be some cutting-edge expose of the way that evil corporate greed is threatening the future of one of America's best-loved sports. What it instead turned out to be was a rather lame movie about some struggling gridiron team's attempts to reverse its rather pitiful performance and save itself from extinction. Then again, from what I've heard, Oliver Stone seems to have a rather notorious reputation for vastly overinflating the importance and significance of his cinematographic creations (just look at "Platoon" and "Natural Born Killers").
Basically, "Any Given Sunday" seems to consist of little more than an endless succession of football games as the team we're all supposed to cheer for (the presumably fictitious Miami Sharks) takes on everyone else in the competition and tries to whip their asses. There's also a bit of off-field politics: much of it involving Cameron Diaz's character. Although she's supposed to be a real bitch, I didn't consider her particularly evil; all she seemed to be doing was trying to run the Miami Sharks as a sound business. Far more disturbing, and truly worthy of the title of BITCH, was the wife of Dennis Quaid's character. The last individual wants to quit football because he's getting too old and racking up too many injuries, yet his selfish cow of a wife refuses to let him. Not only that, but when he gets in an argument with her over it, the bitch actually slaps him! If the roles were reversed, everyone would be jumping up and down and screaming domestic violence, but presumably, because she's a woman, it's OK for her to lash out at her spouse like a spoilt little child who can't get its own way.
Another big gripe that I had with this movie concerned an injury shown in the final game. Was it REALLY necessary for some guy to get one of his eyeballs ripped out in that? Ugh, it makes me nauseous just thinking about it!
In summary, this was really nothing more than just another football movie: one with no real surprises in it. Not TOO bad if you like that sort of thing but don't expect anything deeper from it.
When I saw the preview for this movie, it gave the impression that the film would be some cutting-edge expose of the way that evil corporate greed is threatening the future of one of America's best-loved sports. What it instead turned out to be was a rather lame movie about some struggling gridiron team's attempts to reverse its rather pitiful performance and save itself from extinction. Then again, from what I've heard, Oliver Stone seems to have a rather notorious reputation for vastly overinflating the importance and significance of his cinematographic creations (just look at "Platoon" and "Natural Born Killers").
Basically, "Any Given Sunday" seems to consist of little more than an endless succession of football games as the team we're all supposed to cheer for (the presumably fictitious Miami Sharks) takes on everyone else in the competition and tries to whip their asses. There's also a bit of off-field politics: much of it involving Cameron Diaz's character. Although she's supposed to be a real bitch, I didn't consider her particularly evil; all she seemed to be doing was trying to run the Miami Sharks as a sound business. Far more disturbing, and truly worthy of the title of BITCH, was the wife of Dennis Quaid's character. The last individual wants to quit football because he's getting too old and racking up too many injuries, yet his selfish cow of a wife refuses to let him. Not only that, but when he gets in an argument with her over it, the bitch actually slaps him! If the roles were reversed, everyone would be jumping up and down and screaming domestic violence, but presumably, because she's a woman, it's OK for her to lash out at her spouse like a spoilt little child who can't get its own way.
Another big gripe that I had with this movie concerned an injury shown in the final game. Was it REALLY necessary for some guy to get one of his eyeballs ripped out in that? Ugh, it makes me nauseous just thinking about it!
In summary, this was really nothing more than just another football movie: one with no real surprises in it. Not TOO bad if you like that sort of thing but don't expect anything deeper from it.
Dogma
(1999)
We are not amused.
16 August 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Warning: contains spoilers.
From what I have observed, there seem to be two main philosophical camps concerning "Dogma" ie: 1) it is yet more evidence of Kevin Smith's mind-blowing cinematographic genius (suck suck)
2) it is a blasphemous piece of bilge that has put the souls of all those responsible for its creation in dire peril of Hell.
Well, I subscribe to neither of the above two views. Instead, I am someone who hated "Dogma" simply because it SUCKED! My reasons for believing that this film stank are quite numerous; to make things easier for the reader, I shall list them in point form. Here goes...
1) The film was overlong and so, so boring.
2) Salma Hayek's whiny muse character was bloody irritating, especially in the way she called Azrael selfish for simply wanting to end his torment in Hell (well, it was easy for her to criticize given that she wasn't there).
3) Alanis Morrisette was even more irritating (about a million times more so, in fact) as God. Note to Kevin Smith: she wasn't cute, she wasn't funny, she was just plain bloody annoying.
4) Silent Bob's attempts to look cute by staring dumbly at the camera all the time failed, miserably.
5) Death by shooting was considered an appropriate penalty for adultery.
6) The only innocent person in the boardroom of the company responsible for "Mooby Cow" also happened to be the only woman there. Yeah right. A real suck-up to the feminist (and conservative!) myth that women are paragons of virtue and incapable of fault.
7) The film pushed that bulls**t line about how people who suicide go to Hell. The way that this pernicious belief of Christianity seems to have infiltrated so many films and TV shows nauseates me.
8) Most of all, the film was one of the most hypocritical crocks of s**t I have seen in a long time. Sure, it pushes this nice, squishy New-Age line about how "ideas are more important than rigid beliefs" yet the whole thing is full of dogmatic bullcrap. Hell, the God it portrays (that's right, nice, cute Alanis Morrisette) would rather annihilate the universe than be proven wrong on anything. How frigging dogmatic is that?!
Well, I'm sure that, if I thought about it a bit more, I could come up with many more reasons as to why I hated this film, but I think that what I've said already should be convincing enough. Hope my comments have proven thought-provoking.
From what I have observed, there seem to be two main philosophical camps concerning "Dogma" ie: 1) it is yet more evidence of Kevin Smith's mind-blowing cinematographic genius (suck suck)
2) it is a blasphemous piece of bilge that has put the souls of all those responsible for its creation in dire peril of Hell.
Well, I subscribe to neither of the above two views. Instead, I am someone who hated "Dogma" simply because it SUCKED! My reasons for believing that this film stank are quite numerous; to make things easier for the reader, I shall list them in point form. Here goes...
1) The film was overlong and so, so boring.
2) Salma Hayek's whiny muse character was bloody irritating, especially in the way she called Azrael selfish for simply wanting to end his torment in Hell (well, it was easy for her to criticize given that she wasn't there).
3) Alanis Morrisette was even more irritating (about a million times more so, in fact) as God. Note to Kevin Smith: she wasn't cute, she wasn't funny, she was just plain bloody annoying.
4) Silent Bob's attempts to look cute by staring dumbly at the camera all the time failed, miserably.
5) Death by shooting was considered an appropriate penalty for adultery.
6) The only innocent person in the boardroom of the company responsible for "Mooby Cow" also happened to be the only woman there. Yeah right. A real suck-up to the feminist (and conservative!) myth that women are paragons of virtue and incapable of fault.
7) The film pushed that bulls**t line about how people who suicide go to Hell. The way that this pernicious belief of Christianity seems to have infiltrated so many films and TV shows nauseates me.
8) Most of all, the film was one of the most hypocritical crocks of s**t I have seen in a long time. Sure, it pushes this nice, squishy New-Age line about how "ideas are more important than rigid beliefs" yet the whole thing is full of dogmatic bullcrap. Hell, the God it portrays (that's right, nice, cute Alanis Morrisette) would rather annihilate the universe than be proven wrong on anything. How frigging dogmatic is that?!
Well, I'm sure that, if I thought about it a bit more, I could come up with many more reasons as to why I hated this film, but I think that what I've said already should be convincing enough. Hope my comments have proven thought-provoking.
Home and Away
(1988– )
Watch the earlier episodes...
16 August 2001
Those people who, like me, live in Australia should know that Channel 7 is currently screening the older episodes of "Home and Away" (otherwise known as "Home and Away, The Early Years) in addition to the new ones. I would recommend watching these older episodes (which, at the time of my writing this, go all the way back to 1989), but forgetting about the current ones. The earlier episodes of "Home and Away" seem a lot fresher (probably because all of the storylines had only been recycled a few times, rather than fifty or so which is no doubt the case by now), and also give the viewer a chance to laugh at all of the horrible late '80s fads and fashions depicted in them (I remember one earlier episode, for example, which had Carly wearing a T-shirt with the message "Twenty Decades Old" on it; God, that is sooooooooooooo 1988!). The characters also seem a lot more interesting A friend of mine once said that the series really suffered when that lovable pair of dimwits Lance and Martin left it; he may well have been right.
Although I have attempted to watch the newer episodes of "Home and Away" on various occasions, I came to the sad conclusion that I was simply killing too many brain cells each time I did this, so have since given up on them. From what I have heard from other people who still watch the current episodes, I have gathered that these episodes have two glaring faults ie:
1) the producers are more concerned with ISSUES these days than simply telling a story.
2) the show is now filled with annoying fifteen year-olds who are always wanting to hop into bed with each other ie it's trying to become the Australian version of "Dawson's Creek" (another lame show).
Although I have attempted to watch the newer episodes of "Home and Away" on various occasions, I came to the sad conclusion that I was simply killing too many brain cells each time I did this, so have since given up on them. From what I have heard from other people who still watch the current episodes, I have gathered that these episodes have two glaring faults ie:
1) the producers are more concerned with ISSUES these days than simply telling a story.
2) the show is now filled with annoying fifteen year-olds who are always wanting to hop into bed with each other ie it's trying to become the Australian version of "Dawson's Creek" (another lame show).
Mullet
(2001)
Goes absolutely nowhere and takes forever to do so
15 August 2001
Cor, wot a crap film! Like many others, no doubt, I went to "Mullet" expecting to see a rather humorous film. What I actually DID see was some mundane piece of rubbish that went nowhere and had me leaving the cinema scratching my head and thinking (in the words of the immortal D-Gen "Late Show" song), "What was that all about?" Basically, this movie revolves around some guy who goes back to the country town where he used to live after being away from the place for about three years. Once he gets there, what happens? Well not a lot really. He just goes around pi**ing everyone off (something that he apparently has quite a talent for), and catching mullet from one of the local rivers (an activity that proves the source of his nickname, incidentally; to my surprise, this movie had nothing whatsoever to do with mullet haircuts). Oh, and he also discovers that his old girlfriend has married his brother. Annoyingly, when he runs into this woman, the first thing she does is punch him: just another annoying example of the double standard which decrees that, when a guy so much as slaps a woman in a movie (even if she's behaving in a truly obnoxious fashion), he is evil incarnate, yet when a woman punches out a guy (usually for no other reason than because she's throwing a big childish temper tantrum), we're supposed to applaud her actions or worse, find them funny.
Anyway, without wanting to waste too much more time commenting on this film (cos it really doesn't warrant the effort; I'm only doing this because I'm bored), I'd just like to say that, while the main character is vaguely amusing at times (and has a few funny lines), this movie really isn't worth the effort. To paraphrase a quote I found scribbled on a desk in a lecture theatre back in my university days: "Mullet is about as interesting as the time Mr Boringworth won the World Water Drinking Championship in the City of Drying Paint." Go watch some long-lived radioisotopes decay instead.
Anyway, without wanting to waste too much more time commenting on this film (cos it really doesn't warrant the effort; I'm only doing this because I'm bored), I'd just like to say that, while the main character is vaguely amusing at times (and has a few funny lines), this movie really isn't worth the effort. To paraphrase a quote I found scribbled on a desk in a lecture theatre back in my university days: "Mullet is about as interesting as the time Mr Boringworth won the World Water Drinking Championship in the City of Drying Paint." Go watch some long-lived radioisotopes decay instead.
End of Days
(1999)
10/10 for action, 0/10 for Bible-bludgeoning the audience
15 August 2001
Warning: Spoilers
Warning: probably contains spoilers (just exactly what is a spoiler anyway?)
While viewing this movie, I couldn't believe what I seemed to be seeing (or hearing). Arnie had become a born-again Christian! Yes, this movie (which, I must admit, performed superbly in the action stakes; despite what his detractors may say, Arnie still has it) rams the good ol' hellfire and brimstone religion down your throat like you wouldn't believe. Basing itself on the Book of Revelation (what else?), this film has that funny old fellow Satan attempting to bring about the end of the world by finding some unsuspecting woman, bonking her, and impregnating her with his vile seed (or something). Naturally, Arnie must stop this, and the film revolves around his (extremely violent) attempts to do so. None of the characters are terribly appealing and the whole movie is incredibly depressing; you get the impression that most of humanity is going to end up burning forever in Hell (which, incidentally, Satan merely has the misfortune to live in; he didn't make the rotten place, God did). Psychotic priests attempt to kill Satan's bride-to-be (a rather apt metaphor, I felt, for the way that the "good guys" in the film were just as scary as the "bad ones") while a bunch of other priests wring their hands annoyingly and vomit forth great torrents of verbal diarrhoea about the importance of faith. Arnie is portrayed as being bad because he has no faith (preferring to rely instead on his impressive arsenal of guns), yet in the movie, HIS GUNS SAVE THE DAY!!!! HA HA HA. God, on the other hand, does bugger all! He just lets the human characters sort everything out by themselves (even Arnie's final triumph over Satan is entirely the result of his own efforts), and presumably takes full credit for it at the end. What a crock.
While viewing this movie, I couldn't believe what I seemed to be seeing (or hearing). Arnie had become a born-again Christian! Yes, this movie (which, I must admit, performed superbly in the action stakes; despite what his detractors may say, Arnie still has it) rams the good ol' hellfire and brimstone religion down your throat like you wouldn't believe. Basing itself on the Book of Revelation (what else?), this film has that funny old fellow Satan attempting to bring about the end of the world by finding some unsuspecting woman, bonking her, and impregnating her with his vile seed (or something). Naturally, Arnie must stop this, and the film revolves around his (extremely violent) attempts to do so. None of the characters are terribly appealing and the whole movie is incredibly depressing; you get the impression that most of humanity is going to end up burning forever in Hell (which, incidentally, Satan merely has the misfortune to live in; he didn't make the rotten place, God did). Psychotic priests attempt to kill Satan's bride-to-be (a rather apt metaphor, I felt, for the way that the "good guys" in the film were just as scary as the "bad ones") while a bunch of other priests wring their hands annoyingly and vomit forth great torrents of verbal diarrhoea about the importance of faith. Arnie is portrayed as being bad because he has no faith (preferring to rely instead on his impressive arsenal of guns), yet in the movie, HIS GUNS SAVE THE DAY!!!! HA HA HA. God, on the other hand, does bugger all! He just lets the human characters sort everything out by themselves (even Arnie's final triumph over Satan is entirely the result of his own efforts), and presumably takes full credit for it at the end. What a crock.
Saving Private Ryan
(1998)
THIS MOVIE SUCKS!
18 March 2001
Yes, I know lots of people regard this film one of the greatest war movies ever made blah, blah, blah, but I personally found it one of the most grotesquely overrated pieces of crap I have suffered through in a long time (as far as World War 2 movies go, only the recent version of "The Thin Red Line" was more torturous). While its portrayal of the horrors of war was supposed to be profoundly shocking, I found it all rather amusing in a sick sort of way myself, and during the initial scenes where the Allies were landing at Normandy and getting massacred, I found myself inflamed with feelings of BESTIAL WARLUST and smirking rather evilly at various particularly violent and/or gory moments (eg where that troop carrier opens up, only to have its entire human cargo mowed down in seconds by German machine gunners). Once this part of the movie had ended, however, I found the whole thing rapidly getting boring: so much so that, during the violent scene right at the end, I found myself squirming and fidgeting in my seat, wondering when it would all be over.
One of this film's main faults is that it doesn't have much of a storyline to speak of and its whole premise (while admittedly based on a real-life incident) seemed rather ridiculous to me. Stupidly going for the bad guys (as is a habit of mine when watching movies) also didn't help, and I particularly detested all of the overt religiosity in the movie (such as all those highly offensive scenes of cross-kissing, and all those equally nauseating comments by the Americans about how God was on their side in the war (quite frankly, if God exists, I don't think he cares about stuff like this)). In addition to all of these other faults, the final scene is VILE (last long enough to get to it and you'll hopefully see what I mean).
In summary, therefore, A HUNDRED MEGATON THERMONUCLEAR BOMB!
One of this film's main faults is that it doesn't have much of a storyline to speak of and its whole premise (while admittedly based on a real-life incident) seemed rather ridiculous to me. Stupidly going for the bad guys (as is a habit of mine when watching movies) also didn't help, and I particularly detested all of the overt religiosity in the movie (such as all those highly offensive scenes of cross-kissing, and all those equally nauseating comments by the Americans about how God was on their side in the war (quite frankly, if God exists, I don't think he cares about stuff like this)). In addition to all of these other faults, the final scene is VILE (last long enough to get to it and you'll hopefully see what I mean).
In summary, therefore, A HUNDRED MEGATON THERMONUCLEAR BOMB!
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