oneshallstand-1 Reviews

Van Helsing (2004)

Just atrocious.

[2/10 · 29 October 2018]

This has to one of the most colossal, audience insulting messes of all time, worse, even, than Transformers 4 in that regard.

Stephen Sommers follows up his spectacular job on the Mummy with a movie that looked so damn good on paper, but... well, let's try balance, the good stuff...

The opening feels pretty darn good, the black and white intro the frankenstein story. Sure, it's not up to the ancient Hamunaptra intro from the Mummy, but it does a good job and the actors involved sell this oh so well. We move on to Robbie Coltrane voicing Mr hyde, and whilst the Hyde CGI is pretty poor, Coltrane does a great job voicing the villain.

After that, we're getting a little vaguer, but... Roxburgh was genius casting as Dracula, after his scene-mastication in Moulin Rouge, this was slightly more subdued, but still oh-so effective and then there were the brides, both in their cgi and *ahem* more fleshy forms they gave the movie a little... something.

Now, the bad. Beckinsale is about as charismatic as a bag of carrots although she does prove consistently good at running in heels. I don;t know exactly what that says about her, but when it came down to any confrontation between her and the brides (especially Aleera), for the only time in my life I was on Team Vampire.

Jackman was fair, but largely felt like he was on autopilot, he needs something meatier to draw a performance from than 'moody vampire-hunter'. he wasn't terrible, it's just that he could have been anybody right here.

Now the plot... I'm quite happy to suspend my disbelief a little for a movie, especially one about monsters, steampunk science and magic, but this was exceptionally dumb and the plot had holes big enough that you could easily fit in castles, Dracula, Frankenstein, Argh and Disney, with adequate space for a shopping mall with plenty of parking, a football stadium and an expansive amusement park based on the theme of 'dumb ideas'. We're somehow expected to believe that travel in one direction takes days, whilst going the other way takes hours, or that a portcullis that drops to water level will somehow prevent humans passing through a passage of water deep enough to allow a boat to pass through. Sorry, this is just dumb.

Then there are the toxic ewoks, the randomly awful gravedigger, the vampires who are considered darn-near all-powerful but unable to kill someone who's primary skill seems to be running away, yet without the skill and determination of Rincewind and the sheer awfulness of... well, most of it.

Sorry, I tried to like it at release. I even tried to rehabilitate it a couple of years later when my wife went through her Hugh Jackman phase. So, when I chose it randomly in the run up to Halloween this year I figured 'one last chance'. I was right. Last chance. I like the Mummy. I like the Mummy Returns. I'll even sit through the Dragon Emperor, but this movie just fails on so many levels. Bad acting, bad CGI, lazy directing, too many things walking on walls for no reason and that awful werwolf transformation.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. No. I can look at things with a fun eye and a critical eye, but both of them were appalled by what they saw here.

Wolf Warrior 2 (2017)

If classic action movies were made to modern standards...

[8/10 · 29 January 2018]

I wasn't expecting a huge amount from this movie. Sure, i knew it had beenhuge, especially in China, but then again so were the last couple of Transformers movies and they weren't worth the effort.

My wife watched it though and she seemed pretty taken by it, so when I got the chance to watch it, I figured, what the heck.

So here we are, with our disgraced, Chinese special forces member, earning a living on the high seas around the African coast, kicking various parts of the pirating community and hunting for the people who captured and apparently killed his lover.

He immediately comes across as likable, the opening scenes show him as being perfectly admirable as a decent guy, whilst being able to morethan hold his own in a fight. In this the movie actually does a better job than many of those venerable 80s Hollywood action movies.

A mercenary-supported uprising in the country he now calls home changes all of that and he not only finds himself on an unsupported mercy mission into the heart of the country, but thrust into the heart of a disease-ridden region.

The film is marked for more than a few instances of very noticeable Chinese flag waving, perhaps even more so than we would normally see instances of American flag-waving in it's Hollywood brethren and in this, the movie is something of a throwback. It's almost jarring to see movies doing this these days, but then again, we're looking at a national film industry which is changing year-by-year, so perhaps this is just an evolution of the symbology from older, revolutionary films as their style melds with more modern sensibilities.

*ahem*, Sorry, got carried away.

Now, this is an action film, that's what you've paid your money to see and it really does deliver. The code-named mercenaries actually put me in mind of a team of Metal Gear Solid bad guys and that's not a sleight against them. Even without fleshing the characters out, they have a clear and effective range of specialisms that make them, individually and collectively, worthy opponents for our hero and his allies.

Leading them is Frank Grillo, who was a memorably effective bad guy in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Well, the director (and star) Wu Jing really manages to bring out the best in Grillo as an action villain and he absolutely shines. It certainly makes one regret his presence in Civil War being all-too brief as he would have made an exciting villain for Captain America et al to tear the screen up with.

Grillo, Wu and the rest of the team deliver fantastically kinetic sction scenes, bridged by moments of tenderness, drama and comedy that the film slips between without ever seeming unbalanced.

It's not perfect. A couple of moments are particularly jarring and one scene near the end, with a refugee convoy passing between two opposing factions becomes almost laughable when you consider what appears to have been going on before it arrived. These are minor marks against the film though and it is a darn-near perfect action film of the type that only The Rock seems to get away with these days in America.

A third movie is teased as we roll towards the end of the film and I'll personally be keen to watch it when it arrives.

A great action movie, well-shot and effectively played.

Cars 3 (2017)

The final lap.

[7/10 · 22 November 2017]

The cars series has been a regular fixture in our house for years. Both of our boys love the films and despite them not being highly thought of critically, I have no problem with them and admire their heart, humour and amazing production design.

It's important, at this point, to remind everyone that Cars has always been about the racers, not the race itself. Cars was bookended by the races and Cars 2 used them as tentpoles to build the rest of the story on. Cars 3 again uses the races as bookends and chronicles the hero's journey, not the race (which is pretty much where the first Planes movie went wrong).

Years have passed since the first movie and McQueen continues to be a dominant name in racing, alongside a pair of friends/rivals. The camaraderie of the race circuit is painted positively but into this status quo comes the shark-like form of next-generation racer, Jackson Storm. Storm's success opens the floodgates and established veterans are replaced one-by-one by more next-generation racers.

It's an obvious mirror of events in the first movie, where McQueen stepped up to challenge the established leadership rivals, but here Storm is completely dominant and rather than having a single racer upset the apple cart, we get a whole generation coming into the mix. In the end, McQueen isn't the isolated agent of change, he's one of the last of the old-guard.

Pushing himself to the limit, McQueen comes a cropper and has to be snapped out of his off-season funk by his friends, before finding himself at the advanced training centre of Rusteze's new owner, with access to the same state-of-the-art facilities that the competition has access to.

What follows shows conflicts between the 'old way' of training and the modern techniques, with his younger trainer, Cruz Ramirez, as often as not falling foul of the conflict. Their travels will take them down the roads well-trodden by McQueen's departed mentor, Doc Hudson (who we learned had died in Cars 2) as McQueen tries to find his Mojo, whilst introducing Ramirez (who once was frustrated in her own attempts to become a racer) to what makes a 'real' racer.

With the help of Doc's former trainer, Smokey, Cruz and McQueen work side by side to help Lightning raise his game, with Ramariez learning as much, if not more, than the car she's supposed to be training.

In the end, Lightning has to hit the track one more time, having to prove to his new boss that he can win, or face retirement.

The film feels much closer to Cars 1, but here the threats feel much realer. Time is catching up with our hero in a sport where technology changes so fast and what was once cutting edge can quickly become an antique. Both Storm and Ramirez reference growing up watching McQueen's races and learning much from watching him, yet both are advocates of the new technology and training approaches that are forcing him to reconsider his role in the sport.

The weakest spot is Jackson Storm, who comes across as bland and characterless (other than being genially snide). We want to see him beaten almost more as an audience obligation, than actually having enough to dislike (having Chick Hicks lurking around shows him off as being a particularly bland antagonist).

Visually, the film is gorgeous, but perhaps lacking some of the design flair of the first Cars movie and the soundtrack is solid, although lacks the punch of Cars 2's excellent spy theme. The vocal talent is, as expected, completely on point. Owen Wilson handles McQueen's emotional roller-coaster well and the supporting cast know exactly what they're doing and do it to a tee.

Importantly, this movie feels like it brings an arc to a logical close. Kudos to Pixar for trying to round this out in a sensible way letting their characters grow old gracefully.

War of the Worlds: Goliath (2012)

Mildly impressive and respectful.

[7/10 · 17 April 2014]

Before we start, lets explain a bit about where I'm coming from. I grew up with parents who were fans of the Jeff Wayne War of The Worlds album and rapidly grew to like it myself. Hence, when the opportunity to read the novel came up at school I leaped at the chance and have since remained a fan of both of these works.

It has given me a cynical eye, however, hence pretty much every attempt to adapt the story has come up short in some way or another. So when I learned about this "sequel" I had to give it a shot, especially when I took a look at the cast list.

All in all, I was pleasantly surprised. Its certainly not what I would have expected, was was good fun and respectful to the source material in many ways and whilst I wasn't a huge fan of the Martian tripods, I could at least see how much they had drawn inspiration from the novel, so well done there.

Whilst most of the main characters a vaguely engaging, the stand-outs tended to be the supporting cast, who I got a blast out of and really made the movie shine and setting the whole thing in the run-up to the Great War was a similar moment of inspiration.

Its not perfect though. The story feels perhaps a bit too episodic, rather than feeling like more natural chapters - to the extent I found myself wondering if perhaps it wasn't originally slated to be a TV series and I was watching the first few episodes back-to back. As has been mentioned elsewhere, the dialogue sometimes also feels a little stilted but that clears up for most of the movie.

I also need to add that their choice of opening theme had me hooked from the word go.

So, overall the film is a decent package, not as sophisticated in its storytelling as some of its animated contemporaries, nor as polished as others. But its a good package and a welcome return to animated action, which seems to have fallen by the wayside in recent years (indeed, it reminded me in some ways of Titan AE, which seemed to herald the beginning and end of the last resurgence of animated action movies).

I'd guardedly recommend it, I know it won't be everyone's cup of tea, but it is certainly worth a look, especially if you have any interest in the original story, creative anachronisms or steampunk/dieselpunk tales.

(T)Raumschiff Surprise - Periode 1 (2004)

More than one surprise.

[7/10 · 22 January 2007]

I picked up a copy of this film based on a friend's recommendation. And whilst what I watched was a Chinese translation, with English subtitles over a German film I still found it funnier than Either of the well-noted American spoofs, Spaceballs or Galaxy Quest.

Set in a Sci-Fi Universe that's visually a lot like Star Wars, but structurally much like Star Trek the plot sees the (Emporer Plapatine-like) Martian Regulator blockading the Earth with aspirations of conquest.

Earth's only hope? The crew of the Dreamship Surprise - most notably it's camp command crew, Captain Kork, Spucky and Schotty. As they travel to Earth to make a journey back in time to save the future they acquire the assistance of Earth's beautiful young queen and a Taxi Driver.

The plot manages to skewer both Star Wars and Star Trek quite effectively, whilst somehow maintaining the looks of both (The sets on the Surprise are very sixties-Trek, most everything else seems Star Wars inspired). The journey in the past takes detours through Medieval Europe (Allowing a few Knight's Tale style moments) and the Wild West before ending up at Area 51 (which is foreshadowed in the opening).

I'd seen a brief clip of the film before watching but was surprised at how consistently amusing it was. Yes, there's a few cheap gags, and more gonad jokes than I'd expect from it's American counterparts but it's still darn funny. Some nifty sight gags lurk in the background and some of the puns are meticulously set up and had me groaning out loud (in the manner of someone who appreciates a bad pun).

If you like or hate sci-fi, there's many a reason to track this down. Some of the 'gay' gags may not be up everyone's street (and may cause a little offence to some - but it's hard to say) but that's par for the course with any parody.

The soundtrack echoes it's inspirations very effectively, and a few times I thought it was actually going to take the plunge and rise dramatically into a John Williams soundtrack. Not only that, but there are actually a handful of brief musical numbers thrown in as well (Most often from the crew of the Surprise).

The performances are pretty over-the-top for the most part, this is not a film that requires much in the way of subtle acting, but again isn't that another shot at it's targets? And before I sign out, Kudos must go to the special effects team, who managed to succeed in making a film that looks worthy of the huge effects budgets on the Star Wars prequels, presumably for a fraction of the price. The film is visually stunning in that regard, The Surprise, The Battleships, The Taxi and even the time-travel sequence (Which takes place on a sofa - surely a nod to Douglas Adams there) all look incredible and the film's one big action scene looks every bit as good as the Pod Race or space battle from the Star Wars prequels.

My opinion, it may not be perfect, but there's no way I'll regret buying it. There were enough laughs to keep me occupied through it's entire run-time even though the pacing could have done with a minor trim.

As a fan of Science Fiction in general I enjoyed it a great deal and would recommend it to most.

Ye yan (2006)

Something's Rotten in Ancient China - Fortunately not this film

[8/10 · 28 September 2006]

The Banquet is a particularly lavish period drama, with the beautiful camera-work and stunning fight scenes we've come to expect from this type of film, following firmly in the footsteps of the like of Hero and Flying Daggers.

The plot centres around a young prince and his childhood sweetheart. She ended up being wed by the Emperor and he left the kingdom to pursue his education in the arts.

Years later, Dad turns up dead and the Prince's uncle makes moves on the widowed empress - all the while trying to secure his throne with the aid of his prime minister.

Half an hour in, the plot of the film will start to bear great parallels with a notable piece of western storytelling - Hamlet. We have the absent prince whose father has died at the hands of his uncle, the remarrying wife, a pining lover in the court, the scheming elderly minister and his crusading and loyal son.

And these parallels hold sway for much of the film, however it is not to the film's detriment at all - this is a damn fine story and stands up pretty darn well in this setting (I've yet to establish if there's a parallel tale in Chinese history or not).

The costumes and the sets are as lovely as you would expect, and there's even a dash of CGI in depicting the ancient city - good enough to make Peter Jackson or George Lucas wonder what they've been doing wrong. All the performances are engaging and there's that rare thing of all the characters - whether they are 'good' or 'bad' pulling a decent amount of empathy.

How close the story keeps to the 'Hamlet' plot I won't say for fear of throwing in too many spoilers - but as a tale of courtly intrigue this is as good as it comes to be honest.

In fact, the plot is that solid with regard to these matters it does feel like some of the fights really had to be shoehorned in because they are what is expected. The film could easily have survived with two or three of the fight scenes removed.

What we see though are well done and sometimes haunting - the opening fight at the theatre, between a handful of elite guardsmen and the superior forces of the emperors guard and then the slaughter of the inhabitants of the theatre - followed by the final defence of the prince - is particularly effective.

I get the feeling this will be one of those films that's going to be aimed at the western audiences rarely quickly - already bearing a Chinese/English poster and fully translated credits.

The only performer who may be familiar to most is the (always excellent) Ziyi Zhang - who portrays the empress - full of grace and contrasting emotions and if we look at this film as a Hamlet analog, bringing more to the role than any actress I've seen (Although her 'expanded' role in the tale may be something to do with that).

So yes, The Banquet is a particularly well presented drama, laced with the spectacle and grace that has flourished of late in Chinese Cinema, if/when it appears over there it's well worth watching - there are more spectacular examples of Chinese Cinema out there but there seems more substance to this than many.